Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

OP it sounds like you and your daughter coped really well with a stressful situation for you both. The mum who "helpfully" pointed out what you've done "wrong" is a massive dick

Are you also autistic like the OP?

I’ve had parties for my children where attendees have brought only a card. I just assumed they didn’t have enough money for a gift and have been grateful they didn’t just bring my DC extra crap tbh
Ive never attended a party without a gift but it’s not a big deal. The Dc will have plenty

OP, I wish I could be more positive but your DC us in reception? Unfortunately, it gets worse as they get older. You’ll have to grow a thick skin and ignore twats like the woman who gave you unsolicited feedback

Bring a gift anything at all really like a book,a craft set will get you by.
The parent that said that to you is a horrible cow

Aww bless you that sounds really hard.
From what you've said, if someone came to a childs party that I had organised, didn't talk to anyone, came without a small gift, hovered over their child only, I might think that's odd and a bit rude, I must stress, if I didn't know you.
Presumably to be invited they do know you?
I think as long as you really make an effort to say hello and a few words to the host, take a small gift, yes even a packet of sweets in a little bag is fine, sit with a coffee and thank them on the way out, that is all that's required and I'm horrified that someone has listed all your wrongdoings in this way, not kind at all.

Not bringing a gift to a child's birthday party is quite rude really, autistic or not. I work with people with severe autism and even they know).
And not knowing the child is no excuse either, as you have a DD yourself and a bit of colouring stuff or a puzzle generally goes down well with girls or boy for that matter.
everything else I would ignore

I'm sorry, you think the OP should cultivate a friendship with this complete cockbadger?

Some of the points are a bit harsh but at least you know what to focus on next time.

I think you have done incredibly well! I wish humanity would be more accepting of our neuro-diversity.
you did nothing wrong at all! I hate small talk too and I’m “neuro-typical”.
I hope your youngster enjoyed going along.
You don’t need to take a gift: some parents expect it but it’s ok not to. Consumerism is awful.
I hope you’re doing ok.

I don't expect people to bring a present to attend a party. I'd just be pleased to see them. Please ignore the rude woman, she was totally out of order. I'd happily invite you and your child to my child's birthday party.

@Willyoujustbequiet you don't have to have a wedding to be married.

I think it's wrong for the parent to moan about lack of gift. Everyone knows everyone is struggling. I'd be ever expect a gift.

The woman sounds insane. I’ve been in the same situation, having to follow my son everywhere while everyone else chats and feeling like I was doing everything wrong. You sound like you’re doing the right thing…don’t let other people put pressure on you to do things their way and have absolute faith in yourself. It’s great that you know that you’re autistic because you know exactly how to parent an autistic child. I didn’t realise I was autistic until my children were about 9 and 11 and one of the best things about my realisation (and diagnosis) was that I realised that I knew my ASD child far better than I thought I did. I thought autism was a great mystery😄.

I’d take a small gift in future but other than that you did nothing wrong.

I'd bring a gift generally. Can't imagine saying this to another adult though. I'm horribly antisocial but really at parties you just wander up to someone you vaguely recognise from the school gates and ask how their kids are settling in. Easy comments "its a great party you can tell by the noise" type stuff.

If you need a break just nip out and look at your phone or something.

The Bhutan flag comment made me smile🙂. I think my son knows all the flags too!

Me and DH took DD to the playground and she was there and decided to let me know. well that's not a "social norm" either. It's a horrid thing to do for some reason she wanted to make you feel you'd done something wrong. You really haven't committed any major faux par the lack of gift will be forgotten and if not then they aren't the sort of people I'd like to hand out with.

Don’t change anything except do take a gift or stick a fiver in a card.

The other shit doesn’t matter. If people think you’re weird then so be it. Their problem not yours.

OP I recently had a birthday party for my own DD. I've also been to other parties with children of different ages and some with SEN.

The other mother was wrong by being rude to you.

The things you did right:

• Only bringing the child that was invited and not her one or more uninvited other siblings as well, then being surprised there isn't any cake for them.
• Only one adult turning up instead of two adults.
• Ensuring your child behaved rather than upset another child, having a meltdown and acting later.
• Being polite and thanking the host

In regards to gifts the best gifts are sweets, a book token or something small unless you know the child.

She told you that you were rude! Blimey, she’s the rude one! I’m glad my kids parties days are long over, used to hate having to make small talk to people I didn’t know and only saw fleetingly at school drop off and pick ups, did not really make friends with them as too busy with work etc. Ignore this stupid woman who really needs to be told she’s the rude one!

@Echobelly it wasn't the birthday host mum, she was probably oblivious and didn't care about all the other things brought up - it was some other random parent sticking her beak in with a "list" of party do and don'ts!

Great post @RedWingBoots

What EarlofShrewsbury is saying above, OP. Totally nailed it. Hope you've recovered from that person's pointless nastiness. It's not you.

It’s customary to bring a gift - but for someone to point that out is itself very inappropriate. A couple of my DSs friends were from low income families and did not always bring a gift but always a hand drawn card and I always made sure we said a lovely thank you. If I thought that another parent had commented on the lack of gift I would have been very upset.
Jeans and a top is fine unless your boobs were hanging out or there was a rude slogan on the top.

Being autistic doesn’t = stupidity and in fact it’s often the opposite.

If you aren’t sure of social norms then you ask a friend, family member, Google it or ask on here.

Or like most people do get a card and shove £5 in - just in case when you get there you see others giving the child presents.

You clothes were absolutely fine.

Hovering around your child isn’t but if she was going to harm another child then you were right to step in.

You should have spoke to other parents but they should have also spoken to you too.
It’s difficult to speak to people you don’t know.

I think the woman sounds autistic herself as it sounds like she’s very black and white.

I think @RedWingBoots has an excellent post.