Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Didn't take DS to many whole class parties, as he generally didn't want to go because of the noise, but those we did go to, we didn't take a present and as far as I could tell, most people didn't. I also had to keep an eye on DS to make sure he wasn't getting overwhelmed and didn't chat with anyone because I'm just crap at that and generally find being with lots of people I don't know exhausting. A chance to step out away from everyone would have been taken as well.

Tbh I think the person who gave you the list was being incredibly rude.

YANBU
I wouldn't care if someone didn't bring a gift, It is totally not necessary! Wonderful if you can afford it but being there is the most important thing. I agree that kids have too much stuff anyway.

You sound like you did really well. You don't have to talk to people either..

I'm surprised at peoples responses.

Agree - the only thing you did wrong was not buying a present which was quite rude.

I’m actually really shocked to see that people would attend a child’s party without bringing a present for the child. IMO that’s really not okay?

Someone took you aside and listed all the things you did wrong. That’s horrible! Nothing outlandish there, except the not bringing a present.

Why is it not ok?

Her autistic child might also have needed some quiet time. My autistic son and daughter would cope perfectly fine at parties until there was a load of screaming kids.

She approached at the playground, started by saying that she didn't expect to see me and DD at the party as we didn't seem the type. That it was sweet that we came but that I should make sure to put some effort in next time. Made the comment about the present and it being inappropriate not to bring a gift. I apologised and said I didn't mean to be rude. This apparently wasnt the right answer because she then continued telling me how it was rude and uncomfortable not to socialise, that I shouldn't have came if I was going to just keep going in and out and that DD didn't need me hovering over her the entire time. I kept apologising because I really didn't know what to say. Then she scoffed and said I didn't even know how to dress appropriately.

DH had been helping DD on the zipline and I don't think the other mum realised that he overheard part of it until he started walking over. Then she left pretty quickly. He wanted to say something but I told him to leave it because we were in a playground. I got pretty overwhelmed by all of this so we went home. We spoke about it a bit and he didn't really see the issue with not taking a gift. He didn't even think DD should go as she didn't really know the child but she was really excited and I didn't want to get in the way of her having these normal childhood experiences. He also said that he's sure that DD hitting other children or me bursting into tears due to sensory overload would have been a lot more disruptive and inappropriate to them so I was doing them a favour.

I'm going to get the child a gift and bring it tomorrow at pick up. I hope that this isn't going to be the start of schoolgate bullying and we can just put it all behind us.

That a very comprehensive list of your inappropriate behaviour. How did anyone have the nerve to tell you that because it’s pretty destroying. Virtually everything you did apparently was inappropriate. Do any of the other parents know you’re ND & DC is autistic? Your parenting (ie their perception of hovering) is being criticised here too, Ruthless.
Unless you asked for feedback?? 💐

I’m with you on the cheap gift. I never had parties for the gifts though the thought of a load of Poundland toys just no. I used to go with some money in a card or a gift card. Then the child can club they’re money together and buy something they really want or bank it so if they do want or need anything the money is there. The most appreciated gift my son got once was a monster’s inc top. He loved that top. I would rather they just came and enjoy themselves. Most don’t open presents at the party anyway to avoid any embarrassing reactions. A lot of people are struggling to get by atm.

I do wish that posters would stop giving you tips on how to behave the next time. You already know you need to bring a card and a small gift the next time.

The woman who gave you all this criticism sounds completely unhinged to be perfectly honest.

This is very inappropriate behaviour from one adult to another. It is far beyond rude, it is absolutely appalling.

The next time this woman comes anywhere near you, cut her off mid sentence and walk away from her.

She approached at the playground, started by saying that she didn't expect to see me and DD at the party as we didn't seem the type. That it was sweet that we came but that I should make sure to put some effort in next time
She's utterly fucking foul and not worth another second of head space
Who does she think she is?!
Ignore her, there's only one person being inappropriate and rude and it isn't you!

She sounds like a right cow, it wouldn’t hurt to let the other parents aware of your DDs needs she sounds like a playground bully,
Dont let it affect how you parent just go about your business

Sorry just read your update.

Bloody hell criticising your clothing?? Avoid this woman in future she’s horrible. I would contact the mum who’s party it was - get a gift (don’t obsess over one just a basic present) & apologise.

I’d explain everything you’ve said on here about wanting your DC to have social experiences etc & reasoning behind your “hovering” etc.

I’d also say why you don’t like sharing your own diagnosis (bcos of the usual stigma, gaslighting etc that tends to follow (darned if you do darned if you don’t) & that’s why it can maybe come across as different to what is expected.

But then obviously share it (your diagnosis). Take your DH as these meetings /discussions don’t go to script & he can step in when needed plus ensure there are more of you in numbers to stand up to any potential power play, games, nastiness.

Be your lovely self - & hopefully these actions will shame the mother into clearly having gossiped about you & slagged you off with the other mums.

Don’t try to get their approval or them to like you. Just do what you need to do for your DC & try to rise above it.

Hopefully this will make the messenger who told you all of this think again….but I doubt it.

They sound horrific. If given the chance they show any change - any inclusivity, adaptation to your DC’s circumstances etc & any tolerance towards both of you - then attend more parties but only if they show the capability to be tolerant & inclusive.

Good luck 🍀

The only bad behaviour here is from the mum with the 'advice'. You have behaved completely appropriately in my book. A gift is NOT essential when attending a children's party. She's a nasty piece of work and you need to avoid her in future, that's the only advice you need. Keep on being yourself and doing your best and fuck her and her 'advice'.

She shouldn't have to justify herself though, why should she have to explain "hovering?"
The party mum probably didn't even notice or care as was too busy hosting and trying to give her child a great party, it's just playground mum being a nasty piece of work and taking it upon herself to chip in!

Absolutely this

I detest the expected small talk at parties, I'm NT but fairly introverted.
One strategy I use is to take my iPad and do some work, seems to be an acceptable way to cop out of the socializing. It's entirely possible I get slagged off for it but I haven't had any negative vibes so far

The other parent actually sounds like a bully.

Apart from the lack of gift you did nothing wrong.

I don’t think OP should or has to explain “hovering” but I think it’s sometimes helpful to dispel myths, gossip & bitchiness with the blunt realities sometimes ie my DC has toileting issues hence why I do x.
I’m suggesting she do it to slightly shame them as well & make them think how judgemental & narrow minded they’ve been. She does t have to buy a gift really either - but it’s a good way in to be able basically to get the above over to the mum & pave the way for future dealings. IMO.

You and your daughter have both been really brave and you did all this to make sure she could join in. Well done. Most people would bring a gift and it doesn't have to be perfect. I would just buy gifts I saw in the sale and keep them for parties, for example a jenga set and a box of maltesers. However, when I had birthday parties for my children a card would be really appreciated. A gift is nice but not necessary, it can be expensive and not in everyone's budget. The lady at school is rude and unkind.

Wow!

That other parent was EXTREMELY rude and hypocritical to tell you that you were impolite when in fact she was being very very rude by saying these things to you.

Yes, it would have been better had you brought a gift but I'm assuming this woman doesn't know your financial situation. If it were my child's party it would be nice to get a gift but it would never be expected and I wouldn't think bad on someone who hadn't brought one, especially if they'd brought a card. Not everyone can afford gifts.

I'd give this woman a wide berth in future, she sounds nasty and you sound like a kind and caring person.

Oh no!!

What a foul piece of garbage the other woman is.

What she did was cruel.

Your update makes the playground woman sound utterly unhinged. Do not, I repeat do not take any of what she said on board.

You genuinely sound lovely and sound like you are doing a really good job with your child. Any of the mum's would be lucky to befriend you 💄

I don't know where the lipstick came from 🤣🤣🤣