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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
Robishar · 18/10/2022 06:53

aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2022 06:10

Thankyou for your very biased comment with experience from only one side of the situation, presented as fact.

Show quote history

Sorry...how have I made any more or less of a judgement than anybody else on this post? What is it about my particular post that offended you so drastically?
Also, 'from one side'? I'm lost. Do you mean I only have one side of the story from the OP, in that case...yes, as does everyone else. If you mean I only have a one sided experience...no, reread my post. I have experience of 2 types of step parent. I've given my opinion, as has every other post on this thread, how am I singled out as being biased and factual lol I even said...IMHO...it literally said opinion 😆

LGBirmingham · 18/10/2022 07:00

This is so weird. Maybe it isn't technically her responsibility but to refuse entry to children is just plain spiteful. It isn't their fault and they do have feelings. Poor kids.

PinkSyCo · 18/10/2022 07:06

PinkPalaceinthesky · 18/10/2022 06:42

And once again it's the kids that suffer..........

They got to spend time with their mum instead of their stepmum. How is that suffering?

Redkettle · 18/10/2022 07:08

This place is batshit crazy. She's their step-mum not some stranger

tiredofthiisshit21 · 18/10/2022 07:09

And once again a step parenting thread goes batshit. All you ladies frothing at the mouth at the stepmum, I guarantee you're not stepmums yourself and have no experience whatsoever to base your very biased opinions on.

And all the 'is the children's house as well' comments - how do you know the details of their set up?

My house is exactly that - my house. I owned it before my husband came along, I extended it so that his kids could have bedrooms here when they stayed, but I own (and we have this in writing) 80% of it. Sure, it's their home on the days they stay here. But that doesn't give them unilateral access whenever they please without prior arrangement.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/10/2022 07:12

Why are people going on about the poor kids being turned away as if staying at their dad’s house without him even being there was some kind of treat the DC were missing out on, I'm sure they’d have preferred to spend the evening with mum if dad was away at work. If plans fall through then mum needs to put her children first and financially do whatever she’d have done had she not been offered overtime.

If the DC are that sensitive that they’re going to be traumatised by a cheery “oh silly daddy, there’s been a mix-up, come on kids let’s go back home” then they’ll also be too sensitive to appreciate the cost of living crisis means mummy wants to pick up an extra shift, and will simply see it as mum abandoning them for the night because she wants to do something else. Funny how according to MN a child’s alleged perception of an event will either traumatise them or be water off a duck’s back depending on whether it’s a mum or a stepmum making that decision.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 18/10/2022 07:12

But if I did go there, I wouldn't bleat about how tough it is afterwards and keep my step-kids on the doorstep.

By that sentiment no parent ever can 'bleat' about how tough it is, after all it's no secret parenting is a hard gig.

Or is it not stepmums who have to put and shut up?

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:14

why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

Because it’s not really her problem is it. YABVU for suggesting this alone. Women don’t have to clean up men’s mistakes and yes in theory that applies to you too.
But you had no choice re your children did you. She did.

Maybe she was knackered! And if he hasn’t told her about it, why would she open the door as take them in.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:17

And what’s the in your title?

I am guessing I know what word you mean!

Nice, you sound lovely OP. Just lovely.

Your ex fucked up here, not the SM.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:18

That had four asterisks in my last post by the way ‘* * * *’

to ask what horrid name you were calling her.

Untitledsquatboulder · 18/10/2022 07:20

@Quincythequince why? Becaue they are her stepchildren, not some randoms off the street. You can try and dress this up as some Great Feminist Issue but really it's about family and how you treat them.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:22

The fuck you attitude of “well they’re not her kids, not her problem” is part of the problem in society these days. People are so selfish and think only of themselves. They may not be her biological kids but they’re her step kids and when you get in a serious relationship with someone with kids you take them on too! Think of the message this sends to the children! I could never do that! If I absolutely couldn’t take them in I would at least come to the door to explain why. Have some common flipping decency!!

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:23

Untitledsquatboulder · 18/10/2022 07:20

@Quincythequince why? Becaue they are her stepchildren, not some randoms off the street. You can try and dress this up as some Great Feminist Issue but really it's about family and how you treat them.

Well said. I’m so tired of people’s callousness and selfishness. No wonder families are so broken up these days when this is how people behave and think is ok.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:24

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:14

why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

Because it’s not really her problem is it. YABVU for suggesting this alone. Women don’t have to clean up men’s mistakes and yes in theory that applies to you too.
But you had no choice re your children did you. She did.

Maybe she was knackered! And if he hasn’t told her about it, why would she open the door as take them in.

You’re nice.

Ideasideas · 18/10/2022 07:24

If someone made a post about "my DH forgot he agreed to have his children one extra night. WIBU to refuse to let my stepchildren in when their mum turned up with them? Despite having no plans and having their half sibling with me? I was tired afterall..." I bet most people would say that she should be cross with her DH but it was mean to refuse them when they're on the doorstep and unless the mother has form for this then why couldn't you just have helped one night...

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:25

I know who they are.
I read the post.
I’m also a SM and have had helped my DHs ex directly when she needed it.

But You have to ask why the SM didn’t open the door?! There could have been any number of reasons for it and maybe she didn’t want to deal with two extra kids at that time. She clearly didn’t.

And you can say what you like re it being a big feminist issue, the OPs language about this woman is appalling quite frankly.
But this mix up wasnt SMs problem to fix and for whatever reason, she didn’t.

This is firmly between OP and her ex H.

Love how SMs on here are meant to act like a parent when it suits the parents, but back up and MYOB when it doesn’t.

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:27

tiredofthiisshit21 · 18/10/2022 07:09

And once again a step parenting thread goes batshit. All you ladies frothing at the mouth at the stepmum, I guarantee you're not stepmums yourself and have no experience whatsoever to base your very biased opinions on.

And all the 'is the children's house as well' comments - how do you know the details of their set up?

My house is exactly that - my house. I owned it before my husband came along, I extended it so that his kids could have bedrooms here when they stayed, but I own (and we have this in writing) 80% of it. Sure, it's their home on the days they stay here. But that doesn't give them unilateral access whenever they please without prior arrangement.

And this is why so many children of deprecated parents struggle mentally. Shocked by the coldness displayed here. I don’t think I could be with someone who just saw my kids as add ins instead of part of the family.

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:27

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:24

You’re nice.

Show quote history

I am thanks.
I have a nice relationship my DH ex-wife and also with my SD (now aged 24) who has recently temporarily moved in with us.

People can be nice and also have views that you don’t like - stay mad!

Quincythequince · 18/10/2022 07:32

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:23

Well said. I’m so tired of people’s callousness and selfishness. No wonder families are so broken up these days when this is how people behave and think is ok.

Show quote history

Read my further posts please.
My SD has recently moved in with us and is now finally getting her life in track at the same time. It was my idea btw!

Nobody knows why SM didn’t let them in - nobody. And if my DH ex randomly knocked on my door with no notice to then expect me to take my SD, it wouldn’t have gone down well either.

The problem here is firmly the OPs ex.

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 18/10/2022 07:38

CatsAndDogs21 · 18/10/2022 07:22

The fuck you attitude of “well they’re not her kids, not her problem” is part of the problem in society these days. People are so selfish and think only of themselves. They may not be her biological kids but they’re her step kids and when you get in a serious relationship with someone with kids you take them on too! Think of the message this sends to the children! I could never do that! If I absolutely couldn’t take them in I would at least come to the door to explain why. Have some common flipping decency!!

Do you not see the irony of your post at all?

It could be argued that the OP is equally as selfish and only thinking of herself (far more so in my opinion, as she doesn't appear to give a single thought about the stepmum's feelings, only about hers).

This wasn't some sort of emergency. The OP wanted to pick up and extra shift at work (for her benefit) and her childcare fell through. Why does the OPs desire for a few extra quid trump the stepmums desire to have a quiet Sunday with her daughter?

Chesneyhawkes1 · 18/10/2022 07:39

Obviously your ex is a complete arse but so is she. Would it have killed her to help out? Totally ignoring you is just rude and weird.

I'd have looked after DSS in this situation. Why wouldn't I? Our home is also his home. I can't leave him stood on the pavement like he's someone I don't even know.

bigmol · 18/10/2022 07:39

Not read the full thread so apologies if im repeating things.

In theory it's not her responsibility however I think it's incredibly rude and childish to hide in the house and ignore you. What message does that send to the kids? She has every right not to want to look after them but at least open the door and make up some excuse ('oh im sorry dc but your dad didn't tell me and I've got plans to go out now'). Even if op knew this was bullshit it would have made a big difference to the dc who now have to go there knowing that their stepmother shunned them.

The whole situation was caused by the ex but the stepmother behaved badly too. I can't believe so many people think it's ok to treat kids like that. I bet if this were a reverse and the op had said 'I'm a stepmother who left my dsc on the doorstep and hid from them' they'd get a pasting.

asdasult · 18/10/2022 07:40

I agree @Quincythequince

I have ASD (see my used name). But my ex's wife doesn't know that. Nor does my OH ex.

If it happened as a one off drop the ball - I'd probably do it and suck it up. But it would really discombobulate me and I'd be off kilter for days. Because it was out of the routine.

Also, there are times when I NEED to be curtains shut doors closed and no one in the house (except my kids and my OH). I need that downtime. And if I'd planned a bath and chill once my dd was in bed and then two other kids turned up. I'd be off kilter. Stimming. And I'd struggle to keep it together.

Also. I work full time. Sunday night is my chill night. And it used to be (my kids are adult now) check the house is shipshape and do all the final get ready for the week tasks.

Why didn't the op ask her own partner to keep her kids rather than her ex's wife?

asdasult · 18/10/2022 07:42

*user

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 18/10/2022 07:42

tiredofthiisshit21 · 18/10/2022 07:09

And once again a step parenting thread goes batshit. All you ladies frothing at the mouth at the stepmum, I guarantee you're not stepmums yourself and have no experience whatsoever to base your very biased opinions on.

And all the 'is the children's house as well' comments - how do you know the details of their set up?

My house is exactly that - my house. I owned it before my husband came along, I extended it so that his kids could have bedrooms here when they stayed, but I own (and we have this in writing) 80% of it. Sure, it's their home on the days they stay here. But that doesn't give them unilateral access whenever they please without prior arrangement.

And that’s where you’re wrong. Plenty of us who disagree with the step mum here are step parents ourselves.

I’m unsure what your household ownership has to do with the children being welcomed? And the children needed access by ‘prior arrangement’ comment is particularly cold.