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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 21:10

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 21:05

It is never the children who are prioritised in these situations. If it was, stepparents wouldn’t be a thing. Imagine forcing your children to live with your random partner. That’s not putting them first.

Show quote history

Do you know, I actually agree with you on this. It is inherently selfish to 'force' (I think that's strong) a new partner on the kids. That applies to both mum and dad. It was selfish of me to have our DS and bring him into a blended family when he had no choice in the matter. Kids don't ask to be born.

Humans are selfish by nature.

I still don't agree with OP directing her anger at the stepmum here when it is completely the dad's fuck up. The fact that this thread is solely about her hints at other issues to me. We'll probably just have to agree to disagree about this.

Hayliebells · 17/10/2022 21:11

I have no real experience of this situation, but I hope, if I was a stepmum, I'd just put my big girl pants on and suck up a night of inconvenience for the sake of the kid's feelings. Stepmum was tired, she wasn't ill, or going out, she was just tired. Didn't she consider how the kids would feel being left on the doorstep, or do her feelings of tiredness trump the children's feelings? She doesn't have the condone the behaviour of her OH, she can read him the riot act/whatever later, but would it really have hurt just to make the kids feel welcome? She may not be obliged to do that in any way, but isn't it just the bigger thing to do? The kinder thing to do? The kid's haven't fucked up, but they're the ones left feeling unwanted and hurt. Do people not do things just to be kind anymore? Is it always out of obligation?

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 21:11

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 21:03

@PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain Why would she need a favour from the OP?

The OP’s ex might need a favour - like
swapping weekends. But his wife is unlikely to ever need a favour from her.

what favour could my DS’s stepmum possibly need from me? I can think of literally nothing. My ex often needs favours from me. But, even if it’s to accommodate something she wants to do, they are not favours to his partner. He needs me to have DS so he can go with her. She’s not a parent, so she doesn’t need childcare.

Was about to say exactly this. I have never in the 10 years I've been with my husband needed a favour from his ex wife.

Alibro79 · 17/10/2022 21:14

Goldbar · 17/10/2022 21:04

What I'd be more likely to assume from the step-mum's behaviour is that the relationship is far from being a partnership, she's fed up with her husband imposing on her and their days together are numbered. And that she's withdrawing her free babysitting services in the meantime.

Show quote history

But nothing in the OPs posts suggest this is the case. She specifically says she's never asked her to have them before.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 21:14

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:38

I think a man who behaves like an adult and doesn’t foist his children on the nearest woman is outside their understanding.

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I think so!

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 21:14

Hugsssssss · 17/10/2022 21:08

You are definitely not being unreasonable

I wouldn’t be like that with a neighbour!! Of course she should have taken them in. She had no regard for them and their feelings. Ans yes would be reasonable for her to be annoyed with your ex whilst NOT turning away the kids!

Would any of your neighbours turn up unexpectedly and keep knocking your door and phoning you to insist you must look after their children?

Thought not. It all boils down to people who feel their ex’s new partners owe them something.

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 21:14

But, even if it’s to accommodate something she wants to do, they are not favours to his partner. He needs me to have DS so he can go with her

but…if she wants him to go somewhere and he otherwise could not go because childcare then of course it’s a favour to her as well as him. It is semantics to argue otherwise.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 21:14

Alibro79 · 17/10/2022 21:14

But nothing in the OPs posts suggest this is the case. She specifically says she's never asked her to have them before.

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She hasn't but he seems to have just gone out and assumed she'd look after them!

Bitterbean · 17/10/2022 21:15

The SM was being very U for not letting her step children in the house just because she was tired. What a mean spirited thing to do. And I can't believe the hard heartedness of so many posters. 'It's nothing to do with her. 'Of course it is!' They are her step children. I feel sorry for your children to have to have gone through that. I would be angry with both of them because it doesn't sound like he has apologised to you.

Ellatella · 17/10/2022 21:15

She was very unreasonable to ignore you and not let your children in when they were on the doorstep. Sadly alot of stepmothers seem to have alot of animosity to the step children and ex wife though so it doesnt surprise me what she did. If she has that attitude towards your children I wouldn't want her around them anyway.

Obki · 17/10/2022 21:16

Jibo · 17/10/2022 21:04

Nah, the SM is a cunt too. Who leaves children on the doorstep? Here's hoping that when the useless man moves on to his next woman, her daughter gets the same cruel treatment.

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Nice. Hilarious that some first wives think only their children deserve kindness and consideration and wish cruel treatment for the new wife’s kids. True colours revealed.

Wetblanket78 · 17/10/2022 21:17

Exactly this she was home anyway with her child. She chose to get into a relationship with someone with children.

My step daughter is 31 now but I used to have her all the time if nobody else could. Sometimes her dad was at work and she never even saw him. But as my children are her only siblings. She still enjoyed spending time with me and her siblings.

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 21:17

Goldbar · 17/10/2022 21:04

What I'd be more likely to assume from the step-mum's behaviour is that the relationship is far from being a partnership, she's fed up with her husband imposing on her and their days together are numbered. And that she's withdrawing her free babysitting services in the meantime.

Show quote history

A babysitter has no emotional connection to the kids.

She chose to marry a man with children and presumably if the OP dropped dead tomorrow she'd have them 24/7.

I wish people with kids wouldn't marry people who don't want to be a real family with the pre-existing kids.

If she only wanted to be a pseudo-mum she should have kept walking when a man with kids came her way.

OP I can tell you I would simply ensure my kids stayed with relatives who won't make them feel like beggars on the doorstep next time I wanted help and the conversation with the ex would be noteworthy indeed.

YANBU Poor kids. But one things for sure, they won't forget SM kindness.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 21:17

Is there a similarly angry thread re your ex's behaviour? If not why not?

Baby3at40 · 17/10/2022 21:18

I'm so surprised at the responses here.

My partner has children and unless I had something on myself that I couldn't do it, I'd just let them in. Assuming that's their home some of the time yes? She married him knowing he had children.

In saying that, we're not aware of the boundaries they've set together as a couple.

Maybe when they got together she said look I think your kids are great but I don't want them on my own or a number of other things.

There's so many variables as to why she may not want them. I personally would have let them in but you've no idea what she had planned or what the arrangement is in the marriage relating to the children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2022 21:18

Why didn’t you ask your partner to have your kids for the night?

Several people here asked and you haven’t said. He’s also a step parent. It was your night to have them.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 21:18

She chose to marry a man with children and presumably if the OP dropped dead tomorrow she'd have them 24/7. no she wouldn't ffs. Dad would. Plus they'd be at school and she'd be at work maybe. She wouldn't have to be switched on into mum mode just coz their mum snuffed it.

Heatherjayne1972 · 17/10/2022 21:19

Poor kids. They’re going to feel so unwanted at their dads in the future
i imagine they will interpret this as ‘dads wife doesn’t like / want us’
not great parenting from either of them ( him mostly)

Pixiedust1234 · 17/10/2022 21:19

Wow, the nastiness and name calling from op and other posters towards someone who doesn't want go look after other peoples kids is appalling. None of this is to do with the stepmum, its to do with op and the dad. THAT IS IT!

She is probably sick to death of having the kids dumped on her. To all those who say she married a man with kids and so should suck it up, I bet none would agree she can discipline them or make decisions on their behalf over one of the real parents but shes fine as a skivvy? Fucking ridiculous.

Direct your anger at the right person op. Their father.

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 21:19

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 21:18

She chose to marry a man with children and presumably if the OP dropped dead tomorrow she'd have them 24/7. no she wouldn't ffs. Dad would. Plus they'd be at school and she'd be at work maybe. She wouldn't have to be switched on into mum mode just coz their mum snuffed it.

Wow. Sounds like a happy and wholesome home life for those kids, doesn’t it?

Obki · 17/10/2022 21:20

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2022 21:18

Why didn’t you ask your partner to have your kids for the night?

Several people here asked and you haven’t said. He’s also a step parent. It was your night to have them.

Good point. It’s only women who get called cunts by OP. Men get off scot-free.

Rosewaterblossom · 17/10/2022 21:20

Being tired is a valid reason. Personally when I am in a depression episode or feeling overwhelmed/anxious/down I'll say "I'm tired." Having my own dc is comfortable and easy, adding 2 step kids to the mix is a different dynamic all together. I know when I was a step parent, and i didn't even live together with his dad, as soon as our kids were altogether it was suddenly hard work. Add to that feeling tired, down, stressed. Springing that dynamic out of the blue is a no no.

The issue is with their dad, the step mum is not child care.

Obki · 17/10/2022 21:20

Pixiedust1234 · 17/10/2022 21:19

Wow, the nastiness and name calling from op and other posters towards someone who doesn't want go look after other peoples kids is appalling. None of this is to do with the stepmum, its to do with op and the dad. THAT IS IT!

She is probably sick to death of having the kids dumped on her. To all those who say she married a man with kids and so should suck it up, I bet none would agree she can discipline them or make decisions on their behalf over one of the real parents but shes fine as a skivvy? Fucking ridiculous.

Direct your anger at the right person op. Their father.

Well said.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 21:21

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 21:19

Wow. Sounds like a happy and wholesome home life for those kids, doesn’t it?

Show quote history

So what are you suggesting? That dad can't look after the kids and needs to rope someone else in to do it for them? Why do we think so little of men.

GlassesWearer · 17/10/2022 21:21

Wetblanket78 · 17/10/2022 21:10

They are both responsible. She chose to get into a relationship with a man who already has children. How would she feel if in the future they split and her child was treated like that. You weren't going on a night out you were going to work to support his children and her step children.

OP is far more responsible than the stepmum though. She's their mother!