Page 17 | am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

ooominn · 2022-10-17T18:22:01+00:00

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it. I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it. Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him. His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them. I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues. I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up?? WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night. My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

Insideallday · 17/10/2022 22:58

I suppose I’d be annoyed if I had to cancel work but it’s all your ex’s fault and it fell on you. He said his partner was tired but maybe she had something more going on yesterday?

This all lies with your ex. Save your annoyance for him.

Insideallday · 17/10/2022 22:59

I mean ‘something more going on’ she had some personal issue that she did not want to share

Dollyparton3 · 17/10/2022 23:01

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 22:40

@Dollyparton3 but is it bot their dads home as well ? So therefore a kid should feel its also their home
You have a choice as an adult go marry someone without kids or with , a child doesn't get that choice
If a regular thing then yes don't help if a one off would you not help out your dh
Also you would need a roof over your head regardless of kids or not , if you need a bigger house because of kids again you know that before hand

It is their dads home but the ex insisted during divorce in order to max maintenance that the kids were only allowed 2 overnight stays a fortnight. I make that 15% their "home" and 85% not.

In answer to your next question yes we do have to fund a home big enough to house 2 extra bedrooms 15% of the year + maintenance ++ to assist in funding the children in their original home 85% of the year. Not a biggie.

I draw the line at the ex and Mumsnet dictating when they decide that the "kids home" is at their beck and call above the 85% of the time that they have no say over though.

Readaboutyourself · 17/10/2022 23:02

Poor kids. Forgetful and thoughtless fathers are hard when growing up. I expect many disappointments lie ahead.

Certainly not the step mum’s fault and she’s entitled to an early night without extra child care duties.

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 17/10/2022 23:02

I’m with you OP. Although it’s not the partners responsibility Id do this for a friend if I was at home anyway. Id definitely do this for my husband if he’d made a mistake and if I had a connection with the kids I’d totally do it for them. What a rejection for the kids from their step mum too! Is she usually this unwelcoming to them?

MarigoldPetals · 17/10/2022 23:03

Why can’t people just be kind nowadays and think of others before themselves? It’s such a horrid world we live in now.

Fraaahnces · 17/10/2022 23:04

You don’t know what state the sm was in. There is a very good chance that she rang him at work to ask why his ex and kids were in her doorstep to be told that he “forgot” to mention this to her. “Oh, I promised @ooominn I’d have the kids tonight, but I forgot to mention this when I told you I was working. You’ll have to step up for me (again).” I can assume that this would have kicked off an argument which ended with “Forgetting about them then dumping them on me is a shitty and disrespectful to all of us! Like hell I will look after them tonight! Look after your own damn kids!” I can imagine that she’s pretty upset at being put in this position. If she had opened the door and told @ooominn that nobody had asked her, @ooominn would have kicked off too. She was probably trying to avoid that kind of scene.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2022 23:05

LemonDrop22 · 17/10/2022 19:26

Some of us wouldn't treat a neighbour or acquaintance like that, let alone our partners kids.

Some of the people on this site ......

Wtaf.

Show quote history

This.

If the children live (even part time) in your home, why the hell wouldn't you let them in?

If that's the attitude then you absolutely shouldn't get with someone who already has children.

TugboatAnnie · 17/10/2022 23:06

Fraaahnces · 17/10/2022 23:04

You don’t know what state the sm was in. There is a very good chance that she rang him at work to ask why his ex and kids were in her doorstep to be told that he “forgot” to mention this to her. “Oh, I promised @ooominn I’d have the kids tonight, but I forgot to mention this when I told you I was working. You’ll have to step up for me (again).” I can assume that this would have kicked off an argument which ended with “Forgetting about them then dumping them on me is a shitty and disrespectful to all of us! Like hell I will look after them tonight! Look after your own damn kids!” I can imagine that she’s pretty upset at being put in this position. If she had opened the door and told @ooominn that nobody had asked her, @ooominn would have kicked off too. She was probably trying to avoid that kind of scene.

Agree. And this got translated as 'tired'.

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 23:08

whumpthereitis · 17/10/2022 22:55

I don’t think anyone marries someone with kids thinking they won’t have an impact on the relationship, but they absolutely can marry someone with kids and be clear about the fact that they’re not going to take on responsibility for said kids.

You can obviously think what you like about how step families ‘should’ work, but that has no bearing whatsoever on how step families actually work. And they indeed work in many different ways. You can dictate to people all you like, but strangely enough they in fact have to listen and then all that’s left for you to do is sit and seethe about it.

oh well.

Show quote history

Again. So what do you do in the event that Dad suddenly must have the children full time.

Suddenly turn into mother of the year having had no practice?

youlightupmyday · 17/10/2022 23:10

No-one seems to see the conflict between the very popular "LTB, you are unhappy" and then the very real possible outcome of the children will be treated as major inconveniences by step parents.

The lack of kindness and sheer selfishness of some adults is absolutely shocking. The kids come first. They did not ask for any of it and are bloody helpless. Not answering the door is disgusting. I wouldn't treat the kids of anyone I know like that.

The more I think about my kids' step parents, the luckier I realise we are. Adults are wankers.

whumpthereitis · 17/10/2022 23:10

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 23:08

Again. So what do you do in the event that Dad suddenly must have the children full time.

Suddenly turn into mother of the year having had no practice?

Show quote history

Figure it out when if it happens, presumably.

Doesn’t require stepping into the role of mother though, or taking on responsibility for them.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/10/2022 23:10

People are making out this wicked stepmother left the kids on the doorstep in the cold. They went home with their mother because her childcare fell through. It’s not that bad. You have no idea what was going on behind closed doors when you knocked. She could be feeling unwell, she may have been on the phone. They could have had a row. Being tired is just a generic excuse, she doesn’t have to inform her husbands ex-partner of her reasons. Like someone else said, there were three adults in this scenario, why should the one who isn’t responsible for the kids have to change their plans? At the end of the day, a Mum had to look after her own children. If you don’t speak that often with your ex, maybe it would have been a good idea to remind him of the plans. All these people saying ‘you take on the kids when you marry a man’. I honestly think that’s the ideal, but it’s far from the norm.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 23:11

MarigoldPetals · 17/10/2022 23:03

Why can’t people just be kind nowadays and think of others before themselves? It’s such a horrid world we live in now.

Is this advice for the OP, who has been anything but kind to or considerate of her ex’s wife?

Liorae · 17/10/2022 23:13

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:54

It's not actually. The bar for step dads is often pretty low. Just do a bit of washing every now and again, have fun with the kids, anything and they are AMAZING TREATS THEM LIKE THEIR OWN. Step mum's must be 100% perfect.

Show quote history

It's about as much as an awful lot of birth dads.

PumpkinDart · 17/10/2022 23:13

Uh their dad's an arse forgetting something, surely he should have left work as soon as he realised he'd cocked up. It's not on the step mum and I'd be royally pissed off to have the hassle of my partner's ex at my door unexpectedly on a Sunday night but there's also absolutely no way would I have refused to have my SS.

Wombat100 · 17/10/2022 23:14

NorthernLights5 · 17/10/2022 22:46

To all those who say she married a man with kids and so should suck it up, I bet none would agree she can discipline them or make decisions on their behalf over one of the real parents but shes fine as a skivvy? Fucking ridiculous.
Such a weird attitude! My son's stepmum (although not married to his dad but still calls herself that/we call her that) is certainly no "skivvy" and I'm happy for her to discipline my son as needed. No different to my partner doing the same.

We all go to parents evening etc together without issue.

His dad actually cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and we split when he was 3 weeks old as that's when I found out but we're all adult enough to put the children first. Such a strange comment.

You’re the exception rather than the rule I’m afraid. A lot of people can’t behave like adults.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 23:15

Or is it the standard shouting ‘be kind’ as a synonym for ‘do what I want or I’ll claim you’re awful’?

The last few years have made me pretty sure that the concept of ‘kindness’ is hugely problematic and often deeply misogynistic.

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 23:16

Putting children first is and not leaving them on the doorstep is not 'be kind'

It's 'be decent'

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:16

@whumpthereitis I am not seething I am still with my kids dad so no step parents around to be concerned about
But I wouldn't marry a man who doesn't take responsibility for his kids in the first place.
If a one off and he messed up I would help out as thats how marriage works to me , your a team.
And yes its the internet so i can have an opinion.
I think if the story is as implied a one off , then I don't see the issue.
But who would marry a man and have zero to do with their kids ( if young ) would you expect none of their time to be spent on kids , that your finances as a couple won't be affected
Its impossible to marry someone with parental responsibility and it have zero impact.
Also there is a slim chance a child may want to live with dad full time, anything is possible

marvellousmaple · 17/10/2022 23:18

drpet49 · 17/10/2022 19:45

Completely agree.

Show quote history

Agree too.

OppsUpsSide · 17/10/2022 23:21

YANBU, she married him, he messes up arrangements she should back him up. Presumably she knew he had kids when they got married.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 23:22

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 23:16

Putting children first is and not leaving them on the doorstep is not 'be kind'

It's 'be decent'

But their mother knew their father wasn’t in. She put them on the doorstep and created the scene by knocking and calling repeatedly.

whumpthereitis · 17/10/2022 23:23

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 23:16

@whumpthereitis I am not seething I am still with my kids dad so no step parents around to be concerned about
But I wouldn't marry a man who doesn't take responsibility for his kids in the first place.
If a one off and he messed up I would help out as thats how marriage works to me , your a team.
And yes its the internet so i can have an opinion.
I think if the story is as implied a one off , then I don't see the issue.
But who would marry a man and have zero to do with their kids ( if young ) would you expect none of their time to be spent on kids , that your finances as a couple won't be affected
Its impossible to marry someone with parental responsibility and it have zero impact.
Also there is a slim chance a child may want to live with dad full time, anything is possible

My point is that you’re telling people how stepparents should behave, but…they don’t have to behave to your liking. You can’t force anyone to, all you can do is get outraged about it on the internet 🤷🏻‍♀️

’working together as a team’ doesn’t mean ‘available for childcare’, or that you’re always going to be able or willing to fix your partner’s fuck up.

Not providing emergency childcare does not mean someone has zero to do with their partner’s kids. It’s not a case of if someone doesn’t do everything, then they do nothing. Stepmother’s will of course be impacted by their partner’s kids, but they can indeed say ‘no’ when asked to take on responsibilities for them. As this one did.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2022 23:24

*So what do you do in the event that Dad suddenly must have the children full time.

Suddenly turn into mother of the year having had no practice?*

Then coming to live with their dad full time still wouldn't make his wife their mother, so no.