Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

I think this sounds like the start of adult bullying to me. Avoid this woman. YABU for having not taken a gift for the child though .

Who the fuckity fuck has the right to tell you what you wore and did was wrong...also how do they know you didn't stuff £50notes into the card

Times are hard , you don't HAVE to being a present. A card is fine if moneys tight.
I would hate for a child to miss out on a party if their parents were struggling to buy a present and they didn't want to turn up empty handed. Who wants 30 shitty Galt craft sets anyway....

If somebody invites you to a party, dinner or gathering then it's good manners to bring a gift even if you don't know the person. They invite you and you accept then you should take a gift.

You don't have to say that you have autism but you can say that you're socially anxious so that people understand your difficulties.

Re small talk, just keep it simple with introducing yourself & asking the other person questions so you don't need to talk much.

Smile occasionally and if eye contact bothers you then keep your gaze above or to the side of the person's head.

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/

Really good resources for women on the autism spectrum.

Bring*

The mum who told you your supposed failings sounds like a bitch. Like she wanted you to feel bad by putting the idea in your head that you were not being sociable enough and have the wrong clothes. Doesn't make it true, makes her a bully. I wonder, if she knows you a bit from nursery, she might have picked up on you being different and might even be trying to cause trouble. If you didn't hover round your daughter enough then your daughter might have hurt another child and if you didn't leave the room when you needed to you might have had a meltdown. Both of those things would give bitchy people something to gossip about, so she could just be one of those people who likes to stir up drama. I wouldn't want to get too friendly with her she sounds like potential trouble.

Unfortunately, some people notice people who are different in some way and view them as an easy target for bullying. This is especially true if their target person seems to not have any friends. I know sometimes people will make allowances if they know someone else has a diagnosis and it can be helpful to tell people for this reason. But also sometimes telling people about a diagnosis is just flagging up your differences to people and increasing your chances of becoming a target. Some people won't keep this information private, they'll tell everyone and it becomes a topic for gossip and bullies will hear about it. Or the person you tell turns out to be the bully.

Good grief, that judgy mum was awful giving you a list of your supposed shortcomings. What a complete cow!

Only a bully would appoint themselves judge and jury regarding children’s party etiquette.

Not buying a gift is really no big deal and to be honest, I wouldn’t want my child being friends with children whose parents value such superficial gestures.

Do people only have parties to get presents then? You don't have to take a present.
Something seems off about someone telling you what you did wrong? Say to the wonder what I think of you?

Gossiping is a social norm , must we all do that just because it is the norm ? None of us have to follow social norms if we do not want to.

I do feel for you. I am autistic and struggle with parties.
I offer to help in the kitchen. In halls there is usually a serving hatch so you can keep an eye on your DD but be out of the social noise.
Be upfront. I would have told the cheeky mum what you both went through to stay there

The other mum sounds like a right arsehole! The only thing I agree with is not taking a gift, even if it was just a £5 gift or moneyninna card, other than that, you have done nothing wrong x

I generally didn't go to birthdays as a child because of my social difficulties. The ones I did go to were close friends and I would spend a long time obsessing over getting them something that I knew they would love. Gift giving to me has always been a personal thing and as I'm not good at intimacy I like to give gifts to show that.

I haven't been to a party in about 15 years and this was DD's first. This is a child who I know nothing about and neither does DD. I had no idea what to get and it felt like a waste to spend money on something they might not like and that'd probably be thrown away. I couldn't get something that DD was interested in because I don't think that most children want a stop sign or the flag of Bhutan. I had no idea that it was an expectation because nobody ever told me. Now I know.

Autistic people often need things clearly spelled out. Social norms may be obvious to you but it isn't obvious to everybody. I try my best but I'm just not wired that way

I really hope the arse hole mother reads this post, silly bully.

Next time just stick a fiver in a card and get a box of Maltese or similar. Job done, I do that for my kids friends and they all have autism so prefer cash to spend 9n their latest special interest topics.

I also struggle to see how an adult can never have gone to any kind of party/event/celebration and be unaware that the custom is to take a gift...

The OP is married? So unless an elopement then that would mean they had a wedding and received gifts?

Even if they hadn't personally then you would know through watching television/school/family and friends....

I find this thread very odd.

What you did all seems fine to me. I would normally bring a gift, but I wouldn't mind if someone didn't and certainly would think it very rude to bring it up with someone that they didn't bring a gift. The other mother who said something sounds like she may be possibly a bit of a bully, or maybe she is just not very good socially herself. It would have been good manners for the other parents to have made an effort to speak to you as you didn't know them.

Maybe in future think of a few conversation starters before you go and then speak to the friendlier looking parents at parties. Also, you could always just put a £5 book token in with your cards in future if you can afford to easily. No waste and the child can choose their present.

Hope you are OK.

Well, her daughter is only 4yo and this is her first birthday party. You don't know these things until you know them

It might be her daughter's first birthday party but surely the parent has attended parties as a child? I mean there is a possibility not due to autism but I'm also struggling to grasp that an adult wouldn't know to bring a present to a party, whether it's their child's first party or not.

@Bananabr3ad

I'm sorry this happened. Please don't assume it came from the host. Just a very very rude woman!

Congratulate yourself & DD for getting through your first kids birthday party!

I understand how you feel about gifts, I'm the same (I'm in my 50's and not diagnosed with Autism, but I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out I am) I hate waste & I try very hard to choose a gift someone will love. However, over the years & many parties later, I ask the kids if they know anything the birthday child likes. There's usually something vague 'Yellow is her favourite colour' or 'she loves dinosaurs' and I might get something like yellow hair ties or a book about dinosaurs, failing that I tend to go for generic Lego & a bag of sweets, or a pencil case & pencils. Last minute... money in a card.

As the host though, I'm just happy the child has turned up & a homemade card is always appreciated. Or one out of a very cheap multi pack that the child has 'signed' or drawn in. I would be very upset if a child didn't come because the parent thought it unacceptable to come without a present.

it sounds like you 'acted' just fine at the party. The other woman sounds awful.

just because your kids went to the same nursery doesn't mean she has ANY right to critique you like that.

Do what you need to do to get you & DD through these things!! Everything sounds just fine.

just out of curiosity, what was the gobby cow wearing?

That's ridiculous. Number 1 was the only thing I would feel wasn't right. You could have stuck some money in the card at least.

I am kids party veteran, love them - went to every one, threw a party at every opportunity and sorry I don't believe it.

You are saying that another mother approached you after the first party your DD attended and reeled off the above list of misdemeanours. Nah, didn't happen. If it was a school party and your daughter just started in reception, parents are just getting to know each other (or not). Working, studying parents not at the school gates wouldn't know anyone. It's or even half term. How would another parent know you didn't buy the birthday girl a present? No one cares or notices what you wear - parents pick kids up after work, gym, DIY etc. If you were looking anxious and going in and out all the time, people would ask if you were okay or if you needed a chair etc. Is this one of those tedious reverse threads.

I appreciate that the 'list' could be things you may be concerned about but no way were apprehended by the party police.

My suggestions - buy a present, ask you DD what her friend likes. If in doubt stick a fiver in a card and box of maltesers.

Equi yourself with a few questions. (I helped my friend with these)

1. Which one is yours ( the kid)
2. How are they getting on at school?

These are good openers - neutral and it lets the other person do all the talking.

Not buying a present yabu. I struggle to believe you didnt realise people have presents at birthday parties. You also seem to be overthinking the gift. Just some sweets or a book/ book voucher is fine. It's doesn't have to be a deep meaningful thing that will be treasured forever at 5.
Everything else yanbu. The other lady sounds a complete nightmare. She should mind her own business. I would steer well clear.

Not talking to other parents is ok. Ignoring them or being rude is not ok. There is quite a fine line. If you don't want to chat just say hello to everyone and how are they when you arrive. Then sit somewhere else. But in general, you are going to have to interact with these people for the next few years, so making a bit of effort might be worthwhile

Do you realise how hard that "making a bit of an effort" is for someone with autism is? Especially when in an environment where they are probably in sensory overload.

Op. It may be an idea to make one or two of the other parents aware of both yours and your child's autism.
I'm very upfront about my autism, I don't do school playground chit chat, I do talk to a select few occasionally but that's it. At children's parties I sit in a corner by myself and escape regularly when it all gets too much (do this at adult events too). The difference is that many of the other parents know I'm autistic, they know I'm not being rude and they also make the effort to say hello to me and give me the chance to escape if they see that I'm starting to go in to overload.
I've got my own NT sons birthday party coming up and I'm dreading it, much less chance to escape when it's your own child's birthday party. Thankfully he's happy to have a small affair with only the 8 of them.

I think that you did well.

Regarding a gift you could always take £5 in at pick up time and say, ‘I’m sorry I realised when I got in that I hadn’t put the money in the card’.

well, it's not compulsory to read or contribute to every thread. Just move on & find another

The not bringing a gift was really a faux pas, parties cost a lot to put on, so it looks a bit rude not to bring even a token gift.

As to the noise, Heck, I hate parties and noise, too and have to escape for a bit of quiet ,This is entirely normal for many people.

I'm quite shocked at the amount of people saying YABU and it's a big no-no not to bring a gift! WTF does it matter? It's nice to have but I wouldn't think anything bad of a child not bringing a gift DC party. If I even noticed then I would assume they couldn't afford it, forgot, were busy. I wouldn't be bothered. I don't think it's as big a deal as many people on here are making out. You gave a card OP and that was thoughtful.