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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
Rosewaterblossom · 17/10/2022 22:03

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/10/2022 21:58

Now don't.

But we do expect that if they love their husband, they should at least be prepared to be kind and welcoming to his children.of his previous marriage. As a PP has said - you would babysit for a neighbour in an emergency if necessary. These children are more than just neighbours.

She could have taken them indoors, made them welcome, stuck them in front of the telly/ given them a jigsaw/ whatever, depending on the time, and then BOTH of these women should have given the OP's ex hell for landing them in this situation.

She was being spiteful.

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Does that notion stretch to the step parent attending parents evenings, disciplining them, having an opinion on how they're raised?

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:03

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/10/2022 22:02

Not without an adult to ensure their safety, they can't.

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Why isn't OP livid with her partner for not looking after them then?

ElectedOnThursday · 17/10/2022 22:04

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:42

Or maybe her bullshit tolerance is lower than OP’s. I think the dad sounds like a dickhead, but even dickhead men often stay with women who don’t put up with their shit and leave the women who do.

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Same thing really

Mamai90 · 17/10/2022 22:04

I voted YABU as its his fault. But I think it was a shit thing for her to do. And if I was your ex I wouldn't be too happy at my wife ignoring my young kids when they were standing at the door. I think it was mean of her to ignore them while they were standing there. However, YABU for blaming her for his fuck up but YANBU for thinking she's a twat.

Obki · 17/10/2022 22:05

pollykitty · 17/10/2022 21:51

Nope, not having it You are very very very very very very wrong. a stepmum IS morally responsible for her partner's kids.
Biologically -- obviously no
Legally -- probably not
Morally - YES
Ethically - YES
Otherwise, don't marry a partner with kids.

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Well, she did marry him. What are you going to do? Forcibly divorce her from him?

Obki · 17/10/2022 22:07

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 21:52

But their father was not there.

if I’m not in, my kids cannot be in our house. Unless I have arranged a babysitter. It’s still their home but they must be looked after. So if I’m not there, they can’t be there.

People really do just think stepmothers are nanny/housekeepers for the children’s parents. Don’t they?

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They do, sadly.

StripeyMow · 17/10/2022 22:08

YANBU. It’s a difficult one. It’s his fault, shoddy father it’s not your responsibility to remind
him of his. But she has married a man knowing he has children and in turn she would become step mother to them. At the end of the day those poor kids were let down. An absent father, upset mother and their so called step mother inside with their sister refusing to even come to the door. She should have taken them in, then given him hell too.

DeoForty · 17/10/2022 22:08

I don't think YABU. Your kids are old enough to know what went on too, which is worse. As a stepmum, I wouldn't like it. I would be annoyed but I'd never want my step kids to feel unwelcome or unwanted in our home.

FrippEnos · 17/10/2022 22:09

I voted YABU.

You say that you don't have form for this (I have no reason not to believe you) But I am willing to bet a penny to a pinch of snot that this isn't the first time that he has done this to his wife.

She hasn't come across well in this but she has set boundaries that will be hard for him to cross again.

AlbertaAnnie · 17/10/2022 22:09

It wasn’t on demand. It was pre arranged - as said they should both be pissed off at the kids dad - however in this situation the kids feelings of being welcome on their other home should be priority….too much emphasis on who’s to blame not enough on just making sure the kids are treated as family, which they are if they are bio or step….

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 22:10

Honestly, the number of women here calling this poor woman all the names under the sun just for having some boundaries and not letting her useless husband and his ex walk all over her and assume she's the unpaid nanny. Bitch, cow, cunt.....you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

MrsMorrisey · 17/10/2022 22:10

WTF is wrong with people saying she is right to refuse to take them in??!!
You marry someone with kids then you take responsibility for them.

OP I'm with you. Your poor kids would've felt awful.

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 22:11

Rosewaterblossom · 17/10/2022 21:35

A mum yes to her own dc, but these aren't her children, they are her husbands children. The parental responsibility belongs to her dh not her. She can be nice the them and offer to help, but doesn't have to look after someone's else's dc if she doesn't want to.

Marrying someone with kids doesn't mean you have to be "mum" to those kids.

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What would she do in the event that the OP (god forbid) fell seriously ill or died?

Wash her hands?
Seek a divorce and run for the hills as a PP said?

If you aren't prepared to be a mother to someone else's kids and deal with last minute family run-of-the-mill type shit, if the kids need to make appointments and check if you're in the mood to tolerate them, if they see their parents house as your house.....

Guess what?

Don't bloody marry the man.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:12

MrsMorrisey · 17/10/2022 22:10

WTF is wrong with people saying she is right to refuse to take them in??!!
You marry someone with kids then you take responsibility for them.

OP I'm with you. Your poor kids would've felt awful.

No you don't. It's not in the vows.

Obki · 17/10/2022 22:12

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 22:10

Honestly, the number of women here calling this poor woman all the names under the sun just for having some boundaries and not letting her useless husband and his ex walk all over her and assume she's the unpaid nanny. Bitch, cow, cunt.....you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Exactly! And trying to pretend they’re KIND when they’re far from it.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:12

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 22:10

Honestly, the number of women here calling this poor woman all the names under the sun just for having some boundaries and not letting her useless husband and his ex walk all over her and assume she's the unpaid nanny. Bitch, cow, cunt.....you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

It's depressing.

Rosewaterblossom · 17/10/2022 22:13

I'll reiterate what I asked to everyone. Does this notion of step parents being responsible for their step dc stretch to mums being ok with them attending parents evenings, disciplining and having an opinion on how they are raised?

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:13

Obki · 17/10/2022 22:12

Exactly! And trying to pretend they’re KIND when they’re far from it.

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I did call the dad a dick but the insults thrown his way have been pretty tame.

mumpants · 17/10/2022 22:13

Poor kids. They must feel a real burden to her. I wouldn't treat anyone like that.

SudocremOnEverything · 17/10/2022 22:14

Mamai90 · 17/10/2022 22:04

I voted YABU as its his fault. But I think it was a shit thing for her to do. And if I was your ex I wouldn't be too happy at my wife ignoring my young kids when they were standing at the door. I think it was mean of her to ignore them while they were standing there. However, YABU for blaming her for his fuck up but YANBU for thinking she's a twat.

If you’d fucked up and it was entirely your fault she was in a position where she had to turn them away (actually some fault also lies with their mother who was determined to make her answer the door), you’d be unhappy with her?

I’d be apologising to her for having put her in the situation. And apologising to my ex for forgetting. And leaving work to rectify my mistake. Then apologising go my children for not having been there.

Because it’s not everyone else’s job to just sort out my messes. And I certainly don’t get to be angry with someone for deciding not to clean up after me.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:14

Rosewaterblossom · 17/10/2022 22:13

I'll reiterate what I asked to everyone. Does this notion of step parents being responsible for their step dc stretch to mums being ok with them attending parents evenings, disciplining and having an opinion on how they are raised?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA no chance. I got a bollocking for helping with my DSC's schooling during lock down.

magma32 · 17/10/2022 22:14

Reading many threads on here how step mums are being taken for mugs, having kids dumped on them by both parents, no respect for them or their time, husband shoots off to work etc expecting them take care of them, it’s refreshing to see a step mum stand her ground whichever way that may be. No, not nice for the kids but their parents shouldn’t dump them like this tbh. I think there is some internalised misogyny at play where step mums are expected to put up with this ‘for the sake of the kids’ no, this is a problem your ex has created so keep in with him, I highly doubt people do this do step dads, women’s time is less valuable you see. Your anger is towards the wrong person.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 22:15

mumpants · 17/10/2022 22:13

Poor kids. They must feel a real burden to her. I wouldn't treat anyone like that.

Who is "her" OP?

Obki · 17/10/2022 22:15

DysonSpheres · 17/10/2022 22:11

What would she do in the event that the OP (god forbid) fell seriously ill or died?

Wash her hands?
Seek a divorce and run for the hills as a PP said?

If you aren't prepared to be a mother to someone else's kids and deal with last minute family run-of-the-mill type shit, if the kids need to make appointments and check if you're in the mood to tolerate them, if they see their parents house as your house.....

Guess what?

Don't bloody marry the man.

Show quote history

I keep asking this but no response. Well, she did marry him. So what are you going to do about it?

Cancersurvivor · 17/10/2022 22:15

I could never do that to innocent children, they don’t understand what’s going on.
Not a nice step mum.