Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Wow. I completely agree that the person saying these things to you is the rude one . What a horror, honestly.

I've held parties and there have been times no gift came. I honestly thought about it for a moment but then thought no more of it, knowing people can have their reasons. I agree with what you say tbh. A bag of sweets in a card is usually a winner for future parties.

Every other comment from this person, I hope you can disregard. I wouldn't ask this person or others in the school setting for advice on this. Some people just need to put others down. x

Op, you sound lovely - I'd like to give you a hug! I'm glad you have DH to have your back.

The woman at the party was a stone bitch - and she knew that by the way she ran off when your DJ came over! Wtf was she thinking?? What a cow.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all.

I'm going to get the child a gift and bring it tomorrow at pick up. I hope that this isn't going to be the start of schoolgate bullying and we can just put it all behind us.

Give the child a lovely box of whistles.

OP, the other woman sounds unhinged. You probably should take a small gift but realistically, nobody should expect one or care if you don't buy a piece of plastic tat. Your reason for not thinking you should is perfectly valid and more logical than a whole class party getting children stuff they won't use

Ignore the insufferable cow and don't let her get to you

I think a recorder sounds ideal

I really feel for you in this situation. I uave massive social anxiety and even at my own wedding I hid in the kitchen.
You did nothing wrong, others have commented about gifts, I usually buy books or something small like that, The Works is great for low cost items.

The rest, try to forget it. I don't care about being friends with the parents of my child's friends. I say hi and that's it. You did amazingly well, some people just don't know when to mind their own business.

I second this..

Well done for writing all this down and helping us understand another point of view. Sometimes over protective parenting is grating but we can all see why you were on standby and how hard it is for an autistic person. I must say with all that chaos and overload and thought's/stress running round your head. I think you did really well. Don't stop mixing and integrating it's vitally important that you do for both you and your child. Did the hostess know you are both on the spectrum?. Maybe you should have explained and they might be more understanding you are very eloquent and express yourself very well.

I read into this that the person who pulled her aside , knew of the situation and was getting information to her . I wonder if the rest of class had been aware, would she have even invited. Yea, she should have taken a gift but the other mothers could
have attempted to strike up a conversation with her, it’s a two way street

OP you sound lovely and you and your DD coped well with what you describe a very noisy and chaotic environment. The over emphasis of other parents for gifts is a bit grabby and needs a rethink, given money is tight for many people. If I was hosting, I would've overlooked that. Some people have nothing better to focus on. If you can afford one, it seems your suggestion of giving a small gift at the school gate is a good idea.
The parent who spoke to you may initially have meant well but really over stepped, especially the comment about what you were wearing. They were rude, not you.

As a mum of a child with ASD, I just want to say my heart goes out to you & I think its great that you are reaching out to ask for help and advice.
Do the other parents know you & your child are autistic? If you are ok with it, maybe slowly start letting some of the parents be aware. Apart from the not giving a gift, I really do not know why the other issues are a problem AND I really think its inappropriate for THAT parent to talk to you like this!!

I agree with this ^^

You should have brought a gift for the birthday child. A book or a box of chocs only cost a few pounds. It’s normal for the invitee to bring a card and a present for the birthday child.

However, nobody should pass comment on how many times you left the room or how you were dressed. It’s not as if you wore something outrageous or inappropriate. Jeans and a top is perfectly acceptable for a child’s birthday party

I haven't read the full thread but I've read all the OP's comments and a fair few of other peoples.

I am joining the chorus of voices saying the behaviour of this other mother is incredibly inappropriate and rude! I mean she must have really been watching you closely to notice all that (which is also rude). Who even notices if someone doesn't give a present in a room of 4/5 year olds racing about?!? Or if someone is coming and going?? And then after that to come and tell you a list of what you did wrong?!? Crikey she sounds a total knob!

My dd has additional needs and I'm always having to launch myself into soft play areas at parties to retrieve her from some mishap or other. She needs help with the loo as well and I'm sure some parents think I'm a bit over protective too as her disability isn't completely obvious at first glance.

Also more than once I've left the birthday present in the car/ pushchair (dd still needs one limited mobility) and had to run and give it to the other parent in the car park afterwards / or at school the next day. From what I can tell it was never a mega scandal (though maybe I'm a social pariah and don't even know it 😝)! I had a party for dd recently and honestly I don't think id have known if there was a gift missing from someone.

Sorry very long post basically this other mum sounds like she's the one being inappropriate not you.

I have taken my kids to hundreds of birthday parties and yes you bring a gift for the birthday child unless the invite specifically requests no gifts.

However nothing else you did was wrong. In my time at parties I have witnessed heaps of parents not socialising and that is fine they are doing the right thing by their child in taking them to the party so the child has the opportunity to have fun and socialise.Not everyone’s social, some are shy, some in cliques, some may have other things going on in their life etc. I always make an effort to say hi and try to chat to the other parents but some are just not interested and I respect that. At the end of the day I’m there for my child and as long as the are happy, safe and having a good time that’s all that matters.

Don’t worry about the mum that gave you this feedback OP she sounds like one of the nasty ones I would try to avoid.

How come your DH didn’t point out a gift would be expected?

This...
You are allowed to make decisions too.
You did not hurt anyone

Try to ignore the other parent she sounds very rude and a bit of a bully. She's probably spotted that you are 'socially vulnerable' and is just being nasty. The way she spoke to you was not appropriate - she clearly lacks a few social skills herself!

Yes, you should take a gift to a party but the rest of your behavior is totally fine.

Perhaps text the party host to say thank you again and 'it was so lovely to be invited and DD had a wonderful time. As you might know, we are both autistic so social situations can be challenging for both of us but DD had a lovely time'

Not that you should have to explain yourself, but at least this might clarify why you weren't being overly social. It wasn't that you were being rude.

It would be very unusual to not bring a gift to a children's party. The same as it would be very unusual to go to a wedding and not buy a gift or turn up at someone's house for dinner without bringing a bottle of wine. Even some stickers/sweets would be fine, but to come with nothing is not the done thing. My mum once sent me to a party with no gift as she "hadn't had time" to get one and I still remember the embarrassment I felt as a kid. I don't think it's helpful to tell the OP that a gift isn't expected, because it's absolutely the norm to bring one. Where it "should" be or not is another discussion entirely.

*Whether

You know next time to get a present. I’m sorry you’ve had negative reactions to your own diagnosis. I think you navigated the party very well.
The other mum who took it upon herself to tear you down is using you to feel better about herself.

I actually can't believe that anyone would be so rude! I don't think a present should be expected under any circumstances and nothing else is at all out of the ordinary. How dare she complain about what you wear. She isn't someone I would give the time of day to again.

This. The most inappropriate behaviour in all this is the insecure non socialised person who took it upon themselves to observe and correct another person. All sounds fine to me including the gift. You could make a nice late gesture and get something very small and give to child saying you hadn’t managed for the party. But only if you feel like it. The rest sounds fine. We are all what we are. These etiquettes are a nightmare to us all until we get into the swing. I think taken far too seriously. As I said, shame the bossy know it al still has to learn theirs.

OMG that lady was awful. You sound fantastic and a great parent. Mind yourself

Doesn’t sound as though the hostess/ host is the person to worry about here!

That’s really horrible, that someone thought it ok to pull you up on all that random stuff. People sometimes can’t afford gifts and a party of 30 kids, well I don’t think birthday child is going to be that bothered about everyone bringing a present anyway? Tbh, when it’s such a big party they often say don’t bother with pressies because they don’t want that much tat to deal with! And all the other things, I don’t really get and feel that she was watching very closely and singling you out.
I actually think this woman is being a bitch and trying to put you down. I would reply and explain all things as if she’s a total idiot.