AIBU to think DP is in the wrong here?!

[scige]

Hi all,

First-time poster, longtime lurker. As, I imagine, is the case with many posters, I've felt compelled to write today after a disagreement with my extremely frustrating partner.

I'll try and keep it brief...

DP's sister is getting married next year. DP, DC1 and I are all invited. Fab.

I'm currently pregnant and have since found out that unborn DC2 is not invited to the wedding. All being well, DC2 will be around 3 months old at the time of the wedding; DC1 will be 4 years.

They are not inviting any other children to the wedding but are making an exception for our first child. Not for the second.

I understand that not everyone wants kids at their wedding - totally fine with that - and so I suggested that I don't go and stay with both the children. DP is insisting that DC1 should go and states that if both kids can't go, he'd 'like at least one of them there.' 😐

AIBU for thinking this is not on? How can you pick between your nieces and nephews - one makes the cut and the other doesn't - and more concerningly, how, as their father, is DP okay with one child being picked and the other one being left at the sidelines? I just think it's so wrong. However, I'm fully aware that pregnancy hormones may well be influencing my perspective so I'm keen to hear some other viewpoints!

They’re being very kind inviting your older one to an otherwise child-free wedding, and I don’t blame them for not wanting the baby there. I wouldn’t have wanted a 3 month old at my wedding. I agree with pp that they are probably happy with your other child’s behaviour but don’t want any other kids there. That’s their right, it’s their wedding, it’s not your family’s day.

Since people are very judgmental about wedding guest lists - they might also get more mutterings from people whose kids aren’t invited if those people then see that both of yours are there.

None of you are being U.
DP’s suggestion is fine.

Is the older child part of the bridal/wedding party? As a flower girl or page boy for example?

This.

It isn't really picking favourites at those ages - a 4yo is very different than a baby, and the baby will neither know nor care.

While I would probably have done the same in terms of staying home with both dc, that is just because I imagine your dh will have a better time child free. If he wants to take dc1 I can't see any reason why not. It will make your life easier!

They've made an allowance so you can attend. If you say you're not going, you'll probably find that they would prefer you keep the eldest as well.

I'd send the eldest anyway me, 3 months with a potential bad night sleeper means a decent kip with the baby. If a good sleeper, some chill one on one time.

YANBU they can stick their wedding up their arse.

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I do appreciate it.

I think it's a particularly sore point as my relationship with SIL has always being fractious. Probably a post for another day.

I'm not stopping DP taking our child. I've said it's up to him. However, I find it very hurtful to see that my kids are not being treated equally. He agrees that it's unfair but isn't that bothered by it.

I think a young child and a small baby bring disruption in equal measures, tbh. If you invite one, invite the other. Or say no kids, full stop. We're already attending the legal ceremony on a separate date and that is strictly no children.

Oh - someone mentioned that SIL might want wedding pics with DC1. I doubt this as DC1 doesn't play any significant role in the wedding (flower girl/page boy, etc).

@scige I think having one, not both, would be a bigger problem if the baby was old enough to know.

I don't think it's a big deal but I do think you can spot the childless person from a mile away by her "just leave" the 3 month old baby. If you breastfeed that's not going to be doable.

I think your 4 year old will be bored stiff at the wedding stuck with adults and no other kids to play with them

I think a young child and a small baby bring disruption in equal measures

This is obviously nonsense.

If you invite one, invite the other.

Multiple people have explained why this doesn’t make sense.

Or say no kids, full stop.

People get to have the weddings they want and invite who they want. Unless you are planning and paying for their wedding and neglected to mention it?

YABVVVU. And entitled.

Of course you won’t want to leave your 3 month old baby! The two of you should basically be treated like 1 unit. And anyway, babies of that age rarely cry unless they are ill or their needs aren’t being met. What if she needed feeding and you weren’t there? My DC2 still won’t take bottles at 10 months old!

However, while it probably feels like people are not making an effort to make your DC2 feel welcome, the bride and groom are probably just clueless about very little babies and will probably be a bit shocked when the same happens to them one day.

I’m not sure anyone is being unreasonable here but everyone is acting in their own interests without thinking about how it will impact the others.

I do think it's fair enough to not want babies and children at the wedding (the screaming!).
I'm not sure I would have made the exception for the 4 year old but perhaps they know that he is well behaved.
I would do one of these two options:

1. If your mum is willing, leave both children with her, and you and DH enjoy a weekend away.
2. DH goes to the wedding with DC1 and you stay home with the baby.

First option of course will not work if you are breastfeeding.

What if you're intending to bf? How can you leave baby behind then?

These wide eyed head tilted "but I just don't understand" even after numerous explanations make me always wonder what would we hear from the other side in the argument.

I think they know you won't leave the baby tbh

Well if getting childcare (your mum) to look after the baby isn't something you'd consider, then you'll have to stay at home with the baby. As your husband is still going then he may as well take your older child.

A 4 yo should be old enough to behave through a wedding, especially with 1-1 supervision, and they're also old enough to enjoy and remember the experience. A new born isn't.

I would have invited neither or both

In your case I would leave them both with your mum (if this is possible as the bride seems to suggest) and just the adults go. I'd be worried about the 4 year old, as even a well behaved one isn't perfect and she clearly wants a more adult oriented wedding. Or stay at home with the baby. But I don't think I'd be bothered about the husband taking Dc1

However, I find it very hurtful to see that my kids are not being treated equally.

But this would only make sense if they were both old enough to care.

Your DD may well be upset not to be able to see Auntie Jane get married. She will be aware. Your newborn will not give a toss.

This is nothing to do with your children - and a you issue.

Were you hoping to be able to show off the baby at the wedding?

This did cross my mind although not really much I can do about it I guess.

@scige Personally I like babies & kids at weddings, but I see it as part of the circle of life and a friends & family celebration, not an Instagram perfect event.

DH needs to be clear with her that you are not leaving your 3 month old for the weekend to go to her wedding. So if she wants YOU there the baby comes too, or if she doesn't want the baby there she accepts that she's choosing to exclude you.

Get that out in the open.

DH can do a bit of parenting of the 4yo on his own. Let them crack on with it.

I think you're being a bit daft saying they're choosing one nephew over the other & they should be treat equally blah blah. At different stages of their lives they will be treat differently, such is life! Your parents (for example) might want to take DS out for the day or have him sleep over, but not want to take the second one as it's a LOT more hassle & distracts the attention from the eldest. In time they might take the youngest out for the day when the eldest is at school. 4 years is a decent gap and they're 2 separate people. You need to start getting your head around that now.

Nope, hence why I've suggested not going to the 'main wedding' and we're leaving the kids behind for the legal ceremony.

A four year old is likely to have fun at a big party.
A three month old won't know what the fuck is going on. Will probably cry. You'll be frazzled. It'll be a pain in the arse.

I'd wave him off with your daughter and settle down with the baby, binge watch TV shows and eat a crapton of biscuits. Much better day all round.

I would stay resolute that you are not separating from a 3 month old.

your dp plan to attend with the older child sounds okay to me. This way you are only at home caring for one child instead of two. It will be an easier weekend for you. Your older child will get some quality time with dad at a time when kids that age often need some reassurance with a new baby in the mix. you can look at it from the perspective of wedding etiquette, or you can look at it as what is best for you family.

The only issue with equal treatment here is that DC1 spends a day at a wedding completely bored and DC2 doesn’t have to. But DC2 won’t care either way! They are never going to think “hmm why wasn’t I at my aunts wedding” so it doesn’t matter

Because it's his sister's wedding perhaps? Why shouldn't he want to take his own child to a family occasion?