Page 8 | To ask my partner for a vasectomy

Foreveranxious22 · 2022-10-17T05:28:55+00:00

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please. My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children. I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill. Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Letthesunshineonin · 17/10/2022 10:13

I would have lost all respect for him. Apart from being a liar, he’s also a selfish wimp.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:13

WhatsErFace2020 · 17/10/2022 07:41

OP I could’ve written this myself! We only use condoms now and just this month it somehow came off inside me without us knowing. Cue me having to have to take the MAP. I am really disappointed in DH that he won’t do this for our family when He watched me almost die having our youngest. It’s a really selfish attitude these men have that it’s not their responsibility.

women are fertile for a few days a month, men are fertile all the time...yet the majority of contraception was developed for women...BY MEN 🙄

I'd leave him for this alone, I truly would. Any man that can watch his partner not only go through pregnancies and birth his children, but almost die, and still refuse to accept part of the responsibility is scum in my opinion. There is no excuse for such selfishness, heartlessness and disrespect towards you. I don't know how you can even look at him, I honest to god don't.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 10:14

YellowTreeHouse · 17/10/2022 07:48

@girlmom21 Right ok. So if a husband said to his wife he wouldn’t fuck her until she dyed her hair/got a boob job/quit her job/had an abortion that would be okay would it?

No, it wouldn’t.

Sex is an integral part of any relationship. If you’re going to refuse to engage in it then you need to split up.

So I suppose OP’s options are get the procedure herself, use another form of contraception, or split up.

Utterly utterly ridiculous examples that have absolutely no comparison to preventing an unwanted further pregnancy and risks to health of both that and hormonal contraception.

Just bizarre that you think you can compare a hair cut or boob job to having to be pregnant and give birth, or having health issues due to the pill. Wild.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:14

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:11

@CatsandFish stop acting like PIV is mandatory 😂

Maybe you should say that to men. 😂😂

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:14

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:06

Great, you're caving again and going to let him get away with being a selfish ahole. You, have already taken on more than your share. Tell him it's either the snip, or no sex. Don't let him get away with being selfish and lazy. Don't even consider doing anything to yourself. You've done more than your fair share of risks. How can you even look him in the eye if he won't do this for you, after all you've been through!

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Part of me does agree, and I guess that’s why I made the thread. Been up since 4 with the baby, DP pissing me off, another week starting and he wasn’t showing signs of making moves to ring the gp and I just wanted other peoples advice. But I just can’t find it in me to get pissed off that he won’t do it. If it was him trying to make me do something I really didn’t want to do then I’d be upset. But then I’m upset that we made the deal and nothing from him. I don’t know @CatsandFish its just a lot I guess. I have asked him to get in touch this morning (even do an eConsultation) and he said he will. Also I wouldn’t say I’m a push over type of partner, I just know him so well I can see why it would be difficult for him even tho I know I would do it easy if it meant no risk of future pregnancy and no side effects. Thank you for your perspective xx

OP posts:

MenopauseSucks · 17/10/2022 10:15

Well in an ideal world he would think
'right, my wife has gone through all the horrors of child birth, miscarriage plus pumping herself full of hormones that don't suit her, so now now it's time for me to step up to the plate'.
However he obviously doesn't want to have a vasectomy & you can't force him to have one which is annoying but hey, that's how the mind of a certain type of men works!
Could you use an App that tracks when you're ovulating?
During that time, any sexual activity is non-PIV.
The rest of the time, use condoms & maybe a diaphragm if you want to have PIV sex.

hellosunshineagainxxx · 17/10/2022 10:15

Magn · 17/10/2022 07:09

The pill was just as bad for me as the injection.

I really struggled to respect the men who won't get the snip for their partners after they've given birth. It's generally a sign of selfishness elsewhere.

Agree

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:16

@CatsandFish maybe OP's husband would be happy with no PIV? We don't know!

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/10/2022 10:17

OP, your DH needs to get over his fear really.he says he's sqeemish but he needs to remember what you have put your body through to give him his children.

I'm about to be in same position where we are done having kids, i'm not going back on any contraception as i have done my part, i've been on it for 15 years, gone through a tough labour and a c section and i don't want to mess with my body any more, it is my DH's turn now to sort contraception and have the snip. He 'hates' condoms 🤦🏼‍♀️ but i have told him we won't be having unprotected sex as i don't want another baby, so he needs to step up for our family or live with no sex.

The snip for guys is so much less dangerous than the equivelent for women, they aren't comparable imo.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 10:18

MrsTuxedo · 17/10/2022 08:05

I don't get it. Why not go for the female sterilisation and have your fallopian tubes sealed? It is often done during a c-section, but you can have it done at any time
Am I missing something ? Does it no longer exist?

Many NHS trusts won't do this due to cost versus the option of a vasectomy now.
My friend was refused sterilisation in her area.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:20

MenopauseSucks · 17/10/2022 10:15

Well in an ideal world he would think
'right, my wife has gone through all the horrors of child birth, miscarriage plus pumping herself full of hormones that don't suit her, so now now it's time for me to step up to the plate'.
However he obviously doesn't want to have a vasectomy & you can't force him to have one which is annoying but hey, that's how the mind of a certain type of men works!
Could you use an App that tracks when you're ovulating?
During that time, any sexual activity is non-PIV.
The rest of the time, use condoms & maybe a diaphragm if you want to have PIV sex.

Or, instead of OP risking yet another pregnancy/miscarriage/need for an abortion since even a common cold can affect your cycles and tracking is not reliable, just say No Snip - No Sex? Much better. He'd soon cave if he thought he'd never get sex again.

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:21

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:56

@CatsandFish Condoms are effective if used properly and can also be used with avoiding fertile times. Either don't have PIV at all, or avoid your fertile times. No need for anyone to be taking drugs or having permanent surgical procedures which they may regret later on. It really isn't that difficult. Why are you acting like OP has no choice but to have sex and risk pregnancy?

What if, god forbid, anything happened to any of his existing children? You are being deliberately obtuse about why people may come to regret sterilisation or choose to have more children.

‘What if, god forbid, anything happened to any of his existing children? You are being deliberately obtuse about why people may come to regret sterilisation or choose to have more children.’
@lawandgin really?
I’ve had multiple miscarriages and my current baby in my arms is not a replacement for any of the babies I have lost. I’m all for a friendly discussion but your letting your partners past cloud your judgment. He clearly had the snip at a point in his life that was right from him then. You have you DD now so let it rest. Jesus

OP posts:

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:22

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:21

‘What if, god forbid, anything happened to any of his existing children? You are being deliberately obtuse about why people may come to regret sterilisation or choose to have more children.’
@lawandgin really?
I’ve had multiple miscarriages and my current baby in my arms is not a replacement for any of the babies I have lost. I’m all for a friendly discussion but your letting your partners past cloud your judgment. He clearly had the snip at a point in his life that was right from him then. You have you DD now so let it rest. Jesus

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Well said.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 10:22

I don't get it. Why not go for the female sterilisation and have your fallopian tubes sealed?

Because apparently, according to my GP, I'm not old enough to know that I'm definitely done having children (even though I'm old enough to have decided I was ready for children and I'm old enough to go through abortion...) so I can't get a referral

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:23

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:16

@CatsandFish maybe OP's husband would be happy with no PIV? We don't know!

Maybe I wouldn’t be happy with no PIV???? I enjoy sex with my partner as much as he does with me.

OP posts:

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/10/2022 10:23

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 10:18

Many NHS trusts won't do this due to cost versus the option of a vasectomy now.
My friend was refused sterilisation in her area.

Show quote history

@MrsTuxedo yes because the woman has already gone through so much, having miscarriages/children etc, 1 more surgery wouldn't hurt right, no need for the man to do 1 thing for this wife and family 🤦🏼‍♀️

honestly, the 2 aren't comparable, the husband is being selfish, the snip is far less invasive than the womans version, and OP has put her body through more than enough already

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:23

No of course they aren't @Foreveranxious22 and I'm sorry that came across as insensitive. I was just trying to make the point that these could be some of the reasons why people who previously thought they were done with having children may go on to have more later. I am sorry for your loss, I really am.

JanuaryBug · 17/10/2022 10:30

DH won't get the snip so I'm getting my tubes removed (biliateral salpingectomy is now the preferred form of surgery over tubal ligation). It was a long road, I've fought for 8 years and had multiple different types of contraceptive in that time but I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Bodily autonomy goes both ways.

Bluetree89 · 17/10/2022 10:31

My husband was meant to get a vasectomy after our first 2, then after our 3rd, then after the 4th but told me he was too busy to book/have a vasectomy. I rang up and booked the initial appointment and told him to attend I don’t care if your busy, I’m busy. He attended.

fabfifty4 · 17/10/2022 10:32

No doubt I'm going to get shot down for this but here goes. The suggestion of having your tubes tied seems to be getting shut down by many posters, and I am genuinely curious as to why that is? I personally don't think that a vasectomy is a minor operation, perhaps the op is but the consequences are not. I also suffered multiple miscarriages, so understand how you feel and how traumatic that is, but if you are 100% sure that you are done with having babies, wouldn't you having the op make sense. I am so used to reading 'your body, your choice' on MN, when it is the woman but her partner not wanting the op for whatever reason, is met with derision. Just to add, I would be saying exactly the same if a man had posted saying that he doesn't want anymore children so he's told his wife to have her tubes tied.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:34

JanuaryBug · 17/10/2022 10:30

DH won't get the snip so I'm getting my tubes removed (biliateral salpingectomy is now the preferred form of surgery over tubal ligation). It was a long road, I've fought for 8 years and had multiple different types of contraceptive in that time but I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Bodily autonomy goes both ways.

I'd be getting rid of the selfish and disrespectful husband.

Would do women put up with it and accept taking all the surgeries and risks? Keep your tubes, ditch the selfish and disrespectful husband. You can do far better.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:35

fabfifty4 · 17/10/2022 10:32

No doubt I'm going to get shot down for this but here goes. The suggestion of having your tubes tied seems to be getting shut down by many posters, and I am genuinely curious as to why that is? I personally don't think that a vasectomy is a minor operation, perhaps the op is but the consequences are not. I also suffered multiple miscarriages, so understand how you feel and how traumatic that is, but if you are 100% sure that you are done with having babies, wouldn't you having the op make sense. I am so used to reading 'your body, your choice' on MN, when it is the woman but her partner not wanting the op for whatever reason, is met with derision. Just to add, I would be saying exactly the same if a man had posted saying that he doesn't want anymore children so he's told his wife to have her tubes tied.

@fabfifty4 Because she has taken all the risks, all the pregnancies, all the surgeries. It's HIS TURN. That's why! It's HIS SPERM that makes her pregnant, too, so it's more his responsibility than hers.

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:35

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:23

No of course they aren't @Foreveranxious22 and I'm sorry that came across as insensitive. I was just trying to make the point that these could be some of the reasons why people who previously thought they were done with having children may go on to have more later. I am sorry for your loss, I really am.

@lawandgin I tried to say it nicely when you asked what my DP would do if I died or if he met someone else but that was a ridiculous thing to say.
To be quite honest I couldn’t give a shit what any future hypothetical women would think if my DP couldn’t give him children. And to suggest he’d be off impregnating someone else after my death is mind blowing.
Im sorry if you partners past choices have scarred you and your journey to motherhood hasn’t been what you imagined but please have a little tact with others. I am thankful for your perspective, something to keep in mind.

OP posts:

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:38

The misogynists and handmaidens are out in full force on this thread. Women are our own worst enemies.

Kabalagala · 17/10/2022 10:40

fabfifty4 · 17/10/2022 10:32

No doubt I'm going to get shot down for this but here goes. The suggestion of having your tubes tied seems to be getting shut down by many posters, and I am genuinely curious as to why that is? I personally don't think that a vasectomy is a minor operation, perhaps the op is but the consequences are not. I also suffered multiple miscarriages, so understand how you feel and how traumatic that is, but if you are 100% sure that you are done with having babies, wouldn't you having the op make sense. I am so used to reading 'your body, your choice' on MN, when it is the woman but her partner not wanting the op for whatever reason, is met with derision. Just to add, I would be saying exactly the same if a man had posted saying that he doesn't want anymore children so he's told his wife to have her tubes tied.

Because, excepting barrier methods, all birth control has side effects. Why should it be on her to take all the side effects again? It's a lazy excuse for selfish men. Yes it's his choice, but it's a very selfish choice.