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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP is in the wrong here?!

133 replies

scige · 16/10/2022 16:19

Hi all,

First-time poster, longtime lurker. As, I imagine, is the case with many posters, I've felt compelled to write today after a disagreement with my extremely frustrating partner.

I'll try and keep it brief...

DP's sister is getting married next year. DP, DC1 and I are all invited. Fab.

I'm currently pregnant and have since found out that unborn DC2 is not invited to the wedding. All being well, DC2 will be around 3 months old at the time of the wedding; DC1 will be 4 years.

They are not inviting any other children to the wedding but are making an exception for our first child. Not for the second.

I understand that not everyone wants kids at their wedding - totally fine with that - and so I suggested that I don't go and stay with both the children. DP is insisting that DC1 should go and states that if both kids can't go, he'd 'like at least one of them there.' 😐

AIBU for thinking this is not on? How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines? I just think it's so wrong. However, I'm fully aware that pregnancy hormones may well be influencing my perspective so I'm keen to hear some other viewpoints!

OP posts:
Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 19:52

Obki · 16/10/2022 19:40

How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines?

OP, I think you’re being extremely disingenuous to keep repeating this because the baby isn’t even born yet and won’t have any idea what’s going on anyway. SIL isn’t picking between your two DC, she has made an exception for a 4yo, but not a baby.

Hope all goes well.

Have you read any of my most recent posts? It would appear not.

Are you even aware of the meaning of the word disingenuous? It means deceitful; insincere. Did you know?

I'm aware that my post has apparently ruffled feathers but I'm not quite sure that it is fair to call me 'disingenuous' simply because I felt a bit gutted that only one of my kids was invited to a family wedding 🤔😂

In any case, since you clearly haven't read my most recent posts, the matter has been resolved between DP and I. Thanks for your concern.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 19:53

However, I find it very hurtful to see that my kids are not being treated equally.

Equal doesn't always mean exactly the same, as different ages, and different individuals, have different needs / abilities / preferences.

Are you really only going to do things babies can also do from when DC2 arrives? Not do anything just for DC1 still? Not let DC1 enjoy age appropriate stuff (hobbies where kids need to be 4+ for example) unless a baby can join in too?

One child isn't being 'sidelined' if the other child has an opportunity suitable for their age group and not the others.

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 19:56

Ivyr0se · 16/10/2022 19:23

I would interpret her request that the baby doesn't come as an I don't want you there. She must know that a new baby will most likely needs to be with his mam especially if breastfeeding. I would see this as attempt to cause a split between you and your partner which he seems to be falling for.

See, I did think this, initially. We've never been super close... But it seems that most people disagree - perhaps I'm reading too much into it?

Either way, I'm pretty content to not go and enjoy some bonding time with the little one. And save myself some money not needing accommodation or a dress!

OP posts:
dirtyasadustpanlid · 16/10/2022 19:59

Invites would have been handed out before you were even pregnant! YABVU

monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 19:59

Either way, I'm pretty content to not go and enjoy some bonding time with the little one. And save myself some money not needing accommodation or a dress!

That's the spirit! I would be relieved and have a nice chill. But don't see it as them picking one individual child over the other individual child in any real sense. It's an age thing, not an individual thing against the baby or anything!

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 20:02

monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 19:53

However, I find it very hurtful to see that my kids are not being treated equally.

Equal doesn't always mean exactly the same, as different ages, and different individuals, have different needs / abilities / preferences.

Are you really only going to do things babies can also do from when DC2 arrives? Not do anything just for DC1 still? Not let DC1 enjoy age appropriate stuff (hobbies where kids need to be 4+ for example) unless a baby can join in too?

One child isn't being 'sidelined' if the other child has an opportunity suitable for their age group and not the others.

I get the point you're making here. But I think I've already mentioned that I wouldn't care it it were a random dinner or a day out.

In my family, 'big events' always included everyone. So, weddings, christenings, etc... no one excluded. I can seen I'm in the minority, but it never crossed my mind that you would invite only certain children from the same household. I've always thought that with weddings, it was a 'no kids' or 'all the kids' scenario. Well, at least it was with mine 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 20:03

Save the dates have been sent out this weekend. No formal invites yet.😊

OP posts:
HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 16/10/2022 20:15

Dunno. I reckon the baby will be alright with it so why shouldn't your other kid go with their dad?

Dumbledormer · 16/10/2022 20:25

I’d feel the same OP! I’d be pretty annoyed because I’d interpret it as “I don’t want you there and I know not inviting your three month old will probably mean you won’t be able to attend”. I’d feel less worried about picking one sibling over the other because I think the other way round would be more acceptable i.e. bring the 3 month old and leave the 4 year old at home.

Having said that, depending on how social I was feeling would depend how pissed off I was. I have a friend who gets terrible FOMO who would hate every minute of your scenario because she’d be missing out on a party and a chance to socialise whereas I might be thinking “THANK GOD - i can’t wait to be left alone for two nights with my baby where I can watch all the trash tv, eat crap and wear the same pyjamas for 48 hours”. Depends what kind of person you are 😅

beachcitygirl · 16/10/2022 20:27

The bride is a brat that doesn't want upstaged by a gorgeous new born baby.

I would do one of two things.

A) put my foot down. Both of your kids and you or dh goes alone.
Or
B) dh takes dd but I wouldn't lift a finger, & I mean a finger to co-ordinate, organise, outfit plan, pack, drive, if dh wants to take dd1 no problem. He can arrange (and deal with the whjngey overtired dd next day

(Oh and I wouldn't be driving to pick up dd when she's bored/asleep and he's pissed either.
Under no circumstances.
He takes her, he brings her back.

beachcitygirl · 16/10/2022 20:31

Ps when you're at home snuggly with newborn you can gave a giggle at dh having to leave the party early and go (away?) up to a hotel room and negotiate bath and bedtime with an overtired hyped up over sugared young child.

He who laughs last laughs longest OP

Obki · 16/10/2022 20:35

scige · 16/10/2022 19:52

Have you read any of my most recent posts? It would appear not.

Are you even aware of the meaning of the word disingenuous? It means deceitful; insincere. Did you know?

I'm aware that my post has apparently ruffled feathers but I'm not quite sure that it is fair to call me 'disingenuous' simply because I felt a bit gutted that only one of my kids was invited to a family wedding 🤔😂

In any case, since you clearly haven't read my most recent posts, the matter has been resolved between DP and I. Thanks for your concern.

Show quote history

I did read all your posts, which is why I said ‘hope all goes well’. What makes you think I didn’t read all your posts?

And the more you post the more I see why SIL has a fractious relationship with you.

She has been reasonable and you are looking for ways to put a dampener on her day.

Confusion101 · 16/10/2022 20:35

The bride is a brat that doesn't want upstaged by a gorgeous new born baby.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Or else the bride is actually a generous person who doesn't want everyone else's day ruined listening to a baby crying and bawling at a wedding. A wedding celebration is not the place for a 3 month old baby, alcohol, dancing, loud music, why on earth would u expect a 3 month old to be invited to that?

JorisBonson · 16/10/2022 20:37

Confusion101 · 16/10/2022 20:35

The bride is a brat that doesn't want upstaged by a gorgeous new born baby.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Or else the bride is actually a generous person who doesn't want everyone else's day ruined listening to a baby crying and bawling at a wedding. A wedding celebration is not the place for a 3 month old baby, alcohol, dancing, loud music, why on earth would u expect a 3 month old to be invited to that?

Exactly. Get over yourself.

Obki · 16/10/2022 20:37

JorisBonson · 16/10/2022 20:37

Exactly. Get over yourself.

Show quote history

Succinctly put!

Original poster
scige · 16/10/2022 21:05

Dumbledormer · 16/10/2022 20:25

I’d feel the same OP! I’d be pretty annoyed because I’d interpret it as “I don’t want you there and I know not inviting your three month old will probably mean you won’t be able to attend”. I’d feel less worried about picking one sibling over the other because I think the other way round would be more acceptable i.e. bring the 3 month old and leave the 4 year old at home.

Having said that, depending on how social I was feeling would depend how pissed off I was. I have a friend who gets terrible FOMO who would hate every minute of your scenario because she’d be missing out on a party and a chance to socialise whereas I might be thinking “THANK GOD - i can’t wait to be left alone for two nights with my baby where I can watch all the trash tv, eat crap and wear the same pyjamas for 48 hours”. Depends what kind of person you are 😅

Oh, I'm definitely not likely to get FOMO! I quite happy to chill at home! And tbh, as I'm already going to the first wedding ceremony the previous week, I think I'll be pretty done with it all by the time the next one comes around!

Your reply made me lol - thanks for that!

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 16/10/2022 21:44

I'd feel the same as you OP. Perhaps not a popular view on here, but I think nieces and nephews should be invited to child free weddings.

I have a four year old and I wouldn't envy your DH a full day at a wedding solo with a four year old and no other kids. That won't be easy and your DH will likely miss a lot of the fun.

qpmz · 16/10/2022 21:58

A 3 month old baby doesn't need to be treated equally to his/her 4 year old sibling! Baby will be totally oblivious so there is no need to feel they should be treated the same.

SummerCarnival · 16/10/2022 22:09

The 3 month old isn't being sidelined. Your 3 month old won't have a single ounce of a clue as to what's going on.. DC2 is hardly being left out when the baby has nothing to gain by going. Also more of a screamer risk than 4 YO

It's a bit shit of them but if they've made exceptions for your older child I'd let 4YO go with DH

Or get sitters and go child free.

Herejustforthisone · 16/10/2022 22:11

I often wonder if I’m particularly bolshy when I read threads on here, because I would have said my piece about this off the bat. Even if it was just to my husband.

“They want the 4yo, but expect us to dump the three month old somewhere else? Nope. It’s both kids, so I can be there. Or neither of them and you can go on your own. I respect their choice to be child free, so child free it is. Nope. Not changing my mind. I bet when they have kids they’ll be unbearably precious, by the way. You wait.”

SleeplessInEngland · 16/10/2022 22:12

YABU - it’s obvious why people wouldn’t want a newborn at a wedding.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/10/2022 22:15

beachcitygirl · 16/10/2022 20:31

Ps when you're at home snuggly with newborn you can gave a giggle at dh having to leave the party early and go (away?) up to a hotel room and negotiate bath and bedtime with an overtired hyped up over sugared young child.

He who laughs last laughs longest OP

Yeah, 3 month old’s are well known for giving their patents hours of uninterrupted sleep…

PickAnyName · 16/10/2022 22:18

I think they believe they were doing you a favour by allowing an exception for your four year old. I can understand them not wanting a tiny baby at their wedding; presumably they didn’t know a new baby was on the way when the invitation was issued? It’s their wedding, they decide who is on the guest list. Try not to take it personally.

Johnnysgirl · 16/10/2022 22:19

Nope. It’s both kids, so I can be there.
But both kids weren't invited, so however much you'd mouth off like that it still wouldn't actually be an option 🤷🏻‍♀️ What's the point?

AnnaBegins · 16/10/2022 22:30

Gosh that's horrible of SIL. My cousin did similar, asked the youngest cutest cousins to be bridesmaids with no others invited, not even the 3 siblings of the 2 bridesmaid cousins! It caused real upset as we grew up as our parents (2 sets of) had allowed us to be treated differently.
There's no right answer here.