MIL dropping hints about moving in.

[HappyDays40]

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

Yes you'd have thought that was obvious, but the LA are experts in ignoring the bleeding obvious imo! It takes a medical emergency or some sort of safeguarding incident in order for them to even assess what care is needed ime.

Are there any retirement apartments or sheltered housing nearby? That would sound like an ideal compromise to me

Apologies if this has already been suggested - Would it be an option to sell both properties, pool resources and buy somewhere suitable for you all? Its something I considered for my fil.

There are a lot of really selfish people on here - none of us wants to be a burden but the reality is many of us will be. That’s old age.

That's not fair. OP is already feeling guilty enough because her MiL has cried on the phone saying that she doesn't love her.

The reality is that in 2022 Britain most people simply do not have lifestyles that can accommodate this.

I would rather lose my independence completely - and I've lived my life as an extremely independent woman so that's a big thing to me - than ever put my DC in this position.

My grandparents felt the same way about my mother. Tragically both outlived her, and the lot of caring for them all fell to me so I speak from experience.

I think the owner of the property OP rents might object to that idea

Aaah didn't clock it was a rental!

@Suemademedoit what situation do you think the OP is in? She has said they have to change their working situation when MIL is visiting them, so they are on hand to help her move around. So how would that work if MIL was living with them permanently?

The reality is that in 2022 Britain most people simply do not have lifestyles that can accommodate this

Indeed

With all the talk about what previous generations did for their parents it's often (conveniently?) ignored that families were often larger, lived closer together and that not so many women worked, little of which matches today's reality

The emotional manipulation isn't pleasant, but along with "I'd NEVER expect my DCs to be carers" it's all too common, and if I had a fiver for each time I've seen that second one "forgotten" I'd be a very rich woman

Lets remember that OP isn't suggesting MIL be left alone and uncared for; she's simply looking at rational solutions that just don't happen to suit MIL - but then none of us can have exactly what we want, exactly as we want it, all the time

How many chunks of her life did she lose caring for you

It is completely different, As children grow, they more capable (we're not talking about children with severe life limiting disabilities here, obviously). It is a finite time and they always "improve".

You cannot compare caring for a small child with caring for an elderly relative.

I can’t understand this horror of the ‘home’. My mother moved into an Abbeyfield a few years after my father died and she was getting isolated as she was unable to drive any longer and she had never been much for friendships. She got on fine there.

I loved it though. The housekeepers ( with one exception out of about twelve ) were so kind and pleasant, they used to offer to feed me if they thought I looked a bit frazzled. My mother wasn’t the worlds easiest person but they managed her very well and they were a great help to me when she was kicking off about something she thought I had not done well enough. I sometimes wished I could move in.

When she had to move with vascular dementia after eleven years to a more intensive care home I thought very highly of them, too. They were very helpful in managing her needs. So I have a high opinion of them, and no dread.

This is a difficult area not least due to the exorbitant costs of elderly care. But surely some posters see the irony of calling the OPs mother selfish and even imply she is being manipulative by crying? Women of this age were broadly denied the opportunities of education, career and independence, or had to juggle any personal ambitions with child rearing and parental care. We owe a huge debt to those women who came before us and who put up with this sort of shit and misogyny to see their daughters have better chances. It is true nowadays (economically) it can be impossible to manage an extended family as the OPs mother hopes but let's not berate the woman for daring to expect some reassurance in her last years. Or blame her because you are currently juggling 'having it all'.

Answer me this - when do 'you' - faced with this possible inconvenience - suddenly become 'them' and the inconvenience? It comes around quicker than you think for most. Hope you have your plans in place and can afford them. Or perhaps vote for major focus and reform in social care before it's you.

94 without constant care is a tremendous achievement. Like others I am astonished there appears to have been no prior conversation or plausible plan and I hope the OP, DH and MIL can have a loving conversation about what's best and possible. Sheltered accom and increased presence sounds like it might work for her. Best of luck op and MIL.

@motherofgodhaudyerwheesht very well said

Who says OP and her DH haven't been trying to have conversations about these issues for years. My FIL used to get in a violent rage if we tried to discuss what would happen with MIL if he was unable to care for her. She is profoundly disabled following a severe stroke paralysed, incontinent, unable to talk read or right and needing to be hoisted in and out of her wheelchair. Unable to do a thing gor herself. Even with 4 care visits a day at 84 it was way to much work for him but he refused to even listen to any suggestions and rejected even a week funded respite care a couple of times a year. Once he was dying we were having to rush around to make arrangements and even then he was refusing to talk. It's not always as easy as it sounds to discuss these things.

@CymruChris Regardless, the OP quite clearly does not want her MIL to move in with them. Rental or otherwise.

You sound pleasant....

The OP likely won't get an inheritance, as it will be swallowed by care home fees!

@motherofgodhaudyerwheesht why shouldn’t OP “have it all”. As you put it? She is allowed her own life, so what if she works and has a child. Why is the spotlight on her?! It’s not even her mother -it’s her husbands mother

Yes swallowed up by the care home in about a month! Someone I know had to leave the employment of one of those "luxury" care homes, as she was so upset by the treatment of the elderly residents.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock I'd say I'm pleasant too thank you. I'd certainly move heaven and earth to help a 94 year old out in her time of need. You sound selfish!

Bottom line - no judgement - facts are DH & OP are not having DM / MIL live with them. MIL will have to source alternative.

My husband is likely (not certain, but likely, given our respective health) to die before me. This is an additional reason his mother is not moving in with us. Imagine the scenario where he ends up in hospital or worse and I end up taking care of HIS mother... no ta.

I'm not the selfish one here, you are and the OP's MIL. Very selfish. And btw I hadn't said my opinion on this, so you clearly jumped the gun out of defensiveness.

As someone said earlier, the LA won't pay if you have funds over a specific amount. Attendance Allowance covers some of the care but if the person has savings, they must fund the difference.

Care is only fully funded regardless of means if it's "end of life" care, ie for someone terminally ill.

@juvi, what would this "moving heaven and earth" look like? The OP and her DH both work. Are you suggesting one of them gives up work? What if they can no longer pay their bills? The OP has mentioned that they rent, and MIL has taken advantage of equity release on their own property, so it doesn't even sound like there's much in the way of resources to pool. Are you suggesting they severely sacrifice the long term financial security of their family, potentially putting themselves in an extremely precarious position, to look after MIL?

Wasn't directed at OP at all. Observation in response to some strident 'manipulative' comments that it is ironic that our generation are seemingly not selfish for wanting a convenient solution (to them) to elderly care that doesn't involve inhome care but that, according to some posters here, the elderly are selfish for hoping for a convenient (to them) solution to be looked after. Probably better to acknowledge everyone selfish to a degree and that all parties need a sensible plan discussed with sensitivity before it's too late. (I know that is not always possible but it can be).