Page 23 | am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

ooominn · 2022-10-17T18:22:01+00:00

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it. I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it. Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him. His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them. I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues. I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up?? WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night. My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:19

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:32

Read my further posts please.
My SD has recently moved in with us and is now finally getting her life in track at the same time. It was my idea btw!

Nobody knows why SM didn’t let them in - nobody. And if my DH ex randomly knocked on my door with no notice to then expect me to take my SD, it wouldn’t have gone down well either.

The problem here is firmly the OPs ex.

Show quote history

It’s pretty basic respect to at least come to the door even if you’re not going to let them in for whatever reason. Everyone seems to think of themselves and how ‘convenient’ things are with little regard for others. I don’t understand it personally. I am not perfect but I try to make people feel welcome, especially children.

LightHousePanda · 18/10/2022 08:21

Obki · 18/10/2022 07:55

She must have called her H or he must have called her, so she knew why OP was harassing her at the door with continued knocking. No big mystery.

Show quote history

Yes, fair enough once she spoke to her husband she knew the reason, but when she first saw them at the door she didn't answer the door. She instead called her husband to ask why they were there. Then when she found out why she ignored them. I wouldn't like to be treated like that.

bigmol · 18/10/2022 08:21

SudocremOnEverything · 18/10/2022 08:06

All these emotive images of poor waifs left on the doorstep and a cruel stepmother ‘denying them entry’ to ‘their home’… Feeling desperately unwelcome and unloved.

Except the children were with their mother. Who could (and did) drive them back home.

Apparently it makes no difference if their own mother makes them feel like an inconvenience.

There are as far as I can tell a lot of parents who have an enormous sense of entitlement and believe the world revolves around them. Everyone else owes them childcare.

I assume these are the same kind of
people who use stranger’s driveways because they need to park close to the school - and the homeowners had somehow agreed to this when they bought a house next to a school. Or who don’t book seats to sit near their kids of flights and then expect other people to move for them - and blame people who refuse for their children being upset. And so on.

But the mother had made arrangements. She didn't 'fudge up' at all. Their dad did. This wasn't some feckless mother wanting to fob the kids off onto the dads side so she could go on the piss at short notice. She wanted to work, presumably to be able to provide for her dc. She made arrangements to do so and dad forgot.

And actually in this situation I would be quite gutted if I were the dad too. It was his mistake but his wife has shown she won't back him up or support him. She's shown she sees his kids as an inconvenience. If I were him I'd be mortified by her behaviour.

God this threads make me so grateful for my dh and for my ex's wife who would never treat my dc like this.

FortunesFavour · 18/10/2022 08:22

I would think the same RedKettle. If she is available she should open the door. If she isn’t, and there is no prior arrangement, then she shouldn’t.

In your hypothetical situation, the children still have 2 parents who are responsible and between them need to organise care such that they don’t palm off childcare on the non parent without consulting her. The SM is not an unpaid nanny or skivvy, and nobody should presume to plan her time without consulting her. It’s so entitled and rude.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:22

Dynamicdinosaur · 18/10/2022 08:05

Well actually that’s not true. No upset with the kids, but she is meant to be working which means her work are expecting her and by her not working she’s causing inconvenience at work. She made her childcare arrangements in good faith and yes her ex let her down and both women should be furious with him but the SM is just rude and nasty to not take the children and then deal with her useless husband later.

Show quote history

No upset with the kids, but she is meant to be working which means her work are expecting her and by her not working she’s causing inconvenience at work. so is OP upset and angry because of her kids? Or because she then had hassle with work? Because even if (big if) you could argue the SM has some sort of responsibility for the kids (she really doesn't) there is absolutely ZERO obligation for her to help facilitate the OP's job.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:23

I was specifically addressing the idea that a woman shouldn't marry a man with kids unless she is prepared to provide ad hoc/last minute childcare. You aren't alone on this thread in suggesting it, but I don't understand why it is never the other way around?

Why are men not held responsible for finding a partner who wants that level of involvement with his kids? Why's it the woman's responsibility to avoid dating/marrying men with children rather than the man's responsibility to avoid dating a woman who doesn't want to be default childcare for his kids when him and his ex have other plans.

At what point do we acknowledge that the person who chose to bring the kids into existence should be taking that into account when getting into a new relationship. Not the single at-the-time child-free person who has no idea of what caring for kids entails.

Most of the comments on here are berating HER for 'getting with a man with kids' as though he isn't more to blame for bringing her into their lives. I just think it's an odd attitude to blame the women for her lack of enthusiasm rather than suggesting that he should have stayed single to prioritise his kids if this was the alternative.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:23

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 18/10/2022 07:38

Do you not see the irony of your post at all?

It could be argued that the OP is equally as selfish and only thinking of herself (far more so in my opinion, as she doesn't appear to give a single thought about the stepmum's feelings, only about hers).

This wasn't some sort of emergency. The OP wanted to pick up and extra shift at work (for her benefit) and her childcare fell through. Why does the OPs desire for a few extra quid trump the stepmums desire to have a quiet Sunday with her daughter?

Show quote history

Desire for a few extra quid? Are you aware there’s a cost of living crisis at the moment?

Secondly the stepmum could have stopped being a coward and/or extremely rude and instead of pretending not to be in could have come to the door, greeted the children and politely said she wasn’t able to to receive them for whatever reason.

Shocked that this is somehow unreasonable. But as I mentioned common respect and decency is rare these days as people don’t seem to have any community spirit if it doesn’t benefit them.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:23

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:19

It’s pretty basic respect to at least come to the door even if you’re not going to let them in for whatever reason. Everyone seems to think of themselves and how ‘convenient’ things are with little regard for others. I don’t understand it personally. I am not perfect but I try to make people feel welcome, especially children.

Show quote history

She probably didn't want the confrontation.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:24

Sorry, that was supposed to be a reply to @nannyogg.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 18/10/2022 08:24

bigmol · 18/10/2022 07:39

Not read the full thread so apologies if im repeating things.

In theory it's not her responsibility however I think it's incredibly rude and childish to hide in the house and ignore you. What message does that send to the kids? She has every right not to want to look after them but at least open the door and make up some excuse ('oh im sorry dc but your dad didn't tell me and I've got plans to go out now'). Even if op knew this was bullshit it would have made a big difference to the dc who now have to go there knowing that their stepmother shunned them.

The whole situation was caused by the ex but the stepmother behaved badly too. I can't believe so many people think it's ok to treat kids like that. I bet if this were a reverse and the op had said 'I'm a stepmother who left my dsc on the doorstep and hid from them' they'd get a pasting.

How do you know she heard the door? I don't always if I'm in the shower, listening to music, talking on the phone, in the back bedroom or even the conservatory messing about with the kids. Maybe she was giving her daughter a bath, putting her to bed, or the little one was already in bed and she had on her headphones, so didn't hear. Maybe she doesn't like answering her door at night if she's not expecting anyone and her phone was in another room. Christ maybe she was on the toilet! No one knows yet everyone is happily judging and denigrating this woman who for whatever reason dared say no to being default childcare for her husband's ex.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:24

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:19

It’s pretty basic respect to at least come to the door even if you’re not going to let them in for whatever reason. Everyone seems to think of themselves and how ‘convenient’ things are with little regard for others. I don’t understand it personally. I am not perfect but I try to make people feel welcome, especially children.

Show quote history

You’d think that wouldn’t you.
Which kind of suggests there’s something else going on.

You are wi life’s to open your door, any more than you are to answer your phone, if you don’t want to.

SM didn’t want to.

And I think it’s interesting, although we’ll neve probably know to learn of the dynamics in the house when the children are there.

Is this ‘horrible SM’ actually the one who has to do everything and now she’s finally said ‘I don’t think so’ and put her foot down.

And to be quite Frank, reading the OPs rant about her here, she did the right thing.

Still not SMS problem and the zip calling her a twat or a cunt for it is completely out of line!

Obki · 18/10/2022 08:25

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:19

It’s pretty basic respect to at least come to the door even if you’re not going to let them in for whatever reason. Everyone seems to think of themselves and how ‘convenient’ things are with little regard for others. I don’t understand it personally. I am not perfect but I try to make people feel welcome, especially children.

Show quote history

Given OP’s repeated ringing, knocking and calls, do you really think she would have taken no for an answer?

She would have insisted dsm take them in or maybe even (but hopefully not) left them kids there on the doorstep and left. It has happened on MN.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:25

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:23

I was specifically addressing the idea that a woman shouldn't marry a man with kids unless she is prepared to provide ad hoc/last minute childcare. You aren't alone on this thread in suggesting it, but I don't understand why it is never the other way around?

Why are men not held responsible for finding a partner who wants that level of involvement with his kids? Why's it the woman's responsibility to avoid dating/marrying men with children rather than the man's responsibility to avoid dating a woman who doesn't want to be default childcare for his kids when him and his ex have other plans.

At what point do we acknowledge that the person who chose to bring the kids into existence should be taking that into account when getting into a new relationship. Not the single at-the-time child-free person who has no idea of what caring for kids entails.

Most of the comments on here are berating HER for 'getting with a man with kids' as though he isn't more to blame for bringing her into their lives. I just think it's an odd attitude to blame the women for her lack of enthusiasm rather than suggesting that he should have stayed single to prioritise his kids if this was the alternative.

Who said a man shouldn’t be subject to the same thing?

Dynamicdinosaur · 18/10/2022 08:25

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:22

No upset with the kids, but she is meant to be working which means her work are expecting her and by her not working she’s causing inconvenience at work. so is OP upset and angry because of her kids? Or because she then had hassle with work? Because even if (big if) you could argue the SM has some sort of responsibility for the kids (she really doesn't) there is absolutely ZERO obligation for her to help facilitate the OP's job.

Show quote history

No there isn't but it's just nasty behaviour and says a lot about the SM as a person. I cannot envisage a situation where I wouldn't just take the kids in regardless of how pissed off I was with my partner and I would deal with it later, because, I'm actually not a total cow which this SM clearly is. Dad was crap, no question, but thank goodness this is MN and in real life most people act like decent humans

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:25

*Not obliged (not wi life’s)

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:25

okytdvhuoo · 18/10/2022 07:52

Innit. I don’t have kids but it’s just weird (and rude) to ignore door and phone rather than answer and possibly even, you know, try and sort out with OP what’s happening. 🤦🏻

Show quote history

Why? The kids are with their mum. They are safe with a parent. They don't need SM to do anything.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:26

Dynamicdinosaur · 18/10/2022 08:25

No there isn't but it's just nasty behaviour and says a lot about the SM as a person. I cannot envisage a situation where I wouldn't just take the kids in regardless of how pissed off I was with my partner and I would deal with it later, because, I'm actually not a total cow which this SM clearly is. Dad was crap, no question, but thank goodness this is MN and in real life most people act like decent humans

Show quote history

It's not nasty to not facilitate someone else's career.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:27

Obki · 18/10/2022 08:25

Given OP’s repeated ringing, knocking and calls, do you really think she would have taken no for an answer?

She would have insisted dsm take them in or maybe even (but hopefully not) left them kids there on the doorstep and left. It has happened on MN.

Show quote history

This! Exactly.
Nobody is obliged to be counter with what would have (demonstrably) been a forceful exchange.

SM not in the wrong here at all.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:27

Obki · 18/10/2022 08:25

Given OP’s repeated ringing, knocking and calls, do you really think she would have taken no for an answer?

She would have insisted dsm take them in or maybe even (but hopefully not) left them kids there on the doorstep and left. It has happened on MN.

Show quote history

Yes if someone was harassing me like that I wouldn't answer the fucking door. I'd be like uh oh...the Ex is angry ill leave that for DP.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:28

Are you not a total cow dynamic?
Are you sure about that!

Honestly, the name calling at the SM is pathetic.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:29

Exactly my feelings too. I’m not arguing that she should be forced to take them, though I think if she didn’t have plans in principle she should have, but at LEAST come to the door! I will not excuse that level of rudeness or cowardice, sorry.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:29

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:25

Who said a man shouldn’t be subject to the same thing?

Show quote history

I've seen lots of posts on here saying that the step mum shouldn't have married a man with kids if she didn't want to be responsible for them - those comments all seemed to place responsibility for their relationship squarely with the step mum. That's what I was commenting on.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 18/10/2022 08:31

Well actually that’s not true. No upset with the kids, but she is meant to be working which means her work are expecting her and by her not working she’s causing inconvenience at work. She made her childcare arrangements in good faith and yes her ex let her down and both women should be furious with him but the SM is just rude and nasty to not take the children and then deal with her useless husband later.

The post I was replying to spoke solely of the children. I don't disagree the OP's work suffered inconvenience and upset.

She is not rude and nasty. We have no idea what is happening in her life to make that assumption. There could be a perfectly valid reason which she doesn't wish to disclose to her husband's ex, so went with 'tired'.

asdasult · 18/10/2022 08:33

All this sort of thing is why I stayed single and only had casual flings until my kids were grown up. I could not have coped with this sort of stuff.

Redkettle · 18/10/2022 08:35

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:29

I've seen lots of posts on here saying that the step mum shouldn't have married a man with kids if she didn't want to be responsible for them - those comments all seemed to place responsibility for their relationship squarely with the step mum. That's what I was commenting on.

Show quote history

But the question still stands? What if a mother passes away? Will the kids then not go to their father because step mum shouldn't have that responsibility? Because that happens, where do you draw the line?