Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

It is hard for people with autism to make small talk though, that's the point!

I’m sorry you’ve been spoken to like this. Like others have said, the only thing you did wrong was not take a gift but I’d never judge a parent for not bringing one either. The fact she walked off as your husband approached shows she knows she was out of order for saying these things to you

As a fellow autist, what strikes me is it takes two to tango - or to not tango as the case was.
I.E. you didn't talk to people, but neither did people talk to you. You can hardly take the blame for this.

I often have forgotten kids presents because I'm terribly disorganised, but have always got 'it's fine, don't worry about it' - you get tons of crap at a whole class bday party, honestly it's a relief if people don't bring presents, or bring a small amount amazon voucher or something.

Commenting on your dress is just rude

This! This is the only unreasonable thing for your post.

I don't think you did anything wrong, apart from not bringing a gift, no matter how small.

It might have been appropriate to speak to the party organiser and explain your predicament, I'm sure it would have been fine.

The other parent sounds like a bit of a cow tbh. Some might say a perfect parent!

Seriously if someone had given me a list of my imagined misdemeanours. I would have told her to fuck off.
Sweets or a little book and a card next time. Good luck mate xx

Hope you’re ok, OP.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you’ve tried to do all the right things and tried to make sure your DD has a nice time that she can manage.

The woman who spoke to you sounds horrible! Nasty and bullying. She’s the one who is in the wrong in this situation, not you. Don’t let it knock your confidence or put you off mixing in future.

The gift is the only thing I can see wrong here. Even then, I don't think I would actually be bothered myself, or even notice if somebody turned up with just a card. There are lots of birthdays since my child went to school I look out for suitable gifts on offer (£5-£10) and put them away in a box. Also buy packs of kids birthday cards as is much cheaper than buying individual cards.

What you wear or how you interact with your child - don't see how that's anybody else's business. As for not talking to people, well, as other posters have said, why did nobody talk to you? When the shy/autistic parent turns up at the birthday party it's up to the other parents to try to make them feel welcome - not tell them everything they did wrong!

Just to let you know it’s not usual to approach someone and give them a telling off!
for parties it is usual to give a gift although I can’t imagine anyone noticing if you don’t, money is tight and a bar of chocolate, bag of haribos, box of Maltesers etc would be fine and the birthday child will think it’s amazing 👍
are there any friendlier mums you could confide in? Or maybe speak to the class teacher, they may be able to link you up with someone who could help you with the new situations or give you the heads up for what’s expected in different situations or if you felt able to tell people but that’s up to you to decide how much you share. Good luck, parenting is a minefield, it sounds like you are doing a great job helping your daughter to cope with school. Try not to beat yourself up .

Sorry if I've missed this, but is your DH autistic too? Surely he could have told you that it's the norm to take a present to a birthday party rather than leaving you in that position? The other things don't seem too bad. I'm be been to birthday parties before and not really talked to other parents that I didn't know.

Just to add, the £5-£10 gifts can start to add up if there's a birthday party every weekend (because when they're little they invite the whole class!) For a child that's not a particular friend, the people suggesting box of maltesers might be more on the mark.

I think it’s fucking terrible for everyone to say you are wrong not to bring a gift. Yes, it’s generally custom, yes you could take a small gift, but in the case of someone not being able to afford it, how bloody awful of anyone to think badly of them.

That’s why some parents don’t take their kids to school parties, for fear of being shamed by other parents. Then it’s only the kids that miss out, on both sides, and I’m sure the birthday child wouldn’t give a toss (or even notice) if there was one less gift.

I wouldn’t think badly at all of someone if they didn’t bring a gift, I’d just be grateful that they made the effort to show up at all for my kids birthday.

As for the women that pulled you up OP - complete cunt - you should feel free to tell her this next time and really give her something to squirm about

Woah there people, who said a gift is required, when did that become a rule?! What about people who can’t afford it or don’t have time to go and get one or don’t know what to get? What happened to the pleasure of someone’s company being enough? Anyone who comes to my child’s birthday party can wear whatever they like, is under no obligation to bring a gift, and is welcome to parent their child however they see fit without owing anyone an explanation for it and is welcome to leave the room as often as they need. Poor OP! Whoever said these things to you is an absolute knob. The only thing you need to do differently is not waste another moment of your precious life worrying about what that absolute cretin thinks.

In my book going up to someone and listing their faults and criticizing their clothing is not appropriate behavior at a children’s party. Maybe someone should have a word with her.

OP, you did so well and I'm so sorry you were criticised so unpleasantly. Please don't let those unkind comments get to you.

That lady is not a friend. Smile politely at her when you see her but otherwise, I hope you soon find someone much more pleasant and decent to hang out with.

You're absolutely right that buying an unwanted gift would have been a waste.. The whole gift buying for big parties, and party bag culture has been crazy and wasteful for decades and it would be great if every parent could agree to abandon them. But that's the trouble - until then, it's expected, wasteful as it is.

You put yourself completely out of your comfort zone in order to let your child have a good time. You're a star xx

I wonder if it’s appropriate to have a word with the teacher about doing something around autism awareness and acceptance with the class and families. Without naming anyone it might be good for families to learn about the neuro diversities that some families live with so that they can learn to be kind and not judgemental.

I’m a parent of an autistic child and a teacher of many. I know many autistic adults as well and try not to judge people at the school gates. I can’t believe people criticised you for not socialising when no one made the effort to talk to you. I usually make the effort to speak to a parent at a party who is on their own - and leave them alone if they would prefer.

I have had judgy comments made to me about my child in the earlier days and have had to drop it into the conversation that’s she’s autistic, which does seem to shock the judgy person into silence.

I really hope you manage to make a friend or few within the group as you do have to spend the next few years seeing those people. The school playground is a very cliquey and isolating place.

This!

The other mum’s behaviour is far more inappropriate than yours!

I have done lots and lots of parties (two kids with the youngest now nearly at the end of primary).

The gift is true - buy something generic - then if the child doesn’t like it, it can be passed on.

Chatting - most parents tend to mainly stare at their phones at parties with a bit of social interaction sometimes.

Hovering - my eldest was very shy so tended to spend early parties on my lap so I was definitely a hoverer in the early days - as the only way to get her to join in was to join in myself. My youngest is a bit funny with food so I tend to hang around to make sure there aren’t issues. I have perfected the “helpful hovering”. (Basically I grab a jug of water - ds will only drink water - and wander round offering it to the kids and then filling the jug up.)

Leaving the room - am amazed anyone noticed! And surely you can’t be constantly leaving the room and hovering simultaneously!

Outfit - there’s always a complete range of outfits among the mums. Unless you were dressed in your best dominatrix outfit (complete with whip) you really can’t be dressed wrongly for a kids’ party.

Wow. She is very rude and inappropriate. I would try to avoid her if you can, as she sounds unkind.

The present thing is annoying as it can feel wasteful, but it is definitely expected.

Is anyone else picturing the other mum as Amanda from Motherland or just me?

This whole thing seems very strange. All the kids parties I’ve been to have been loud and chaotic with people in an out of the room all the time, going over to their kids all the time - was this mum sitting watching your every move, whilst hovering over the present table the whole time with a note pad and pen keeping tabs on who brought what present? I can’t picture it, or the way she spoke to you.

You were amazing 🤩 my kid is autistic so I understand your feelings and worries. I’m not autistic and I feel overwhelmed at kid’s birthday parties. Like some have said a gift even if it’s just sweets.

I agree that the other woman is rude. Don't stop DD enjoying these sorts of experiences because someone else thinks it's OK to criticise you. I can't see that you did anything wrong. 🌸

She was rude and also weird.

Agree that society expects you to take a gift. Stationery from a poundland type shop does the job. I have found girls love getting stationery and it’s useful!!

Get your daughter to make a card to save money.

But everything else she said lands somewhere between bonkers (for the degree of observation of another person) and plain rude (for thinking she had the right to dump her negativity on you).

The gift is the only thing I think you should done differently.

That woman sounds like a right bitch.

Tbh I think the only thing is no gift.

Apart from that nothing.
Think this parent is out of order.
You pro actively worked with your daughter to stop her getting into bad situations.
I think you did well.
Maybe apologise for the lack of present and ask the parent wat you could buy to make up for it.
Just show her your post on here. I'm sure any reasonable person would understand.
Good luck with the next one.
Just remember stay calm
Xx