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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
bigmol · 18/10/2022 08:36

@RocketsMagnificent7 obviously if she genuinely didn't hear the door that's another issue. Only op knows how obvious it was if it was deliberate. If it was a case of her hiding though it's very poor and frankly embarrassing behaviour.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:36

asdasult · 18/10/2022 08:33

All this sort of thing is why I stayed single and only had casual flings until my kids were grown up. I could not have coped with this sort of stuff.

Yep, it’s trying!

My DH ex once expected me to drive back and forth, two junctions on a motorway, twice a day to take my SD to school, so she could have an off-peak cheap ski holiday with her sister, when I was 7.5 months pregnant!

😂

Can you imagine thinking that
that a reasonable thing to ask (she was met with short shrift (from my DH).

There were a few other corners too, but we got over those pretty quickly.

She pushed, we pushed back, and it settled in a happy medium.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:37

*clangers (not corners)

Naunet · 18/10/2022 08:37

LightHousePanda · 18/10/2022 08:21

Yes, fair enough once she spoke to her husband she knew the reason, but when she first saw them at the door she didn't answer the door. She instead called her husband to ask why they were there. Then when she found out why she ignored them. I wouldn't like to be treated like that.

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I wouldn’t like to be treated like Im a free drop in nanny just because my husband and his ex can’t organise childcare for THEIR child either.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 08:38

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:29

Exactly my feelings too. I’m not arguing that she should be forced to take them, though I think if she didn’t have plans in principle she should have, but at LEAST come to the door! I will not excuse that level of rudeness or cowardice, sorry.

She doesnt want to come to the door. No one is owed an answer when you knock on someone else's door. The sense of entitlement is strong here!

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:42

Redkettle · 18/10/2022 08:35

But the question still stands? What if a mother passes away? Will the kids then not go to their father because step mum shouldn't have that responsibility? Because that happens, where do you draw the line?

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I think you're misunderstanding me - the responsibility for this kind of decision/discussion is the father's. If a man already has kids, it's on him to ensure that he has a family set-up that prioritises them in any eventuality. It's not up to a step mother (or potential step mother) to give those children more consideration than their own parent when entering into a relationship.

Hence my dismay at all the comments blaming the step mother for even being in this relationship without wondering why the dad 'got with her' if it wasn't going to be in the best interests of his children.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 18/10/2022 08:45

PinkPalaceinthesky · 18/10/2022 08:12

@RocketsMagnificent7 But she DID get them out of the car and put them on the doorstep so your point is moot.

And the way she has been ranting on here I very much doubt that kids didn't pick up this in some way.

Apologies, I thought you had aimed your comment at the stepmum. However, yes I agree. There was no need for any drama or upset or 'poor kids' until their mum created that.

I'm sure they will have heard everything when their mum rang their stepmum, because she'd chosen to get them out of the car. There really was no need.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 18/10/2022 08:47

HailAdrian · 18/10/2022 08:17

I bet if this were a reverse and the op had said 'I'm a stepmother who left my dsc on the doorstep and hid from them' they'd get a pasting.

Absolutely 💯. That's why nobody should take a 'pasting' too personally, people on here literally just do it for kicks.

Where's the proof she hid from them? Has there never been an occasion you've not heard your front door or been in the middle of something that meant you couldn't answer?

DysonSpheres · 18/10/2022 08:47

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:22

The fuck you attitude of “well they’re not her kids, not her problem” is part of the problem in society these days. People are so selfish and think only of themselves. They may not be her biological kids but they’re her step kids and when you get in a serious relationship with someone with kids you take them on too! Think of the message this sends to the children! I could never do that! If I absolutely couldn’t take them in I would at least come to the door to explain why. Have some common flipping decency!!

@CatsAndDogs21 Could not agree more!

Redkettle · 18/10/2022 08:50

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:42

I think you're misunderstanding me - the responsibility for this kind of decision/discussion is the father's. If a man already has kids, it's on him to ensure that he has a family set-up that prioritises them in any eventuality. It's not up to a step mother (or potential step mother) to give those children more consideration than their own parent when entering into a relationship.

Hence my dismay at all the comments blaming the step mother for even being in this relationship without wondering why the dad 'got with her' if it wasn't going to be in the best interests of his children.

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I agree, but also a lot of people make promises early on in the relationship and maybe those conversations happen and the other party does not deliver. Any person getting with someone with kids whether male or female shoukd be prepared for that responsibility. Adults would rather be right than create a nice environment for the kids, this thread (not your post) saddens me. I hope a lot of these militant posters aren't stepmothers.

DysonSpheres · 18/10/2022 08:50

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:27

And this is why so many children of deprecated parents struggle mentally. Shocked by the coldness displayed here. I don’t think I could be with someone who just saw my kids as add ins instead of part of the family.

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But then I'm thinking you'd probably take care to marry someone decent. Which it seems the Father in this situation hasn't. So I have to admit that's on him. Although the SM actions are still crap.

FortunesFavour · 18/10/2022 08:53

DysonSpheres - and how about the “fuck you” attitude displayed by both parents here towards the SM? No need to share plans with her, making a scene on her doorstep because they’d messed up arrangements. Many posters on this thread need to understand that they do not take ownership of the SM’s time, she is not their employee, and if they can’t arrange reliable childcare between the mother and the father they are not entitled to take these frustrations out on the SM. They still do though.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 08:54

FortunesFavour · 18/10/2022 08:53

DysonSpheres - and how about the “fuck you” attitude displayed by both parents here towards the SM? No need to share plans with her, making a scene on her doorstep because they’d messed up arrangements. Many posters on this thread need to understand that they do not take ownership of the SM’s time, she is not their employee, and if they can’t arrange reliable childcare between the mother and the father they are not entitled to take these frustrations out on the SM. They still do though.

Yep, agree completely.

SudocremOnEverything · 18/10/2022 08:58

Redkettle · 18/10/2022 08:35

But the question still stands? What if a mother passes away? Will the kids then not go to their father because step mum shouldn't have that responsibility? Because that happens, where do you draw the line?

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Irrelevant whatifery.

What if aliens attacked? Equally relevant to the situation at hand.

Same on the what if they were teenagers and their mum went there. Or any other totally different scenario.

TattoedLady · 18/10/2022 09:00

If you're the type of person who calls the mother of your children's sibling a C**T because she didn't drop her plans for you, then that says all anyone needs to know really. Small wonder she didn't answer the door!

NormalNans · 18/10/2022 09:01

FortunesFavour · 18/10/2022 08:53

DysonSpheres - and how about the “fuck you” attitude displayed by both parents here towards the SM? No need to share plans with her, making a scene on her doorstep because they’d messed up arrangements. Many posters on this thread need to understand that they do not take ownership of the SM’s time, she is not their employee, and if they can’t arrange reliable childcare between the mother and the father they are not entitled to take these frustrations out on the SM. They still do though.

This is absolutely it.

Like other posters on here, I’m a good step mum. I took in my stepdaughter when her own mum kicked her out. Have supported the kids financially, emotionally and practically. I consider them to be my kids but not me to be their mum. I gave one of the kids away at their wedding, was birth partner for another etc. However, I can see how the absolute piss is being taken here by OP and her ex, they keep communication to a minimum and the result of that is that they totally fucked up between them and stepmum was left to pick up the pieces. No one knows if this was the first or most recent time and no one knows what step mum is dealing with.

This isn’t about little orphans being left on the doorstep or step mum refusing them entry for no reason, this is about a couple of parents who don’t communicate properly and are leaving someone else to bail them out.

DysonSpheres · 18/10/2022 09:20

SudocremOnEverything · 18/10/2022 08:58

Irrelevant whatifery.

What if aliens attacked? Equally relevant to the situation at hand.

Same on the what if they were teenagers and their mum went there. Or any other totally different scenario.

Show quote history

Not it's definitely not irrelevant!

I don't know about your circumstances, but when you are a single parent, 'what happens to my kids if anything happens to me' is a question that crosses your mind.

Me and my ex discussed this. We discussed what we would want if either of us passed away or if both of us did.

He has a brother he thinks would step in to help with our children if he passed away. I nominated my sister and aunt as support if it was me. We both said my father if were both of us.

Fortunately my 2 are adults now so this is not a problem.

But these are the things you need to think about when remarrying. Is this person genuinely maternal/paternal? Would he/she be willing to become a full time father/mother and have the children live with us if the situation called for it? Do they genuinely bond with my children? Are there non-negotiables in regards to parenting the children, what are they? Are our parenting styles similar? Is this person only interested in me? How would joint money/assets be spent in regards or passed on and divided to my kids/his/her kids?

Even when you have no children and are thinking about marriage you are encouraged to discuss: Do you see yourself having children? Yes/no? How many children would you find ideal? Do you think it's ok to work while raising kids, or do you believe in being a SAHP? etc etc. More questions should be asked when kids are already in the equation.

I will say I do think men are a bit lazier in regards to this, and will settle down with a woman who gives him attention without thinking of his kids more. A woman (who usually has the children full-time) is generally more circumspect in her choice.

After this little episode, I can tell you I would be putting it somewhere official that in the event of my demise or extreme illness, my children are to stay with family who love them, not to someone who clearly wouldn't tolerate them.

That's if I had an option, otherwise I'd suspect I'd find the sheer will to hang on rather than countenance them suffering that.

bigmol · 18/10/2022 09:20

Only on MN could it be classed as 'entitlement' to think someone should answer the door when you knock 😂😂😂

Because hiding behind the sofa is the normal default option apparently.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 09:21

DysonSpheres · 18/10/2022 09:20

Not it's definitely not irrelevant!

I don't know about your circumstances, but when you are a single parent, 'what happens to my kids if anything happens to me' is a question that crosses your mind.

Me and my ex discussed this. We discussed what we would want if either of us passed away or if both of us did.

He has a brother he thinks would step in to help with our children if he passed away. I nominated my sister and aunt as support if it was me. We both said my father if were both of us.

Fortunately my 2 are adults now so this is not a problem.

But these are the things you need to think about when remarrying. Is this person genuinely maternal/paternal? Would he/she be willing to become a full time father/mother and have the children live with us if the situation called for it? Do they genuinely bond with my children? Are there non-negotiables in regards to parenting the children, what are they? Are our parenting styles similar? Is this person only interested in me? How would joint money/assets be spent in regards or passed on and divided to my kids/his/her kids?

Even when you have no children and are thinking about marriage you are encouraged to discuss: Do you see yourself having children? Yes/no? How many children would you find ideal? Do you think it's ok to work while raising kids, or do you believe in being a SAHP? etc etc. More questions should be asked when kids are already in the equation.

I will say I do think men are a bit lazier in regards to this, and will settle down with a woman who gives him attention without thinking of his kids more. A woman (who usually has the children full-time) is generally more circumspect in her choice.

After this little episode, I can tell you I would be putting it somewhere official that in the event of my demise or extreme illness, my children are to stay with family who love them, not to someone who clearly wouldn't tolerate them.

That's if I had an option, otherwise I'd suspect I'd find the sheer will to hang on rather than countenance them suffering that.

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They wouldn't have to become a full time parent that would be insulting to their deceased parent

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 09:24

bigmol · 18/10/2022 09:20

Only on MN could it be classed as 'entitlement' to think someone should answer the door when you knock 😂😂😂

Because hiding behind the sofa is the normal default option apparently.

The attitude of "she's so rude she didn't answer the door" "so disrespectful". Is entitled. Its her home she doesn't have to answer the door to anyone. Especially not someone who is repeatedly calling and knocking on the door.

She doesnt have to be hiding behind the sofa to be ignoring it.

Or for all we know she could have been on the bog.

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 18/10/2022 09:28

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 08:23

Desire for a few extra quid? Are you aware there’s a cost of living crisis at the moment?

Secondly the stepmum could have stopped being a coward and/or extremely rude and instead of pretending not to be in could have come to the door, greeted the children and politely said she wasn’t able to to receive them for whatever reason.

Shocked that this is somehow unreasonable. But as I mentioned common respect and decency is rare these days as people don’t seem to have any community spirit if it doesn’t benefit them.

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I just knew you'd trot out the cost of living excuse. The problem with that is you have no idea of the either party's financial and health situations.

Let's say that the OP is picking up an extra shift to help with the cost of living. Does that mean her needs are more important than SM's?

What if the SM works 6-days a week, with the Sunday being her only chance to relax and recharge? Should SM forego this and be more tired /stressed for her own job?

What if SM has a health condition the OP is unaware of that was flaring up, should the SM just suck it up and accept she has to make her health worse because her step kids parents can't parent?

What if having the children overnight would impact on her ability to go to work the next day? Let's face it if Dad is stupid enough to forget he's got the kids and is also working a Sunday night then chances of him sorting the kids the next day are remote at best. Should SM just have to call in late to make sure the kids are sorted in the morning too?

Even if none of the above was true and SM just didn't want to look after additional kids alone on a Sunday, does that mean she has to suck it up because OP didn't double check with dad?

The answer to all of the above is no. OP and Dad need to ensure there is childcare in place and if not, accept it is their plans that are ones impacted.

As for answering the door/common decency I think you've a cheek insinuating that the SM is somehow rude.

The OP has given us an insight into how she views SM, labelling her a and directing her rage towards SM and not the feckless idiot who somehow forgot he agreed to look after his own kids. I think SM knew exactly what she would be in for if she opened the door and quite rightly thought "fuck that, not today."

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 09:29

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2022 08:29

I've seen lots of posts on here saying that the step mum shouldn't have married a man with kids if she didn't want to be responsible for them - those comments all seemed to place responsibility for their relationship squarely with the step mum. That's what I was commenting on.

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Tbh I think people would have the same view on if it was a man who married a woman with kids?

Blossomtoes · 18/10/2022 09:30

Its her home

Isn’t it also supposed to be her stepchildren’s home?

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 09:31

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 18/10/2022 09:28

I just knew you'd trot out the cost of living excuse. The problem with that is you have no idea of the either party's financial and health situations.

Let's say that the OP is picking up an extra shift to help with the cost of living. Does that mean her needs are more important than SM's?

What if the SM works 6-days a week, with the Sunday being her only chance to relax and recharge? Should SM forego this and be more tired /stressed for her own job?

What if SM has a health condition the OP is unaware of that was flaring up, should the SM just suck it up and accept she has to make her health worse because her step kids parents can't parent?

What if having the children overnight would impact on her ability to go to work the next day? Let's face it if Dad is stupid enough to forget he's got the kids and is also working a Sunday night then chances of him sorting the kids the next day are remote at best. Should SM just have to call in late to make sure the kids are sorted in the morning too?

Even if none of the above was true and SM just didn't want to look after additional kids alone on a Sunday, does that mean she has to suck it up because OP didn't double check with dad?

The answer to all of the above is no. OP and Dad need to ensure there is childcare in place and if not, accept it is their plans that are ones impacted.

As for answering the door/common decency I think you've a cheek insinuating that the SM is somehow rude.

The OP has given us an insight into how she views SM, labelling her a and directing her rage towards SM and not the feckless idiot who somehow forgot he agreed to look after his own kids. I think SM knew exactly what she would be in for if she opened the door and quite rightly thought "fuck that, not today."

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Just because OP is upset here and venting her feelings it doesn’t mean she is rude face to face. How do you know this rudeness is not ongoing from SM and that’s why OP has little patience for it? I’m sorry, I don’t care about the reasons - unless OP is rude or abusive hiding inside like a coward and/or person without manners is rude.

Also cost of living is not an excuse. It’s a very real concern for the vast majority of the country right now.

DysonSpheres · 18/10/2022 09:32

FortunesFavour · 18/10/2022 08:53

DysonSpheres - and how about the “fuck you” attitude displayed by both parents here towards the SM? No need to share plans with her, making a scene on her doorstep because they’d messed up arrangements. Many posters on this thread need to understand that they do not take ownership of the SM’s time, she is not their employee, and if they can’t arrange reliable childcare between the mother and the father they are not entitled to take these frustrations out on the SM. They still do though.

What 'fuck you?'. You mean general messy parenting life?

I've had occasions when I forgot a work meeting was scheduled, or I got caught in traffic and have had to emergency call a relative/friend/another mum at the same school to pick my kids up.

Family life has messy moments. It's naive to think you'll never be prevailed upon when marrying into a ready made family.

Like all things, it's how you react. SM could have taken the kids in, dumped them in front the TV or DVD player Netflix. And then communicated any frustration to her DH whilst ensuring the kids weren't treated like shit. It's just decent behaviour.

If was AIBU with sex reversed: 'I forgot I agreed to have the kids, when their dad (my ex) dropped them off, my husband (their stepfather), left them on the doorstep and refused to open the door. Ex had to take them home. Am I BU to be upset about this?' You can bet your bottom dollar the answer would be LTB and what a stupid idiot you are for choosing a man who dislikes your children! Plus he's controlling.