Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

The other mum has been far more socially unacceptable than you not taking a gift which is the only point I think that was fair at all. Saying that over the years I've had no presents, a shower gel, a box of weird chocolates in Christmas paper etc for my kids and I don't really think much of it

I think it would be a nice gesture to take a small gift in to school. For that age I would usually get an art set/busy book/colouring pens etc something a kid of 5 usually uses a lot of.

I would have got a book or gift token. Other than that you did nothing wrong. Was it the parent of the birthday child who commented? Nobody else's business whether you gave a gift or not. Is there one of the parent's who appears friendlier than others? If so I'd have a chat giving a brief explanation of you & your child's challenges. Maybe they could offer you support.

You did great OP - the other mum is horrendously rude, and a bully. Breeze past her with a loud" hello, nice to see you, bright smile", without stopping ever, in future. Practice if you have to. Do it everytime - force her to hear,particularly if others are around.

Parties like this are a nightmare for everyone and double that for you and your DD. You did great and the person who gave you that feedback needs to take a look at themselves. In my view, if you spot it you've got it! Next time take a small box of sweets or a token.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for you.
With the present thing, I used to have a few Barbie's and a few mini Lego boxes for parties in the cupboard.

I had a mum think she was "helpful" once who told me I was inappropriate at a party as I asked the host "too many questions about the food" which was apparently "very rude". According to this know it all, I was gearing up for him to be a fussy eater as I gave in so easily and when young children see their peers eating a good they will be less likely to decline it. She was incredible smug.

I pointed out DS has incredibly severe allergies, including if one food stuff of the many he is allergic to is in the air around him, so I had to check or he could, you know, die in the middle of the party which would be a buzz kill for the kid whose party it was.

She looked stunned. Party hosts mum who knew why I was cautious laughed and said "yep so that's why and why I didn't mind".

Sod the woman who berated you. People who don't have to directly deal with illnesses or disabilities have no idea really the ramifications. DS actually has other health issues along with his allergies and the amount of people who raised eyebrows as if I was babying him was ridiculous.

You did nothing wrong whatsoever.
The person critiquing you was massively inappropriate and they should be thoroughly ashamed, their observations were bonkers.

I think what has happened here is you haven't brought a present so someone has decided to nit-pick.

Tbh I always struggle with what to get so I just stick a fiver in a card.

There seems to be a serious lack of understanding around your daughter's condition. Your 'hovering' is more their problem with their lack of understanding than it is with our parenting. I wish all parents with a child like yours were a bit more like this. I do know a couple and they routinely palm their children off on others at parties. I understand it's difficult for them but it just results in the child getting in trouble and the other children no want to include them.

I'd take no gift over a conscientious parent any day. 🙂

If this was me OP l, I would get my DH to pull her to one side if he does a school pick up soon and explain that you are autistic and didn’t understand why you were targeted by her in the playground like that. And that in future maybe she could be more understanding of that.

I know you don’t want to bring it up but in this instance she was totally out of order and the way she spoke to you was rude and frankly nothing to do with her. She needs telling because she sounds like a gossip and a bully. Also I don’t understand why what you were wearing is a concern?

Dont let it put you off. Yes maybe a fiver in the card next time but it really isn’t the end of the world. She’s just an arse.

This broke my heart a bit, I'm about to self refer for an autistic diagnosis and really feel for you re feeling you 'don't know the rules'. I think the other parent sounds mean, and also inconsistent - how can you be both 'hovering' and 'absent'. I know I'd have checked in with you to check you were ok as I can often recognise fellow neurodiverse people. Bringing a gift is the norm but I recently had a party for 30 kids and would never have clocked who did/didn't bring a gift, I would clock someone who didn't turn up though so the fact you did is what matters to the birthday girl and parents. Re gifts, if I'm really stuck, I tend to get either a kids magazine (Nat Geographic is unisex and educational) or just craft, (pencils and a colouring in book) or £5 in a card. It's not obligatory to bring anything but a token of some sort is a nice gesture.

My god this women who feels the need to be 'party police' sounds like a complete and utter bitch. I'm sorry OP.

OP, the parent who criticised you like this sounds like an utter twat. How incredibly rude of her. You went to a kids party, not tea with the queen!

And all these posters saying the no gift was unreasonable, well i for one would never have held that against you. If you haven’t responded to said critique yet, all you need to say is that you and your daughter are autistic and that she needs to consider peoples differences before jumping to conclusions as to what constitutes appropriate behaviour, especially when were talking about a child’s birthday party.

Sounds to me like you and your daughter done a brilliant job and I have similar struggles to you, so please ignore the cow who told you otherwise. She’s the rudest person BY FAR in this situation x

Seriously, everything you did was right. People don't understand neurodiversity, that's their problem.

Being ASD youre very logical and your logic is spot on, but people 'expect' presents, so its not considered acceptable. I had people come to my wedding without presents, I was a little surprised, but we quickly get over ourselves cos present giving should never be expected.

Adults make mountains out of mole hills - the child would never have known, but now they'll have heard adults talking about it like it's one of the 10 deadly sins. 🙄 lf I was you I'd send something to school with your DD - find something cute - birthday child will enjoy opening an unexpected pressie.

As others have mentioned and you've taken on board, the only possible faux pas was the lack of a gift. Honestly, if someone came without a gift to one of my kids parties, I'd make no comment to anyone on the assumption that times were tight. Kids get that much crap at birthdays that they've no need for all of it! But it's the done thing, and the cycle continues....

The most inappropriate by far was the cheeky bitch who approached you out of nowhere to inform you of all the ways you'd failed to meet her standards!! I feel really sorry for you that you're now second guessing yourself due to her appalling manners. You are the better person here, hopefully hearing so many people saying this will make you feel a little better. 💐

Honestly OP it sounds like you did really well - a kids' birthday party can be a sensory overload even if you're neurotypical!

IMO pointing out somebody else's bad manners is the height of rudeness (unless you have specifically asked someone to help you with navigating social expectations which it doesn't sound like you did)

so sad to read this post. What have we learnt as a society if someone thinks giving you feedback like this is appropriate. we always took gifts to the children having all class parties but our children did not always receive a gift from every child attending and actually that was a relief. One less thank you card to write. Do hope you will take comfort from all the comments and soldier on. The primary years are hard

Bless you @Bananabr3ad! What a twat that other woman sounds!

I believe Ms. Busy Body should have been paying more attention to her child and less to you and your goings on. Not bringing a gift was a faux pas, but the rest is her being rude and bossy. Should you decide to brave the group again, and I hope you will, perhaps an advance word to the hostess about your daughters struggles with autism. It's been my experience that once people know what's happening, they are kind and eager to help if/when necessary.

OP you did nothing wrong at all and it was extremely rude of those who implied that you did.

I may be old fashioned but good manners are never to make a guest or other person feel like you were made to feel

I agree you should have taken a gift but otherwise the woman who said this to you sound really out of order. The fact that she kept on at you when you were apologising and commented on her clothes makes me think she sounds like a bully.

The Mum who felt she had to bring all this to your attention sounds horrid. You can always chat to the parent of the birthday child and explain you are autistic, and your child. It's nothing to he ashamed of. Also you wasn't aware that you needed to bring a gift. You will know for next time. Not sure who gave the lady the right to be so critical of you 🤔

Good grief - what a horrible person she sounds! I can understand someone wanting to offer some kind advice, but that wasn’t advice and it wasn’t kind!

I agree with others. You did nothing wrong and seem to have handled yourself very well.

Yes a small gift is required and general arts/crafts, colouring book or toy is fine between £5-10. I usually look for what’s in the sales too. Perhaps you can still get something & give at the school? Say you had forgotten to bring it on the day perhaps or just been too busy lately to get it sorted.

The rest of the comments are unwarranted and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone especially this rude person.

You should definitely have brought a gift: anything at all, even if it was something you found at a thrift shop or made yourself. (In fact, I value homemade gifts more than anything else.)

None of the other complaints were valid, although it would have been better if could have made some small talk with people. Maybe you can find some therapist or some group that will help you to learn how to do it, because there are many situations where being able to engage in small talk is a big plus. It's not hard, and commenting on the weather is always an acceptable way to start a conversation. Complimenting someone on something she wears is good, too. But, if you can't think of anything, just smile at people.

The rest of the complaints made no sense, and I wouldn't tell someone who already seems hostile and nasty that you or your daughter are autistic. That will only be something they will spread around, negatively, of course. It may be that she somehow knew or guessed that already, and that's why she was extra mean. People are like that sometimes, they will pick on you if they think you are "weak" or different.

This post is heartbreaking , how dare someone take it upon themselves to tell you things they feel you " did wrong" ! My daughter is Autistic and this level of ignorance Infuriates me. You can wear whatever you want , anyone can, it's personal choice, you can spend as much time as you like checking your child is coping and also it's not unreasonable to step out of you need to
It is usually expected to arrive with a gift but if I was at a party and someone didn't bring one I'd not think much of it, I understand your reasoning but maybe pop a few pounds in a card next time
You don't have to make small talk, I'm not impressed these adult women acted like school girls
Maybe tell them in future your child and you are Autistic so they shut the fuck up!
You did nothing wrong at all my lovley xx

Poppingmad123 has a good suggestion, to get a gift and take it to school. Like she says, you can just make an excuse and say something like you forgot to bring it, or you didn't have time to wrap it before the party.