To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

@RedAppleGirl There is no need to even have a reversal now. A syringe is inserted and sperm directly removed.
You knew he had a vasectomy when you got with him, it was your choice to stay with him, you could have picked someone who didn't have a vasectomy.
No one has a 'right' to have children, you could have fostered and adopted through the fostering programme.

Fostering and adoption are not the same as having your own biological child.

There's nothing wrong with what that poster has done to attempt to have a baby with her partner.

I know it's not, but it's an option.

Of course there is nothing wrong with it, but she knew he had a vasectomy when she got with him so she can't complain, and especially shouldn't be using it as an argument against it, as if it's the responsibility of women to think of who is going to be with her partner next.

Do posters honestly think it is helpful to tell a clearly distressed woman, who has already explained she struggles with her mental health, that her husband 'doesn't give a shit about you' multiple times?? Do you honestly think that is a helpful comment to be told repeatedly?

I asked my DH to have one. We've got two children, one with additional needs and childbirth amongst (not exaggerating) killed me the first time (ELCS for the second). I've been left with permanent injuries from the first birth and will likely in time need a hysterectomy. Doctors are currently reluctant to do it because of my age but that's going to be the end result.

I asked him because I can't use hormonal contraception and even condoms aren't infallible. If I accidentally get pregnant, I cannot carry another baby without huge risk to my health, and we don't want any more children anyway. It would be me that has to go through an abortion, which I would do, but I would really struggle with it.

It was affecting our sex life a lot because I would avoid sex because I was anxious about getting pregnant. He was getting frustrated because he wasn't getting any, but when I took the time to explain it to him he 'got it' instantly.

He was squeamish too, he didn't relish the idea at all! It's not a particularly pleasant thing to have done! But he booked in, saying 'I think it's time that I took one for the team now isn't it'. Yes my love, yes it is!

As soon as he understood, he did it. I won't lie I would have thought less of him had he not, it would've been incredibly selfish for him to expect us to carry on our sex life as normal knowing how I felt.

Snip done, tests clear. Normal service has resumed! It's not infallible obviously but he will do a private test every year to ensure it doesn't fail until I've been through the menopause (or had a hysterectomy) so we're as covered as we can be.

You're not unreasonable OP. We women give a lot when we have children physically and mentally. Whilst you can't force him, it's pretty crap if they won't do what is essentially a minor inconvenience for you.

You're right, but do you also think it's helpful to lie to the OP? Perhaps the reason women struggle with their mental health is they are with someone who is selfish and doesn't care about them, and if they weren't, their mental health would recover? Did you consider that? In the past week alone I've read two threads of women who had struggles with their mental health, left their spouses and now their mental health has improved immensely.

I've been a GP for 18 years, I have extra qualifications in women's health and have been a coil and implant fitter for 16 years. The copper IUCD is a LARC and so it is included in the funding. Which pays for the time and equipment to fit the methods - it's not some sort of a bribe. And we are not incentivised in any way to push the hormonal IUS over the copper IUCD. However my experience is that vastly more people want their copper IUCD out after a few months due to the heavy and prolonged bleeding, than the few that want their hormonal IUS out.

Low ball bringing my daughters into this lol. Maybe you should give your posts a reread to see why I think your bashing men. You are the one disrespecting me because we have different views.

You seem to spend an inordinate amount of time telling other people what to do!
There are around 12-20,000 allowing for-variation, vasectomies a yr carried out in the UK, with between 5-20% reversed. Which is a significant number. It's quite a cottage industry.
Having spent the best part of 14 months going through this process we are well aware of our choices.
Reversal is cheaper and has better odds, both of us are typically healthier than others in our age range. The reversal was recommended in our circumstances.
The next stop may well be ICSI.
And no we're NOT going to adopt, or foster, and no I didn't want to pick someone else. Dp is fine, a gem.
I can understand fully why the op wishes her husband to have a vasectomy, however, the nasty language, coercion and manipulation, and in-plain-sight bullying from certain posters don't sit well with me.

You're right, but do you also think it's helpful to lie to the OP?

You don't need to lie to the OP. Plenty of women have been able to give the OP their honest opinion without berating her DP. People have suggested workarounds and solutions and helpful advice and the OP has communicated respectfully with every single person.

She doesn't need to be told horrible things about her partner when this is the only gripe she has with him. Yes it's a big deal but it's their issue to overcome together.

I'm sorry you think that wanting girls to be raised to know their worth is 'low ball'. That is very sad if you truly think that. Very, very sad. You simply don't want to see what I am saying because I think you know deep down it's true. There is never anything 'low ball' about reminding our fellow sisters to be the role models our daughters need. There are so many threads on this site with women in relationships with men who either abuse them or simply don't care about them and their needs or appreciate and respect them, and some of these women admit they'd rather be in a relationship with their spouse that doesn't care about them, than being alone. That gets passed on from one generation to the next, and our daughters (and sons) watch us. If you get angry at me pointing this out, I think it says more about what you know deep down, than me. It is never 'low ball' to remind a fellow sister to have self respect and to model that to her children. That, is actually basic common sense.

I'm in the same position OP. We simply do not have sex any more, for me the risk of pregnancy is not worth it. I could get my tubes tied, but it would be the last nail in the coffin if he allowed me to go ahead with an operation when he has seen me go all the problems I had during pregnancy/birth. I don't think I could bring myself to sleep with him again.

I hope he will do the right thing and take his turn or it will break our marriage.

Poster requests you take the foot of the pedal. Yet you carry on, under the disguise of you know what's best.
That's just not kind at all.

Surprisingly I haven’t discussed with my 5 year old or 6 month whether or not they want their dad to get a vasectomy and surprisingly enough, the subject hasn’t ever been brought up in front of them.

I model a good relationship with their dad by continually show him respect and having a good loving relationship with him.
Are you ok @CatsandFish?

@CatsandFish your comments are not 'truthful' to the OP though. No one is lying to her. Consider the poster you are berating aggressively. Not a random idea that her mental health struggles must be because of a man.

Perhaps the reason women struggle with their mental health is that are with someone who is selfish and doesn't care about them
*
Mental health is complex area and it's completely* insulting to not only women, but to HCP's treating those patients, to suggest that women's mental health struggles are always due to men.

It's not about the vasectomy, and you know it. It's about staying with a man that doesn't love you or care about you.
How can you model a good relationship when you stay with a man that doesn't love you or respect you? It's all one-sided, and on some level you must know that. You don't have a good loving relationship, that's the point. He lies to you, and doesn't care about your health or respect you. So glad you respect him, considering he doesn't respect you, and you know it. How is that any type of 'good loving relationship'? I'm ok, I'm sure glad I don't have that type of 'good loving relationship'.

At no stage did I say women's mental health struggles are always due to men, @MacroTwigg . At no stage. However on those threads I mentioned, it clearly, by those OPs' own admissions, a very big part of it.

I haven't read all the thread but skipped 'pages'. I had a vasectomy 20 years ago and as a person who actually fainted after a plain simple blood test (level of squeamish) can confirm that the procedure itself was mostly painless (less than the dentist!) and apart from being 'delicate' for a day or two (and painted with iodine!) not really a big deal. I would say to the OP that your DP should have it done. I was a 'stay at home dad' and really enjoyed it. Divorced after 16 years post birth but heigh ho.

Does DP fears not matter?

What fear? He said the thought of it gives him the “Ick”. That’s not fear.

They are two very different things.

If he’s genuinely scared of having it done then you both beed to explore what it is that he’s afraid of so you can move forwards.

It’s a 10 minute procedure where he’s awake. I imagine it takes longer to have a filling done at the dentists than it does to have a vasectomy so what about it scares him? There’s no general anaesthetic to fear which would be a genuine reason for not wanting a procedure.

Is he scared of pain from having the injection of local anaesthetic? (and if so, that is pretty pathetic if he’s using that as an excuse).

Is he afraid of pain afterwards? Well that’s what paracetamol and ibuprofen are for which are drugs you’ve probably taken taken 100 times over when dealing with contraception side effects, periods, losses, pregnancies and birth.

Is he afraid of doing it because deep down he doesn’t want to rule out the idea of having more children in the future? (Be it won’t you or someone else).

What exactly is it he is afraid of?

@Foreveranxious22 noted and once again, I am sorry if my posts upset you.

I would be lying if I said my own experiences hadn't influenced my stance. Naturally, that is part of how we develop opinions. But my point on bodily autonomy stands and that is something we do seem to agree on. Anyway, I wanted to say you have been incredibly even-handed in your approach to this thread. I hope you and your dh come to a conclusion that works for you both and your family.

OP I am sorry for upsetting you. I as a fellow woman stand by everything I said as I hate seeing women being treated badly, but I am sorry I upset you. I hope you can reach an agreement that works for you.

How many women have you met that have come out of pregnancies and childbirth without ANY issues. And now eliminate any remaining women who have also issues with contraception, abortions, miscarriages etc. include the ones you don’t know. Not a lot.

your statistical sampling is swayed towards seeing people WITH issues…not a reprentation of the thousands of men who have no issues at all with vasectomies.
we need to stop wrapping men up in cotton wool
if he wants sex still after children a man needs to reconginise that he now needs to take some of the costs of that and stop the sense of entitlement he’s had for years previously

I think some do have the op done under GA.
Dp mentioned it took 35 mins under local.
Interestingly the surgeon who carried out the original op, carried out the VR.

I think you’re right. If a woman is 100% sure she doesn’t want more children and her partner has a vasectomy, if they subsequently split (which is statistically not that unlikely) she’ll be in the same position of needing to prevent pregnancy if she meets someone new, so why not fix the issue once and for all and get sterilised? That’s what taking responsibility for your own fertility means, surely?

This!