am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

I hope that those of you who say nothing to do with step mum are never in the position where your children have a step parent who treats them in this way - I'm sure if you were you would expect step parent to look after your children and support them as you would not make them unwelcome and say 'nothing to do with me'. These kinds of people give step parents a bad name.

Not ideal ex was working or whatever and yes he made arrangements but what sort of person would turn children away like this.

I can't believe the attitude of people like you. Why should she take in the kids without prior agreement? Why is it her fault? Clearly the difficulty is between the Mum & Dad.

Awful, I would have just kept banging on the door or pretend to drive away with the kids on doorstep.

What a nasty woman!

Really? That’s not very mummy bear cub behaviour, is it? Leaving your kids upset whilst you ‘pretend’ to drive away or banging on the door? I don’t think a bear would do that.

Why should op miss out on her shift! She has to make a stand. I’m sure the dad wouldn’t forget again and the step mum would be forced to open the door wouldn’t she.

On MN the answer will always be ‘not her kids / not her problem’.

Whereas in real life, most reasonable people with any decency would have helped you out. As you say, your kids are her daughter’s half siblings. I just find the fact that she couldn’t be arsed so lazy and obdurate. I’d help out a stranger if I was able so find it v odd when folk behave in this way: Some people are simply arses, OP 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hmm, fairly sure we heard the ex's side of this yesterday. Even the kids are the same age

You, along with the OP, have absolutely no idea what may have happened in the stepmum's life that day. Maybe she used tired as an excuse because she doesn't want her husband's ex to know something personal.

The fact is no one here knows if she's a cow, making a point because she's sick of being taken advantage of (by her husband) is ill, had received bad news, had a thoroughly shit day solo parenting her own (presumably young) child or a million other things that could have meant she wasn't in the right headspace to have her stepchildren on zero notice.

It's all so black and white to some people on here. Stepparenting is anything but.

Because , for the simple of thinking, she is the step parent. Not a random.stranger. she is part of the family however much she wants to erase the fact and build a new family of her own with the man.

The kids see it all, it hurts them to not be allowed into their home, and the SM here could not give two fucks. Honestly, it is reprehensible. If I knew a friend (man or wom an).do this as a step parent I would cut them off. It really shows them up to be a deeply unpleasant person.

This is like those Am I The Asshole threads on Reddit where someone says 'Was I the asshole to refuse this? It's not MY responsibility'.
Well no, technically speaking. Its not. But we do live in this thing called a society and if you're only ever going to fulfil the absolute letter of your responsibilities you better be damn sure you never need a favour from anyone. OP it's technically your ex's fault but she should have done the decent thing.

You should have confirmed

She had no obligation (she may not have been in. Just because her car was there ..she could have been at the neighbours having coffee)

This is a you and ex problem. Not his partners

She doesn’t sound as if she makes the kids very welcome. I suppose she is showing you who she is OP.

Maybe she was a mumsnetter where no one ever answers the door.

I think he owes you the money you lost for the shift you had to cancel. I'm also angry for your kids. ExH could've messaged new W to say he forgot he agreed to take them and that they were spending the night (or whatever the arrangement was to be). New wife should've welcomed DC into the home. She could've discussed it with H another time. But, honestly, what a shite b to refuse the children and force you to lose work.

This would have been a much better way of dealing with it OP instead of your embarrassing sense of entitlement

Why should op miss out on her shift! She has to make a stand. I’m sure the dad wouldn’t forget again and the step mum would be forced to open the door wouldn’t she.

The irony of thinking OP "has to make a stand" about the unacceptableness of her ex forgetting his plans, but bring totally blind the the SMS need to do the same thing.

You have no idea what goes on in their house and YABU to expect her to drip everything for YOUR kids, not hers, not her responsibility.
DH’s ex used to try this, though never for work reasons, she avoids that!

Thankyou for your very biased comment with experience from only one side of the situation, presented as fact.

There was another thread like this a whole
bacK from step mums perspective

I would have double checked the day before to finalise arrangements. I do that with anything that isn't a regular occurrence.

You may not want to talk to him but you were asking your ex for a favour.

Also you mentioned your own DP. Could he not have looked after your DC on your night?

And once again it's the kids that suffer..........

OP should miss her shift because they’re her children, it was her allocated time to have them, and it was her mistake not to conform the arrangement she’d made a week ago with the person who had agreed to look after her children.

It’s not like OP had a family emergency or something urgent going on. She’d booked a shift at work without confirming her childcare. Her kids dad forgot but that doesn’t automatically make his wife default childcare.

Their mother is also an idiot, she asked once and had no follow up conversation about arrangements because she doesn’t like him. It’s the parent’s fault that those kids were on the doorstep with nowhere to go but that’s not the narrative which will likely be shared with them judging by this thread. ‘Wicked stepmother doesn’t like you and left you vulnerable on the doorstep’ is what’s being peddled here so maybe also being peddled with the kids, rather than ‘there was a mix up and stepmum wasn’t able to have you tonight’.

Step mum ought to run a mile from these two.

(and I say this as a step mum with a really positive relationship to, now, adult children who still come to me with celebrations or bad news or for advice all the time)

It's not her job to look after your kids at any time. It's your exs job. He is clearly the feckless father here.

There was one yesterday morning, an exact reverse of this scenario