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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP is in the wrong here?!

133 replies

scige · 16/10/2022 16:19

Hi all,

First-time poster, longtime lurker. As, I imagine, is the case with many posters, I've felt compelled to write today after a disagreement with my extremely frustrating partner.

I'll try and keep it brief...

DP's sister is getting married next year. DP, DC1 and I are all invited. Fab.

I'm currently pregnant and have since found out that unborn DC2 is not invited to the wedding. All being well, DC2 will be around 3 months old at the time of the wedding; DC1 will be 4 years.

They are not inviting any other children to the wedding but are making an exception for our first child. Not for the second.

I understand that not everyone wants kids at their wedding - totally fine with that - and so I suggested that I don't go and stay with both the children. DP is insisting that DC1 should go and states that if both kids can't go, he'd 'like at least one of them there.' 😐

AIBU for thinking this is not on? How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines? I just think it's so wrong. However, I'm fully aware that pregnancy hormones may well be influencing my perspective so I'm keen to hear some other viewpoints!

OP posts:
BanjoVio · 16/10/2022 17:18

Is there any reason beyond ‘on principle’ that you wouldn’t want to do as SIL suggests and leave your 3mo for a day? I wouldn’t want to take mine to a wedding to be honest.

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 17:19

FistFullOfRegrets · 16/10/2022 17:13

@scige Personally I like babies & kids at weddings, but I see it as part of the circle of life and a friends & family celebration, not an Instagram perfect event.

DH needs to be clear with her that you are not leaving your 3 month old for the weekend to go to her wedding. So if she wants YOU there the baby comes too, or if she doesn't want the baby there she accepts that she's choosing to exclude you.

Get that out in the open.

DH can do a bit of parenting of the 4yo on his own. Let them crack on with it.

I think you're being a bit daft saying they're choosing one nephew over the other & they should be treat equally blah blah. At different stages of their lives they will be treat differently, such is life! Your parents (for example) might want to take DS out for the day or have him sleep over, but not want to take the second one as it's a LOT more hassle & distracts the attention from the eldest. In time they might take the youngest out for the day when the eldest is at school. 4 years is a decent gap and they're 2 separate people. You need to start getting your head around that now.

Show quote history

Thank you for this response, it was helpful to read.

I see what you're saying re kids being treated differently and I do know that it is part of life. I guess my view is that you don't exclude family for something like a wedding. If it were a random day out or a sleepover, I wouldn't care. Not saying that means every random great uncle and aunt in existence necessarily needs an invite to your wedding. But I can't imagine telling my brother that one of his kids couldn't come to our wedding. It really wouldn't cross my mind.

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 16/10/2022 17:19

You say it like it's personal against your unborn baby. It's not. Your uncork baby is not here yet. They have not taken exception to it. They have for some reason made a very nice exception for your dc1 but that's it. They haven't snubbed little unborn one. They don't know them. Your pregnancy hormones as you say may be making you sensitive. But I wouldn't leave 3 month old for the weekend. You may be breastfeeding. Just tell Dp that he goes with dc1

pocketvenuss · 16/10/2022 17:21

Unborn not uncork 😂

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 17:22

BanjoVio · 16/10/2022 17:18

Is there any reason beyond ‘on principle’ that you wouldn’t want to do as SIL suggests and leave your 3mo for a day? I wouldn’t want to take mine to a wedding to be honest.

It is far away from home and requires at least one overnight stay (the night before). DP wants to stay 2 nights. Not sure that I'll be ready to leave a 3 month old for that distance. We're already leaving them 1 night for the legal ceremony the week before.

OP posts:
Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 17:23

pocketvenuss · 16/10/2022 17:21

Unborn not uncork 😂

I prefer uncork!😂

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 16/10/2022 17:24

People who don't want children at weddings are self centred high maintenance dullards. I'd skip the whole thing and stay at home with both kids

hesbeingabitofadick · 16/10/2022 17:27

scige · 16/10/2022 17:10

This did cross my mind although not really much I can do about it I guess.

Show quote history

Let him take the 4yo.
Hopefully everyone will fuss over him/her with lots of sugary treats. Wink

You stay at home with the baby and keep out of it as it's what the bride wanted. <innocent face>

Also - how fucking precious is your SIL to have 2 weddings? 🤯🤦‍♀️

JorisBonson · 16/10/2022 17:27

topcat2014 · 16/10/2022 17:24

People who don't want children at weddings are self centred high maintenance dullards. I'd skip the whole thing and stay at home with both kids

Blimey, judgemental much?

Berthatydfil · 16/10/2022 17:30

First are you happy to even think about leaving your still quite new baby? Will you be able to leave them? Easier if not BF.

if you aren't able or willing to leave them then its easy you all go or he goes on his own unless you are both happy for him to take older dc. Have you considered that older dc will even want to go, they may not want to leave you with their new sibling if theres any jealousy. I certainly wouldn't be forcing them to go with dp if they didnt want to leave you.
I think that a babe in arms will be less likely to disrupt a wedding than a 4 year old.
They are portable, if they cry you can feed/offer dummy or easily take out, will probably sleep a significant portion of the time, wont run off, wont need much entertaining, wont need a seat or a meal.
However, they may take a lot of attention from the bride if all the family is cooing over a baby. Could this be a factor?
If there are no other children attending your dc will require entertaining to make sure they aren't bored during ceremony, they will also need food if there is a long gap between ceremony and meal, they will also need some supervision during the meal (boring to them) speeches and any evening party.

Is your dp happy to do all this without you to tag team and not to have a drink all day?

toomuchlaundry · 16/10/2022 17:33

The 4yo is probably going to be bored if no other young children there. Can’t think of anything more dull for a young child than an adults’ party

Could it be that B&G don’t want to be upstaged by a cute new baby?

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 16/10/2022 17:38

how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines?

Because different aged children can do different things? It's not like one hasn't been invited because your SIL doesn't like them.

If I was SIL I'd invite the baby as well, but since she isn't I think it's odd to view it as a personal slight against a 3 month old.

Basilthymerosemary · 16/10/2022 17:43

I don't blame them. I had our toddler go to a wedding a few years ago (last one in a while) and it was awful. Only 3yr old- couldn't sit still during the wedding and in the end I missed the wedding vows as I had to take him out for the sake of everyone else.

Just decline and it's not really choosing. The baby doesn't care. It won't even be aware.

StapFooterin · 16/10/2022 17:45

I can't imagine the baby will be too offended. If it was me, I would just let DP take your 4yo. In saying that, I wouldn't want to take my DC to a wedding with no other children attending. They would be bored stupid.

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 17:47

Berthatydfil · 16/10/2022 17:30

First are you happy to even think about leaving your still quite new baby? Will you be able to leave them? Easier if not BF.

if you aren't able or willing to leave them then its easy you all go or he goes on his own unless you are both happy for him to take older dc. Have you considered that older dc will even want to go, they may not want to leave you with their new sibling if theres any jealousy. I certainly wouldn't be forcing them to go with dp if they didnt want to leave you.
I think that a babe in arms will be less likely to disrupt a wedding than a 4 year old.
They are portable, if they cry you can feed/offer dummy or easily take out, will probably sleep a significant portion of the time, wont run off, wont need much entertaining, wont need a seat or a meal.
However, they may take a lot of attention from the bride if all the family is cooing over a baby. Could this be a factor?
If there are no other children attending your dc will require entertaining to make sure they aren't bored during ceremony, they will also need food if there is a long gap between ceremony and meal, they will also need some supervision during the meal (boring to them) speeches and any evening party.

Is your dp happy to do all this without you to tag team and not to have a drink all day?

Totally agree, IMO a baby is far easier than a toddler - even a 4 year old. I know others will disagree.

I'm not sure if DC1 will actually want to go . He only sees SIL three time a year and doesn't know the groom.

I imagine that the wedding will be adult-orientated so probably not loads of fun for him. I'm worried that he'll misbehave if he's bored and as you mentioned, DP and I won't be able to tag team. Trying not to stress about it though as I can't really change it.

I have a feeling that DP might decide to leave DC1 at home when he realises that he'll be on daddy daycare duty all day ie can't get drunk!

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 16/10/2022 17:48

A baby is not going to feel hard done by about missing a wedding.
I think the issue is it’s more odd wanting a 4 year old there who will likely be bored then a young baby you can take out the room if they cry.
My bigger question is does your hubby drink - if he is planning on drinking a lot who is going to look after the four year old? What’s he going to do if he wants to stay late and your four year old is tired.
I think it just being you and the baby for a few days might actually be a nice break for you. You can have some friends over etc. Not worry about sorting out the four year old and laze about when baby is sleeping!

Onewildandpreciouslife · 16/10/2022 17:49

If DP is ok to take the 4 yo on his own, don’t stop him! You may quite enjoy having time just with you and the lo.

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 17:50

toomuchlaundry · 16/10/2022 17:33

The 4yo is probably going to be bored if no other young children there. Can’t think of anything more dull for a young child than an adults’ party

Could it be that B&G don’t want to be upstaged by a cute new baby?

Agree with all of this!

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 16/10/2022 17:50

Totally agree, IMO a baby is far easier than a toddler - even a 4 year old. I know others will disagree.

Most people would disagree. Babies cry unexpectedly and uncontrollably and even leaving straight away is a huge disruption nobody wants in their wedding. A four year old is old enough to know to be quiet during the ceremony.

But it doesn’t matter what anyone else but the bride and groom thinks, and they don’t want the baby there. That’s their decision.

hesbeingabitofadick · 16/10/2022 17:51

I have a feeling that DP might decide to leave DC1 at home when he realises that he'll be on daddy daycare duty all day ie can't get drunk!

Sod that, tel him SIL will be sooo disappointed so they'll have to go together and leave you and baby at home. Wink

diddl · 16/10/2022 17:53

I wouldn't be going to any of it if it meant leaving my 3 month old overnight.

Well if he's insisting that the oldest one goes-make sure that he takes them!

There will be other family to "tag team" with if necessary.

And if it's so important to him to have a child there-he won't change his mind just so that he can drink instead-will he?

mamabear715 · 16/10/2022 17:53

I'd get a trusted family member to look after both kids, tbh..

Johnnysgirl · 16/10/2022 17:54

Could it be that B&G don’t want to be upstaged by a cute new baby?
I'd imagine that's one of the last reasons they don't want a squalling baby there, get real 😂

Hadalifeonce · 16/10/2022 17:54

I would look at this as an opportunity for your DH to have a day out with his DD, and for you to have a day 1 on 1 with your new baby.

beonmywaythen · 16/10/2022 18:00

I think they're being unreasonable about babies, but it's their wedding so just let it go!