Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Far far rider than any of those bullet points was the fact that some other parent listed these things to you!!

Who was this bizarre person with no self awareness telling you about yourself. I hope you told her she was extremely inappropriate.

FYI a general social convention rule is always take a gift if you are invited to someone’s house for a social event, be that a small gift for a child’s party or a bottle of wine if invited for dinner.

That's exactly what I was wondering?

I mean who bumps into another parent in a kid's play park and starts listing their 'shortcomings' like that?

A good host would never criticise no gift. My view was always I dreaded what people bought so wld rather have not had to worry about it and wld have been perfectly happy with no gift.

Having said that it is the expectation unless it specifically says not to in the invite. In terms of what the gift shld be I always found the works useful and tried to either get a book with a decent story in or something that got used up. If all else fails a box of maltesers and some stickers was always a good bet.

Whoever gave you the “feedback” needs to learn some social graces themselves.

re small talk - if you don’t want to then don’t - but the reality is that people may think you are being snobbish rude rtc

just pick some boring topics and go with thst. And remember that small talk is just social filler. So talk about the weather, what’s happening at school, ask about plans for Xmas. Etc

I am sorry you feel this way your post upsets me. Mainly because I find situations like this very difficult myself and I know the pressure and secondly because you are desperately trying for your DD which makes you a lovely mum. I would honestly pull the mum next time now you have had chance to process and just say hi xs mum I have been thinking about our earlier chat. I find it really rude you said this to me I just wanted to make you aware I am actually autistic and so is DD and I feel that it is important that you try and educate yourself that not everyone is NT and to be respectful and mindful that other people might not work like you. And then just walk away. I am so sick of people putting others under pressure. Individuals who are ND should not have to mould to fit in to the world the world should bend and mould to fit them. I would literally throw a bag of sweets a book for the birthday child and say oh sorry I forgot your present the other day. Just as a curteousy.

What an incredibly strange experience. Who does this women think she is?

Out of interest, was the top really low cut or have a slogan? Surely there is more to it than it just being a plain red tshirt and black cardigan.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong at all. The party that you’ve described sounds like it would be hell on earth for a lot of people and it was made worse by you not knowing anyone there.

I can’t fathom how the woman who gave you this feedback could be so direct and so rude! How did it even come up in conversation? “By the way, these are the things you did wrong at the party…”? It’s really bizarre behaviour. A lot stranger than your behaviour at the party.

Gosh that woman sounds so rude, unnecessarily so. Gifts - if I don't know the child well I tend to choose a colouring book or activity book. £1 or so and easily passed on if not their thing. And not environmentally catastrophic. Other than that I can't see what you did wrong. And going out for a breather from all the noise sounds very healthy.

That feedback is just bizarre!
Do remember to always take a gift though, however small.

Your behaviour was a little odd but the other mother’s was a thousand times odder. What a rude person she is.

I'm so sorry you were told off by another adult! Is it someone you are close to and have asked for help? Otherwise she's the one who doesn't know how to behave correctly! It seems you've mostly done fine. As you say, if people don't know your child is autistic they won't understand your intervening so much, but that can't be helped, you're not going to advertise it to all and sundry. Small talk is very difficult for some of us even without autism, and on top of that I found a lot if mums quite cliquey and unwelcoming when my children were little, so I wouldn't say this was on you at all. Maybe try a smile at some on future occasions, see if anyone responds in a friendly way.

I think it's more weird that the other parenting was observing you the whole time. Very creepy behaivour from her.

I'm struggling to understand how anyone can get to adulthood and be a parent without knowing you take a gift to a child's party.

I say that as a mother of an child with ASD.

By never having gone to one, never having had one and never having held one?

You really do make a habit of being rude & nasty to other posters, which is FAR worse than anything the OP did or didn't do.

Please please please let this woman post on AIBU “AIBU to have given another mum a list of her shortcomings when attending a children’s party? We’ll make mincemeat of her.

So you didn’t bring a gift. Lesson learned and you won’t do that again. And while it’s generally an expectation to bring a gift, this child isn’t really going to miss out or probably even care that they got 29 bits of plastic tat instead of 30. But lesson learned and nobody died.

The rest though, frankly she can fuck off.

Well, her daughter is only 4yo and this is her first birthday party. You don't know these things until you know them.

There's a lot of posters saying you should have taken a present. I dont really agree. If you can't afford one, you can't afford one. I would much rather a child attend my dcs party and have fun, then not attend as their parent can't afford a present. I think ther person who told you all those things were rather rude.

OK well it's not you and it's not about being neurodiverse. I'm neurotypical and have done dozens of children's parties over the years and, other than the gift, I have no idea why anything else you did was deemed inappropriate. Nor can I imagine a world in which is was appropriate for this woman to have that sort of conversation with you. Cow.

It sounds like you made a really good effort, but maybe if you don't feel up to these events you could get someone else to bring DD to future parties?

I used to have severe anxiety from PTSD and would sometimes get a friend or family member to bring DCs to birthday parties, as you are expected to socialise and I didn't always feel that I could manage it.

Always bring a present.

The rest, I can't believe anyone had the time to watch you that much! Well, I do actually but I'm baffled why they bothered.

These sorts of parties are hell for most parents and the good ones watch their child, take them to the loo and help them with a drink if they need it. Some, just hang around and gossip. I'd rather meet you than the person who had time to note all this.

It is appallingly rude someone would provide a huge list of 'faults' in this way. It is also intrusive and strange on their part.

For a gift, you can always get something like a small colouring book (horses, cats, are probably good if you aren't sure what she is into), from an eco-friendly firm if pos. Nothing to stop you giving it to the mother, saying thank you for the invite and sorry we forgot to bring a present, here it is.

I really can't see this happening.

I’m not being sarcastic here….but I wonder the ‘proclaimer of bad behaviour’ is neuro diverse herself?

Totally agree. Very unusual for someone to bring up the points that this woman made and she wasn't even the host. For app she knew you popped a gift in the card