am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

A mum yes to her own dc, but these aren't her children, they are her husbands children. The parental responsibility belongs to her dh not her. She can be nice the them and offer to help, but doesn't have to look after someone's else's dc if she doesn't want to.

Marrying someone with kids doesn't mean you have to be "mum" to those kids.

Personally, I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near her, if that's her attitude. It may not have been her problem, and it was your ex's error, it was but anyone who is happy to leave the kids outside, feeling confused by the situation, obviously has no maternal feelings for them.

Can someone show me where this law is? Because if it's really the case then I need to get divorced fucking quickly!

I agree with you. If OP was so concerned about her kids feelings she could have just gone oh there's no one in never mind let's go back to ours and work out what's happening.

Didn't the mother (OP) do that though?

@GlassesWearer what in the evening with a young child and whilst all the lights are on
Kids aren't silly

That’s not semantics.

It’s a crucial difference that only an incredibly entitled exW would fail
to make.

The woman is in a relationship with my ex. She needs no favours from me to go about her life in any way. She has absolutely no parental responsibilities so I cannot do her a ‘favour’ by looking after my own child.

If she has a child of her own, then asking me to baby sit that child would be a favour. But, as we aren’t friends (I barely know her - she seems nice enough), I cannot imagine why she’d be asking me to look after her child.

You need to be mad at him, not at her. She shouldn’t be caring for your kids, unless of course you care for her kids and have some sort of agreement. She is not you nanny. The kids have a father and he totally fecked up. Be very mad at him.

So the fuckwit of an ex cocked up and didn't even attempt to put it right? After he'd conveniently forgotten about his own children he didn't rush home and try to rectify his mistake? He didn't apologetically call his wife and ask her to mind the children for half an hour? He just kept out of the way and let the women deal with it. Why didn't the children get taken to his place of work? Are you a single parent op? Otherwise why weren't they taken home and then you could continue to work. Stop being mad at her, she was probably fuming herself at being taken for granted with zero warning.

@GlassesWearer no the mother didn't she turned up as arranged kids were at the house
Called the dad no answer then called step mum and continued to knock as obvious someone was in and hadn't nipped out for a little walk

For all they knew, a babysitter was there with the other child? Or they left a light on and went out with a child? DH and I were out with our 3yo and 12 week old until 8pm last night and (shock here) we walked to the restaurant. It's really not that absurd.

I don't think she was under any obligation to help you out. Her partner was. She's not obliged to cover for him. Didn't you have a friend you could ask?

If OP didn't have work she wouldn't have cared as much just gone oh well back home we go.

So, she did... She turned up and stood with the kids instead of leaving like she should have. If you stand outside a locked door with no one answering then you're responsible for the fact they're outside.

@GlassesWearer but it wasn't the case was it she was in
Maybe they know she doesn't walk anywhere , maybe they live in the middle of nowhere
Shock horror the OP was there and could tell someone was home and was right
Stop making excuses
If she didn't want ti have them just answer the door and say or call your husband and tell him his kids and ex are at the door what is he going to do about it

I would be pissed off too! When you marry a partner with children they come as a package - I cringe at some of the responses on here. Sept children are family you help family when needed. Those poor kids must have felt very unwanted - their dads house should be there home too. Yes he was a dick and both women here have a right to be angry at him however make the kids feel welcome anytime in both homes for goodness sake or don’t choose to be part of a blended family!

@GlassesWearer ermm i think you have to stand outside a door to knock in it no ?
She had arranged with dad so knocked expecting dad to be home i assume kids out as well

She could have been puking her guts up or having a migraine for all OP knew. Basically out of action. In no fit state to look after her kids.

IF SM wasn't there then what would she have done OP should have done that.

If I remarried and my new husband treated my kids like they weren’t his probably I would absolutely sack him off.
Yes, but your ex wouldn't drop the kids on your partner's doorstep expecting free childcare because penis.

@sandytooth could of , could of also not of heard and been happy to have kids for all Op knows
Lots of could of scenarios
Guessing she knew why OP was there though , hence why she didn't answer the door
Could of even know they were due to have the kids as well

@Liorae she dropped them at their dads doorstep expecting him go be there
She didn't drive to a partners address and drop them off
She dropped them to their you would hope other home

It was their mother’s contact time and she wanted childcare.

her ex let her down. Forgot. Didn’t even try to sort it out (he could have left work!)

Is the package deal being the ex’s nanny on demand?

Is picking up all balls your husband drops just a wifely duty? Is it her fault is he forgets to buy his mum a birthday present too?

Why is the bar for men so low? It’s ridiculous. Just because a woman doesn’t clean up his mess, it doesn’t mean she should be held responsible for making it.

I think you know really that you are being unreasonable OP. You say yourself that you don't really know the woman, you don't know what is going on in her marriage, but I would say, you don't even know if the woman was really tired. She could have all sorts of things going on in her life, which your ex now has told you, for want of a better excuse that she was "tired". If this woman has been otherwise ok with you, then I would assume that there was something else going on, she's unwell or they are having relationship issues. Either way, it's your ex's fault, not hers, why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt, not her?

You’ve not met my ex. Dick or vag, if they’re in my vicinity they’re fair game for responsibility-foisting.

My OH would step up though, because he cares about us.