Moving away guilt. Would you move back to help family?

[LiberatedMind]

Dh and I moved about 4/5 hours away two years ago for early retirement. We're approaching 60 and just wanted to live somewhere more peaceful, in a village setting. We enjoy our hobbies and interests here - gardening, dog walks, canoeing, visiting pubs, tea rooms, etc. We don't have any other family nearby but have got to know the locals well.

We moved away from our daughter and her family. They have two young children under 5 and I know their lives can be very difficult. Sil has had quite complex mental health problems and our daughter has really struggled with this. Especially as she's had her own health problems too. One of the children has got special needs and I know that can be very draining for them. Both dd and sil work and financially I think they're managing (just over £2000pm between them) so only just. The house looks like it's falling apart because they don't have the time or extra money to do anything about it.

Sil's family live near them but they are older than us and I know that their capabilities to support are limited.

We visit when we can for a couple of days. They've only been to see us once. The offer has been there any time to stay but I think their life difficulties mentioned make this hard. For instance, I rang them last weekend and sil had had a terrible time with his mental health problems. This impacted on them all and it sounded like them children were struggling too. BTW, sil is getting treatment so it's not like it's not being helped but still debilitating at times. I've also offered for the gc to cone and stay with us but our daughter isn't keen on them being so far away from them yet. They are young still.

I feel so guilty. We have an idealic, peaceful, comfortable life where we are but we know that they are finding day to day life a massive challenge. Maybe they are angry with us about it to a certain extent but they've never said that and I sort of get why.

If this was your family, would you move back to support them? Should I feel guilty?

Mumsnet will work out if this is a reverse. I'd leave it to them

What happens when the children are older? Would you be able to afford to your current setting or would you be outpriced?
I have moved back, to support an older family member. In the meantime she had become friendly with someone so barely wanted to see me whilst I had a quit a job which would have taken me around the world
can you hire an Air bnb and stay for a few weeks at a time

Yes, this. You're really young to be spending your days pootling round the countryside. When you get old and need help, don't expect it from your daughter.

Too young?
What!?
The GPs should be out having a whale of time before its too late.
My own DP did in their early 60s and Im so glad they did.
The whole I wont look after you then thing is so immature and petty.
Emotional blackmail.
I dont want my DCs to look after me.

I’d have loved to have my parents help with DCs but they are very very far away indeed because they died. It’s awful but it happens. You only get one life OP (if this is not a reverse) so live it as you see fit. I do agree late 50s is very early for Last of the Summer Wine but you do you !

I find it quite sad how many people think that, although their parents (presumably) gave up their time, energy, money, possibly health in order to raise them (the parents' own DC), they should only provide support when it's needed in later life based on the amount of support those parents gave as grandparents.

I was very happy that my parents were able to enjoy their lives in their own way when I was grown, paired off and raising my own DC. They had less healthy time than expected and I'm so glad they didn't spend a lot of it wearing themselves out helping to raise my small DCs. But when my parents needed my help I was happy to step up because they had looked after me when I was a child.

Parents choose to have and bring up children

Children do not necessarily choose to care for their parents.

My observation is that it's not a question of how much support they provided as grandparents that influence how much a child cares for their parent in later life - but the relationships between the two. In general, if relationships are good, family members are happy and willing to help each other out (in both directions). Of course there is a high correlation between families with strong relationships providing support as grandparents. Equally if grandparents are not providing support to their DC (I don't necessarily mean day by day support here as health/distance may not allow) it will tend to suggest relationships are poor.

Or, put another way. I don't know of a single family where there are great relationships where the parents wouldn't support their children and the children their parents. And this is nothing to do with the fact that parents brought up their children (which is a pretty low bar).

That’s because @amicissimma raising your own kids isn’t a ‘favour’ it’s a choice. My DD doesn’t ‘owe’ me because I decided to have her and raise her, I’m doing it for selfish reasons. And I don’t see my duty to help her stopping at 18, watching her struggle in any way while I swam off into the sunset.

I didn't 'owe' my parents any care but I did it because I loved them.

I don't like the idea that a person wouldn't care for his/her parents because s/he didn't consider that they'd given 'enough' help with the grandchildren. I don't like the idea that parents 'should' go on looking after their adult children to their own detriment. Some choose to, some prefer not to. And I, personally, find it distasteful to judge whether they are 'worthy' of care in their old age based on their input to adult 'children'.

@amicissimma it isn’t cold or selfish to have ‘reciprocal’ relationships, ie you care about people who care about you. No parents who love their kids that much would watch them struggle to this degree when they have the means to help so much more. If you have a great relationship with your parents then good for you, but not everybody does.

There’s been absolutely nothing to suggest that they expect OP’s family to care for them as they age, nor that they would want them to. Considering how OP has acted towards them I strongly suspect they’d rather any alternative.

They’re fully entitled to want to live their own lives now they no longer have dependent children. It’s not like they’re skipping along freely anyway, they’re acting as carers already.

My parents pissed off to the arse end of nowhere when I was 19. They've babysat a grand total of twice. Both when I was in hospital giving birth. Neither time they managed over night. They're not yet 60. They have no active role in my or my children's lives. I will be back of the line when they are elderly and need help, and I will feel no guilt.

I’d do the same as @LindseyHoyleSpeaks

I wouldn’t move back but would offer some support. Maybe cash for a cleaner/classes for the kids/occasional babysitter/whatever. Visit maybe every month or 6 weekly intervals.

Don’t feel bad for living your life. When you were the age your DD is now, you probably didn’t have much leisure time. Life has different stages.

Honestly these threads make me cross sometimes.. it's appears that it's not enough to be a loving and devoted mum to your kids as they grow up. Regardless of what you sacrifice to give them as perfect as child hood as possible it apparently all means nothing if you're not willing to step up and mind their kids as well; move away and enjoy your retirement makes you unworthy of any support jn old age according to some on this thread. It makes me so sad.
My parents did their best for us when we were small and definitely made sacrifices. My mom helps out the odd time but was always clear that she didnt want to commit to childcare regularly which is fine with us her 6 children. We will still deem ger worthy of support later when and if she needs it.I am genuinely shocked at the people who say they won't support their parents because they didn't get enough help with their own children .

Once you retire you don't then become an unpaid servant for your adult children. My parents didn't live near my grandparents and I moved for work away from my parents. The grandparents here will soon need caring for. The younger couple should be glad they aren't being a sandwich generation having to care for their parents as well as their young children and that their retired parents are currently healthy.

So this is a nasty reverse? The OP resenting her parents enjoying their retirement and wanting to make them more miserable?

Support doesn't have to be regular child minding though does it?
I'd happily take my mum helping out "the odd time", or even a sympathetic ear.
I remember my mum bemoaning the complete lack of support from my granny when we were young. Now she's done the same to me. I will be breaking the cycle with my kids precisely because I know how hard it is.
I can't fathom not wanting to help my children, at least occasionally, as long as I'm able.

If it is a reverse, then trouble is we dont know everything.
There may be things the op doesnt actually know or hasnt been told.

But if the op is correct, then, as I said i would move back.
Wouldnt have actually moved that far away in the first place.

But if op, you have already posted, and are doing a reverse, then have others have said, you may need to sadly let this drop.

Don't move back! You decided to move away knowing about all these problems, so stick with what you did. In the long term it will be a blessing for your daughter, as she won't have to work herself into the ground by caring for you two as well as her own kids and working full time.

Omg - these replies drive me insane!
my parents lived 10 mins away from me and I had 3 kids under the age of 4 and a husband that worked away from home. They made it very clear I chose to have the kids and would not have anything to do with them.
we don’t speak a great deal 20yrs on but the mentality that because they didn’t look after my kids I won’t help them if they become unwell in old age.
it’s not a tit for tat situation - be a decent human being !!!!!!

It sounds like your DD could really do with the support right now. As others have said is there anything you can do from afar? Pay towards childcare or a cleaner perhaps?
please bear in mind also that the shoe could be in the other foot in a few years. When the GC are older and life is not so hectic for your DD and SIL would you be expecting them to support you when you are old and frail or in Ill health from 4/5 hours away? What was your plan for this if any when you originally moved away? Another option could be to rent out your property and move closer to your DD for a couple of years until things get easier?

You should not feel guilty for enjoying your retirement. You've done your bit raising the children and now it's their time. Support is one thing but giving up your life to help them is quite another. They should not be jealous and envious of you if they truly love and care about you. My mum helps me but I never expect anything from her, it's totally up to her what she feels up to. I would not expect or want them to give up something they love. I want them to enjoy their retirement and would be happy for them regardless of how difficult life was for me. If anything It's probably the otherwise round as they get older they need more help but try not to burden me with it unnecessarily. Help should be a two way thing and it should not be just expected but appreciated if offered.

Absolutely, this! 👆

If I were your daughter, I'd appreciate you having an open chat with me about how I'm doing and what you can do to help.

It sounds like you don't want to move back, which is fine because you want to live your life, but you're also concerned about her and want to offer some help. So why don't you arrange to go see her and have a conversation in person? She would probably welcome the chance to be open with you and discuss how you can best support her from where you are, and even if there's nothing much you can do, emotional support and acknowledgement of her struggles will help her feel loved and supported. People struggle at times in life, you're not responsible for fixing her problems for her, but ask her what she needs and figure out what you can do to help out in a way that suits you both.