To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

As I’ve already mentioned this can only be done in the course of IVF/ICSI. You can’t just rock up to the GP and ask to have some sperm removed.

And some men make anti-sperm antibodies after a vasectomy so even ICSI/IVF/reversal will afil

fail

Female sterilisation involves a serious amount of anaesthesia either general
or maybe spinal ( not sure how many done under spinal these days if not part of planned c-section). General Anaesthesias are high risk and spinal for some people can be really debilitating for 2-3 days with serious headaches that need treatment. You’ll need 4-5 days off work minimum. Sterilisation in men is a local anaesthetic- very low risk and 1-2 days off work. Even then they’d probably be able to wfh on day 2 as mostly it’s swelling in the scrotam . For women it will be anaesthesia affecting all the body and brain

For women an incision needs to be made through the abdomen- no matter how small that carries risk of infection and adhesions (particularly, if like me you’ve already got a mess of adhesions from c-sections. There is also the risk of nicking or damage to other organs in pelvis - small but does happen . For men a small incision is made in external scrotam. There is no other organs to damage, no pelvis tissues that are particularly susceptible to adhesions. yes, there is a small risk of infection still- but the risk is much lower and less potential for extreme infections that go undetected until serious, than that with women

female serialisation is linked with a slightly raised risk of ectopic pregnancy. That is life threatening.

Major complications with vasectomisie are rare - you hear about the failures and not the many trouble free procedures

male sterilisation can theoretically be reversed depending on technique. Woman’s can’t.

women sterilisation is more expensive. Becuase it needs a skilled surgeon and general anaesthetic with anaesthetist and theatre staff, and recovery time on ward even as day case. Unless you are opened up with planned c-section it is something you’d have to persuade GP to do based on your partner opting out of taking responsibility . I think vasectomies cost NHS around £500, whilst female sterilisation is £4000 ish, say10 times more.

Yabu

We need to be able to have autonomy over our bodies, and not feel pressured, guilt tripped or shamed into having procedures or things done that we don't want, whatever the reason.

I'm done with kids, don't want the pill/coil etc. I haven't used the old "I've done my part having kids" guilt trip because that just makes no sense. I don't want to get sterilised, he doesn't want a vasectomy (and we both know men who have had life long complications as a result.)

We use condoms and ovulation tracking and its worked for the last 10 years

I deduced it from, ”did she appreciate it? No.”

Just seemed oddly snippy if it’s about someone you don’t dislike, especially as you’re trying to get it reversed so you can have kids, and you say your partner did it for his ex wife. It stands to reason there’s be ill-feeling. Especially as she apparently didn’t ‘appreciate’ it.

female serialisation is linked with a slightly raised risk of ectopic pregnancy. That is life threatening.

The preferred method nowadays is full bilateral salpingectomy i.e total removal of the tubes, which I would have thought carries zero risk of ectopic.

I’m a little disconcerted that the OP is being criticised for not respecting his bodily autonomy by asking him to have a vasectomy, but also being called abusive for potentially withholding sex when he refuses m, and she’s had enough of impacting her own health with pregnancies, miscarriages and contraception.

Refusing to have or 'witholding' have sex is not abusive. He is not entitled to use your body to ejaculate into.

The health authority in my area do not fund female sterilisation. I pushed hard as a 35 year old woman with two children and they said no. Repeatedly.

Current partner had the snip (six weeks from referral to op, same health authority). Took about twenty minutes, no stitches whatsoever and he was uncomfortable for a couple of days, mostly from the tight pants he had to wear.

If you both want sex with little risk of babies, its condoms or the snip. Squeamish doesn't excuse him. You and your body have done enough.

It’s surely discriminatory for health authorities not to fund female sterilisation and refuse women the same opportunity to take control and responsibility for their fertility as men.

He's being unreasonable. I had 3 coils over the years as hormonal contraception messed me up. However, it was MASSIVELY painful both being put in and taken out as i have a tilted uterus and apparently, as the doctor said, a very tight cervix!

After the last time i refused to have any more fitted. We both hate condoms.

Dh took forever to book a vasectomy, we ended up with a baby. Day after positive test he booked his vasectomy!!

He did find it painful and took him a good month to feel back to normal, but no sympathy from me. Coils being fitted, csection and vaginal births, plus a painful disabilitydue to a bad pregnancyand birth - he just had to get on with it. I was done.

He now loves it as neither of us have to worry.

You'd think so, but it all boils down to cost. Female sterilisation costs more.

They give no shits about removing our choices or subjecting us to abortions/hormonal contraception/unwanted children. Its all about money.

God bless this Tory government.

Just tell him your vagina is taking a sabatical at a convent.

This will continue indefinitely. He has two options;

1. vasectomy
2. Becoming a Transwoman (full surgery + hormones+ wearing a dress to work)

So nothing but implication. They divorced 3-4yrs post surgery. The vasectomy is his only regret. The relationships across the new step family is perfect.

Snippy, you and others have been nothing but snippy.
Just to add the cost of reversal is around about the same cost as female sterilisation.
It's open surgery, with minimum 6 weeks off work, Dp took 12 weeks off. There has been a few complications post op. Test have proven the op has been a success.

I'll repeat I have every sympathy with the ops predicament. What I don't like is the bullying and man bashing.

Yes I was advised to have both tubes removed which reduced that risk plus I was also told this might reduce the risk of ovarian cancer later in life as they think some cancers might originate from them.

I didn't think they did these anymore but did PESA or TESA procedures instead.

Which part are you referring to.
Reversals are done privately.
PESA, TESA, is part of the fertility umbrella procedure. These are also private procedures for those with children.

The relationships across the new step family is perfect.

Ok. Not sure why you mentioned that she apparently didn’t appreciate his efforts by getting a vasectomy then, but ok. You obviously all get on like a house on fire…

snippy

The one person who should be snippy, is the OP’s husband. By having the vasectomy he said he’d have.

Why on earth did he need 12 weeks off!

Who’s taking his body autonomy? Do you see me dragging him to the hospital and holding him down while they cut his scrotum?
Throughout this post I’ve been told I have no self respect cos I’m not threatening him to have one. and then you coming at me saying I’m taking his body autonomy. If your going to comment I think you need to at least give what I have posted a read.

At what point did I say ‘I’d done my part’? I offered an insight into our journey to parenthood. Never did I guilt trip him.
I read most of these comments with an open mind. Never did I expect to get attacked with hypothetical future women wanting his babies, or my potential death on my part and even my childrens potential death and ensuring we have the ability to pop more kids out if that happens. I’ve been told I have no self respect as I said I would never force my partner to have on and ive been told to withhold sex or even leave him if he won’t get a vasectomy.
I asked for peoples personal opinions on the matter, not to have myself slated or my relationship dragged through the mud.
Would just love to know if some of you would say some of these IRL to people. Some of you need your heads wobbling.

Because he had open surgery with 2 3-inch incisions on his pubic region on either side. He has a business that includes extremely heavy lifting and mobility.
Plus the op coincided with a 2-3 week holiday in the end.

The surgeon was very specific with his instructions due to the nature of his business. If you damage the internal sutures the op will fail. Post-op was fine, although 2 weeks ago a blood vessel burst and the whole area turned blue.
I know he says the wound is still sore, so he's not ready to resume gym or running yet.

I don’t believe in forcing someone into surgery sorry. I don’t take hormonal contraceptives either but there are other options either of you can use. How would you react if he asked you to get sterilised?

women take the burden and risks of birth control and pregnancy for years. When a couple is done procreating, the man needs to take his turn. the female birth control options are higher risk than a vasectomy. A man who wants you to continue to take those risks should be a massive turn-off.

God lord. Read what I have put. Who is forcing anyone? I have said I would get sterilised. Don’t comment on a thread without reading it all.

OP are you certain he's 100% done?

How would you both react if you found out you were pregnant again?