To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Yes I agree. I would of course love my DP to get the snip off his own back and make a sacrifice for our family but I understand why he also wouldn’t. I’m not going to force him, I’m not going to withhold sex (why would I cos then I’d be missing out) and I’m not going to break up with him - imagine our poorer daughters. He’s not selfish he’s a human with feelings. I’m also a human with feelings- I’m not willing to stay on the pill long term.

it is down to bodily autonomy. You are perfectly entitled not to use any contraception that has adverse effects on you. He is perfectly entitled not to want to undergo any procedures on his body.

You are sure there are to be no more children. So now you have to work out how that is going to happen for sure. If you don't want to have your tubes tied or whatever, then you have to suggest condoms & spermicide, no PIV sex, no sex, get a coil, etc etc etc.

You can both choose which is the least worst for you, right?

It’s because a lot of trusts won’t refer women for sterilisation on the NHS.

I don’t understand how a man can watch his wife go through years of contraceptive issues and childbirth and be this selfish.

I don't think OP mentioned having had surgery - apologies if I missed that. To be honest, I wasn't thinking of it in terms of whose turn it is - 'I do this, so you do that'. I just wondered why, if there is an alternative solution, why is it not an option. I don't think OP has said this yet.

I would give him the option of condoms or a vasectomy. You’ve done your bit, he needs to be a big boy and take his turn

I am sorry if this has been addressed, but given that it is your body experiencing the pain and discomfort, why not have a tubal ligation? That puts you in control of your own body regardless of your partner's thoughts or actions.

Both procedures are invasive , but one decision puts the control in your hands. If you know with certainty that you do not want anymore children, then it makes sense that you would be the one to ensure that the possibility is eliminated. Your partner may not wish to eliminate the possibility that he might want to have another child at some later date.

If you wanted a higher rate of assurance , you could have a tubal and he could have the snip.

My DH had it done as soon as our DS was born. He knew hi didn't want any more children either with me or anybody else. He had it done in the afternoon and went back to work the next day.
We paid privately as we didn't want to wait and risk another pregnancy.

As far as coils is concerned, I did have the mirena coil fitted a few years later (due to very heavy periods) and had no issues at all. I think we are often mentally affected by the negatives and focusing on the positives of contraceptive coils.
Good Luck X

Do you really think so? I do love mumsnet as I feel
i couldn’t really have these kind of impartial views on this subject (brought it ip to friends and they didn’t really have any advice). But I think people get to passionate about it. I just wanted to know pros and cons for DP and for myself. I respect my partner but I respect myself too. This isn’t having a go at you I just am not really understand your POV. Does DP fears not matter? I feel like a vasectomy isn’t a big deal but he does. I don’t think getting my tubes tied is a big deal if it means no more miscarriages. If in a years time when DD2 was older and someone said to me if I got pregnant right now and I’d have a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end I’d 100% do it. However they cannot. No one could promise that tho.
my mental health couldn’t cope. My mental health struggles on the pill. Just trying to find a way which is best for us all xx

It is common for men who divorce and meet another to have the reversal procedure. So my comments were not influenced by my own experience.
You might also find that referring to someone as weak and pathetic to convince someone to do something for you isn't always the best approach.

@StupidSmallFruit @CatsandFish

Well said, all of your posts are spot on.

DH told me he was getting a vasectomy after we decided not to have any more dc. His idea, his choice, because he appreciated what I had put my body through and felt it was his turn to step up.

I literally would have no respect for any man who didn't feel the same.

Let's not forget we target contraception at the wrong demographic, women can get pregnant once every 9 months, men can impregnate thousands of women a year, yet women are targeted for contraception not men....wonder why that is?!

DH booked himself in for one after our last baby was born. I'd had a horrific journey having 4 DC including a late stillbirth and there was no discussion - he just said it was his turn to step up. I was unable to use hormone based contraception, hence our last unplanned but wonderful baby.

I couldn't respect a man who refused this to be honest.

My partner lost babies too. Yes I went through it physically but we mourned them babies together and as hard as it was we became stronger together and better parents for it. Anyway that’s not the point in this thread.
He takes on more of the mental load - bills, working etc. But together we’re a team. He works harder than he needs too to make sure we live a nice life and I can be home with my girls.
I wouldn’t leave him over this. Why do you think I should? (Genuine question). Our day to day life is good and we have our little family unit, why would I break that up and upturn my DDs lives for it? Not when there’s other options out there

Yep.

men can impregnate thousands of women a year, yet women are targeted for contraception not men....wonder why that is?!

Because men are cowardly gutless wonders. The male contraceptive pill was pulled because the risk of side effects was above 0%. ANY risk, men cry and run. Never mind the risks and effects of the female contraceptive pill is higher than the risk and effects of the men's. Never mind that pregnancy and childbirth can literally be life and death. No, ANY risk men may face and they become little crybabies. One on here even whinged about a meagre 5% risk. The irony is their partner took 5 times that risk to give them their child. And they're like a little crybaby over a lousy 5%.

I used the pill for many years and luckily never had any issues but when we decided that we were done after 3 dc, dh decided himself that it was time for him to step up and he got a vasectomy. Men need to cop themselves on, if they want a sex life with their partners they need to take responsibility for contraception at some point. There was a big hoo ha when the pill was invented, how it would give women freedom, but I think it was really developed to benefit men.

Actually it was more that you both had similar name structures (colour, thing, thing) as well as a matching of minority opinion.

To be honest, is sex really worth (i) a woman making herself sick by taking contraceptives which dont agree with her, or (ii) a man being pressured to mutilate his healthy body?

Ah I see, this bit of information makes your view clearer. It makes more sense to know you have skin in the game but from the perspective of the man’s new partner who wants him to have more children with her. So not particularly unbiased, especially as you clearly have ill-feeling towards his first wife.

I have poor mental health and can’t use hormonal contraceptives because of this. I’ve been using the Copper Coil (which is non-hormonal) for coming up to 12yrs now and had no issues with it. They last 5 or 10yrs (you choose) and when my last one ‘expired’ they fitted the new one at the same time as taking the old one out. Then you just forget about it!

I do have heavy periods, but that was the case since I had kids anyway so is the norm for me and is perfectly manageable.

In your situation I’d give it a try.

Sigh. I can’t get on board with this man bashing narrative you have.
The only thing that would ever break us up is if either of us had an affair. In my eyes that isn’t forgivable. Ever. For either party.
To me, this isn’t that big a deal, yes I’d love for him to get the snip and to take some of the load off and I will be upset if he doesn’t (I actually think the lying and backing out of the deal we made is a bigger issue than not wanting a vasectomy in the first place) but if he feels like he can’t then we’ll have to look into alternatives.
He’s not perfect but he’s not a bad person. I’m not perfect and I’m not a bad person and I’m not a victim in this relationship who needs saving from the big bad male who only thinks with his cock and doesn’t ever take my feelings into consideration.
I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. Thank you for your time on this @CatsandFish

I don’t think that it’s done by GPs, just in the more accessible primary care setting of a GP surgery. I think clinicians visit to perform the procedures.

I really don't understand how suggesting that you deserve to be respected and appreciated is 'man bashing'. Sorry, but I think it says something about your thought process and self respect/confidence issues that you think holding a man accountable for not respecting you and being selfish in the relationship is 'man bashing'. How did we as women sink so low when that is our bar? That we are so desperate to be in a relationship we will take being disrespected by a selfish man, and that's 'good enough'? To be honest your post saddens me. Especially in 2022 that you think that is all your worth. Yes, no one's perfect, but that doesn't mean the bar has to be set so very low that a selfish and disrespectful man that doesn't love you or care about you is somehow 'better' than being alone. Even more so when you have daughters that will grow up to emulate this.

Can you provide evidence of the ill feelings, please?
Explicitly.
Thanks
Pet.