To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

If anyone even cares, or actually reads what has been said previously without posting their uneducated option on other peoples threads, my DP is going to speak the the GP and see if it’s for him. It’ll probably be over the phone so I’m going to listen in. If it doesn’t fit with us then he won’t get one. Next step I’ll looking into the affects of the coil on mental health. If that’s a no then I will get sterilised. Thought I liked mumsnet until I posted this. Honestly I’m blown away by some of the ignorant and hurtful comments some people feel that it‘s appropriate to say. I’m not a troll. Just a person who was struggling to find some guidance IRL so come to ask a wider audience.

Thank you

Wow op, sorry I thought it was obvious I wasn't directing my post (apart from yabu bit) at you, but all that stuff is usually what gets trotted out by people on these sorts of threads (and indeed has!)

bit surprised out of all the shitty comments you've had you lash out at mine which was pretty mild and not attacking you personally at all, I thought anyway.

Good luck to you hope it all works out either way.

Point still stands. You offered and that’s fine. If he’d offered that would be fine too but he didn’t. I think you came at it wrong from the outset. The ‘I will stay on this until you get a vasectomy’. I can’t help but feel like the responses would be massively different if he had said something along those lines. Something like ‘I’ll continue to use condoms till you get your tubes tied’. That would cause uproar yet there’s other posters - not you - saying things like “he wouldn’t be my husband” or “I wouldn’t sleep with him till it was done” etc.

Can you imagine the slagging men would get over on the feminism boards for saying that stuff if the sexes were reversed?

Probably due to the fact I took the first 200 comments with a pinch of salt and agreed people should have their own opinion.
Then I got pissed off of saying the same thing over and over again and having to defend my name.

He did offer when he thought I was pregnant . Then when I wasnt and went on the pill he changed his mind. Hence the post. Sorry I got defensive and people saying I should leave my partner of 10+ years. I know him, I don’t know you lot.

Mumsnet is a discussion board, so lots of people posting and discussion evolves, people reply to others directly or to the 'general' opinion (which, when it comes to vasectomies seems to be the man just needs to stop being a wimp, needs sex withholding until he gives in, should do it because the woman has had the kids despite the fact that there's a biological reason the man can't "do his bit" in that respect)

As I say, I thought it was obvious I was responding generally, but I am sorry it didn't come across that way

I’m not saying you should leave him. There are replies on here telling you that and I don’t agree with that either. My post wasn’t even completely at you when I said I don’t agree with forcing people into surgery. There’s a fair few replies encouraging that too.

Mumsnet is a discussion board, so lots of people posting and discussion evolves, people reply to others directly or to the 'general' opinion (which, when it comes to vasectomies seems to be the man just needs to stop being a wimp, needs sex withholding until he gives in, should do it because the woman has had the kids despite the fact that there's a biological reason the man can't "do his bit" in that respect)

and the fact the woman has the kids for both of them, not just him - and what about couples childfree by choice - is it still incumbent on the man to have a vasectomy if the woman decides she doesn’t want to use hormonal contraception any more?

So you will undergo a dangerous op with general anaesthetic, and put yourself at risk, yet again, for him? And you wonder why people are saying you're being played/caving to him? Why not stand your ground and refuse because you've already done more than your part, why let him off the hook? Whatever you do, don't mention to him you being sterilised, because then he will know he can get out of the vasectomy by knowing you'll do it to yourself, so he won't have to. If he thinks you're thinking of being sterilised, he will automatically reject the vasectomy and you know he'll let you take the risk of the op, so don't let him know you're thinking about it.

Does it matter how long you've been with him? It's like the sunken cost fallacy. It doesn't matter if it's 10 years or 10 months. If he doesn't respect you, and he clearly doesn't, then imo he's not worthy of you.

The point -missing here really is quite remarkable.

Once again: decent men do not need to be called ‘weak and pathetic’ as a means of convincing them to do anything.

They do not need to be convinced! That’s the entire point.

There are two types of men when it comes to this issue.

1. The ones who recognise it’s their turn to carry some of the load, who love their wives/partners, and who want to do their bit. And do it.

1. The ones who don’t want to step up, who want to opt out, who watch their partner carry the entire contraceptive load, go through multiple pregnancies, (sometimes multiple) miscarriage/s, multiple childbirth; who’s mental health suffers - but they don’t think they’re obliged to do a single thing. Oh, but they definitely do expect to continue to be able to have PIV sex.

The only ‘man bashing’ happens when dealing with the second type of ‘man’. And they deserve it.

My DF told me, when I was a young teenager, that a vasectomy is the least a man can do.

My DH suggested it when we’d had our two, and went off and did it.

All my good friends’ DHs have had it done.

These are good, decent, loving men, taking responsibility and doing the right thing.

Please show me where any of these men have been bashed?

And forgive me for being completely 🙄 at anyone whose argument on this issue boils down to ‘won’t someone thinking of his future partner’.

Seriously laughable.

Or 3. Men who have wives who understand biology, and that its not their fault they don't have a uterus to carry a child themselves and respect them enough to not want to guilt/force/shame them into getting a medical procedure they don't want, for whatever reason.

Dont get me wrong, if the bloke doesn't want to use condoms then they can piss right off as that's an easy solution coupled with timing of cycles etc 😬 but all this "do their bit" is pretty unfair.

I'm pro choice so I guess I'm applying that to bodily autonomy for men too

This is once again missing the point.

I’m NOT talking about ‘guilting / forcing / shaming’ anyone.

I’m talking about the difference between decent men and selfish, weak men.

All this ‘bodily autonomy’ for men - by insisting on their bodily autonomy, they force women to compromise theirs. To take the hit. To carry 100% of the load. While they do nothing.

It’s OK to think this is completely unacceptable.

‘Understanding biology’ is such a ridiculous argument.

My DH (let alone me) understands biology. He understands I’m the only one who can do all the heavy lifting of pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth and breastfeeding….

So - because of this - he wants to do the small thing he can do, to make up for me doing everything else. Because of - that’s right - my biology.

but all this "do their bit" is pretty unfair.

’Unfair’.

Please. How on earth is it ‘unfair’? The woman has literally done everything up to the point of the vasectomy discussion. Everything.

Christ, the level of sub-standard man apologism
on this thread is boggling.

It might not be their fault they can't carry a child. But it sure is their fault I can.
Condoms and natural family planning have much higher failure rates than vasectomy.
Women take ALL the physical risk with ANY other method of birth control. It is selfish of a man to refuse.
He's scared of side effects? Imaginary new woman might want kids? Big whoop. I didn't like the 20 stitches and prolapse dc3 gave me. I didn't like the 6 stitches I needed because my implant migrated.
A 10 minute procedure a weeks recovery is the least he can do. We share the load in my relationship.

I watched my husband's vasectomy is really straightforward and he was at work the next day. Not because I didn't trust him btw I was reading my book in the waiting room and they said to come in 😃

And to be quite clear - your third category of man falls into my second category. And that’s the harsh truth.

There literally are two categories of men on this topic. The decent ones, and the selfish, weak ones.

There is no other option. And again, I’m sorry for those women stuck defending the latter group.

Wow so were ok with slating people for not wanting a medical procedure? That's what it boils down to, all the other stuff is irrelevant to that....OR could be indicative of a bigger issue in a relationship (or indeed with the man!)

Fwiw I'm absolutely not a man apologist or defending feckless men, but I will defend a man's, and therefore a womans, right to choose what medical procedures they have and not be hauled over the coals for it. Or are we now okeith the god awful shaming that goes on when a woman admits she doesn't have smear tests? ("Won't you think of your children, do you want to leave them motherless" type shite)

I'm looking at it simplistically, because it IS that simple, it has to be - people have to have the right to choose what happens to their own body and not feel pressured or guilty because of THAT decision. I reckon there's other issues going on in a relationship if that causes so much ill feeling.

But, shamed etc for refusing a vasectomy but moan about condoms for eg - yea fuck right off sunshine

To be clear, I don't mean its unfair on the poor men, I mean its quite literally unfair to use that argument. Because men cannot carry children, so using the argument that the woman has is totally irrelevant

Even if he is happy to wear a condom?

@Foreveranxious22

You may have missed my reply on having the coil when I have poor mental health - seems this thread has gone a bit … odd!

So posting it again and tagging you in the hope that it’s helpful.

I have poor mental health and can’t use hormonal contraceptives because of this. I’ve been using the Copper Coil (which is non-hormonal) for coming up to 12yrs now and had no issues with it. They last 5 or 10yrs (you choose) and when my last one ‘expired’ they fitted the new one at the same time as taking the old one out. Then you just forget about it!

I do have heavy periods, but that was the case since I had kids anyway so is the norm for me and is perfectly manageable.

In your situation I’d give it a try.

Again - missing the point.

It is not about ‘shaming’ or ‘forcing’ anyone.

The only reason I can think of as to why some people keeping missing this point is because they have a partner they would have to ‘shame’ or ‘force’.

Decent men do not need to be ‘shamed’ or ‘forced’. They want to do it.

This is the difference between the two types of men.

One lot want to do it, think it’s only fair that they do their tiny little bit, when compared with what their partner has done.

The other lot opt out, compromise their partner’s bodily autonomy, and don’t carry ^any* of the load.

There is no ‘shaming’ or ‘forcing’ when it comes to decent men, who think it’s only fair that they do their small bit to make up for a woman’s biology.

Clearly all the men who get vasectomies disagree with you on this point.

Oh that’s interesting thank you! I will definitely look into the coil. Sorry I must of missed you comment.
Yeah it has gone a bit barmy, hasn’t it 😬🤦🏼‍♀️ @Rinoachicken