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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
Loics · 17/10/2022 20:41

The only posters who are disagreeing with the op must be selfish step mums themselves who obviously arent going to last with their dps

Nope.

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:42

ElectedOnThursday · 17/10/2022 20:26

I think they’d had an argument about it. I bet he expected her to have the kids and she’d said no. Their union won’t last much longer.

Or maybe her bullshit tolerance is lower than OP’s. I think the dad sounds like a dickhead, but even dickhead men often stay with women who don’t put up with their shit and leave the women who do.

helpfulperson · 17/10/2022 20:44

YABU because its their home. To not even have the decency to open the door and explain why they aren't allowed into their home is showing a complete disregard for their feelings.

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:44

@Macbeth8

Sickening on his wife's part. My best friend became a bonus mum to her partner's 2 year old daughter.

You do get that women are human beings and not prizes for children to win as a bonus, right?

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 20:44

How do you know what she was doing that evening? Maybe she was going out. Maybe she was ill. You’ve just assumed because she was in when you were there she had nothing else to do but look after your children. But you have no idea what’s happening in her life.

Your ex forgot he was due to have his own children. He went to work and let you down. He clearly didn’t tell his wife that he’d said he was having his kids. Did he?

He created a situation where you turned up on the doorstep with the kids but no one was going to be looking after them. If they’re disappointed, it’s on their father. He let them down.

Stop being angry at the woman who had to tell you he’d let you down. It’s not up to her to fix her husband’s messes.

Coatdegroan · 17/10/2022 20:46

I think it's mainly him that was the dick, but she also could have been welcoming. So she is a bit of a dick too. Unless she had got something super important arranged, in which case she could have explained. Either way it was shit for you and I'm sorry you had to experience this.

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:46

@Macbeth8

The only posters who are disagreeing with the op must be selfish step mums themselves who obviously arent going to last with their dps

Nope, not a step-mum, but nice to know that the message to step-mums is put up and shut up or your partner will leave you.

babbi · 17/10/2022 20:46

I’m a step mum and would never dream of not opening the door and taking them in .
( if the father was taking the piss in some way I’d have dealt with him separately afterwards )

SausageEggBeans · 17/10/2022 20:46

SM and exH are both as shite as each other.

SM will be on here moaning in 20 years time that SC don't want her at their weddings, as they don't consider her family.

I had a weak dad and a horrible step mum. They expect me to do things for them now they are older, but I am the one now with the car in the drive and pretending I am not in.

ExH and SM will reap what they sow.

Cactuslove · 17/10/2022 20:47

I'd be very angry at ex. Nothing to do with his wife. He could have made other arrangements or left work when he realised you were outside. He didn't. He's rubbish- and she's stuck with him and she didn't fancy looking after his kids. It's crap but I couldn't blame her.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:48

Loics · 17/10/2022 20:41

The only posters who are disagreeing with the op must be selfish step mums themselves who obviously arent going to last with their dps

Nope.

Nope. And I would have let them in. This also wouldn't happen in my house because I'm not married to a man-child, and would have known about them coming in advance. And we've been married longer now than he was with his exW.

We're not all bitter hags with marriage problems. Tell yourself that if it helps you feel better but it's not true.

I completely disagree with OP directing her anger at the stepmum. Why is the thread not 'my exH agreed to have the kids an extra night so that I could work then forgot, what a twat, AIBU?'. The answer would be a resounding YANBU. She's chosen to direct her anger solely at the stepmum, to the point of starting a pissy thread only about her. You have to ask yourself why?

SillyLittleBiscuit · 17/10/2022 20:49

The anger towards the ex goes without saying. If the SM could have saved the children feeling like bit parts in their father’s life and let the OP keep her work commitment without too much bother then she should have. Deal with the dad later. Say to both it can never happen again but don’t leave those kids feeling unwelcome in their own home.

Alibro79 · 17/10/2022 20:50

You've had the thoroughly expected chorus of "nothing to do with her!" But let's be honest, it is. Of course it is. Her husband messed up, who wouldn't want to help their husband out of a difficult situation? Who wouldn't do things like this in the name of family harmony and keeping the peace? Of course she was being totally unreasonable.

SemperIdem · 17/10/2022 20:50

I would never do this, but I would want to. It’s clearly the wrong thing to do and that’s what would stop me.

I am fond of my step children and wouldn’t want them to feel unwanted, regardless of my own personal feelings about them arriving on my doorstep without warning.

I don’t love them the same as my own child, I never will. I care about them and make sure they feel welcome and at home when they are in my home.

I am not a bonus parent - they have two parents and I expect those parents to arrange childcare between themselves as appropriate, as I do for my child with her own father.

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 20:50

Sorry, I get that you're annoyed but they're not her responsibility, they're his responsibility.

GlassesWearer · 17/10/2022 20:51

Baffled by people who think she's being unreasonable here. There were three adults here - all three adults had plans. One adult needed to change their plans in order to look after the children. One of those adults agreed to have the children and forgot - it wasn't the stepmum. Two of those adults are the parents of the children - neither are the stepmum. Why the fuck should the only one expected to change their plan be the stepmum?! It's not as if it was a choice between leaving them alone, cold and starving and the stepmum leave them on the street - it was whether the children should be looked after by their mother or their stepmother after the father fucked up. Obviously, the mother has a greater obligation. I can't fathom how anyone sees this any differently other than thinking that the stepmum's time isn't worth anything (like OP has decided).

Mischance · 17/10/2022 20:51

I am sure you would not have wanted the children left with a woman who did not want them there - it would have been awful for them.

Your ex needs to take the blame and apologise profusely. If it happens again then you need to ring him a few hours before to remind him.

But are you sure it is an alright place for them to be at all?

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 20:51

you might also ask yourself why you kept banging on the door and phoning your ex’s
wife after speaking to your ex and finding out that he’d let you (and the children) down.

Yes, you needed to get to work. But you’d clearly decided it was her job to provide you with childcare - even when you’d spoken to your ex and he’d admitted he forgot he said he’d have them.

All the people going on about the children’s
feelings and not being allowed in their home are missing the point. If the woman who was basically ambushed for
childcare had been out, they wouldn’t have been in the empty house. The children were upset because their dad let them down and you pestered his wife on her doorstep and made a scene. They’d probably have been upset at the former because that shit fathering. But you didn’t need to keep
knocking and phoning when you knew your ex had fucked you over.

Goldbar · 17/10/2022 20:55

Alibro79 · 17/10/2022 20:50

You've had the thoroughly expected chorus of "nothing to do with her!" But let's be honest, it is. Of course it is. Her husband messed up, who wouldn't want to help their husband out of a difficult situation? Who wouldn't do things like this in the name of family harmony and keeping the peace? Of course she was being totally unreasonable.

Sometimes you need to refuse to pick up the pieces to get people to take responsibility for their own actions. Why should she necessarily jump straight in to fix her husband's screw-ups, especially if this is part of a pattern of behaviour?

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 17/10/2022 20:56

@Obki nothing bad happened to her but as a person who grew up knowing full well my step parents saw me as a major inconvenience and would much rather I wasn’t around I can say that to be child on a doorstep thinking they’re off to stay with their dad and being turned away then it’s not doing them, her relationship with them or their well-being any favours

Goldbar · 17/10/2022 20:58

OP, how far away does your ex work? What I don't understand is why you didn't drop the children off at his office... he'd agreed to have them so he should have stuck to his commitment and left work.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 20:58

It’s not women’s job to pick up the mess their husband’s make.

clearly neither her husband nor the OP even considered that she is a person with a right to a say in what she does on her evenings.

He sounds useless. Maybe he needs more practice meeting his own commitments without a woman doing it for him.

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 20:58

meh. You can give it all the “teeeechnically it’s not her responsibility” all you like. Back in the real world this is a step mum who doesn’t give a shit about those children. If she did, she’d have let them enter THEIR home.

file it away, OP. One day she’ll need a favour from you. You can decide what you want to do with that.

Alibro79 · 17/10/2022 21:01

Goldbar · 17/10/2022 20:55

Sometimes you need to refuse to pick up the pieces to get people to take responsibility for their own actions. Why should she necessarily jump straight in to fix her husband's screw-ups, especially if this is part of a pattern of behaviour?

Show quote history

We jump in and fix each other's screwups all the time 🤷🏻‍♀️ part of being a couple and having each other's backs. Why assume this is a one way thing in their relationship?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 21:01

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 20:58

meh. You can give it all the “teeeechnically it’s not her responsibility” all you like. Back in the real world this is a step mum who doesn’t give a shit about those children. If she did, she’d have let them enter THEIR home.

file it away, OP. One day she’ll need a favour from you. You can decide what you want to do with that.

Don't agree with this at all. You can give a shit about children and still not want to be the sole childcare at night with no notice. Not mutually exclusive at all.

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