MIL dropping hints about moving in.

[HappyDays40]

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

Unfortunately some (usually the older person) people won't discuss what they may or may not need in the future. My mother wouldn't hear of it, even in her mid 80s.
I was concerned for her as l lived 100 miles away, and l spent one of my days off driving there and back to check on her.
If l phoned her, she'd say (like OP's mil) "I can't talk to you" and put the phone down on me.
I suggested sheltered housing which was two streets away from where she lived, so wouldn't have been uprooting her miles from home, and she knew people who lived there. Shut me down as soon as l mentioned it and refused to talk about it.
She died at home, so it became immaterial, though.

I'm single, in my mid 60s, still working (due to not having my state pension yet) but l have some health issues which are going to get worse as time goes on.
I'm planning to (hopefully) move to sheltered accommodation in a couple of years, I have friends but no one who actually lives within 50 miles of me.

I'm thinking that if l plan the move now, hopefully things will work out, I can live independently but there will be the social aspect and a warden, should l feel l need them at some point.

I really hope you can find a solution, OP. Please don't be bullied or badgered into agreeing to have your MIL live with you, it doesn't sound like it would be the best for any of you.

In my experience @Izzy24 no they wouldn't. If the MIL is likely to need paid for care, it would be a very unwise to move her MIL into her home. Only when they are at absolute breaking point, and way past the point of needing help, would the LA pay for care. It's much more likely to be funded if the MIL is living alone and struggling, and eveb then it's difficult.

It's extraordinary that someone can get to 94 and not have a conversation with her son, who must be 50ish at least, over where to live when her health declines.

Trust me, conversations before the fact often count for nothing when the time comes.
My mum had a terrible time when my gran came to live with us when I was a child. Her dementia was a disaster for all of us as well as her. She managed to set the kitchen on fire, for instance, and would walk through the house naked when we had visitors.
So for all our adult lives my mum had said that we were never to take her in when she got old, as she wouldn't wish that on anyone and didn't want to be a burden.

Fast forward to her being debilitated by a massive stroke (though not at all cognitively affected, just physically) and it was another story. She was determined to move into my brother's tiny bungalow. Despite there not being any room to manoeuvre her electric wheelchair, or for the electric hoist she'd need in a bedroom, and him having the tiniest bathroom I've ever seen.

It was a nightmare. She was so angry, and had never forgiven him for not telling her in. Even though every professional dealing with her told her that it was impossible in every practical way. Oh, and she's always loathed his wife, yet wanted to live with her!

So yes, don't put any faith in conversations had when all is fine.

You said you've discussed this with DH but not what his view actually is about her moving in?

Clearly it's best if you're together on this, but while MIL may be upset the answer to that isn't to upset everyone and everything else to placate her

It may be that ressidential care will be the only solution, but if her living with you isn't an option it would be kinder in the long run to make that very clear now so that she can come to terms with it

@Blossomtoes yes was a minor celebrity very charming and he had multiple wives and fathered multiple children well into old age. My mother was the second to last wife, there is a brother even younger than me.

Its not that unusual, my friend aged 41 mother is aged 80, and his father (if he was alive) would be about the same age as my late father.

It happens. Yes most people have children at a certain age, but woman are sometimes able to birth children up to their mid forties and men are still able to father children in their seventies/eighties and beyond.

Cannot understand the pearly clutching reaction to those of us with older parents 😂

OP’s MIL doesn’t need this level of care, yet or perhaps never at all. 24/7 care, help with ablutions and feeding, administration of medicines etc - none of this is cited by OP and it may never come to pass. Where are people seeing all this?

My DGF lived with us for the last two years of his life, almost until he died. There was a 6month ish period at the end where my dad helped him bathe and my mum cooked easier-to-eat food for him. We kids had the job of filling up his pill box once a week, and laying his pills out before each meal. He would sit in his chair, read the paper (until he couldn’t), listen to the radio, sleep. He could shuffle to and from the loo by himself, but he couldn’t see well and it wasn’t nice. We managed. He died peacefully in his sleep, in a nursing home which he had been in for two weeks because he had become fecally incontinent and needed round-the-clock help and supervision to breathe. We knew the end was in sight. It wasn’t pleasant for any of us at the end, but this is part of living. We don’t put inconveniences out of sight and visit them a couple of hours a week 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t suggest that adult children become carers 24/7 - how would that even work with having childcare and earning responsibilities, let alone the mental strain? But this isn’t the OP’s situation AT ALL.

It's not mean to be reluctant or outright discount all living together. It is a massive commitment and as other poster have pointed it will impact on the child. Although she is 94 there is nothing to suggest she is particularly unwell so she may live for another decade or more even. I think an open and honest conversation is the best way forward. It's no good her making a decision to sell based on false hope of living with you all.

@saraclara your mum sounds like my mum. She swore black and blue though she had chronic ill health that she didn’t want us to be her carers “ as you don’t have children to be your carers, they have to live their own lives”, but as soon as her health issues required care, we were drafted in and lost huge chunks of our life caring for her.

Older people often forget their previous strongly held views and instructions when the reality of at home help and rest homes becomes closer.

I agree, both my aunts who moved to be near their children died within a short period of moving.

You may have been through it but I can assure you that my MIL's at-home care was paid for. The only care she paid for was her last few weeks in a care home. And she owned her home. it obviously depends where you live.

What I don't know is the situation if the person needing care lives with others, although from what I understand it varies on area as well.

She’s now trying to manipulate you. She refuses to consider any other option and isn’t listening to your reasons why moving in with you won’t work. It’s a difficult time for you all and I sympathise but don’t be guilt tripped. Can DH call in during the week and let her stay every other weekend. Or suggest she buys something closer to you

That's why it's important to get it down in writing, such as Power Of Attorney.

My mum is 92 and I have 2.5 year old twins!
She was 42 having me and I was 47 having my twins.

But the main thing I think that is getting missed here is that the OP and her DH do not own their home and are living somewhere while friends are overseas. How can they possibly commit to take someone else to live with them? And they can't make any necessary adaptations.

@Suemademedoit

”I wouldn’t suggest that adult children become carers 24/7 - how would that even work with having childcare and earning responsibilities, let alone the mental strain? But this isn’t the OP’s situation AT ALL.”

Ah, but it is. OP works full time, she has a six year old, her house isn’t owned it’s rented. Did you not read her posts?

Your opinion is based on your experience of watching your parents care for your GP, which having also had that experience but also twice had to be a full time carer for years, the two can not be remotely compared. I did not grasp of the reality of being a carer until I did it myself. And no one, and I mean no one should have to, or be obliged to care for someone when there are alternatives available and op isn’t the only option available.

your dh needs to take charge here, ideally with your support.

You don't own your own home and can't do modifications, so that can make the moving in idea a non-starter

I would be trying to persuade her towards care home - she might be just about coping right now but at her age things could go downhill and become difficult, extremely quickly.

I would be steering the conversation towards the benefit of going to a care home (lots of company, doesn't have to do anything for herself unless she wants to etc) rather than why she can't come and live with you

Many years ago an ex colleague of mine had a neighbour in a similar situation. Her husband nagged endlessly until she agreed to let her MIL move in. 3 months later he died suddenly in a car accident. Her MIL completely turned on her, blamed her for his death because he was ‘fetching something for her’ (he wasn’t, it was for the whole family) and it all got very, very messy

Unlikely I know but it does happen

@CatsandFish it is, but sadly you can’t force a parent to set it up. My mother refuses.

That's a fair point actually. People who live long enough not uncommonly outlast their child/ren. Probably less likely when you've had them later in life, as MIL appears to have done, but it's a thing that happens.

Maybe she doesn't need a care home, maybe a retirement flat would be better for her. Are there any nearby? I wouldn't normally recommend them as they are a bit like cars and depreciate and can be difficult to sell on, but worth considering.

Also I checked the in-home care thing, and no, you don't pay if you have your own home but no or little savings: www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/money-work-and-benefits/paying-for-your-own-care-self-funding/

You sound like a lovely and caring DIL

Families are all different, I am 52 next April, my parents will be 73 next May & June. My husband turned 48 in Sept, his Mum just turned 82 last weekend. My husband’s first cousins are in their late 60’s/ early 70’s where my first cousins range from 25 to 50.

Wow. Just wow. It is not your fault that society isn't working but have some compassion. We are childless so don't have the option to ask for help when we are old, frail and scared. I never thought that might be a blessing until I read this thread.

This is what I thought. Which is so nonsensical because IF potential carers knew there would be funded support then some may be able to have their relative in need to live with them.

But that still doesn’t address the issue that others have touched on which is that in many if not most homes there is no one at home on most days because most people are working.

How many chunks of her life did she lose caring for you?
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