Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Did the cheeky bint actually come up to you in the park and start lusting all the things you did that were “rude” at the party? If so, she is majorly, MAJORLY out of order and SHE is the extremely rude one here.

Noy taking a small present is a bit of faux pas but I’ve had it happen once or twice at my dcs parties and it really doesn’t bother me at all - I would assume they either forgot or are short of money - and I would much rather all the kids invited came to the party, present or no present. As you say most of it is unwanted plastic crap anyway.

If I were you the only thing that I would take from this is to stay far away from the hypocritical and nasty cow who thinks she has the god-given right to pull you up on your supposedly bad behaviour whilst you’re out having a nice time in the park with your kid!

Omigawd I think those women are the ones who need to be taught birthday etiquette. The gift thing honestly wish mine wouldn't get so much tat. We've had class birthday parties & never tally up who gave what. And the rest - so feckin rude & bizzare of them to approach you with this shitty list.

My DD is the same age, she was invited to a party in the Summer by parents who had up to that point ignored me saying good morning on the way into nursery, when we got to the party they ignored us there too!
the Mum that told you all that is just a bitch if you ask me.

What did the mum actually say about what you were wearing?

Can you expand in how the conversation with the other mum actually happened, op? It just sounds so odd that this woman would give you a checklist of your supposed wrong doings completely unsolicited.
Especially in front of your dh. How did he react?

Sounds fine to me apart from not getting a gift.

I love everything about this post.

OP, as a non- neurotypical person I always appreciate when someone takes the time to explain these often unfathomable social and cultural queues.

Imagine going to a foreign country not knowing you had to wear a head covering…and that not doing so, would be really insulting to everyone.

To an ASD person, the giving of a gift (that is merely a gesture, rather than an acknowledgment of knowing and caring about that person) can seem like a strange and meaningless thing to do.

Your being there was enough to ensure that you and your child acknowledged the importance of this birthday milestone. Nothing else matters. For some people on the spectrum, they wouldn’t even attempt to attend a sensory-overload-orgy such as a child’s birthday party.

I’m presuming that your post here is because you know someone at the party who is open to discussion and perhaps understanding of your challenges? I do hope so. The only way we can learn to love and understand each other is through open and honest dialogue. You keep being you!

May I suggest sending a card from you to the mum of the birthday child saying. Thank you for inviting us to the party, I wasn’t sure what to get as a birthday gift. I’m enclosing a book token for your child to choose for herself, I hope that is ok. Love Banana

Just to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you.....
Please don't let this put you off taking your DD to any future parties... My oldest DD is nearly 16 now so I've been to a few. Some have been a lovely opportunity to meet & chat to other mum's and some I've been completely ignored/excluded by the other mum's!
Also don't worry too much about other parents😉 opinions of your child. Over the years, you'll form plenty of your own opinions on the other children!

Ref: The present ~ you are quite correct that lots of gifts are a waste of money (another piece of plastic tat? 🙄). Maybe when you accept the invitation, ask if there is something their child (or they) would like? Most children have an area of interest even at 4/5 so you could get something in that theme? But most parents are just happy their DC has people coming to their party.
Post again if you have another party coming up xx we can always offer our support if you are anxious.

Absolutely nothing stated in the op was wrong. Especially not bringing a present and I'm disgusted at all the posters saying otherwise! My child invites others to their party because they want them there, not to get loads of gifts/crap/sweets/money

Wisdom!

Not giving a gift may be a slight faux paus as many people have mentioned but I’ve had people not bring gifts to parties, most have forgotten, not had time or could be short on cash. I would always rather have the invited child there than be concerned about a gift. It’s incredibly rude for this mum to list things she thought you did wrong. I wouldn’t worry about it, you should wear what you like as long as it’s an outfit to not cause offence and keeping a close eye on your own child, if you know they will struggle would be appreciated by most parents. Sometimes if you’re not sure what to say to others just smile and say hi and be seen to listen politely and let the rest of the group chat, you don’t have to lead conversations. They don’t sound a very supportive bunch. I hope you and your child enjoy the next party more!

Not bringing a gift shouldn't be an issue dd had friends show up empty handed no-one cared one child because her parents were a bit lax and forgetful it was a 50/50 chance she would show up another was because her mum really couldn't afford it she said I will bring a gift next week it never materialised and we didn't care the goal of a child's party is fun and games with no bloodshed or tears

Absolutely this, well said

Plus I've shown upto places in the ultimate faux pas tshirt it says sorry I'm late I didn't want to come

Also I would never ever ever comment to another parent about if another parent bought a present so that’s incredibly rude by the host parent! I would never discuss gifts full stop it’s quite rude!

If you wore that to another kid's party it's just fucking rude.

The other mum who told you all this was very rude! I am going to disagree with others about the present. You took a card and that is fine. Yes it is normal to take a present but it isn’t essential and if I had been the host I would assume you had a reason for not bringing one and be glad you turned up. I certainly wouldn’t mention in to the other mums or expect them to talk to you about it after the party.

Your other behaviour does not seem unusual - or your clothing? It is very odd that this other mother spoke to you about it.

No wonder ASD/non-neurotypical people resist these kinds of social interactions . I think the OP went above and beyond by even attending. Ask any reasonable non-NT adult if they wanted to be there? - if they were honest, they’d tell you it was their idea of hell!

You did nothing wrong. Yea you could argue you should of bought a gift. But you don't give to receive and people should respect that some people can't afford it. You didn't ask to be invited.
The person that told you you were in the wrong should stfu and mind their own business/children. The world is so judgey and bitching parents don't help other parents that might lack confidence or have mental health problems. If you were at my kids party I would of appreciated the card and the fact you came. I chose to have a party for my child and didn't do it for a fashion parade , chit chat session, present bulk out or any other kind of kudos, other than wanting my child to have a good day with their friends.
You shouldn't be coming home from a party and worrying about crap like this, we've all got more important stuff to worry about

All the best op, social networking is a pickle at times.

I’m getting frustrated at seeing ASD increasingly being used by seemingly functional adults as an excuse when they—with full awareness—act self-centered and ignore the want/needs of anyone other than themselves and then get called out on it.

Ignoring the truly baffling behavior of the other mum in comments 2 onwards (if this is real…), OP acknowledges she knew a birthday party was a gift giving occasion, but didn’t give one because she didn’t know the kid well, didn’t want to spend money, and didn’t want to see an unwanted present end up in a landfill.

Those excuses are all about her wants/concerns. There was no consideration of what the birthday child might want, or even if her own child might enjoy the challenge of trying to creatively come up with a cheap gift their new friend might like.

But when the lack of gift was bizarrely criticized by the other mum, the response was packaged as “I have ASD and don’t know any better.” No, those weren’t the reasons, just the excuse.

Does the woman who told you all your 'mistakes' have a diagnosis by any chance? The idea of listing out the errors someone else made is beyond rude. I'd keep your distance from her tbh. Perhaps she lists out everyone's perceived 'mistakes' to them and you will be guilty by association.

Next time bring a small gift.

This. With bells on.

Honestly - I"m appalled someone told you you had to take a present.

Can't be doing with grabby parents. Surely you don't throw a party just to get presents?!

I was going to write a response but @MouseRoar has nailed it.

My partner is autistic. Reading your thread has reminded me /given me an appreciation yet again for how hard seemingly normal everyday things can be for someone neurodivergent (fe the not knowing about gift giving being a social convention, which some on here have expressed disbelief about).
as you yourself said OP, you wouldn’t set out to do something wrong, but you didn’t know the rule.

but also: that woman was very very rude !!! Totally out of order.

Well done on showing up for your daughter and supporting her at her first birthday party. I hope it gets easier for both of you with practice