Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

I think you did very well overall. I cannot think who has been criticising you. Did you ask for feedback because you were worried?

The only thing I’d say is that it is best to bring a gift - but it would be absolutely fine for it to be a very modest one - or even in certain circles (if you know they share recycling views) from a charity shop. Think especially of the beautiful books in charity shops often in excellent condition. The card could also be cheaper, but extra lovely, for being hand made.

Now that 30 children are inviting 30 children to their party, that is potentially 30 presents a year to buy ( and receive). Of course that will be too expensive for lots of people if they cost even £5 - 10. That is £150 -£300 without cards and fares etc.

It's the parents' choice to put the party on! Are you only doing it so your DC gets gifts? Would you want a child to have to turn down an invite to come because they couldn't get anything to give the birthday child? I know I wouldn't!

How could you go to child party’s and not bring a gift because ‘you didn’t want to waste money’ that is so rude.

Maybe your not aware of how you come across, I’d be interested in hearing the other points from the other parents point of view, as how you describe it they all seem fine (gift issue aside). This thread is strange tbh.

She explained that. The only birthdays she did go to were of very close friends who she knew well enough to spend hours picking out the perfect present for them. That's different to taking your own child to a stranger's party. The present if for the person, not the party. She doesn't know the person and so didn't realise she was still supposed to buy a present for someone she knows nothing about.

Wow, host mum was being pretty rude!

I think it's not nice to pick up someone on not talking to people; there's lots of reasons people might not talk to others, usually because they are shy or anxious, and it's highly unlikely to be because they hate them or something. And going out of the room is fine - she can't say you were both 'hovering' over your child and leaving the room too often.

Maybe for future parties, let host parents know you and DD are on the spectrum and you want DD to go to parties but find it a bit daunting, that you/DD might need some time out of the room and so on? Then you can feel more understood and I would damn well hope that host family will be sympathetic.

Hang on in there - there will be a year of everyone getting invited to everyone's parties, but another year or two and you will be able to drop DD at parties withough you (feel free to check what hosts are expecting if you're not sure on that front)

@BadNomad I saw that after I posted.

The other mother is either a busy body, bully or has a more severe ndd than you. She is unequivocally unkind.

FWIW a mother once left an autistic 6 year old child on her own at a party of ours - no heads ups about behaviour at all. I literally spent every five minutes taking that child to the lavatory, making sure the lavatory light was on before takin her in there, and generally keeping the child calm. Therefore you very much did the right thing by keeping an eye on your child.

Be straight with people and get yourself a pair of noise cancelling head phones.

Whilst a present shouldn't be expected they usually are. However, how did the other mother actually know you hadn't put a fiver in the card?

A book token or gift voucher does the job but be mindful that half the fun for lots of children is ripping the paper off a present, whatever it is. Some children are like eyeore and happy with a broken balloon and empty honey jar; others are far more explicit.

Also, there have been plenty of threads on MN where someone has posted saying "my child has been invited to a birthday party, but I only have 30p left in my purse to last until the end of the month" and people have replied that it's not essential to take a present, they would rather just have your company than you not go because of that, that half the stuff is tat anyway, that they end up binning most of it afterwards etc.

Mixed messages.

I never went to birthday parties as a child. And had my first ever birthday party this year aged 50. So it is very possible.

She didn't turn up empty handed, she bought a card.

Hosting a party in the expectation that everyone brings a gift and noting who doesn't is far, far ruder.

I bet if we did a pole asking whether people would avoid small talk if they could, the majority would say yes.

Small talk can be tedious, meaningless and insincere. Nobody should feel compelled to make small talk with a load of strangers they have absolutely nothing in common with other than their children are in the same class and happen to be at the same party.

I woud bet this parent and party mum are part of the school gate clique who on the whole look down on others. And watch out for them on the PTA as well.

There’s nowt so bitchy as school gate clique mums.

And the truth is that in 4 or 5 years time when the kids start going to school on their own those are the parents who struggle the most because they have poured their all into being part of the clique, whereas the parents who have kept themselves to themselves just get on with their lives in the same way they always have.

OP, what happened was the Mum got a cob on because you didn't bring a present.

The rest is made up bollocks out of spite, because you didn't bring a present and she's being nasty.

How did she even know you didn’t bring a present? And exactly what did she say about how you were dressed??

Same!

OP you did really well, forget all about it. The main thing is your DC had a nice time.

A lot of us who are ND also have ND parents. I found out about the gift thing when I was a nanny and sent to parties with my charges. Even then I didn't realise that people would ignore requests for no gifts or that a no gift request was considered a 'polite' thing and that some feel that a token gift was still to be expected, took a few parties, including my wedding, to understand that one.

I really like the sound of you and your daughter. Love the fact that her preferred present would be a flag of Bhutan.

It's usual to take a present for the birthday child . If you're not sure what they like, give a book token.

Perhaps the other mother is rather socially inept and has no clue her remarks were tactless and inappropriate. Or perhaps she knows you're autistic and was trying to be helpful ? Either way, she sounds rather interesting so might be worth cultivating.

Willyoujustbequiet · Today 15:09

^SleepingStandingUp · Today 14:49
By never having gone to one, never having had one and never having held one?^

I also struggle to see how an adult can never have gone to any kind of party/event/celebration and be unaware that the custom is to take a gift

Expecting a gift is a bit off key too though, even if it is the norm. Ideally, people need to convey the invitation to mean ‘Your presence at my party would be a gift to me.’

These are very young children getting mostly piles of absolute junk they don’t want or need and could do without. A card is enough if that’s all someone has or can think of. Or the tiniest little trinket. Parties are getting so expensive and elaborate it can be quite a burden all round.

I think the only thing you did wrong was to have the misfortune of encountering a mum who is a bit of a bully and a complete arsehole that needs to be ignored x

I wouldn't get too worried about any of this OP. From what you've said, your dd will probably make friends with people who don't have big parties and this will be a passing problem.

Sorry but no one should feel they have to take a gift. It's not rude. It's more rude to expect one.

What kind of arsehole comes up to another adult and gives them a fucking list of stuff they (think) they did wrong?

Someone who also struggles with social etiquette, and recognised a fellow spirit?

I think you were fine except the gift (just stick £5 in a card in future , all kids love money and it saves stress). I think just be honest with people. Tell them you have autism and so does your daughter. No one who's worth knowing will mind.

I can see how the other parents may have thought that your behaviour was unusual if you stood close to the exit, didn't speak to anyone, went to your daughter Four or five times, took her to the bathroom a couple of times, helped her with a drink and also had to step outside yourself. However it's really bizarre that another mother whom you hardly know apart from seeing at your daughter's nursery previously just came up to you in the park and listed all of your supposed failings! if your DH was there as well, how did he react to this? Also surely if you struggle with social situations and knowing what the right thing is to do such as getting a gift, he should be helping you with this? Why did he not realise what the norm is in a situation like this?

While it is a social norm to bring a gift, I don't think party hosts should expect a gift especially is the current climate.

While I personally would take a gift to a child's party, we just hosted a party for my daughter, we hosted it so she could have fun with and get to know her new class mates. If a child / their parents didn't bring a gift I wouldn't have minded at all, as it was she was very lucky and got lots of lovely bits (too much really so if it would have been a few less I probably would have been greatful). The gifts ranged in price but each was very much appreciated.