To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

@notdaddycool 5% is nothing. The risk of permanent illness, injury and even death in pregnancy/childbirth is far greater than 5%.

He already has two children! How many more does he need? Pregnancy and childbirth/or abortion in the case of a condom break are far riskier. Why is it that men get all the bodily autonomy and women have none, having to take ALL the risks?

@KimberleyClark I wouldn't know... but we now have a beautiful 6 month old DD, thanks to ICSI - oh and about £10,000.

This is such a tough one, as it is his body and he has every right not to have one.

However, I really feel for you and in your position I would want him to get the snip.
Like you, I can’t take hormonal contraceptives. I had a terrible time in my twenties and would never touch them again, my mental health was damaged for years after. I did have a copper coil (before having kids). I wouldn’t have the mirena as it contained hormones too. The copper one was…okay. I had very very heavy periods. I’m talking super plus tampons and sanitary towels needed and the tampons needed changing every few hours. They were also very painful. This isn’t the case for everyone of course, but was my experience. Was worth it tho as we did want kids and it was basically one of my only contraceptive options.

I didn’t want one again after we had kids tho, and thankfully dh had a vasectomy. We used condoms for a while, but had a few scares, and that was just terrifying, as I know 100% I don’t want more children, but the thought of termination is horrible for me to contemplate, and is a decision I never want to have to make. So I really feel for you, as I totally understand your position of wanting him to get the snip. I know we both feel so much better now we know we’re pretty much 100% safe.

it’s such a hard one. I think you need a really calm yet frank sit down with your husband to spell it out to him. It’s unreasonable for him to expect you to take a pill daily which affects your quality of life, when he could have discomfort for a few days and then be completely fine (I know there is a chance of complications but they are very rare). It’s honestly such a tiny operation. My husband had it done at the local doctors surgery and was in and out in about 15 minutes!

I hope you can get him to see that, if he wants your sex life to continue, he needs to really consider doing this, as it isn’t fair for it all to be on you

If you're not willing to get tubal litigation then YABU to expect him to have a vasectomy.

The benefit of you getting your tubes tied is that if/when you split up, you won't have to worry about getting pregnant with a new partner.

Just use condoms and the cap?

@CatsandFish Condoms are effective if used properly and can also be used with avoiding fertile times. Either don't have PIV at all, or avoid your fertile times. No need for anyone to be taking drugs or having permanent surgical procedures which they may regret later on. It really isn't that difficult. Why are you acting like OP has no choice but to have sex and risk pregnancy?

What if, god forbid, anything happened to any of his existing children? You are being deliberately obtuse about why people may come to regret sterilisation or choose to have more children.

I would just come off everything and explain that you have taken responsibility for child bearing and contraception but now it's his turn and you'll be abstaining until he provides a method of contraception you're happy with.

Condoms are unreliable.

👏👏👏

Yep!!

We made the decision jointly not to have any more kids because it's what is best for all of us.
My current needs trump an imaginary future partner.
Nobody should be pushed into a procedure that they don't want, but this is absolutely not a reasonable excuse.

Indeed.

@Dotjones She has gone through pregnancy and childbirth as well as miscarriages. Why the bloody hell should should have to go through yet another surgery, as well? Stop being a handmaiden, YABU to expect the OP to go through more surgery when the her partner has gone through ZERO. It's well past his time to step up.

If he is not willing to go through a vasectomy, it is unreasonable of him to expect the OP to go through pregnancy and childbirth. All men should be willing to go through a vasectomy or not be allowed to become fathers imo.

@Kabalagala what if OP were to die, or they were to split up and he wanted more children but couldn't?

That’s why I suggest she ask him if he ever sees him wanting or having more children and then take it from there?

If he isn’t 100% sure that he doesn’t want more children then he’s well within his right to not have a vasectomy.

My husband was 38 when he had his done and he was adamant he would not want any more children. He said even if he and I were ever to break up he would not want more children with someone else in the future. He was very sure of this which is why having a vasectomy wasn’t an issue for him.

If OP’s husband is adamant that he doesn’t want more children then for the sake of his wife and for his share on responsibility then he should have the vasectomy.

@TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael well as the OP wants to force her husband to have surgery why isn't she considering it herself? Women don't want to be forced to go through abortions but there are so many comments on here suggesting this man shouldn't be able to refuse surgery on himself. It is completely unethical and morally wrong to say he should have to do it if the other party isn't willing to consider other options either.

Hi @lawandgin im glad you have you DD. I also have a 6 month old! I guess it’s hard for me personally to worry about me and DP slitting up and him potentially having a child with someone else. Also if I died and he wanted babies with someone else- I’d haunt him- if I’m dead then he better be miserable.
I’m joking, yeah I see where your coming from, I’d not force him, it would always be his own choice. Thank you for your perspective xx

The idea that the OP, or any women, should be prioritising some fictitious future women and her wish for children, over her own health and well-being - is laughable.

Indeed, fuck her! 😂

You are being ridiculous. Condoms have a high failure rate. Also fertility time isn't always reliable. It's unacceptable. By pushing condoms you are still suggesting the OP take that risk. A vasectomy is the safest form of contraception and most reliable, and it's well past time the OP's selfish partner stepped up to the plate.

I would! Definitely and option. I just saw vasectomy’s as a more common thing, I mean you don’t see women having their tube tied as commonly as you see vasectomy’s. If he decides it’s not for him I’d probably test out coils/implants if not then look into permanent solutions for me.

@hotteaandcrumpets The other party ALREADY HAS had surgery and taken the risks. OP's partner has taken ZERO RISKS. Time for him to step up, it's unconscionable having such internalised misogyny and saying the OP should have ALL the risks and ALL the surgery.

It's difficult OP, I also had to come off hormonal contraceptives due to migraines, even the mirena which apparently has very low hormones and doesn't get into the bloodstream was awful for me. My husband doesnt think we have enough sex to justify a vasectomy. So we are using condoms but not ideal however I cant imagine forcing him to get it and then how I'd feel if something went wrong.

The options are:
No sex
Condoms and then maybe backed up with no sex at risky times of the month
Vasectomy

I am aware as well that if I did get pregnant and have a termination (as I really really cant go through with another pregnancy) I think the resentment on my part would negatively affect our relationship

Great, you're caving again and going to let him get away with being a selfish ahole. You, have already taken on more than your share. Tell him it's either the snip, or no sex. Don't let him get away with being selfish and lazy. Don't even consider doing anything to yourself. You've done more than your fair share of risks. How can you even look him in the eye if he won't do this for you, after all you've been through!

@Foreveranxious22 thank you, we are so lucky, but it hasn't been a picnic! Your reply made me laugh, totally get the haunting thing 😂 jokes aside though, it's not nice to think about horribly possibilities, I get that. But vasectomy is often banded about as an easy and simple solution, when really it's only this if a man is absolutely sure he wouldn't want more children- no matter the circumstances.

I dont think getting your tubes tied are an option, if he wont have a quick minor procedure then you shouldn't be taking the responsibility for this and having a much more serious and complex operation with many more potential side effects and a longer recover time, just because he is 'a bit squeamish'

@CatsandFish stop acting like PIV is mandatory 😂

@RedAppleGirl I'd rather be called "unpleasant" than be an apologist for pathetic men. And I see your views are massively influenced by your own personal situation - nice drip feed later there - but you shouldn't conflate that with the much more common situation of vasectomy being the best option for many, many couples. Including the OP and her selfish, weak, pathetic husband.