Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

I'm not British but I'll never understand all the fuss about birthday presents from friends or classmates. You should be rich to buy present for every single birthday - class, friends, big family. It's just insane. I would never expect a gift from every single guest. If you can afford it - it's fine. But even £1- it's a lot for some families....

It’s pretty weird that another Mum at the party would bring up the fact you didn’t bring a gift though. If it was the host parent then would make more sense. I couldn’t say I have ever paid attention to who did and didn’t bring a gift to a party I was attending. Did she just spend the whole time stood in the corner observing what everyone else was doing?! She sounds weird

I dont believe for a second that you "didn't know" you don't give gifts at a birthday party, or the gift of money. That's such a cop out.

Fair enough. I read it as she didn't want to waste money. If she didnt have the money then it's a different issue

Actually the advice from @Mummyoflittledragon on how you could 'fix' the gift issue at least is very clever. It's a gift from your DD to the birthday girl and the message would also explain to the birthday host why things happened the way they did without making a huge song and dance about it (like the other parent did by saying what she said to you).

I would say well done OP -you did your best and hope you feel confident for the next time. How utterly rude of that mum to critique you.

This seems very odd, who on earth would speak to you like that and tell you what you did wrong. I dont understand how you grew to adulthood, had a relationship and are raising a child without realising that its usual to take a gift to a party

Oh to have the confidence of a person who decides to give an other parent unasked for feedback on their behaviour. sarcasm Do you know this person well?

Sounds to me like you handled it all well tbh. It’s a social norm to bring a present but not a requirement.

I was at a birthday party yesterday and your behaviour seems similar to mine (do have some suspicions I might be autistic/neurodiverse but I’m pretty good social situations) I’m a hoverer for similar reasons to you but so were lots of the other parents so it didn’t feel out of place. I said hello to parents I recognised but definitely didn’t feel obliged to get into small talk etc.

ignore them, they’re talking rubbish.

This, a thousand times. X

I think it’s super strange the other person commented . I’d pick up a gift tomorrow (maybe a T-shirt, a purse or a note book and pen, hair accessories (not all of these but pick something) and your DD can give it to the child at school

Ps my two best friends who have kids a similar age also didn’t know you were supposed to take a present either so ignore those asking how you didn’t know that!

You didn't do anything wrong. Why did the other parent give you all that unasked for feedback?
A lot of people would be funny about not bringing a gift but if you can't afford it that's fine. If you're just not sure what to buy then stick a fiver in the card.

Very odd that the other person commented, unless you specifically asked.

I think everything you did was fine, except maybe not bringing a present. And tbh that wouldn’t have bothered me if I was the host.

Hi OP.

The other mum was absolutely wrong to take it upon herself to tell you all that. I think you're very brave to take your DD by yourself to a party in all the circumstances.

Personally I couldn't give a fig if a child brought a card for my DC bday party. A card is just fine (but it IS the done thing to bring a small gift).

As to everything else you 'did' that's totally normal behaviour and no one would bat an eyelid if you or a DC behaved like that at the parties I've been to.

Now you know that this other mum can be safely ignored going forward as her 'helpful' tips are actually cover for being bloody rude.

All are fine apart from number 1 OP. It’s good form to bring a present. Even £10 in a card is better than nothing- I’d tell them there is cash in the envelope when I pass it over. The only time it’s ok not to bring a present is if you genuinely can’t afford- and in that situation I’d explain before so they can take back the invitation if required (I doubt anyone would revoke an invite for this though).

I think some people didn't give gifts at my DD's birthday party.

I didn't care as she has so much including from other children who have grown out of their toys.

In addition all we wanted was the kids to have fun.

Ironically I think that all the people who 'cant believe you didn't know to take a gift' and the mum who thought it appropriate to critique your attendance must be a bit neuro diverse themselves. Of course someone with ASD could easily miss the present giving thing. Especially as you explained you didn't go to parties yourself. And of course it's inappropriate to go up to someone and tell them everything they perceive they did wrong accompanying a child to a party.

OP I think you did amazingly! None of what you did would raise any eyebrows at any of the kids birthday parties I've been to. Some people keep themselves to themselves, some kids need more interventions than others. Quite frankly usually everyone is too busy on their phone, gossiping or helping put out the food to notice what anyone else is doing.

I find it odd that the other mum must have been spying on you for the whole of the party. That, in my opinion is the oddest thing that happened.

I hope you find your tribe at the school gates. X

Yabu not to bring a present but she is BU about the rest

Other than not bringing a gift you didn't do anything wrong. Birthday parties at that age are challenging for most, it must have been even more so for you and your DD, so well done for coping so well. In future if you don't know what to buy either get something DD would like, so the birthday child probably will too, or put a gift voucher or money in the birthday card. I keep to around a £10 limit for a gift, maybe a bit more for close friends of DS.

First of all, unless you actually asked this person for feedback, it was INCREDIBLY rude of her to come along with a list of criticisms. Especially as she was not even the party host, so it was none of her business. Her behaviour was much more socially inappropriate than anything that you may have done or not done. Did she say these things in front of your child? If she did, that makes it even worse!

As regards the specifics:

(1) The gift is the one thing where you may have slightly erred. It's usual to bring a small gift to a child's party, though especially right now it should be recognized that not everyone may be able to afford to. But it is much ruder for her to keep tallies on which other guests brought gifts than for you not to bring one.

(2) Not making small talk with other parents is not a big deal. The only thing I can think of, is that maybe someone tried to get your attention for a conversation, and you didn't notice because of your sensory issues. I'm not autistic but I have some visual processing problems which can occasionally make me unaware of people approaching me from a distance, and sometimes they might think I'm ignoring them. But even if this happened, they should face you and speak directly to you (after all, many people are a bit hard of hearing, and would need this).

(3) Unless you actually got in people's way, which is not what she's saying, there is nothing wrong with a bit of 'hovering' where children of this age are concerned. At 7 or 8 maybe; but not at 4 or 5, even if your child had no special needs. It sounds, from (2) and (3), as though she saw the party as mainly a mothers' get-together with the children as an excuse/ opportunity for that, while you saw it as just a children's party with the mothers there to supervise. I am sure that there were others with the same approach as you.

(4) Again, unless you were actually disrupting something, or getting into private areas of the house, there is nothing wrong with leaving the room occasionally.

(5) Did she say what she thought was inappropriate about your clothes? It doesn't sound as there was anything wrong with your choice of clothes. What was she wearing?

At any rate, she sounds horribly rude!

Hi OP, I’m autistic too!
You did everything almost 100% perfectly. It is the norm to bring a small present- doesn’t have to be expensive, just something like hair pins, a fiver, some choc, or a small toy. Generally under £10. It’s really weird that the other mum picked up on all that and had the nerve to comment on it.

How did this woman know that you hadn't put a voucher or some money in the card? Which incidentally, you did know was usual ettiquette despite not having been to a party for 15 years.

That can only have come from the host which makes her an utter arsehole for telling people.

If they have been talking about you as you seem to think they are best avoided.

Unless your DH also has got to adulthood without realising you take a gift in these circumstances and you are unlucky enough to have married probably the only man who also thought this then he is to blame too.

Not excusing the other parents bulldozer approach but.. you've said you need these things " spelling out". Have you said this to her at all..maybe about other things? She may have assumed she was doing what you'd asked. ( albeit misguided).

I didnt think there was anything worth commenting on in how you behaved. The gift ..well..you will know in future and I'd probably send the child something now you realise it's the norm.

Please take from this that unless you specifically asked for feedback on your conduct then this woman was way out of line. Any slightly unusual behaviour due to your ASD was not bad manners. Certainly not compared to approaching a virtual stranger in the park and critiquing their party manners unasked.

Yes, it's usual etiquette to bring a present but if someone doesn't then it's beyond rude to point it out. They could be really struggling financially.

Sounds like you were managing your daughter's and your own needs just fine. Please don't feel discouraged from leaving the room to regroup in future. You can always explain privately to the host if you like.

Unless you turned up in an outfit from Ann Summers then there isn't really a dress code for mums at kids' parties. It's not a wedding. Jeans, top and cardie sounds completely fine.

Sounds like you did nicely.

If you're stuck for little present ideas when you don't know the kids well, I always think a good rule of thumb is something that the recipient can use up, rather than something they keep. Works for adults too. So sweets, bath fizzer, book or colouring book. Same principle as wine, fruit basket or chocolates for adults.

Or something for their pet if they have one.