4 year old travelling - dummy

AmySma1i · 2022-10-17T15:03:49+00:00

Hi all, Hope you're all well! My 4 year old DD hates travelling and gets super upset when in the back of the car, we've tried many different distractions, but the only thing that reasonably calms her is her dummy ( she has it for bedtime as well). We visited grandparents this weekend and they immediately berated me for letting her have it in the car, but she'd be distraught travelling without. Should I be ditching this for car journeys or will she feel calmer over time or am I being unreasonable in seeing no issue with this as it makes her happier? Currently it isn't damaging her teeth or speech otherwise I'd definitely consider

Twizbe · 17/10/2022 16:10

At 4 she should be able to verbalise what is wrong with cars and why she hates it so much. She's also a bit on the old side for the dummy at bed time too.

I'd do the dummy fairy this Xmas to get rid of it and find out what she hates about the car.

This is all assuming there are no SEN issues

Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:20

Thank you! No SEN issues, we did try talking but she doesn't quite know why, it's the detachment from anyone which I think is her main issue, although the noise as well upsets her, but she's less needy on trains etc when we can sit next to her.

I've not heard of the dummy fairy but will have a look. She's got a younger sister so went through a phase a few months ago of stealing hers, so we decided instead of going cold turkey we'd let her have them at bedtime as it helps her sleep

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Thesearmsofmine · 17/10/2022 16:23

I wouldn’t give a 4 year old a dummy at all unless there were SN. If you are travelling with more than one adult can someone sit in the back with her? Have you tried noise cancelling headphones?

theremustonlybeone · 17/10/2022 16:23

Get rid of the dummy, there is an increase risk of dental problems after the age of 4. She doesn't need it and is old enough for you to have a conversation about it. Agree with the PP...time for the dummy fairy. Replace with a nice cuddly toy of her choice instead.

SummerInSun · 17/10/2022 16:24

Do you have entertainment for her in the car? Her favourite music playing? An audio book of stories she likes? Playing car games like I spy or if she's too young for that something like how many different coloured cars can you spot? Does she have some little toys she can play with?

Perhaps try some bribery as well - new sticker book to do in the car if she isn't whinging? Or new picture book/magazine to look at?

MakeWayMoana · 17/10/2022 16:24

If it’s a detachment issue I’d look at putting her in the front, putting a mirror in (if she’s still rear facing) or getting her to pick a couple of toys for car journeys.

If it’s the noise help her pick a cd or playlist for the car that you can sing along to.

I would be trying to get rid of the dummy completely at 4, not increasing how much it’s used.

Twizbe · 17/10/2022 16:25

Dummy fairy is really good for going cold turkey.

Talk to her now about how she's a big girl and she doesn't need hers anymore. When the Xmas tree goes up you tell her it's time for the fairy to take her dummy for the babies who need it. She puts it under the tree and while she's at school or out the fairy replaces it with a toy.

If she takes her sisters you take it away and say that it's the sisters and not hers.

As for the car. Is she forward facing? If not turn her round.

Then explain that you're all still there and no one is going anywhere. Perhaps have the radio on so she can't hear the car noise as much.

Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:31

We haven't tried noise cancelling headphones as she likes to talk and we're always playing games, we do have one of us sit in the back when we're family travelling (DH as i drive) and she holds his hand most of the way, and isn't upset then and doesn't have the dummy

She does sit forward facing.

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FlounderingFruitcake · 17/10/2022 16:34

Love dummies for younger ones but 4 is too old for a non sen child and you need to get rid. Is she forward facing in a high backed booster, if not that might be comfier than a harness and/or rear facing. Providing she doesn’t get car sick could you give her an ipad? But honestly I wouldn’t put up with excessive whinging without a good reason, e.g. feeling sick, or taking her sister’s dummy and I would treat it as you would any other bad behaviour.

FlibbertyGiblets · 17/10/2022 16:35

You could solve the berating by not visiting them [thumbs up]

Seriously though, you do need to get rid, are you at a stage yet where she sucks to sleep then you pop it out until next bedtime?

The dummy fairy might come at Christmas to take the dummy for the little babies, how exciting!

Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:35

We'll give it a try at Christmas, I hadn't considered 4 years old too old for her dummy as she still needs it to get to sleep even with all her teddies, but if we need to do it we'll give it a go

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Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:38

We currently give it to her after bathtime and she settles with it during story time and snuggles, and she had it in her mouth throughout the night, we take it off of her about 20 mins after she wakes up.

Should we try to take it out when she's asleep?

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Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:40

FlounderingFruitcake · 17/10/2022 16:34

Love dummies for younger ones but 4 is too old for a non sen child and you need to get rid. Is she forward facing in a high backed booster, if not that might be comfier than a harness and/or rear facing. Providing she doesn’t get car sick could you give her an ipad? But honestly I wouldn’t put up with excessive whinging without a good reason, e.g. feeling sick, or taking her sister’s dummy and I would treat it as you would any other bad behaviour.

We use a harness booster forward facing, she doesn't tend to cry about anything else excessively which is why we've been using it

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Ohwellwhateverthen · 17/10/2022 16:41

4 is absolutely too old for a dummy. Guidance is to get rid at 12m.

Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:50

Ohwellwhateverthen · 17/10/2022 16:41

4 is absolutely too old for a dummy. Guidance is to get rid at 12m.

I thought they made daytime ones up until 3 years old, we planned to get rid by then but didn't think we were far past normal age for children at home

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Ohwellwhateverthen · 17/10/2022 16:51

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:50

I thought they made daytime ones up until 3 years old, we planned to get rid by then but didn't think we were far past normal age for children at home

Show quote history

No, NHS says dummies should be ditched between 6 to 12 months.

outtheshowernow · 17/10/2022 16:52

So will you still be giving it to her at 5 6 or 7 ? You need to just get rid of the dummy. 4 is way too old

Ffsmakeitstop · 17/10/2022 16:53

I'm going against the grain. Why would you take something away that's comforting?
My middle child still had dummies at nearly 5. He used to use it on way to nursery and I would take it home. He always had at least 3 on his person. His teeth are fine and his speech he doesn't have one now (he's 31).
Dd gave hers up voluntarily at 18 months. Youngest son never wanted one.
Each kid is different.

crumpetswithjam · 17/10/2022 16:53

My 3yo was hugely attached to her dummy but I lived in a constant state of anxiety for her teeth, so we did the Dummy Fairy thing. She wrote a letter to the fairy asking for a toy, we ditched all the dummies, and the Dummy Fairy wrote a letter back, accompanying the toy.

It worked really well and she's never gone back.

I wouldn't let a 4yo have a dummy unless they have significant SEN and use it to regulate. Having said that, I have an 8yo with significant SEN and he went off his dummy by about 4, he would spit it out pretty much immediately after falling asleep, so we just disappeared it and he didn't miss it.

myexisawanker · 17/10/2022 16:54

I think you need to get to the bottom of why she hates the car.

Could it be pressure in the car hurting her ears. Is it the same with windows ajar ? Or perhaps the feeling sick.

How about a water bottle with a straw ?

Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:55

outtheshowernow · 17/10/2022 16:52

So will you still be giving it to her at 5 6 or 7 ? You need to just get rid of the dummy. 4 is way too old

We'd be sensible about it but I'd genuinely never considered that 4 years old was too old, we'd already limited it to car and evening/bedtime and it comforts her more than anything else

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Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:58

crumpetswithjam · 17/10/2022 16:53

My 3yo was hugely attached to her dummy but I lived in a constant state of anxiety for her teeth, so we did the Dummy Fairy thing. She wrote a letter to the fairy asking for a toy, we ditched all the dummies, and the Dummy Fairy wrote a letter back, accompanying the toy.

It worked really well and she's never gone back.

I wouldn't let a 4yo have a dummy unless they have significant SEN and use it to regulate. Having said that, I have an 8yo with significant SEN and he went off his dummy by about 4, he would spit it out pretty much immediately after falling asleep, so we just disappeared it and he didn't miss it.

She doesn't have SEN but is naturally quite a shy child hence why we've let her had comforts like this. She definitely doesn't spit it out and keeps it all night at the moment

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myexisawanker · 17/10/2022 16:58

She likely won't have language for why she hates it so you might need so a whole loads of " I wonder if you don't enjoy the car because"..... it's noisy or makes your bum hurt or you don't like your legs dangling from the seat.
Not closed questions or putting words into her mouth.

Original poster

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:59

Ffsmakeitstop · 17/10/2022 16:53

I'm going against the grain. Why would you take something away that's comforting?
My middle child still had dummies at nearly 5. He used to use it on way to nursery and I would take it home. He always had at least 3 on his person. His teeth are fine and his speech he doesn't have one now (he's 31).
Dd gave hers up voluntarily at 18 months. Youngest son never wanted one.
Each kid is different.

Good to hear, did he get rid of it naturally? I didn't know 4 years old was too old until I travelled on my own to in laws as DH had to come separately.

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Thesearmsofmine · 17/10/2022 16:59

Is she at school yet OP?