am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

I do agree that the parenting responsibilities are between the parents, and not to 'devolve' upon a stepparent unless they are 100% on board with it.

But I think an unknown factor in this is the parenting relationship the ex and stepmum have. Perhaps the ex leaves all the parenting of their mutual child and the OP's children to her and she has had her fill. Perhaps she was planning a quiet night with her child and her DH calls and 'informs' her that she'll need to have HIS children overnight as well and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I agree she could have handled it differently, but then again it wasn't her problem to 'handle'.

Pure supposition I know, but if her not answering the door/phone calls was surprise to the OP, there must be a reason behind it.

I kind of think if you marry someone with kids then you take on a certain degree of responsibility for those kids and their welfare. In think to leave those children standing on your doorstep and ignore and refuse them would make them feel really rejected. If she didn't want anything to do with the kids then she shouldn't have married someone with kids. I think she should have been annoyed with her husband for not letting her know he'd agreed to take on childcare without telling her.

The wife/stepmum doesn't sound like an especially nice or caring person. However, your ex is a massive prat! I feel sorry for your kids, I hope they're OK? I assume ex has form for showing how useless he is around them?

No. I’m suggesting that if you choose to marry a person with children then you should treat them with compassion and love and sensitivity. Otherwise, just don’t bother.

He is a total dick.
Obviously his DW doesn’t have to help with the children, however I don't know why someone would marry anyone with DC unless they're willing to help to commit to the package deal.

If unwilling, find someone without DC.

It's OP and the ex's fault they are stood on the doorstep though no one else's.

Why is the OP’s work more important than anyone’s feelings? Surely the children’s mother should have thought about her children’s feelings before continuing to harass her’s ex’s wife and trying to force the issue by having the kids on the doorstep?

The OP has absolutely no idea what is happening in his ex’s wife’s life. That he said she was ‘tired’ (after the OP phoned to complain she’d had the temerity to not just do as she was told) is in no way conclusive. She could be seriously ill and have made it clear she does not want that shared with her husband’s ex. Anything could be going on.

Or she might just be tired and, frankly, not up for sorting out someone else’s problem.

I cannot imagine having such an enormous sense of entitlement that I was felt owed childcare by another woman. I don’t even feel that level of entitlement in relation to the person who shares parental responsibility with me. Sure, I’d be really annoyed he let me down. But it would not occur to me to decide that means his wife just has to do it. And to use my child as some sort of emotional leverage to force the issue.

Yes you can do that whilst not being at all responsible for them

@SudocremOnEverything Yes! It seems too easy for people to just assume SM is being mean when she's just being a human with her own wants and needs.

Your ex made a promise and then tried to push the work off on his wife (whether deliberate or an honest mistake). Does he have form for this? Is that why he’s your ex?

In any case, she held her ground and didn’t bail him out. Unless you’ve managed to develop a good friendship with her then it’s not surprising she didn’t feel obliged to bail you out either. Have a go at your ex, not her.

I fail to see how the stepmum failed to show them compassion, love or sensitivity... could you clarify? It was their father who forgot about them and their mother who tried to fob them off and made a scene - the stepmum simply didn't take them in (and the children wouldn't have even known that if OP hadn't kicked off). The children were harmed by the father and OP, not by the actions of the stepmum at all. If the stepmum had taken them in then they'd be just as aware that both the actual parents weren't looking after them.

The OP decided to have her kids on the doorstep after speaking to her ex and learning he was not in.

She saw the wife’s car. Tried ringing (sounds like repeatedly), got no answer. So she stood the kids on the doorstep and kept going until the woman answered.

she needed to get to work. But does this sound like someone thinking about her own children’s feelings? She already knew their father had let them down.

This is blaming the person who happened to be there. It’s not fair.

Really who would treat children like that? If a "partner" or even a friend of mine treated kids like that it would be the end of any relationship with me.
And all these people who think the SM was acting perfectly reasonably and love the fact that the kids were upset as long as they can blame the Man.
SM was a bitch. OP's ex was incompetent but the children - how must they have felt?

The Step-mum is a MUM.

She's not Dad's girlfriend. She's legally a mother under the law to the children. No? Someone correct me.

A babysitter can refuse to have the kids. A girlfriend can. A mother or a father can't turn around and say I'm tired so I'm not having them!

Too many people get married to people with kids and treat them and perceive them as not there's as other.

Why marry someone with kids then?

I wouldn't. Because it wouldn't be fair as I have little tolerance for other people's kids.

i don’t know anyone that would do that - and nor did this lady. My neighbour would knock and I’d answer the door and help. Quite straightforward.

She already explained that she didn’t make a scene etc.

Wouldnt you just open the door, hear what happens and take the kids in. That step mum wasn’t forced to be with a man who already had kids. When she decided to be with him,then she accepted being a stepmum.

Exactly. I bet If the step mum turned up at parents evening or took them to the doctors there would be uproar!

Suggesting that the Ex's partner left the kids on her doorstep is a bit dramatic. They weren't "left" there. They were with their mother, perfectly safe. Perhaps not completely happy, if they understood that there was adult drama brewing, but absolutely not left shivering alone in the dark while SM peeked out from behind a curtain and cackled.

The kids weren't upset by the stepmum though, were they? They were upset by the dad and by OP. It's not about blaming the man - he caused the situation but OP's reaction would've been what hurt the kids. She's not a bitch for refusing to take responsibility for children who aren't hers just because neither parent would. Parents don't get to kick off when other people won't take care of their children, for free, with no notice, whenever they want - especially when it's being demanded instead of requested and the person demanding it is clearly not even nice to you.

I’m a step-mum. My step-children are very much part of our family, I knew they would be from the moment I got together with my husband (very hands on dad)

I would always have them in this situation. I’d never want them to feel unwelcome and that they aren’t part of our family.

No, she isn't legally mum to the stepkids. My stepdad isn't legally my stepdad, he never had any legal responsibility over me - he didn't adopt me or claim parental responsibility.

@GlassesWearer of course the kids would of known they were at the house and the car was on the drive their not stupid
Presumably the Op knocked the door before calling her ex and only called when no answer as she only got a rushed reply she then asked stepmum maybe thinking she may of had them until dad got home , but the kids knew someone was home

You're very, very, very, very wrong. She is not legally, biologically or morally their parent.

I don't know about you but I know lots of people with these funny things called legs. They often use them to leave their house with their car still at home 🙄

She's legally a mother under the law to the children.

Funny how step-mum becomes a mother under the law when babysitting is required 😂

I also think the stepmum is entitled to stay indoors. If she had opened the door to you and said that she had never agreed to look after your kids, I am sure it would have kicked off and stressed them out further. He is the one who doesn’t value your work time or his own kids enough to remember his commitments. He shouldn’t have put either of you in that position. I bet he has volunteered her to look after the kids without asking her beforehand many times.