Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

The update, about how this extremely rude individual came up to you and started by saying 'that she didn't expect to see me and DD at the party as we didn't seem the type' makes me think that she was trying from the beginning to find fault with you, and that the specific actions that she mentioned are mainly excuses that she found for doing so, rather than the main source of the problem. It may stem from your being the two parents with children at the same nursery: either she has some imagined grievance against you and/or your dd from that time, or more likely she marked you as a possible target for bullying: as someone who might react to her 'feedback' by blaming yourself rather than by putting her in her place. In any case, she's a person to avoid!

I think you sound lovely, @Bananabr3ad . The woman who said those things to you was being a bitch and she knew it. Her comments especially about your dress tell me that she has a personal problem with you,but it isn't about you - its about her. Somehow, by not doing or behaving as she would want you to, she feels threatened.

I really hope it hasn't got to you too much. It isn't worth trying to understand such people, just let then carry on in their narrow, self centred little worlds. Some people mistake reticence for aloofness and her behaviour is classic of someone wanting to reduce another person.

You're right about gift giving and not wanting to waste money, giving gifts to show how much someone means to you. You're not the only parent to feel that way about presents at children's party (neurodivergent or not) but I suppose the way to think about it is that by doing so, when parties are important to children, we are teaching our children how gift giving plays a role in relationships.

The idea that this woman came up to you in the playground and gave you this thorough list of transgressions is almost unbelievable, but I'll go with it and say: whatever you did the way she's acting is far worse.

This.

Reading your post and some of the replies was so triggering for me. The parents on here saying YABU for not bringing a gift should be ashamed of themselves. Is that what we are teaching our kids - we know your reasons for not bringing one but it is absolutely not party etiquette to expect a gift. We throw parties for our kids so they can celebrate their birthdays with their friends and family not so they can be showered with stuff. No-one knows another's financial situation that week, that day so who cares if you brought a gift and worse still is the parent of the birthday child who told the other parent... how would she have known the card didn't have something in it.

I wish I could join you at the school gates and call out both those parents for their bullying shameful behaviour - if you're feeling brave enough I'd ask the birthday parent why she thought it was okay and not unkind to discuss any of this with another parent and the other why she thought it was okay to say any of that to you.

Like a few of the posters have sensibly already said... f*ck them

It generally IS social practise to take a small gift, so if you’re not sure, I suggest you always take one, OP. Not a criticism, just a piece of advice.

I'm honestly very sorry you experienced that, op. That woman sounds like a nasty bully and it was completely out of order of her to speak to you like that. Her last comment just proves she's a sad, pathetic individual. Don't allow her to make you feel awful. You're going to rectify the gift thing which I think is a lovely gesture and you did nothing else wrong. So don't let her get in your head.

You should have bought a present. Absolutely.

Everything else isn't an issue. And if a mum took you to one side and told you all that, SHE'S the one who is behaving oddly!

Don't let her upset you OP, this woman sounds awful, and proof that she was bullying you deliberately was her doing a runner when she realised your husband had overheard some of her bitchy and unsolicited 'advice'.

Please avoid her in future, she was just having a go at you, and don't worry too much about most of what she said to criticise you. The exception being to know to take a wee pressie to a party next time, and your idea of taking something to the birthday child soon sounds perfect.

I'd tell them about your autism if I were you, they need to be educated. You sound so lovely I don't think anyone who is actually worth your friendship would consider that you did anything wrong at the party or doubt that you have everyone's best interests at heart. My kids would have loved a friend who gave them a flag of Bhutan or a Stop sign as a present!

I would also avoid the mum of the birthday girl in future OP. She has clearly been talking about you and DD. There is no way the other woman could know your DD hadn't brought a gift. As others have pointed out it could easily have been a gift card, which is quite a common birthday present.

we know your reasons for not bringing one but it is absolutely not party etiquette to expect a gift. We throw parties for our kids so they can celebrate their birthdays with their friends and family not so they can be showered with stuff. No-one knows another's financial situation that week, that day so who cares if you brought a gift

Well said @BigPants2022

I do think this obsession with "you must bring a gift" belongs to Mumsnet.
I'm pretty sure nobody in my circle of friends is that bothered (many specifically say please don't) and honestly, after the whole class parties that my ds had, I wouldn't have had a clue which people didn't bring gifts, I just didn't keep tabs on that.

I really feel for you. I think it's your 'friend' who should reassess her empathy issues. I'm sure you did your best in a stressful situation. You could always have a friendly chat with the mother of the child whose party it was - but only if you feel it necessary and that you'll feel better for it. I've no doubt these events will become more comfortable as you get to know people better.

Only thing wrong was not buying a present or giving £5 in a card , other than that there's nothing wrong at all !, I don't even hang around for parties if I can leave I will do ! , parties are a nightmare !

Wow, how to make OP feel even worse! I think a present next time and maybe confide in a couple of nice mums that you’re autistic and perhaps they could help you out in social situations and at the next party. You could always send a gift in to school with your child and a text to the parent to say ‘so sorry we forgot to bring this along’ if it makes you feel better though a card should be fine in any case.

YANBU but the person who said you were was! How rude of them!

I would have brought a gift though, however small, but other than that you did nothing wrong.

I'd say the only person who has done anything inappropriate here is the mother who gave you chapter and verse on what you should do. What the heck?

Same as most people, I'd say a small gift is expected and the rest of it was downright rude for anyone to bring up. Sounds like you managed really well in a challenging situation. Are you comfortable disclosing yours and your daughter's autism diagnosis? It's not something I think you ought to do but if you can it helps to to educate people.

You did great OP. I would always give a present but I would never be offended if a child turned up empty handed.

I agree! I think perhaps the gift, maybe a toy voucher if you don’t know the child? However I think it’s v rude to pull you up in this. Try not to let it knock your confidence, it says more about the other mother than you!

Honestly...some people just don't understand that we are all different. So you didnt bring a present...meh....child probably got heaps of gifts. When its my daughters birthday and we have a party I feel like saying...don t bring presents but she would be disappointed if she got none....
I do however say...she would love a couple of pounds to put towards something.......and please no more than a fiver.
How very rude of the person who said all this without proper knowledge of your situation. Hope it hasnt put you off taking your daughter to another party in future.

Sounds like you and your DD handled the situation really well. Credit where it’s due.

Unfortunately, bringing a gift/present is a done thing. Perhaps £5 inside the birthday card if DD didn’t know the birthday child very well 💪🏻

This thread has affected me quite unexpectedly. Quite disheartening how mean some people feel they need to behave. All I really have is... hang in there OP. You seem to have far more social grace than the other people.

As far as the gift goes, yeah it is convention, but that said...So what? It would never even cross my mind to even give it a second thought if a child turned up at one of my kids' parties without a gift. Much less say anything about it.

It’s very odd to bring this up. I think it’s the norm to take a gift but I would never ever have expectations of anyone bringing one. I invite kids to my child’s birthday because they are in class together/friends, not because I want her to get a gift. I would never in a million years say anything to anyone who didn’t bring one (especially in the current economic climate). Please don’t worry yourself over this one incident.

I’m sorry this person was so rude. I agree with everyone else just take a birthday present next time, however it is still extremely rude to speak to you about this in this way xx

The woman telling you what you "did wrong" clearly missed the etiquette lesson about keeping her nose out of others' business. Nothing you did was in any way bad manners; not so her judgy, unsolicited criticism. Ignore her. Sounds like she's constantly scrambling for the next rung on the social ladder, exhibiting poor taste all the while.