AIBU to think DP is in the wrong here?!

[scige]

Hi all,

First-time poster, longtime lurker. As, I imagine, is the case with many posters, I've felt compelled to write today after a disagreement with my extremely frustrating partner.

I'll try and keep it brief...

DP's sister is getting married next year. DP, DC1 and I are all invited. Fab.

I'm currently pregnant and have since found out that unborn DC2 is not invited to the wedding. All being well, DC2 will be around 3 months old at the time of the wedding; DC1 will be 4 years.

They are not inviting any other children to the wedding but are making an exception for our first child. Not for the second.

I understand that not everyone wants kids at their wedding - totally fine with that - and so I suggested that I don't go and stay with both the children. DP is insisting that DC1 should go and states that if both kids can't go, he'd 'like at least one of them there.' 😐

AIBU for thinking this is not on? How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines? I just think it's so wrong. However, I'm fully aware that pregnancy hormones may well be influencing my perspective so I'm keen to hear some other viewpoints!

[Karwomannghia]

It’s a ridiculous request imo but not because of the dc being treated differently- the baby will have no idea- but because it means you can’t go and they’re happy with that?
if you’re not that bothered about going which I wouldn’t blame you for, I’d take the chance to have a lovely day just you and the baby.

[CarefreeMe]

I would actually think that SIL was just being polite and doesn’t actually want DC1 there either.

I think YABU to think it’s either both of them or neither of them.

But I think DH is BU to want to take a child to a child free wedding.

I would just tell DH that you’ll be staying home with DC2 and that it’s up to him whether he wants to take DC1 or not.

[SunshineAndFizz]

@MimiSunshine

My answer would be ‘no i can’t leave my 3 month old baby for the weekend, I hope you have a great day but I won’t be able to attend.’

then wave DP off with the 4 year old, when they’re older, the baby really won’t care that they weren’t at the wedding and the 4 year old is going to be fairly bored quickly with no other children to play with so your DP will have his hands full

100% this.

He'll soon regret it when he can't let his hair down in the evening and instead has to retire to his room early and negotiate bedtime with an overexcited 4 year old.

[Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious]

@topcat2014

People who don't want children at weddings are self centred high maintenance dullards. I'd skip the whole thing and stay at home with both kids

Are you the kind of person who can't do anything without your kids?

[Remainiac]

@Letthesunshineonin

I think your 4 year old will be bored stiff at the wedding stuck with adults and no other kids to play with them

This.

[Medoca]

Let your husband take the 4yr old - sounds a dream to me!! You can get some rest and have a nice evening in.

[Medoca]

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

Are you the kind of person who can't do anything without your kids?

People who don’t understand that others might want a different style of wedding to their own personal views are self centred, high maintenance dullards.

[Strictly1]

@topcat2014

People who don't want children at weddings are self centred high maintenance dullards. I'd skip the whole thing and stay at home with both kids

In your narrow minded opinion. I personally think each to their own but then I’m not as judgemental as you clearly are 🙄

[Schulte]

@Medoca

Let your husband take the 4yr old - sounds a dream to me!! You can get some rest and have a nice evening in.

This! But yes it is a bit odd. I’d be peeved too.

[Confusion101]

YABU... Not your wedding, stop trying to control it. A 3 month old contributes nothing to a wedding only tears and screams. If they were older it would be unfair but given that the 3 month old won't have a clue what's going on or remember the day and the 4 year old will, it's grand. Could your parents stay with ye at the location so baby is near if u (understandably) don't want to leave them?

[Rumplestrumpet]

I understand your disappointment OP but I really think you should see the positives here - going away for a weekend with a small baby and young child and attending an otherwise child-free wedding would have been stressful and not much fun.

I'd take the opportunity to stay at home with both kids (or go to your parents if that's relaxing for you and they're likely to lend a hand). Your husband will enjoy it more without kids, you'll be less stressed at home and kids won't miss out on anything. Honestly it's a win win !

[Johnnysgirl]

Dullards; for not wanting children at your wedding? Incredibly bizarre post.
And I'd lay odds that poster would think nothing of allowing her kids to run riot at someone else's wedding, having no clue that nobody else finds them as enchanting as she does 😂

[toomuchlaundry]

I remember going to a wedding where young children were invited. It wasn't the babies that were being noisy, it was the slightly older ones. Still remember the sound of the church door being slammed shut as an irate parent took a shrieking pre-schooler out midway during the ceremony. Could still hear the muffled shrieks when they were stood in the churchyard

[Medoca]

@toomuchlaundry

I remember going to a wedding where young children were invited. It wasn't the babies that were being noisy, it was the slightly older ones. Still remember the sound of the church door being slammed shut as an irate parent took a shrieking pre-schooler out midway during the ceremony. Could still hear the muffled shrieks when they were stood in the churchyard

I can imagine. I have an 18m old who loves opening and closing doors. No way would I bring them to a wedding, they wouldn’t enjoy it and we’d spend all of our time making sure they weren’t running riot, getting bored etc.

[Cw112]

I'd get dp to speak to his sister and say you're not comfortable leaving a 3 month old at that stage and ask if they'd be OK for them to come too. At our wedding we didn't allow kids apart from babies because we had friends we wanted to see who were breastfeeding and we knew it would have been really hard for them to come otherwise. Another option is you get someone to babysit the little one in your room so you can nip up and down to feed etc but I'd imagine they might say it's ok since they're allowing your older child.

[BowiesJumper]

Does your husband really want to look after the 4yr old for 1 or 2 nights plus the weeding day when I presume he’ll want to be having fun/drinking etc? He’ll have to leave early to put them to bed etc. seems obvious to leave them with you?

[NorthYorkQueen]

I went to my brothers wedding when our son was 4. DH went as well. It was hard work and that was with both of us! At that age their attention span is short, even sitting through the service I found stressful with little one wanting to be doing something rather than sitting. Meal was the same, we went out for walks. Dance was great for first hour then he crashed. If your hubby takes your DC then it’s a lot of work, no other kids to play with and will need to head to bed when DC needs to go to bed. Not sure your DH has really thought about the practicalities on the actual day.

[scige]

@Johnnysgirl

Dullards; for not wanting children at your wedding? Incredibly bizarre post.
And I'd lay odds that poster would think nothing of allowing her kids to run riot at someone else's wedding, having no clue that nobody else finds them as enchanting as she does 😂

What a bizarre little rant that was! 😂
Given that you neither know me nor my children, I find odd your apparent certainty of what I'd allow my children to do - or the way in which I perceive others to view them. Are you always so presumptuous, I wonder?

Thanks for the (mostly) lighthearted feedback - it has been helpful and helped me open my eyes. I still can't imagine picking and choosing between my nieces and nephews - but equally, I get that it isn't my decision.

I've told DP to have a lovely time with DC1. I'll enjoy the weekend spending some quality bonding time with the baby. Tbh, had we all gone, I'd have ended up running around after DC1 on my own as DP tends to get a little too merry, too quickly, at these kind of things. Now, he can enjoy the responsibility of being the sensible parent on his own 😂

[Johnnysgirl]

@scige

What a bizarre little rant that was! 😂
Given that you neither know me nor my children, I find odd your apparent certainty of what I'd allow my children to do - or the way in which I perceive others to view them. Are you always so presumptuous, I wonder?

Thanks for the (mostly) lighthearted feedback - it has been helpful and helped me open my eyes. I still can't imagine picking and choosing between my nieces and nephews - but equally, I get that it isn't my decision.

I've told DP to have a lovely time with DC1. I'll enjoy the weekend spending some quality bonding time with the baby. Tbh, had we all gone, I'd have ended up running around after DC1 on my own as DP tends to get a little too merry, too quickly, at these kind of things. Now, he can enjoy the responsibility of being the sensible parent on his own 😂

No, op .
it was in response to @topcat2014 's very strange post. Why did you think I was talking to you?

[scige]

@Johnnysgirl

No, op .
it was in response to @topcat2014 's very strange post. Why did you think I was talking to you?

Sorry! I read the second part of your message (below) and thought "that poster " was aimed at me. 😳
My apologies!

And I'd lay odds that poster would think nothing of allowing her kids to run riot at someone else's wedding, having no clue that nobody else finds them as enchanting as she does 😂

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Whilst it doesn’t really make sense to me to exclude the baby, who is unlikely to be able to be left without you, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your Dd going.

As others have said, a 4 yo and a baby are totally different. Why should your Dd Miss out? She’ll be aware of what’s going on, your Ds won’t.

[Ivyr0se]

I would interpret her request that the baby doesn't come as an I don't want you there. She must know that a new baby will most likely needs to be with his mam especially if breastfeeding. I would see this as attempt to cause a split between you and your partner which he seems to be falling for.

[GoldenSpiral]

I would stay home with the baby on my own! I wouldn't be volunteering to look after DC1 as well as a 3 month old for two nights if I'm honest. I say let DH and DC1 crack on.

[Obki]

How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines?

OP, I think you’re being extremely disingenuous to keep repeating this because the baby isn’t even born yet and won’t have any idea what’s going on anyway. SIL isn’t picking between your two DC, she has made an exception for a 4yo, but not a baby.

Hope all goes well.

[HungryandIknowit]

I think it's a bit strange but I wouldn't get upset over it. Just send your partner with the eldest.