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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 23:32

BadNomad · 17/10/2022 22:53

It's not nonsense. When you marry a man with kids, you marry the man. There is absolutely zero obligation to have anything to do with the children. Some wives will treat them as their own. Some will treat them well. Some will treat them as their husband's kids. Some won't have anything to do with them. All are equally legal options.

If the father wants his wife to treat his children like her own, then he needs to find a wife who will treat his children like her own. It isn't a thing that happens automatically on marriage.

Show quote history

You know what? You're right. I have to agree with you that the primary responsibility for choosing a partner who loves your kids and doesn't just tolerate them rests primarily on the partner with the kids. 100% agree.

That said it is the children who suffer from having a step-parent that merely tolerates them and is prepared to do things like leave them outside.

I also think it's selfish if you know you really only can tolerate the kids some of the time. It's a horrible feeling for the children, who do not choose their parent's partners or the shitty divorce situation.

But essentially you're right, technically speaking.

But I still think, don't moan after walking in to such a relationship with your eyes open.

Sandra1984 · 17/10/2022 23:32

I believe it’s not the stepmother responsibility to take those kids and she may have done the right thing, HOWEVER problem is those Two kids are people too. Once the OP tells them their stepmom wants little to do with them they’re going to grow a big dislike for stepmother (and I don’t blame them). The message here is: if you don’t want your step children to
hate you treat them nicely, that includes welcoming them when some schedule mess up happens. Children are not props.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 17/10/2022 23:33

The fathers house is the step children's house too is it not? They should be welcomed. How sad for them. Their dad is an idiot but I think leaving them on the doorstep was unnecessary. If my partner treated my children like that they'd be out the door.

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:33

@SudocremOnEverything she only knew after knocking as she then tried to call him so they were already on the doorstep

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:36

@whumpthereitis and your telling people also how you think it should work , whats the difference
You think one wag , I think another doesn't make you right and me wrong or the other way

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 23:37

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 17/10/2022 23:33

The fathers house is the step children's house too is it not? They should be welcomed. How sad for them. Their dad is an idiot but I think leaving them on the doorstep was unnecessary. If my partner treated my children like that they'd be out the door.

You can bet if that was the scenario presented here and the man left them on the doorstep, it would be LTB.

BadNomad · 17/10/2022 23:38

They weren't "left on the doorstep". They were with their mother, who then took them home with her because daddy was working. Daddy who didn't even have the decency to ask/discuss/tell his wife/partner/teammate that the children would be coming. He just decided he'd do it. And then forgot. But she's the cunt for not being a good teammate?

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:39

@DysonSpheres very much so
Its not about a step mum being a unpaid babysitter all the time or left to do all childcare its about this scenario and assuming its a one off

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:40

@BadNomad how do we know he hadn't told her when Op asked a week ago and that they both had forgotten
Op doesn't give that much detail to say one way or the other

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2022 23:42

chickchickpox · 17/10/2022 22:24

And yes I would message her if I was you and let her know of your disappointment. You don't have to be harsh but just be honest and obviously say how you know the blame lies with ex but as a step mum you couldn't understand why she would turn her stepchildren away.

This is really not going to do OP or her kids
any favours, how do you honestly think she's going to react to being told off in this way?

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 23:42

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:33

@SudocremOnEverything she only knew after knocking as she then tried to call him so they were already on the doorstep

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

On doorstep. No answer.

Calls children’s father. Isn’t answering. Gets what is possibly a text (or a rushed answered call). He’s at work. The useless arse tries to blame her for not reminding him.

At this point, the children’s mother could have packed the kids back up with a ‘silly daddy’ (and fumed silently). But no.

She sees the ex’s wife’s car is there and the lights are on. So she decides the wife will have the kids for her. Knocks again. Rings her. Gets no answer. Keeps going until the wife answers the door and tells the children’s that she knows nothing about this and isn’t going to be providing childcare.

The bit where the children might feel rejected comes because the OP, knowing her ex has let her down, decided she was going to make his wife do it. And not to get the message when her knocks (she’d already knocked up learn the ex wasn’t in - so this is all follow up) and phone calls were not answered.

So, yes, it is the OP’s fault entirely that her children were on the doorstep like this. She was with them, eager to pass them over for childcare. And feeling absolutely entitled to that childcare.

if the children are upset, it’s because both their parents let them down here.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/10/2022 23:43

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:24

I definitely am mad at him but she was literally there and refused to let them in who does that. My partner would never do that. He might be annoyed at me but he'd not refuse to let the kids in!

Show quote history

Why didn't your partner look after them then?

BadNomad · 17/10/2022 23:43

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:40

@BadNomad how do we know he hadn't told her when Op asked a week ago and that they both had forgotten
Op doesn't give that much detail to say one way or the other

I'm going by the OP saying.

when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything

If he had told her, I'm sure she would have remembered at that point.

whumpthereitis · 17/10/2022 23:44

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:36

@whumpthereitis and your telling people also how you think it should work , whats the difference
You think one wag , I think another doesn't make you right and me wrong or the other way

Quite the opposite actually. I’m not telling anyone how they should run their families. It’s not my place too, no one would be obliged to listen, and it would require a level of care on my part that I’m just not inclined to muster. My opinion is only of consequence in regards to my own family, how anyone else runs theirs is up to them.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 23:44

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2022 23:42

This is really not going to do OP or her kids
any favours, how do you honestly think she's going to react to being told off in this way?

Show quote history

If she’s got any sense, she will reply with a message telling the OP to stop harassing her and then block her.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 17/10/2022 23:44

Yabvu your childcare issue is nothing to do with her. Blame your ex. She is stepmum not a backup babysitter.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 17/10/2022 23:46

If my partners ex knocked my door one evening suddenly wanting me to babysit I'd ignore the door too.

PinkSyCo · 17/10/2022 23:50

Why are you laughing at the fact that she might have been tired OP? You are being bitchy unreasonable for that alone, and even more so for using your kids to try to pull on the heart strings, when her refusing to have them would only affect you and not them.

UneFoisAuChalet · 17/10/2022 23:50

Uh no, you are being very unreasonable OP.
The moment your ex replied saying ‘oops I forgot, I’m at work’ and clearly not planning to change his plans, you should have turned around and walked away.

SM could have been in the bath, curled up in a bed with a book, listening to a podcast whatever. Maybe she didn’t hear the door or her phone, maybe she did and ignored it thinking it was the pesky NDN wanting to borrow sugar. Maybe she was ignoring the calls because she was trying to put her baby to sleep.
It doesn’t really matter why she didn’t respond to the door and phone, bottom line, neither of them where expecting you or your/his children. Your ex wasn’t coming home, you didn’t want to give up your extra shift, so why is it down to her to take care of your children? If ex didn’t have a partner you would have left pronto.

I’m mortified that you stood on her doorstep, ringing and knocking - take a hint. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing.

Frezia · 17/10/2022 23:52

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 17/10/2022 23:02

I’m with you OP. Although it’s not the partners responsibility Id do this for a friend if I was at home anyway. Id definitely do this for my husband if he’d made a mistake and if I had a connection with the kids I’d totally do it for them. What a rejection for the kids from their step mum too! Is she usually this unwelcoming to them?

This.

Bpdqueen · 17/10/2022 23:57

Yanbu it's the kids house to she can't just not let them in their own home

AiryFairyLights · 18/10/2022 00:01

FannyFifer · 17/10/2022 19:24

Nothing to do with the wife whatsoever. They are not her kids.

If they weren’t married I’d agree, but they are married so she is officially their step parent and should have had them and been pissed at her husband!
@ooominn Yanbu

StarfishBrain · 18/10/2022 00:02

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2022 20:20

YABU, she has every right to establish her boundaries with her DH "forgetting" and leaving her to deal with these situations, and it sounds like it is necessary for her to do so. I'd have done the same in her shoes.

Really hope you have no children or step children. It's disgusting behaviour.

StarfishBrain · 18/10/2022 00:04

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:22

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme

She married a person with kids then she needs to accept that sometimes she has to step in and help out even if it’s through gritted teeth.

But she doesn’t have to, does she? Because she didn’t step in and nothing bad happened to her. She didn’t get swallowed by the ground. At the most she probably regrets having children with a man who forgets his own kids.

No she doesn't have to. She can just make children feel rejected from their own home, and alienated from their sibling who is treated differently to them in that home: they are allowed in when these siblings are not.

That won't do any damage to them, I'm sure.

StarfishBrain · 18/10/2022 00:05

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 17/10/2022 20:24

I’m utterly amazed by the amount of ‘not her problem’ responses on here. The second she decided to marry the childrens dad then she became a step-parent.
She wasn’t at fault, I agree. He was at fault, definitely. However - who the fuck would turn their step children away from the door? The second she did that she became as irresponsible as him.

Exactly.