am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

More importantly, why do women procreate with men of who they think so little?

They can marry who they want. It's down to the parents to decide who they bring into their children's lives. So if SM is a cunt, whose fault is that she's their SM?

@blackberrybat

Great post.
Could even add in:

In the mean time and without OP even knowing DH rings and asks his wife if she could look after them for a little bit because he's cooked up but she is under no obligation. And maybe offer to get a takeaway to say thanks.

@Dollyparton3 but is it bot their dads home as well ? So therefore a kid should feel its also their home
You have a choice as an adult go marry someone without kids or with , a child doesn't get that choice
If a regular thing then yes don't help if a one off would you not help out your dh
Also you would need a roof over your head regardless of kids or not , if you need a bigger house because of kids again you know that before hand

@Liorae thats the thing isn't it , it shows you what they could be like later
How a man is with his current kids gives you a great insight of what he would be like with any joint kids

Yep - this. Be angry with your ex, not his wife for not providing child care on demand

someone of these replies just make me laugh! There was a post not so long back where a step dad was absolutely slated for not Doing A school run one morning I think it was. What’s the difference? If you get with someone with children, especially marry someone, surely you know there will be a time when you will need to put some level of effort in with said children when either one of their parents aren’t there

Except that no one mistakes MIL for having the kind of responsibilities towards and relationship with as mother. Do they? If people kept insisting you must treat her like your own mum, you can bet the term husband’s mother would replace MIL.

A wife is not an extension of her husband. If he can’t rearrange contact or organise childcare , then they need to make their plans accordingly. They aren’t asking the ex for anything. He is. They are trying to make plans. But he needs to sort out his responsibilities. Just like ‘they’ do not file his tax return (should he have one), or book annual leave with his employer, or all the other things that are his responsibility.

I’d be willing to bet no one even asked the wife here. I doubt anyone said: please could you do me a huge favour? Just sheer entitlement and expectation that she must do it.

You keep saying the same nonsensical thing over and over. And might I suggest you find where the punctuation is on your keyboard. Your posts are making my head hurt.

To all those who say she married a man with kids and so should suck it up, I bet none would agree she can discipline them or make decisions on their behalf over one of the real parents but shes fine as a skivvy? Fucking ridiculous.
Such a weird attitude! My son's stepmum (although not married to his dad but still calls herself that/we call her that) is certainly no "skivvy" and I'm happy for her to discipline my son as needed. No different to my partner doing the same.

We all go to parents evening etc together without issue.

His dad actually cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and we split when he was 3 weeks old as that's when I found out but we're all adult enough to put the children first. Such a strange comment.

Nonsense.

There are consequences to whom you freely choose to marry.

Unless you're extremely naive marrying someone with (young kids especially) is always going to have challenges and shitty moments. You have shitty moments with your own kids let alone someone whom you didn't raise from the beginning.

I would not marry a man with children - and that has been a conscious choice - despite having them myself, because I know what comes with it and I don't want it. It requires a literal 'step up.' Forgive the pun.

But if I did go there, I wouldn't bleat about how tough it is afterwards and keep my step-kids on the doorstep.

Wonder why the OP didn't just get her partner look after them since "he would never say no" to that?

Strange to go to the effort of roping in dopey dad when there's a perfect solution right there.

@tiredofthiisshit21 don't read them then its simple.
And just because you don't agree, quite a few have the same opinion.
Im

@Thebestwaytoscareatory do you think maybe he was working as well so wasn't available

@Annon1234 the difference is he is a man , its expected a man steps up , acts like a dad but doesn't seem to work the other way.

I'd be very annoyed at both of them too. I don't subscribe to the opinion that they aren't her kids, so nothing to do with her. When you marry/commit to someone with kids, they become part of "your" family too - well, if you are half-decent human being anyway! Going forward I would be very worried to leave my kids we someone, who rather hide from them, than help out in a situation like this. Good luck, OP

I wouldn't bleat about how tough it is afterwards and how do you feel about a mum saying how tough being a mother is? Does she have to shut up and stop "bleating" too?

No, she was to tired to have them when the children’s mum and dad couldn’t get their shit together to make sure the kids were appropriately cared for and they just assumed she would fall in line.

Absolutely ‘poor kids’ but not because their step mum didn’t drop everything to enable shit parenting on the part of the actual parents seemingly because they don’t like eachother.

I’d have probably done it, but I’m a massive pushover and am often taken advantage of because of that, if someone else has better boundaries and self confidence, good on them I say.

Wouldn’t it be nice if between the the mother and father could coordinate care without unexpectedly leaving them with SM. It’s sucks for the kids and it sucks for the SM, but the fault lies with the parents.

it must really suck to be a stepmother, she seems to be general dogsbody whose plans can be hijacked without a second thought according to some.

It's not nonsense. When you marry a man with kids, you marry the man. There is absolutely zero obligation to have anything to do with the children. Some wives will treat them as their own. Some will treat them well. Some will treat them as their husband's kids. Some won't have anything to do with them. All are equally legal options.

If the father wants his wife to treat his children like her own, then he needs to find a wife who will treat his children like her own. It isn't a thing that happens automatically on marriage.

He was unreasonable to forget
she was unreasonable to ignore why just say sorry it’s not convenient I’m going out .
unless there is a back story that the op is always dropping the kids off then the step mother knows she’s unreasonable. I think it’s really horrible to ignore the door and phone when your sd are outside , I wouldn’t want to send my kids there if she can happily ignore for a supposedly arranged childcare with the dad . If she doesn’t want to do it when he’s not around that’s her prerogative but it needs to be clearly communicated.
op at least you know where you stand with her now she’s not interested in doing childcare .

It's not actually. The bar for step dads is often pretty low. Just do a bit of washing every now and again, have fun with the kids, anything and they are AMAZING TREATS THEM LIKE THEIR OWN. Step mum's must be 100% perfect.

I don’t think anyone marries someone with kids thinking they won’t have an impact on the relationship, but they absolutely can marry someone with kids and be clear about the fact that they’re not going to take on responsibility for said kids.

You can obviously think what you like about how step families ‘should’ work, but that has no bearing whatsoever on how step families actually work. And they indeed work in many different ways. You can dictate to people all you like, but strangely enough they in fact have to listen and then all that’s left for you to do is sit and seethe about it.

oh well.

I absolutely agree and think that SM mindset is appalling.

Both of them are arseholes. He’s an idiot and if he’s agreed to have his kids he shouldn’t need reminding! But as a stepmum myself I couldn’t imagine any world where I’d refuse to have my DSD or leave her on a doorstep!