am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

I get this too though, we co-parent (3 days one week and 4 days another and yes it is we - it’s a family an abnormal one but still a family) and have done for 3 years. His mum will ask me to throw his birthday party, take him to school introduction sessions, the dentist or whatever but when he said he wants to me to come with on his first day of school she flipped her shit. The boundaries of step parenting are non existent; dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t.

Im with you on this OP - she was out of order. Its not like you were going out on the piss or something!
Tell your ex he can give you the money you lost for the shift you couldnt do!

Yeah, to step in and babysit "because they married someone with dc." Yet expected to butt out of every other parental situation.

And yes I would message her if I was you and let her know of your disappointment. You don't have to be harsh but just be honest and obviously say how you know the blame lies with ex but as a step mum you couldn't understand why she would turn her stepchildren away.

No. I have never HAD to look after my stepchildren. Ever. I have looked after them. But it's always optional.

@SudocremOnEverything shes the step mum no need for childrens , fathers wife
The mum had work would it of hurt to help out when it was the dh who had fucked up
Not OP , Not SM but SM was the only one in the position to help out and it may of only been for an hour who knows as OP said the DH would be there for school run , maybe he was due home soon
As a one off it really wouldn't of hurt , if regular of her dh then she has bigger issues

Mums work is not her issue

Agree @LemonDrop22

what are you going on about?

That’s my question to those saying you can’t marry a man unless you are prepared to be a mother on tap to his kids. The new wife has married him. So what are people going to do about it? Nothing, right? So why keep saying she can’t marry him?

Yes he should do this. But SM is not in anyway responsible for mum being able to meet her work commitments.

@Rosewaterblossom well yes basically , I would expect a step mum to have a say and how her and her dh parent the kids and rules in their home
But no they dob't need to do parents evening if actual mum and dad can go
That said i have friends whose as step parents do go to parents evening if one or other can't make it , some who go in together and work as one large team also

Generally, children can’t go into ‘their own home’ unless they’re supervised by someone taking charge of them. She wasn’t willing to do last minute childcare, and that’s fair enough. His forgetfulness isn’t her responsibility and nor is it her problem to solve. Same as your work issues.

@Obki its a forum people post for opinions everyone knows they can't physically stop anyone , but they will post an opinion thats how it works
Anyone who marries someone with kids who thinks that will have no impact on their relationship at some point is on for a suprise

Well next time, either stick to the days and nights you're supposed to have them or have a go at your ex. Or ask a friend or other family member to care for them.

You have no right to have a go at her. She hadn't agreed, didn't know about it and it was a Sunday evening and she was probably relaxing and didn't want to sort out kids.

That's good. It's awful how alot of people expect step parents to only step.in when it involves free childcare yet expect said step parent to butt out in any other scenario.

I am truly baffled by the posters pinning blame on the SM here. These children have a mother and a father. Might I suggest that the mother and father take responsibility for caring for their children, rather than palming them off on the stepmother without even discussing it with her.

She refused to take in her husband’s children for the evening after he had promised you. Wow. She is cold hearted. Your children will always remember how she responded.

At what point in the wedding vows did she sign up to be responsible for facilitating her husband’s ex’s work?

A stepmum is the children’s father’s
wife. Stepmum is not a legal term. It’s just a way of referring to their father’s
wife. She’s no more his children’s mother than she is her mother in law’s daughter.

@AlbertaAnnie exactly don't think they understand forum and the internet

How it should have gone:

Knock knock
No answer
Ring ring
OP: Ex, I'm at your house and there's no answer, where are you?
Ex: Oh shit, sorry I forgot, you should have reminded me yada yada (NB: no mention or offer of his wife being willing and available to have the kids)
OP: ok kids, back in the car, silly daddy has got mixed up and gone to work by mistake (or other equally crap excuse)

Not:

Knock knock, ring ring, ex's wife where are you, answer the door/phone now so you can look after my children, knock knock ring ring etc

I feel for step parents. They have to take up the parents' slack/responsibilities because they married someone with kids but if they even try to parent those same kids they're seemingly responsible for, they're vilified.

They don't have to shit, provided they don't decide to marry a man with kids.

Keep him on the doorstep.

No problemo

Ex should have left work to come and have them as he agreed, and cancelled his shift. He could have spoke to his wife to ask her to watch them until he got back.

But I don't think she's BU to say no.

@SudocremOnEverything its a damn sight easier saying step mum isn't it , like mil , biil
When you get married do you not become a team and help each other out and yes she was helping out her dh as he had said yes and forgot
Maybe next time they want to swap a weekend , Op refuses and then that messes up both plans if say its a no kids thing or the step mums family and his kids not invited
If it was a one off would it really of hurt to help out until her dh came home, he hadn't left the country
When you marry someone with kids your not first priority

Stepmum here with no kids of my own but a very high maintenance job. My DH has very often over the years had the kids dropped on him at short notice (not saying that this was the case in these circumstances) and every time he's called upon his parents to help out with lifts or childcare. I'm not a blood relative, I do my bit but sometimes I'm exhausted from work or just sometimes recognised as a non blood relative who didn't birth the children.

Some stepmums pull their weight in other ways than last reserve childcare. Such as keeping a roof over the " 2nd home" that some women on this thread think that the children are entitled to waft in and out of if it suits them.