Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

The parent that told you this list sounds awful. You sound like you were great - doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Not bringing a present is no big deal in my opinion, but I guess this thread gives you the social convention on this issue. It's a funny old world.

YANBU

I am a NT mother of an autistic child and everything you described is something that could have easily been said to me. I took my son to a birthday party around the same age and not being from the UK and only going to my niece and nephews birthday parties, I didn’t know what to expect so I went off of what I did with family and what I grew up with. I brought a gift and handed it to the host and thank her for inviting us. Son didn’t want to leave me since it was too loud for him with children running around screaming while most of the parents stood back and watched. Only a few engaged with each other while the rest watched their children run around. There was an entertainer and I felt bad for the guy since he had to stop several times and ask kids to please sit down while the parents didn’t say anything to their children and allowed them to continue the behaviour. The only thing my son did was sit in my lap, danced with me to Baby Shark which made him smile, and have a few party snacks. I helped the host tidy up, thanked her for having us and left.

To be honest, I have not taken him to another birthday party since because of that experience and instead have declined and sent a gift instead or a card with money anytime he has been invited to a party.

He’s only now started wearing ear defenders this year on a regular basis and has shown he is able to go to soft plays and parks with little issue as long as he has them on. He’s in a specialist school so if he is invited we will likely attend.

I doubt any of the other parents agree with this woman nor noticed because the majority are usually focused on their own children and the people they know so I would take what she said with a grain of salt.

It sounds like a very trying day for you both. Well done for going through with it.
The only sociol norm is to take a gift/present/money in a card/voucher etc.

Apart from that, I don't think you did anything wrong.

I think the mother volunteering all your shortcomings is really unpleasant and I would be very weary of her.

Who even says that?

I think some people get satisfaction from putting other people down. She sounds like one of them.

You might find it useful to follow Joanna Grace on Facebook and pm her (she’s also on Twitter and so on) she usually posts about children with severe learning difficulties and sensory issues (she’s well known as a tutor and author in her field)
She is autistic herself and is very open about it. She has two young children and has been learning to navigate social situations like you are. She shared recently that she practices stock friendly phrases to use in social situations. She doesn’t understand small talk, but realised she needed something to help navigate situations for her child’s sake and when running training days. I think she would be willing and able to help you a lot with this. She’s worked out things that help her avoid meltdowns and can explain things in a way that a neurotypical person can understand too.

@Downdaysoon I presume you quoted my post by accident as your comment makes no sense in relation to my post

I know but its ordinarily the case.

Yes but surely they have attended some sort of party at some point during their lifetime? Either as a child themselves, family, their own wedding etc..? You would have to live in a cave with no access to any media to not understand you take some sort of a gift to a party.

Having read all your posts it seems that a lot of people have been unbelievingly rude and ignorant towards you.

I just wanted to say that the parent who spoke to you was so incredibly unreasonable and rude. It is not her place to just decide to lecture you and it doesn't even sound like you did anything wrong.

Yes, it is a norm to give a present but I wouldn't think anything less of anyone who didn't. Maybe for the future you could give money if you're unsure, or some sweets or something your daughter made, if money is tight. Although it sounds like you have a real gift for making gifts personal so, as your daughter gets to know her friends better, it could be a real chance to share that with her and help her think about other children's interests.

Try to shake off what she's said because I really wouldn't give anything she said any weight.

You seem to be analysing it with your way of thinking when actually OP could interpret/analyse things in a completely different way.

You're saying that because she'll have been to parties, she should know. However OP has already said how important it is to her to give gifts that matter and are important so, without putting words in her mouth, she may think that is what is important over the actual act of giving a gift.

Autism gives an entirely different lens in which life and social norms are viewed through so what might be obvious to many, might be completely obscure to others.

Sorry, I don't want to come across as being critical but just wanted to explain why it's possible to get this stage of life and not realise it's etiquette.

The gift has been covered - yes it is normal to bring a small token gift but a) we got quite a few Argos vouchers and DS was very happy with those too, and b) honestly kids parties are stressful enough that I definitely wasn’t keeping track of exactly who brought what.

On the same point, if you are invited round for dinner or to an adult party I would take flowers, a bottle of wine, chocolates or some other token gift too.

If other people were trying to talk to you and you blanked them that is a bit rude, if you were just a bit shy and standing off to one side it was ruder of them not to try to include you than it was for you to not join in.

The rest is batshit honestly. Who cares what you were wearing or how closely you supervised your child? And how rude would somebody have to be to March up to you in the playground a few days later to “confront you”? That mum sounds like she has her own issues.

I'm really saddened to see that so many people are saying that it's rude not to take a gift. It is the social norm to take a gift and fortunately I've never been in a situation where finance has prevented me from doing so. That said, I was also brought up not to expect gifts. To receive gifts graciously but not to think of anyone not giving a gift any differently from those who did. And as a parent I would feel I had failed in my role if my child thought of those that didn't give a gift as being rude to them, because those that are rude are often disliked.

You don't go a day at the moment without hearing heartbreaking stories of people starving themselves in order to feed their children, or people sitting in their homes shivering as they can't afford to put the heating on. Anyone in that situation, reading this thread may as a result prevent their child from attending a birthday party, for fear of being perceived rude for not taking a gift. That is truly awful. That family probably need the light relief of a few hours out of the house more than anyone. if you are reading this thread thinking that, please know that not everyone is that judgemental. You would be welcomed into any party hosted by me and many many of my friends and family.

Of course if the OP can afford a gift, she now knows the norm is to take one in future. If cost is an issue, a home made card or small gift is also perfectly acceptable.

The real issue of this situation is the fact that someone thought it was ok to point out what they perceived to be the op's faults. I just can't imagine a situation where anyone would have the audacity. I think the only person who could get away with anything even remotely similar with me would be my twin sister and that is because we literally have no filter with each other and say exactly what we think, in the knowledge that it would only be said if the other believed that by pointing out these things the other would be more comfortable in similar situations in future.

The gift giving is irrelevant at this point in the thread, surely the bigger issue is the fact that the host must have told the person who had a go at the OP.

She is the bigger arsehole.

I can't understand why more PP's are not bothered by that than the gift.

It sounds like the party went absolutely fine. Well done to both of you for embracing the challenge. The woman who criticised you was extremely rude.

However, it is usual to bring a present to a children's birthday party, even if you don't know the child very well. When you accept the invitation, you could ask the child's parent for suggestions of what the child might like. Alternatively, you can give a book token, which is suitable for any child regardless of age/gender/interests.

If money is tight, a good option is to give some chocolate such as a chocolate orange or a box of Maltesers. This only costs about £1/£1.50, but will be much appreciated by most children. Children don't notice what things cost, but they may well notice if someone doesn't bring anything at all. Also, when your DD is older, she might feel embarrassed if she is the only one who doesn't bring a present.

I couldn't give a shit if someone didn't bring a gift for my child's birthday party. Kids get so much plastic rubbish that most of the time doesn't get touched and then goes to landfill that one less gift is actually a blessing. I'd much rather their friends showed up and had fun without bringing anything at all, than bring something meaningless that gets thrown out. I'm actually quite surprised considering all the economic and environmental problems at the moment that you not bringing a gift has been picked up on pretty consistently as a faux pas by other posters.

The rest is a total non issue.

Agree with PPs that you should should let people know you're autistic, if you feel able to. And certainly share that your DD is - you will get so much more support and understanding (even though you should get that anyway, but that's life....).

DS(14) is autistic and he and I have always told anyone and everyone - it really can help. But in terms of your party - yes it's normal to take a gift but how weird of anyone to tell you off for not doing so, or even to notice! Everything else sounds totally normal, that Mum who told you these things sounds like the one with a problem.

When DS was young I used to stay at parties, even when they got older and people started leaving their children and picking up later. As you say, kids on the spectrum need a little more supervision and you want to be sure that they aren't going to get upset, and aren't going to behave inappropriately. So you will be the only Mum there at many parties going forwards, when the other parents drop and run. If you're uncomfortable then I suggest take a laptop and sit in the corner so you can 'work'. But I always found the other parents and hosts to be very supportive and understanding, even when DS was occasionally out of order, You just need to be there to intervene. Good luck for the future,

But for this one - that mum sounds a nasty interfering piece of work. Your clothes are none of her business, but sound fine. What normal person would ever notice, let alone comment aloud on something like that! Be proud that you have a lovely DD and are stepping outside your comfort zone to help her have a social life. You're a great mum!

Also, one year we said please no presents but bring a pound coin to put in the eye of an alien (it was an alien themed party) and made some cardboard monsters with holes for the eyes. We had twins, and used to get so many lovely presents but really they didn't need multiple craft sets and jigsaws etc so it seemed a good way to a) keep costs down for people and b) avoid duplicate gifts. I do think these things can get a bit OTT at primary school otherwise.....

The lack of gift is the only issue. Put £5 or £10 in the card if unsure.

I just wanted to say you sound like such a great mum doing all you can to support your daughter. Particularly when the whole situation is so out of your comfort zone. 💐

We had two parties (for 3 year old children) where invitations said "no presents".
I took a present for the first party and noticed that there were many bags/boxes with gifts.
The 2nd party was yesterday. The invitation said "strictly no gift" and "a gift of a card or handwritten picture would be treasured".
We (parents) do not have autism, nor our DS, but I was not sure what to do.
We took a card and DS added some stickers to it. I noticed there were 5-6 bags with gifts. I could have taken a gift if I knew that it would be accepted. Since the government allowed children to party I always keep couple spare gifts (puzzles, etc.) in case of short notice.
Re. hoovering, my DS is 3 years and 4 months old but he requires myself or his dad to stay next to him at many parties. DS does not have any diagnosis. I cannot wait him to get to the stage when he will not need me at parties.

I thought that too

Does this person know that both you and your DD are both autistic?
Yes it is standard practice to take a card and gift at birthday parties but to give you a whole list of faults is bloody rude and tbh bullying unless she's a close friend and is trying to be helpful.
Maybe try and hold back a bit with your daughter and arrange for her to come to you and you stay in sight for her to feel comfortable.

What do you think the motives are of the person who told you about your 'mistakes'? Because I think they were being mean. None of those examples are mistakes, other than not taking a present (although for what it's worth, I agree with you that it's a total waste if you have no idea what they like, but social convention dictates gifts in this situation). Why was this other person paying so much attention to what you were up to?! That seems like a more serious social mistake!

The other parents have highlighted whist they see as being issues, which helps.

1 Definitely bring a present — whether it’s a token, a book, a jigsaw; it’s expected.

2 Have a list of topics just to break the ice “have you come far?”, something about the weather, “how long have you lived in the area?”, ask which shops they recommend (for bread, shoes, whatever), offer a compliment (e.g. hairstyle, clothes), ask where they’ve been on holiday.

3 & 4 difficult to get the balance right between being there and popping out! Perhaps just say you need “a breath of fresh air” if you need to pop out (or say you’re popping to the loo) in case something happens and DD wonders where you are and gets worried.

Clothes? Unless they were revealing, sparkly or had slogans, I don’t see the problem.

Sounds like you did well, so take the comments on board and look forward to the next time.

It’s probably not too late to drop a present in. (Doesn’t have to be showy or expensive.) Just say that you had forgotten to bring it. I think that the person who told you what went wrong was actually very hostile and should be avoided.

The other parent sounds like a cow.

But I think it’s better to let people know you are autistic to avoid being thought of as rude.

Get a book token from the local bookshop as a present if you don’t know the child.