Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Also this. xx

OP is right to consider landfill. Haven't you heard of Greta Thunberg?

Autistic people can be big overthinkers - and that's actually a strength, not a weakness. She actually THOUGHT so hard about what the right present was, she couldn't think of the right thing. So sensibly, in my opinion, she bought nothing.

OP, I have not bought presents for people in the past and for kids at birthday parties.

Sometimes I've felt it was a waste of money or I was just too busy to find the right thing. Part of my thinking is informed by my opinion that we do live in a very throw away culture. You're right to be worried about landfill.

Why does a kid need yet another £1 set of crappy felt-tips. Who is that helping? Can we not all just put our endless trivial needs to one side and think about the environment for one second. You saw how hot it was this year. Where is the line going to be drawn between endless frivilous crap that makes your child feel special for all of 2 seconds and then ends up in the ground somewhere for thousands of years.

And when I've got a difficult response like you have, I buy a gift and bring it in a couple of days late. Then they have to eat humble pie. I'm not the big bad mean ogre they thought I was.

And overall I'd say you did extremely well. Everything you did was spot on.

Instead of dressing you down this appalling woman made you feel bad. It really is her at fault not you. And if you don't want to share your diagnosis with her, why the hell should you??

She isn't worth your time. Big pat on the back OP from me and 10/10. I wish I'd been there as I would have enjoyed chatting to you. You sound right up my street.

The other parent who said all of this isn't a friend, but her DD is the only other child who went to the same nursery as mine so I recognised her more than the other parents. Me and DH took DD to the playground and she was there and decided to let me know.

I find this behaviour (of the woman who also attended the party, and then gave you an unsolicited list of your supposed misdemeanors at the party) far more anti-social than anything you've listed in your OP.

Is she a bully?

Sounds as though this woman doesn't understand etiquette! It's not appropriate to tell someone that they did 5 things wrong. Who does she think she is?

You probably should have brought a present. However, some parents ask for no presents. The other things she mentioned are not an issue. You don't HAVE to talk to other parents. Some people feel quite overwhelmed or are naturally shy. So what if you were over fussy to your child or leave the room. By the time children are at school, it's not normal to have parents at parties.

I'm not autistic but not always in with the in crowd.
Whoever listed these supposed failings sounds like a nasty bully.
I gravitate to others in the out crowd 😉

Hi op, I'm with the majority on the gift being the unreasonable part. I just wanted to suggest you still buy a gift and give it to the mum/ child at school this week. I'd rather give a gift later and rectify it rather than not.

I just wanted to say how difficult it sounds for you to do these kinds of events and how stressful it must be for you, so respect to you for going. Two points I would like to make:

1. It is usual to bring a present or put money in the card, but I wouldn't think twice about it if my child got a card with no money and no present; it simply wouldn't register with me
2. The person who listed your faults is an utter, utter dick.

I concur with pp you did nothing wrong except not bringing A gift. But no need to dwell on it. Now you know and the child probably has A mountain of gifts. I tend to put money in A card with A small thing to open if I don't know the child.

I do wonder why the person who said this to you felt the need to do so. They sound very judgey.
As for the hovering over DD . This is the one thing as an autistic parent of an autistic child you will never get right in the eyes of NTs. Had your child put A foot wrong or you lost concentration / weren't quick enough to stop her doing something someone would have had words to say so you do what is best for you and or child in that regard. Its not judgey other parents that deal with the fallout

The person who gave you that list is incredibly rude!

With respect to the gift, I will either ask in advance if the child has any particular interests, or just give money in the envelope. Like you I hate to think of it just going to waste.

Everything else - you did nothing wrong. It’s brilliant that you were able to go into what is quite a stressful situation for an autistic adult and support your daughter.

There's more wrong with that other mum who told you "what was wrong with you", than you, OP.
My kids are older now, but we wouldn't have cared about a lack of present from another child at my child's party. You never know what is going on with someone.
As for the not talking/popping in and out, I'd have thought, "I can't suss her out; I'll go up and say hello and see what she is really like."
The woman giving you a list of your "faults" is not your friend.
There is still time to wrap up a box of maltesers//tiddlywinks and let your daughter give them to the birthday child with no explanation needed

I honestly wouldnt notice if someone didnt bring a gift or care but I wouldnt go without one myself even if it was just something random/cheap.

My DS had a birthday recently and got so many gifts they ranged from crazy impressive £25 gifts and big brand name toys down to the more standard £5 in a card or a card and packet of sweets - I was quite suprised at the number of 'toy' gifts this year though.

If money is tight and you dont want to waste £5 on a toy your not sure the kid will like and dont like money in a card then a bag of sweets is pretty traditional, things like a big bag of haribo or a box of malteasers etc... and will see you through without social faux pas if your worried about judgement.

The other stuff is neither here nor there which makes me wonder if you took a harmless comment of over analysed it (common with social anxiety) or if you did something else really out of line that you havent mentioned which would actually warent another mother being like 'WTF you doing' but nothing you listed was anything anyone else would comment on in general.

The only thing you really did wrong was turning up without a gift. If you weren’t sure what to buy it would have been good practice to stick £5 in the card so the child could choose their own gift.

Op your behaviour was fine. My DS had a autistic diagnosis and I got some very odd looks and comments because he wouldn't join in (loud disco noise) and I had to be right there with him at parties when he was younger. One mum was outright mean and snatched an inflatable off him during a game he was actually joining in (because her child was in his team and my son was taking too long to get it between his legs and pass it on!). I was so upset for my son because it was rare he felt confident enough to join in.

People are very not understanding. Even now when a mum found out about my son's diagnosis she said 'oh I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell us'. (Um because it's none of your business!).

Just ignore this woman. I wouldn't care if someone didn't bring a present but it is the norm so just do it next time. Your clothes sounded totally normal too.

Ignore ignore and carry on.

OP if it helps, I found when I first hosted a birthday party lots of parents texted me and asked about my child's interests so they could choose a present. I had no idea people did this and had been guessing for other children, which like you said is risky when you don't know what they like. So now I always text and just say "what sort of things does [child's name] like?"
Then I go somewhere cheap and spend no more than £10 but usually closer to £5. Maybe doing this will help in future?

I didn't want to buy something that they didn't like and would end up thrown away, as money is tight anyway and it's a waste to just end up in landfill. As they aren't close I didn't think it was necessary
But you could turn that on it's head and say "but they aren't close, why should the other child invite my dd to a party?"
Yet they did, and you went.

why has this person taken it upon themselves to give you feedback? How about you return the favour and send a list of things that you find questionable about her. Starting with…

1. giving unwelcome feedback that was not asked for

her issues seem very petty. If she takes kids birthday parties so seriously that she has a code of conduct list, then she really is very sad.

most parents at the ones I went to just stood and waited patiently for it to end. Some socialised some didn’t.

I think if there was one thing it might have been the gift or lack of but really even that is obligatory so don’t worry about it.

People are very not understanding. Even now when a mum found out about my son's diagnosis she said 'oh I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell us'. (Um because it's none of your business!).
To be fair, you can't expect understanding from people who don't know there's any reason why they should be understanding?

The other woman might be a neurodivergent person so shes bluntly or impulsively told you exactly what she thought when really it was best for her keep this info to herself. She might just be a dick (neurodivergent or not).

Social norms are simply that, do you want to be the same as everyone else or do you want to teach your daughter how to be confident and comfortable being who she is.

Was the ‘feedback’ from the other mum entirely unsolicited? Can you remember exactly what was said in this conversation, how it was started? Did she just launch into ‘nice to see you at the party, I thought you did XXX wrong’ - or surely there was some exchange of words before that?

I was surprised too. Unless the OP asked 'how did I and my child do?', it was exceedingly rude to say anything. Had I been there, I'd have assumed, given what was said about how it went, that the OP's child found parties difficult and that the OP was doing her best to keep things on an even keel, ad I'd have been supportive. I'd have seen no reason to comment. And had I been asked to, I'd not have criticised the OP until I had found out first what the circumastances were. It seems to me that no criticism was necessary, anyway. An invite doesn't require a present in my book- it's just an invite. It ought not to be a quid pro quo. I'm not less pleased to see visitors I have asked to visit if they don't turn up with a present- even for a birthday party.

I think if I was hosting a whole class birthday party for 30 screaming kids I wouldn't actually notice any of the things on that list OP. I was usually too busy fussing about food arrangements or cake or making sure everyone was ok. No birthday child needs 30 gifts nor should they expect them especially in the current climate. I really wouldn't worry OP, perhaps take a card with £5 and some sweets for the birthday child on Monday.

What did your DH say to the parent at the park when she told you what she felt you had done wrong? Why didn't your DH tell you a present would be expected at a party?
Nothing that you have mentioned is unusual except the lack of a gift so either the issues the parent saw were different from what you have posted here ie she didn't explain it well or you missed some nuances. Or you were fine and the other parent was being mean. But no-one here can tell.
It's why I was interested in what your DH thought she had said and whether he felt any of her points were justified.

I'm actually horrified that someone felt the need to come up to you and say all this. To me, it sounds like petty, bullying 'school gates' behaviour. Which is just pathetic.

If your post is an accurate representation of what happened, i would honestly completely ignore them as it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Even not bringing a present isn't something I would bat an eyelid about. I don't invite children to a party for them to bring presents and wouldn't give a second thought if anyone didn't. Especially in times like now with money being tight for so many.

These people just sound extremely closed minded and probably can't even consider that there might be reasons behind your behaving and they are ways for you to cope. I'm sorry you had to experience that.

This