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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away guilt. Would you move back to help family?

132 replies

LiberatedMind · 18/10/2022 08:06

Dh and I moved about 4/5 hours away two years ago for early retirement. We're approaching 60 and just wanted to live somewhere more peaceful, in a village setting. We enjoy our hobbies and interests here - gardening, dog walks, canoeing, visiting pubs, tea rooms, etc. We don't have any other family nearby but have got to know the locals well.

We moved away from our daughter and her family. They have two young children under 5 and I know their lives can be very difficult. Sil has had quite complex mental health problems and our daughter has really struggled with this. Especially as she's had her own health problems too. One of the children has got special needs and I know that can be very draining for them. Both dd and sil work and financially I think they're managing (just over £2000pm between them) so only just. The house looks like it's falling apart because they don't have the time or extra money to do anything about it.

Sil's family live near them but they are older than us and I know that their capabilities to support are limited.

We visit when we can for a couple of days. They've only been to see us once. The offer has been there any time to stay but I think their life difficulties mentioned make this hard. For instance, I rang them last weekend and sil had had a terrible time with his mental health problems. This impacted on them all and it sounded like them children were struggling too. BTW, sil is getting treatment so it's not like it's not being helped but still debilitating at times. I've also offered for the gc to cone and stay with us but our daughter isn't keen on them being so far away from them yet. They are young still.

I feel so guilty. We have an idealic, peaceful, comfortable life where we are but we know that they are finding day to day life a massive challenge. Maybe they are angry with us about it to a certain extent but they've never said that and I sort of get why.

If this was your family, would you move back to support them? Should I feel guilty?

OP posts:
lightand · 18/10/2022 08:18

Personally I would move back.
To somewhere where you can help them more than you are doing now.

Butchyrestingface · 18/10/2022 08:21

I would move back.

HermioneWeasley · 18/10/2022 08:23

You deserve to enjoy your retirement so stay where you are happy. Be realistic though about the help you will get from them if you need it. Their life sounds tough, but apart from a child with SEN it’s what they chose - they chose to have 2 kids knowing their finances and their health problems. If you can afford to help them out financially then that would be lovely and I think babysitting and giving them a break when you do visit would be much appreciated

LittleBearPad · 18/10/2022 08:23

I wouldn’t move back. You can continue to offer assistance but you don’t need to give up your life for them.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/10/2022 08:24

I don't think I would have moved so far in that situation. Anyway, if you don't want to move how can you support them from a distance. Food delivery, pay for a cleaner and/or childcare, regularly visits when you take the children overnight?

justasking111 · 18/10/2022 08:29

No because my OH would refuse. He has a few issues himself now so it's his turn. We've helped ours find homes, baby sit as and when it's needed. But it's me that does the brunt of it.

woodpecker2 · 18/10/2022 08:38

No, maybe they don’t want you there all the time or things might improve as the kids get older and you’ll be stuck! It is hard when they are young and maybe they are just letting off steam. You could visit more regularly and stay nearby as a compromise or help financially.

Original poster
LiberatedMind · 18/10/2022 08:39

HermioneWeasley · 18/10/2022 08:23

You deserve to enjoy your retirement so stay where you are happy. Be realistic though about the help you will get from them if you need it. Their life sounds tough, but apart from a child with SEN it’s what they chose - they chose to have 2 kids knowing their finances and their health problems. If you can afford to help them out financially then that would be lovely and I think babysitting and giving them a break when you do visit would be much appreciated

@HermioneWeasley yeh, you're right. It just feels hard that we are enjoying our lives but theirs are so tough. Of course they couldn't have predicted having a child with special needs. Some of their health problems have unfortunately got worse since having children which is also unfortunate.

OP posts:
LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 18/10/2022 08:39

I would visit for a couple of days every other week to help out, take the burden off. Batch cook whilst there to fill the freezer with nutritious meals.

I would offer to pay for a cleaner for a couple of hours a week.

I would commit to paying for something for the DC, eg two pairs of decent school shoes and a couple of pairs of trainers each year, or all school uniform, something like that.

I would create mini routines from a distance, eg send a postcard every Saturday so on a Monday the kids have a note from granny in the post to look forward to.

I would find time to talk to daughter alone and ask her - honestly - if this is the life she wants. You don’t say what SIL’s problems are/how extreme they are but if they are also to the detriment of her own health and well-being, does she want to leave? Could you help her with this?

Be there from a distance, you’re entitled to your own life and happiness.

Fuwari · 18/10/2022 08:50

This is such a difficult situation. You deserve to be able to live your own life now and enjoy retirement but yes it’s likely your daughter does feel “abandoned”. I had a friend in a similar situation and that’s how she described it to me.

Personally I probably wouldn’t have left while the grandkids were still so young. But then at what point do you say “ok we’re going now”. It’s always going to be hard. But yes, as others have said, you can offer support from a distance.

Brefugee · 18/10/2022 08:51

it's difficult but i would say no. We have this in reverse (military families often do) and the deal is: adults make their own decisions. Nice if they can help, but everyone has their own lives.

maddy68 · 18/10/2022 08:56

I wouldn't move back. But maybe you can help in different ways. If you have funds perhaps you could help then with the house and get an odd job man and/or a cleaner

Visiting them as often as you can as you do now

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 18/10/2022 08:59

I wouldn't. You shouldn't give up your own lives where your happy.

I have a lot of health problems with a disabled dc and my family live 5 hours away, no other support. I don't expect them to move and help me. Instead my mum travels on the train a few times a year to stay for a week or so and helps me with dc during half term. Sometimes I travel to hers on the train and she looks after dc while I have a rest. Maybe you could do the same?

ifonly4 · 18/10/2022 09:02

I actually know an elderly lady who moved here to support her DD with childcare, great at the time as she had lots of company but I know she desperately missed her previous town - she used to travel back on the bus whenever she could. She's now too old to move or visit her old friends, and she hasn't really made friends around here as she was always too busy with the children. Really think about what you're giving up, especially if you're genuinely happy there and hope it's your last home. You could move back here, and their circumstances could be totally different or seem easier in a few years time and you won't be needed so much.

Bionicbum · 18/10/2022 09:07

I guess I would have considered whether it was necessary to move such a long way to get the quality of life you wanted. BUT, now you’ve done it I don’t think you should feel bad for not moving back. You are settled where you are and pps are right that she’s an adult who made her own decisions. I also agree though that it’s not right to just enjoy your comfortable life and watch your family struggle.Talk to your daughter about other ways you can lighten her load. There might be all sorts of things that would help. Even just knowing you understand how her life is and care about her will help.

Original poster
LiberatedMind · 18/10/2022 09:08

Sometimes I feel bad putting photos of ours lives on social media every so often, like a beautiful beach scene or lunch at a country pub. I'm not saying I do that all the time but dd and sil never like those things despite them being on social media. I know that's very trivial but possibly shows how they feel.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/10/2022 09:09

What else can you do from a distance?

Can you offer a regular weekend where you go to stay? (Perhaps alternating just you and you & DH.)

Can you afford to throw some money at them? (When my DH experienced a mental health episode at a similar life stage my mum paid for a couple of sessions of talk-therapy for him which helped us enormously. Or pay for a regular babysitter or activity or something for the GC).

Can you offer practical assistance like doing some DIY etc.

You moved when you knew all these issues existed so you must have felt secure in the choice then. Guilt isn’t a reason to revert that because you’d resent it.

Original poster
LiberatedMind · 18/10/2022 09:10

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 18/10/2022 08:39

I would visit for a couple of days every other week to help out, take the burden off. Batch cook whilst there to fill the freezer with nutritious meals.

I would offer to pay for a cleaner for a couple of hours a week.

I would commit to paying for something for the DC, eg two pairs of decent school shoes and a couple of pairs of trainers each year, or all school uniform, something like that.

I would create mini routines from a distance, eg send a postcard every Saturday so on a Monday the kids have a note from granny in the post to look forward to.

I would find time to talk to daughter alone and ask her - honestly - if this is the life she wants. You don’t say what SIL’s problems are/how extreme they are but if they are also to the detriment of her own health and well-being, does she want to leave? Could you help her with this?

Be there from a distance, you’re entitled to your own life and happiness.

@LindseyHoyleSpeaks our son in law has complex ptsd which he's being treated for. He also has depression at times and lots of symptomatic anxiety. His IBS can be particularly bad sometimes.

Dd loves him very much, he's a nice man and good dad. He's just got his problems.

OP posts:
RHOShitVille · 18/10/2022 09:13

What does 'visit when we can for a couple of days' mean?

I.e. once a year and you go, get looked after and leave? Or you pitch in every couple of months helping out and doing all you can?

My mum loved her retirement and chose not to help me with my SEN child - totally her choice, she found it all very stressful so stopped visiting. It was a bit galling I have to admit, but her choice. However, now she is older, frailer and alone she wants it all to be different...

beachcitygirl · 18/10/2022 09:13

It's fine Op.

you and your dd are clearly not close. It is what it is.

You prioritised rightly or wrongly your own happiness & hobbies & retirement & you have every right to do so!

Her priority is with her little family & it must be tough.

Help where you can, I'd lay off the social media stuff a bit tho (comes over smug)

Don't expect help when you & dh are frail tho or if either of you gets a degenerative illness- that would be horrific of you.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 18/10/2022 09:13

Can you afford to help financially?

WarblingEttie · 18/10/2022 09:16

Is this a reverse?

No way would I have left my DD and DGC.

What is the cause of SIL's complex PTSD? It would test my patience if it were impacting my DD's life so negatively.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 18/10/2022 09:18

I dont think anyone can really give advice because all situations are different and all personalities are different. For example, were your working lives particularly stressful such that retirement is a specially necessary time for you to recharge?

Personally DH and I wouldn’t have moved away but that’s us - not you. Again we would have the money to pay for lots of help for them.

Then there’s the always present “what if”? If your DH died suddenly, how would you cope so far from family?

PinkPrettyAndPointed · 18/10/2022 09:19

I couldn't leave my DC if they needed me.

You wanted an idyllic retirement. Not to spend time with your DD and dgc. It is what it is.

But when you're older and need help, don't think your DD should care. And don't say you don't expect it. Most people want to stay out of a nursing home for as long as they can.

And you generally need (family) help to stay independent in old age.

washingbasketqueen · 18/10/2022 09:20

I would move back, but I don't think I could've ever moved that far from my only dc and dgc. I'd actually follow them (if they wanted me to) and I know my dh feels the same. Others have said you should enjoy your retirement, and of course you should. But can you? I couldn't knowing I was living a peaceful cosy life and my dc and her young family were struggling. 4-5 is just too far to offer any reliable and consistent support.