am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

All SM has done is leave them with a parent. One of their own parents. Why is that so terrible?

Perhaps you should think about the mental impact on the children resulting from them being turned away unwanted from a place that is meant to be their home??

I don’t think there’s enough information to cast judgment on this particular Step Mum.

But this thread is an interesting study of what women feel the role of a SM actually is. The conclusion I’m drawing is that there’s no right answer.

I think it comes down to personality, the meaning of family to you, your level of feminist beliefs, whether you’ve seen the women before you being treated badly and being miserable or doted on and loved by all.. all sorts of things.

I’m picture this step-mum looking forward to finally sinking into a hot bath and having a quiet Sunday evening to herself, after a hectic week working, doing housework, life admin and looking after a small child, who will soon be tucked up in bed.. then this happens 😂

And if only more parents thought like this and actually lived by it, far fewer childrem would be exposedto such toxicity.

This sounds awful. The stepmum may or may not off had valid reasons not to take the children in, however, it doesn't negate how the children may have felt. This type of thing can stay with you for life. I don't think I would feel comfortable with send my children over again - I wouldn't be able to trust her. The dad has let down his children - I cannot believe he thinks this is okay to treat his children in this way.

This reaction of a step parent having no connection to or responsibility for the children seems to be pretty common on MN. I find it quite sad. I don't have SC but have friends and family that do and they all are involved in their SC's lives and coparent. I cannot fathom how this "they are nothing to do with me" attitude would be sustainable on a day to day basis. It must be pretty chilly if not downright unpleasant to grow up in that environment.

IMO it was pretty sh*y to not allow her SC in. The ex is at fault too obvs. Those kids must be feeling like 2nd class citizens compared to their SS.

When did we become so selfish and unpleasant?

Or, perhaps some people aren't so wrapped up in themselves that they believe you should not do something that will most likely be psychologically damaging to a child just because you want a lazy bath etc. And that if those are your priorities and you can't understand that children come first you definitely shouldn't be getting into a relationship with somebody with children, or having children of your own for that matter! Let alone subjecting kids to a blended family situation they didn't ask for where the siblings are treated in a different way.

I honestly don’t think it would be that traumatising to pull up in the car, be told one of the parents had got it wrong and drive home again because mum wasn’t going to do overtime now, change of plans. Cheery drive home to do something else. Private text expressing disappointment to ex and asking to rearrange.

OP has lost the chance of money and had to let down her employer so is right to be pissed off, but is aiming it at the wrong person.

Yes, exactly! Some people believe that and others don’t. Like with lots of topics! 😮

I'm a stepmum (and a stepchild) and I would have had our DSDs.

But it's easy for me to say that. Because DH is a good parent, who always involves me in decisions, never shirks his responsibilities, and doesn't treat me like an unpaid nanny.

The scenario above is highly unlikely to happen, because I simply cannot imagine him forgetting his children.

And if it did happen it would be a genuine accidental one-off fuck up, and of course I'd then step in to help with a proper mistake. (Not least because he'd ask me, not just have their mum turning up unexpectedly and bashing on my doors and ringing me).

HOWEVER, if I was married to shit dad (which it sounds like OPs ex is), then I wouldn't be nearly so accommodating.

For instance, if DH was forever expecting me to do HIS childcare, and didn't involve me in discussions, and didn't do enough parenting of our shared child etc etc - then I can quite imagine this being the last straw and refusing to come to the door and pick up the pieces again.

There is another thread where some CF dad has agreed to have the kids for the whole half term week, without telling his wife (stepmum), and is not booking any annual leave and expecting her to cancel all her plans and have the kids. On her first week of annual leave in AGES. Quite rightly, everyone is telling her to put her foot down and refuse to have them.

When mums (not stepmums) post in AIBU or relationships about their shit husbands refusing to pull their weight - they are told to refuse to pick up after them, to book a hotel for the weekend, and oftentimes to LTB.

Why is it that a mum is advised to book a hotel and force the husband to do childcare, but a stepmum cannot take similar steps to stop her husband taking the absolute piss.

I strongly suspect that her husband asked her and she already said no (otherwise why wouldn't she have come to the door), and he didn't tell OP assuming that SM would be forced to pick up the slack when they turned up.

TBH I think turning up when you knew your husband was at work was outrageous anyway. Why on Earth would you rock up at a woman's house unannounced expecting her to do your childcare?

At most, you should have texted her saying: "I'm really sorry, ExH has forgotten to have the kids, I've got a work shift, is there absolutely any way you can do me a MASSIVE FAVOUR and have them. I know it's not your responsibility but it would be such a help".

Perhaps if you treated her with a modicum of respect by sending something like the above she would have said yes. But it also would have given her the opportunity to decline if it didn't work for her without involving the kids.

You put them in a shitty situation and you put her in a shitty situation.

The ex is clearly the villain of the piece, but you've added to all the drama, with your entitlement to another woman's time.

@OnceUponAThread

👏

You and your ex need to force yourselves to communicate more effectively and efficiently so these instances don't occur again. I get you both want to get away with the minimum you can, and only in relation to joint DC, but this could have been easily avoided if you both made yourselves better communicators.

The Step-Mum is a red herring to the real issue of you and your ex trying to parent your DC's in 2 homes, on bare bones communication because you both feel uncomfortable.

Not only would I let SC into what is after all THEIR OWN HOUSE but I would equally let in my ex’s kids if they had been subject to some mess up by their parents. Even though I have no time at all for my ex, it’s not the kids fault.

I cannot believe how mean some people are.

Imagine the scene when the Dad gets home, with his wife having turned his kids away. Not a partner who can be relied on there, for either of them. Absolute mess from all the adults involved in these poor children's lives.

Where's his accountability? Surely if that's her attitude then HE shouldn't get with HER?! How's it STILL more the woman's responsibility to provide a loving home than the father's?! He's the one with kids - shouldn't it be his duty to choose a suitable step-mother for them rather than yet another thing that is this unrelated woman's fault?

Let's be clear - it is their father that is subjecting these children to this situation. Even if you believe that this woman is the pits, their father married her and he is the one responsible for blending their families and exposing his children to her. Why is she to blame? How come his desire for a relationship doesn't need to be tempered by the need to find a partner who will welcome his kids as her own, but she should have predicted that this would be an issue and steered clear of him??

Even if you believe that this woman is the pits, their father married her and he is the one responsible for blending their families and exposing his children to her. Why is she to blame?

Because she is a fully grown adult responsible for her own behaviour. If her husband’s expectations are too much then she should say so and, if he doesn’t respect her boundaries, walk away from the relationship. To refuse to answer your door to let in the children who live in your house is bloody appalling. And any stepfather who did that would get absolutely shredded on here.

But your ex did do that — he wasn’t even there. How well do you know the step-mother? Would you have been happy leaving your DCs with her? Arrangements like this need to be confirmed and reminded.

And he is a fully grown adult who has chosen to live with someone who would do that to his kids. Why isn't it his responsibly to walk away from the relationship to protect them from her?

I absolutely think she was being unreasonable. If you are with somebody who has kids, you also take on their kids. That means being a parent to them in the same way you are to your own kids (as much as they'll allow). I've grown up with a stepdad who has always treated me as his own, him and my Dad gave me away at my wedding etc. I also have my fathers ex (sisters mum 7yr old) who is an absolute horror of a human and had me crying at my father's 50th (I'm 33!) because she made me feel so excluded. So ive seen both types of step parent.
I'm with my DH who is the father of my DC but if I wasn't, I cant imagine wanting to be with someone who would turn my children away on the doorstep. I'd want a partner who would invite them in, be a parent to them and love them the same way I would (or as close to as poss).
The people on here saying not her kids, not her problem are, IMHO, nuts! You marry somebody with kids, you take on those kids. End of.

I think it’s even shittier that these children were forgotten about by their father

SM had plans. We don’t get to judge what they were

Yanbu
they are kids and she is their stepmum not a random girlfriend of their dad’s . Imagine feeling unwanted ( I know you managed it so that they didn’t but she didn’t ) . I would be reluctant to send my kids there again but maybe she would prefer that. Technically she doesn’t have responsibility but I just wouldn’t do that to children who are part of your family .
Also, not answering the door, really?

They are not her kids, she was not aware you were working, she may have been doing something, YABU, your Ex is the only one to blame here.

I hope those of you that say norh

😂

Came on to answer this ever so kind comment but I see that@whumpthereitis and @BadNomad have already explained my point to you brilliantly.