To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Or discuss it like grownups without blackmailing him into a vasectomy by withholding sex?

Just urgh.

Coils hurt. I had ten years of Mirena and then a copper. They hurt to have in, they hurt to have out and they don’t routinely offer pain relief on the NHS. I was told no. They made my periods agony as it felt like it was cramping around them each month. I did stop bleeding pretty much though. The last coil went missing and I had to wait 14 months for an appointment to have it out in the hospital, while using secondary contraception. The doctor found it and didn’t tell me so yanked it out without warning as he believed that to be kinder than warning me. It was agony.

And that was a largely successful experience of coils. 🤷‍♀️

I would say to him it’s condoms or no sex. Those are the options.

It's all over and done with in 15 mins. Does he want to take the chance of having a third kiddie? If you really dont and he really doesn't, then masturbation would be about it unless there's anything else you both like that won't lead to pregnancy.

Oh bloody hell that sounds horrendous @Herejustforthisone. Never thought about it ever getting lost 😭 I was more worried my gp would dismiss any feelings I had about it affecting my mental health as she tried to do this to me with my last pill. Her words where something around “of course the pill doesn’t cause depression, how silly of you to suggest this” it bloody does for me.
Tried to make me keep persisting with it for three more months yet I didn’t even want to get out of bed some days. I stopped it myself when I realised I had got that that point.

Sounds like you need to change GPs.

Tell me about it! Sadly where I live there’s very few to choose from. Feel like I ring for an appointment and if I’m lucky enough to get kne it’ll be over the phone and last about 2 mins 😩

Why are men not wanting to being called selfish. It's taking away their ability to have children altogether. Yes pregnancy can be difficult, as can miscarriage I'm sure, but taking away someone's fertility is a big big ask

We're talking about men who no longer want children. Hence the reason for the vasectomy. That's the whole the point of a vasectomy. You don't want any more children.

Minds can change, relationships can fail....

Well that's just too bad isn't it. If we all took that line, we'd never make any decisions.

I couldn’t have sex with a man too selfish to do his duty and get a vasectomy when the time comes. All the middle-aged couples I know have done that. When it’s time, and you don’t want any more kids, the man steps up and does his part for the family. It’s a far easier procedure for men than any of the alternatives with fewer side effects.

Why couldn't you do "your duty" (bleugh) and have your tubes tied?

For the many reasons already outlined in this thread, in black and white, for all to read.

Vasectomy is a much, much simpler procedure.

And the woman has carried the ENTIRE contraceptive load, so now it’s time for the man to do his (very small) bit.

She did her duty by carrying his children and birthing them. It's his duty to get a vasectomy that is infinitely safer than having tubes tied, or childbirth.

Incredible that it needs explaining.

Is there a reason you aren't married op?
I wouldn't be ending my fertility for someone I wasn't married to at the very least.

I’ve had two Mirena coils and they were both a nightmare for different reasons:

Coil 1:

Was uncomfortable, but bearable, to have it inserted but then 6 weeks later my strings disappeared. I was sent off for an ultrasound scan and they said said they coil was still in there but it had migrated upwards and the strings had followed. I was told it wouldn’t be a problem until I wanted the coil removed.

When I did go and get it removed I explained to the GP that my strings were actually in my womb and she used a device that I can only describe as a mini mascara brush that she inserted through my cervix and then started twisting it around in the hope that of its claws/hooks would catch one of the strings and allow for removal. It hurt so much, it was just awful.

Sadly the technique didn’t work and I had to be referred to a specialist clinic to have it removed by a gynaecologist with my legs in stirrups and a light shining between my legs. The procedure used was excruciatingly painful, I was in tears, and it was so degrading. The whole process of first going to my GP to get it removed to it actually being removed took about 5-6 months.

Coil 2.

About a year or so after the birth of my first baby I decided to have another coil because I can’t take any form of hormonal contraceptive. I was absolutely dreading and the insertion was so, so painful that I was squeezing the nurse’s hand and had tears in my eyes as the doctor basically shoved it inside me.

Whereas with my first coil my periods had pretty much disappeared (one good point) when I had my second coil I bled almost every day for about 8 months. I kept being told it was “normal” and after about 9 months I’d had enough and asked my GP to remove it who just kept brushing me off. In the end I just lied and said me and DH wanted to TTC and that’s what made them agree to remove it.

Thank God it’s removal was very very quick and straightforward.

After my second baby my husband offered to go and get vasectomy as I’d had two tough pregnancies, two caesareans and two very awful experiences of contraception and he said he didn’t want to put me through anything else.

I have extremely heavy periods and anaemia and the doctors just keep pushing for me to have a Coil but I have said point blank that I will never have one of those again.

For some women they are amazing, in fact
my first one was perfect until it came to removing it, but they also come with their own sets of problems.

Your husband sounds lovely, @CrushingAndClueless

“D” H? Because he won’t have an operation you’re trying to force him to do?

Decent female partners would let their male partner make up their own mind before mutilating their bodies with potential, very common side effects.

He is ❤️

When he first told me he was getting it done he sent me a text message saying, “Guess what I’m getting done next week?”

I replied and said, “What?”

….and he sent me back a photo of a pair of scissors.

I asked him if he was getting a hair cut and he said, “I’m getting something cut but it’s not my hair” 😂

The whole build up was quite funny actually as 1 hour prior to the procedure the men have to cover their scrotum with Emla cream (numbing cream) ready for the injection and I had him lying on the living room floor, his fully shaven penis and testicles out, applying this lotion to him and then trying to put all the sticky dressings on him. We were in fits of giggles because it was so surreal and hilarious…..the cream was going everywhere, the dressings kept sliding off, I could barely see for the tears in my eyes etc 😂

Our eldest son, who was about 4 years old at the time was standing over us very bemused by the whole thing and he said, “Is daddy having his testicles taken out?” and it just made the situation even funnier. I doubt my husband found the suggestion quite as entertaining as I did though 😂

Absolutely agree - and decent men do make up their own minds! That’s the great thing about decent men.

You can ramp up the drama all you want with you use of ‘mutilation’ and ‘very common side effects’.

But that’s easily ignorable, as it’s not based in reality.

It IS if it’s to force someone to do what you want them to do. It’s manipulation.

Or is it only abuse if it’s done by a man?

I totally support both partners having autonomy over their own bodies - his not to have a vasectomy and yours not to have hormonal contraception or another pregnancy. So I'd make it clear you will respect his so long as he respects yours - but that you have had all the grief so far so now it is his turn to take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that you don't get pregnant and that if he can't come up with a workable solution its no PIV

I'm being sterilised. GP referred me after I asked and funding was agreed at panel with no question.
I'm not getting on with hormone contraception.

I've had my consultation, signed the consent forms and had pre op last week. Now waiting for the date for the procedure with will be done within the next 3 months.

20 min op under GA. A friend had it done last year and was in and out within 4 hours. Mild cramping/aching for a few days after but manageable with paracetamol.
Every procedure carries risks.

I wouldn't ask my partner to have a vasectomy. In case anything happened later and he wanted to start a family with someone else.

My body, my choice. Same as them.