Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Honestly OP, I think you've just met the bully mum of your class.

The gift thing is understandable (honestly I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, but not everyone is like that) and your comment about the flag of Bhutan did make me giggle. Your daughter sounds awesome! A bag of sweets and a fiver in a card is my go to when I really don't know the child, but you know that now for next time.

Everything else is completely fine, I think the mum is utterly rude to have commented on any of it. I have to stay with DS (7) at parties to support him when he inevitably becomes overhwlemed and destructive.

Keep doing as your doing OP. you sound like a wonderful mum who is supporting her DD to access everything she can in life, even when it's hard on you x

The other mum was incredibly rude to you by saying these things and I personally feel she took advantage of your quieter nature to get these digs in.
You did absolutely nothing wrong even with not bringing a present! I have read time and time again on here many people state that presents shouldn’t be expected and nobody should have to give a gift so it’s ironic that the majority are now saying it’s a absolute must!
Please try and work out a reply you could keep in your head for if this awful mum says anything like this again - get your DH to help you - something that lets her know it’s not acceptable to judge someone like that and definitely not acceptable to tell them.

I think that mum needs to learn how to behave, not you. And the fact you are so self aware and trying for your child is so great. She needs to take a leaf out of your book.

just so you know you can parent anyway you want, wear what you want, talk to who you want and if you need to leave the room then leave and she can bloody well just deal with it.

present….. I would probably say just go on the internet before each party and search ‘birthday present for x yr old boy/girl’ and buy something off that. I do that. Or I text the parent and ask ‘what would they like for a birthday present’
but ultimately you don’t NEED to bring a present but it will be noticed and to avoid awkwardness… and help your child fit it, it’s expected.

Honestly OP, I think you've just met the bully mum of your class.

The gift thing is understandable (honestly I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, but not everyone is like that) and your comment about the flag of Bhutan did make me giggle. Your daughter sounds awesome! A bag of sweets and a fiver in a card is my go to when I really don't know the child, but you know that now for next time.

Everything else is completely fine, I think the mum is utterly rude to have commented on any of it. I have to stay with DS (7) at parties to support him when he inevitably becomes overhwlemed and destructive.

Keep doing as your doing OP. you sound like a wonderful mum who is supporting her DD to access everything she can in life, even when it's hard on you x

The other mum sounds absolutely awful. She was extremely rude to speak to you as she did. You sound a lovely, caring mum who is trying to ensure your child isn't disadvantaged in any way. A real shame the other mum doesnt have the self awareness you have.

None of what you have said is unreasonable at all. Way way way more inappropriate and rude for someone to mention any of these things - unless they are a close friend and you asked for guidance. I’m intrigued how she knew you didn’t bring a present …

Just the present bit.. that's the mistake. Leaving the room to center yourself protecting your child and wearing jeans.. no issues .. the lady with the list of issues for you is in the wrong .. who made her social secretary and why did she think you needed this advice?

I have been in your shoes. I am not diagnosed but my daughter is and knowing what I know about autism now, I probably am on the spectrum also.

The only thing I could say was 'wrong' was the gift. If I was not sure I would get a gift card. However, what I would NEVER do is mention to anyone that someone never brought a gift to a party. They don't know the reason why you didn't and the fact that it was mentioned it says heaps more about their shortcomings than it does about yours.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are uniquely placed to understand your daughter's difficulties and as a result I am sure she will learn to cope with her additional challenges because you can advocate from a place of knowing on a level others simply cannot.

It sounds like it was well managed by you and your DD. Maybe the person who commented needs to educate themselves in neurodiversity and being inclusive. I can’t see anything that you did wrong at all.

I have read time and time again on here many people state that presents shouldn’t be expected and nobody should have to give a gift so it’s ironic that the majority are now saying it’s a absolute must!
I think it is a must actually, especially for a child.
Why would you want your kid to be the only one that turn up empty handed?

Sure people say not to expect presents but you could also say don’t go to a party without at least a token gift at the least. People have been taking a gift to parties for decades , maybe longer, but certainly in virtually every MN ears life time so it’s hardly a new fangled trend that people aren’t aware of.

I find this think stressfull too. I'm probably on the spectrum, just never been tested.

However I have developed coping strategies.

1. I would ask, usually birthday invites are RSVP by phone number. I usually text a yes we'd love to come or a sorry we're busy/away (usually a polite excuse). If accepting an invite I usually ask "my child would love to buy birthday child a gift" what birthday child is interested in or would like. I then usually buy a book or gift or something based around the interest. Usually that parent says something vague like "birthday child is interested in Dinosaurs or Trains" and gives you latitude. Some crazy organised types have Amazon wishlist they will share. failing that I usually get them an Amazon or Waterstones voucher.

At party etiquette, it's rarely such a problem. My lad has been to several, some the parents hang around like a bad smell, he went to an outside adventure party a few weeks ago and parents were encouraged to leave, but we're permitted to stay. I took the baby to the nearby cafe. I have no desire to chit chat or get involved in school playground chatter or the type of one upmanship competitive parenting, car owning, mortgage buying or clothing wearing. It's an anathema to me. If I stay I just sit in a corner with a brew and my best go-away face.

If we don't get invited next year... Oh well.

It's not an excuse for your behaviour ots the reason for it. You can not help having autism and why the hell should you have to go out yer way for others? Be who you are and decent parents will stand by you.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful person and a devoted mum. How horrible of those other parents to pick fault with you.

Birthday parties at that age, when parents have to stay, are a living hell. And the pressure for presents is awful. But like the others on here, that's the only thing that would mark you out. It's almost like a fee for the party at that age when kids are invited indiscriminately. Something small is fine. Like you say it ends up being thrown away. It's just one of those things.

Onwards -- you are doing great. X

All this here is spot on!

Please don’t take any of what this person said to you about the party seriously. He/she sounds like a judgy arsehole. You will find your way soon enough and hopefully make some parent friends who will support you in these situations going forward. You were doing the best for your child, like Earl here says, fuck them (and the horse they rode in on) 🤬

Just a thought if in future you’re not sure about social norms in different situations why not Google the situation to find out before the event? If your DH is neuro typical why not ask him. Could Google the term social stories. These are used with young people who are neuro divergent to explain to them what to expect and do from everything from going to get an X-ray to getting your hair cut. Might be useful for your daughter too. Some online are produced using photos and symbol communication depending on the communication style/need of the individual. I’ve used these to support my young neuro typical child with doctors and hospital appointments etc and it’s been brilliant for them.

For all birthdays I’d say get a present/book token/money in a card. It’s considered rude not to especially if the host has spent money in the way of food/decorations/party bags etc.

Generally if you don’t say anything to other parents, they’ll think you’re being rude. So I’d just ask them “How are you?” and let them do the talking. If they ask you how you are, just say “I’m well thanks, what about you? what have you been up to?” From my experience they’ll then carry on talking so you don’t actually have to hold the conversation.

I’d say if your child is 6yrs+ people won’t understand why you are standing near her and will think it’s helicopter parenting or a bit weird so I would tell them she’s autistic. If she’s younger than 6 I’d say just ignore it.

For going out, i guess it depends on where you went. IF you went and stood in the street people might think it’s a bit odd but sitting in another room or in the bathroom totally fine

There’s no dress code to a children’s party and it’s a horrible thing for her to give you this list - I think this mum’s just being bitchy

Wow I was thinking maybe she was trying to be nice although failing but she was just horrible. ‘Oh you don’t seem the type’ how bitchy is that?!! Get a present, give it to the mum and apologise, say you are a bit socially anxious but are so glad you went and dd loved it. And hope she’s not friends with nasty bullying mum or if she is, that it’s because she doesn’t realise other mum is a total bitch. Ignore the other mum beyond a brief cool hello where appropriate.

Attending large Birthday parties for children are hard work, this person talking to you like this is totally unacceptable. Go to parties of the children your dd likes and avoid the rest ❤️

I seriously cannot imagine someone saying all that stuff in the playground. Do people really do this!?

@Bananabr3ad that woman sounds horrible, who is she to give you so much criticism?

Like other pp I don’t buy gifts as when we’ve had parties our kids end up with so much tat so we put money in a card.

Think your Dh is spot on , yeah a gift would be nice but not compulsry , the rest of that mams list stuff it i live in jeans and tshirt and always attened parties in them when my 2 boys were at school so don't change who you are rest what was said you were being a good parent and for not socialising they sound clicky if i'd been there i would of spoke to you even if it was a hello and seen where it went so thats means there not social

The parent who spoke to you sounds like a terrible human being and I think her rude behavior is in question rather than yours. I think if you do as you said and take a gift to school to give to the mother of the child that will be perfect. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your daughter, and any diagnosis is no-ones business, but you could explain that you are shy and find social situations difficult as that may encourage the parent to be more considerate and understanding moving forwards. People sometimes misunderstand shyness or social awkwardness and take it personally themselves as we are all socially insecure in some instances. She may just have felt that you didn't want to interact and wondered why.
The person who gave you a list of your faults needs no explanation whatsoever but the lady who invited you might feel relieved that it wasn't anything her or her daughter did wrong and it wasn't that you didn't want to be at the house.

I’m sorry you experienced this @Bananabr3ad The ‘feedback’ you received from the other mother sounds like she was enjoying bullying you. Always take a small gift to a party. As others have said, £5 in a card would be fine. As for her other points, I doubt other people there would have any issues with those. The feedback woman was just being a bitch.

Oh gosh... Well they sound delightful to have to make these comments to you.

I can't see any problem with the list you posted.
I have been to kids parties for 10 years and counting and tend to just buy something for £5 like something to make or useful (not that will be thrown) or put that money in a cheap card from Home bargains etc.

There was no need for anyone to say about this to you though. Times are hard!

Hopefully this won't have put you off attending future parties x

Oh yes. My ex-wife was one such who would and did. No small part in why we divorced.