AIBU to think DP is in the wrong here?!

[scige]

Hi all,

First-time poster, longtime lurker. As, I imagine, is the case with many posters, I've felt compelled to write today after a disagreement with my extremely frustrating partner.

I'll try and keep it brief...

DP's sister is getting married next year. DP, DC1 and I are all invited. Fab.

I'm currently pregnant and have since found out that unborn DC2 is not invited to the wedding. All being well, DC2 will be around 3 months old at the time of the wedding; DC1 will be 4 years.

They are not inviting any other children to the wedding but are making an exception for our first child. Not for the second.

I understand that not everyone wants kids at their wedding - totally fine with that - and so I suggested that I don't go and stay with both the children. DP is insisting that DC1 should go and states that if both kids can't go, he'd 'like at least one of them there.' 😐

AIBU for thinking this is not on? How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines? I just think it's so wrong. However, I'm fully aware that pregnancy hormones may well be influencing my perspective so I'm keen to hear some other viewpoints!

Have you discussed with the bride and groom? Seems very odd they’d invite a 4 YO and not a baby - our wedding was the reserve where we said babies could come but not other children. But our 3 YO nephew was an exception.
he should really be saying to his sister that both of your kids should be invited

How on earth have they phrased it so that you know for absolute certain? Did they say you can’t bring the baby! If you can’t then it basically means you can’t go either so I would clarify.

I think you can pick and choose a bit, but tiny babies are the ones you accept.

Most people don’t want a baby at their wedding due to all the potential crying.

Even if you take them out when they start they’ve still interrupted and you’re being a disruption by leaving.

It would be better to just have it child free entirely but they are probably happy with your 4 year old’s behaviour.

There not playing favourites they don’t want babies at there wedding
let DH and DC go

What's the issue with DH and the eldest child going? A three month old is more of a screaming risk tbh. How have they let you know they don't want the youngest there? They've already made an exception for the 4 year old if they don't want children there. The three month old won't even remember it (hardly being sidelined!).

"Obviously DC1's name is invited still but couldn't insert my name leave the baby with her mum for the weekend? We're not having any other kids for a reason.'

Tbh I wouldn't want babies at my wedding and I think even allowing a 4yr old is verrrry generous so in short it depends on your world view who is being unreasonable. That said, suggesting you 'just leave' your baby with your parents is unreasonable.

They are being unreasonable however I would enjoy a chilled weekend with you and the baby and let dp take 4yr old.

Wonder if she wants your older one to be flower girl for the photos??

I do get this, hence why I volunteered to stay with both kids and none of us go to the wedding.

I just don't think it's right that the 'no kids' rule is broken for one child but not for their sibling! DP seems to think otherwise. 🤔

I dont think any of you are BU. I think the question is, will it cause issues with you amd your partner if he is not allowed to take his daughter?

I think the bride and groom are being ind of unfair but it's their wedding.

The baby won't give a hoot about missing a wedding so I'd tell dp to take the 4yo. But I'd be really confused as to why they wanted (frankly] the harder to entertain child there if they would prefer a child free wedding.

At some point they may end up with a 3mo and you can invite them on a childfree break and act faux confused when they (obviously) say they can't leave the baby behind

I think your dp is also the parent so has the right to say dc1 should still go. It’s your sil’s wedding, I’d do as she wants and not push it. Presumably she doesn’t want potential disruption my brother’s speeches were ruined by a screaming baby, god knows why the parent didn’t take it for a walk or something.

DP is insisting that DC1 should go and states that if both kids can't go, he'd 'like at least one of them there.' 😐
Why? Why is it so important to him that his 4 year old accompany him to a wedding?

Why don't you leave the dc2 with your parents or a family member and go?

Babies cry. I wouldn’t want one at my wedding, either. Your 4 year old will enjoy it. I’m not sure what the problem is.

My answer would be ‘no i can’t leave my 3 month old baby for the weekend, I hope you have a great day but I won’t be able to attend.’

then wave DP off with the 4 year old, when they’re older, the baby really won’t care that they weren’t at the wedding and the 4 year old is going to be fairly bored quickly with no other children to play with so your DP will have his hands full

I should imagine they can see that a 4 year old can understand being quiet during the wedding but a baby - obviously - can’t. Having been to several weddings where vows have been drowned out by crying babies whose parents just jiggled them about, smiling round at everyone as if to say “Isn’t this awkward, eh!” rather than removing themselves and their child, I think they’ve probably got a point.

I dont think it's treating them differently so much as recognising a 3 month old's needs are very different from a 4 year old and inviting accordingly.

They should respect that may mean you don't go, but I wouldn't deprive the 4 year old the chance to attend a family event for something (a) the baby has no concept of or capability to enjoy and (b) has been requested most likely put of logistics than a snub

I would just take the weekend off with your baby tbh. I can understand why they wouldn't want the service to be interrupted by all the crying. I'm not sure really why you would want to take a very small baby to a wedding.

The difference in ages does make a difference imo. A 4 yo is expected to behave. Are they also in the bridal party? A newborn baby is much likelier to be noisier.

As its HIS sister, I don't think you get to override him wanting to take eldest. It's on him to do all the prep. If this excluding the youngest happens again it might warrant a conversation but I'd make it clear eldest can go but if baby doesn't, you can't.

Think you’re digging your heels in unnecessarily over this. Let him go with older dd. It’s his family, his decision really and if he’s not offended let it slide.

I'm not sure I'd get worked up about this. I'm also pregnant and invited to a wedding about 6 weeks after baby is due. They're still happy for baby to go, but I've declined and said I'll join the evening reception if well enough to (ie if baby is late, c-section etc). I'd still like for DP and DS to go, though.

The thought of baby crying through the ceremony and the meal is just not my idea of fun and I'd hate to inflict that on someone's day, whereas I know DS will sit very nicely and eat his meal and be well-behaved. He'll be almost 4 by the time the wedding comes.

My DS was a really tough baby. Lots of crying, vomiting, colic, late-diagnosed CMPA, so I appreciate my worries of a touch baby on the day might be tarnished by that, but still, it's their day. I'm happy to let them enjoy it, and for DP to take DS so I only have one child on my hands that day.

Their needs are totally different. Why should the 4 year old miss out?