am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

I remember having meltdowns after meltdowns because my ex wanted "flexibility" and because I could never have a routine and never knew where I was with my own kids coming and going.

Must be a shit mum then. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@DebussytoaDiscoBeat

Funny how according to MN a child’s alleged perception of an event will either traumatise them or be water off a duck’s back depending on whether it’s a mum or a stepmum making that decision.

So true!

I do think it's cold to refuse your step-children like that, especially if it was just a one-off and not a regular thing. Even if you try to disguise what's happened children aren't as stupid as some adults think they are and can pick up on what's happened.

Also when she was refusing to answer the door she didn't know why they were there. What if it was something more serious? She was just ignoring her step-children and their mum on sight.

The dc's welfare is not an issue here. They would either have a night with mum or with dad/stepmum. In the end, they just went home with Mum.

Fair enough to think stepmum was an unhelpful twat. She was.

But the major twat here is your ex. He fucked up, either by accident or design. Remember it next time either one of them needs a favour, and at some point they will need a favour.

That wouldn't be damaging for the children at all.

Causing a scene, then 'pretending' to drive off leaving your young children standing on a doorstep. What an incredible parent you must be.

There's every chance there is much more to this, as OP made no comment on the stepmum having a history of ignoring her children or being unkind, and there could be any number of things going on which she doesn't wish to tell the OP. She does not have to explain herself.

Innit. I don’t have kids but it’s just weird (and rude) to ignore door and phone rather than answer and possibly even, you know, try and sort out with OP what’s happening. 🤦🏻

Of course he should! But as he wasn't there (when he should have been) I was talking about the adult who WAS there. I'd have felt the same about the ignoring if it had been his mother! And yes if there are children involved BOTH parties (especially the actual parent) need to be aware there are responsibilities and a level of care towards them. I just don't agree with the 'Well, they're not my kids, so not my problem' attitude. I also don't agree with being a step-parent means that you have to be automatic childcare if the parent can't be arsed. But this was an emergency for the OP

You shouldn’t be seeing her as their stepmother, she’s the wife of your ex which is not necessarily the same thing.

How many times has your exes partner had to pick up after him and take the kids so you can both be on your merry way? I'd be very interested to hear her side of the story. The amount of threads on here from SMs complaining they're just used for childcare by both parents is why I'd never get together with a man who had kids.

She must have called her H or he must have called her, so she knew why OP was harassing her at the door with continued knocking. No big mystery.

So true. It’s only step-mums on the receiving end of this vicious spitefulness.

My husbands dad has a stepmum like this. None of us can stand her but he puts up with her because of his dad and his half brothers. Hates this side of the family, we've given them framed photos of our kids found them in the attic shoved away...if his dad wasn't around there would be no contact. If you are a stepmum then you behave like one and not treat your husbands kids like shit especially when you go on to have your own and the original kids feel left out. Some real pieces of work on here cold unfeeling cowbags

They went home with their mum, how exactly is that suffering?

Had their mum not got them out of the car and taken them to the doorstep (upon which they were apparently left) they wouldn't have known anything other than 'silly daddy got his days mixed up, oh well never mind, shall we pop to get a hot chocolate on the way home and watch a film?' No drama, no upset.

Husband has stepmum like this obvs not his dad...

But this was an emergency for the OP

No it wasn’t, and that’s why the step mum in this story did nothing wrong. If it had been an emergency like OPs parents had been hospitalised or something, then we could fairly consider the step mum mean for not helping out. But there was no emergency, OP just picked up an extra shift at work and didn’t bother to confirm her childcare plan.

Did your FIL ask his dad why he didn’t put the framed photos up? Or did he expect his stepmum to sort it?

Well actually that’s not true. No upset with the kids, but she is meant to be working which means her work are expecting her and by her not working she’s causing inconvenience at work. She made her childcare arrangements in good faith and yes her ex let her down and both women should be furious with him but the SM is just rude and nasty to not take the children and then deal with her useless husband later.

All these emotive images of poor waifs left on the doorstep and a cruel stepmother ‘denying them entry’ to ‘their home’… Feeling desperately unwelcome and unloved.

Except the children were with their mother. Who could (and did) drive them back home.

Apparently it makes no difference if their own mother makes them feel like an inconvenience.

There are as far as I can tell a lot of parents who have an enormous sense of entitlement and believe the world revolves around them. Everyone else owes them childcare.

I assume these are the same kind of
people who use stranger’s driveways because they need to park close to the school - and the homeowners had somehow agreed to this when they bought a house next to a school. Or who don’t book seats to sit near their kids of flights and then expect other people to move for them - and blame people who refuse for their children being upset. And so on.

No my husband didn't ask his dad. He hates confrontation. I was going to but he didn't want any fuss . He was brought up knowing she didn't like him and wasnt surprised she wanted nothing to do with the grandkids either. But its def her, but yes And him for being weak. No photos in house of my husband or his other sister just of the stepmums kids.
Once his dad dies she's on her own.

I suspect it was the dictatorial ‘end of’ after you said step-mums have to take on step-children.

You can’t force people to do anything, you know.

All these posters blaming the “rude and nasty stepmum” seem to have a stepmother chip on their shoulder. Once again - these children have two parents who between them fudged up childcare. The mother and father are responsible, stop fobbing off this responsibility on the stepmother fgs. She did nothing wrong. The shoddy parenting here lies with the parents.

@RocketsMagnificent7 was responding to a poster who said it’s the kids who suffered, and you’ve rambled about how she’s inconvenienced her workplace….

@RocketsMagnificent7 But she DID get them out of the car and put them on the doorstep so your point is moot.

And the way she has been ranting on here I very much doubt that kids didn't pick up this in some way.

What would your response be for example...kids are older, call round to dad's house, dad not home, step-mum is home, ignores door. What would you think of that?

I bet if this were a reverse and the op had said 'I'm a stepmother who left my dsc on the doorstep and hid from them' they'd get a pasting.

Absolutely 💯. That's why nobody should take a 'pasting' too personally, people on here literally just do it for kicks.