Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

I do appreciate that there are awful people and bullies out there, but this seems so strange. I can't believe I'm the only person who thinks it's really weird that somebody would actually go and make all these comments. I'm also really perplexed that the OP has a DH who didn't think to get a gift and also seems have just been a bystander in the playground while this conversation happened and didn't help out.

I find it hard to believe you haven’t heard that you take a gift to a birthday party

People have different life experiences from you.

I've had and so have some of my friends have had random people make comments.

From secondary age I've had to tell some to fuck off as they didn't realise I was with the person they were being nasty to. On some occasions I've decided it was safer to ignore them and to get away.

So I can understand why the OP and her DH didn't say anything.

I'm surprised to hear how seriously people are taking the gift. Yes, a small gift is the norm, but honestly the 4 or 5 year old birthday child will not have noticed or cared if 2 or 3 friends at a party showed up with no presents. And why would any parent care? I would not have given it a thought. They brought a card, showed up and celebrated with my dc, thanked me as they left. All well and good.

And it is shockingly rude to comment on a lack of gift, way more rude than not bringing one in the first place.

The woman in the park who told you all of this broke so many etiquette rules in doing so that I suggest you discount all of her advice. Avoid her like the plague.

Can I say that I think you did very well? I think you're getting a very hard time for not bringing a gift and for not talking to the other mums. You were keeping an eye out for your DD so that she didn't have a melt down or created an issue at the party and I think that was your priority. Your DD was there to have fun.

The other mums/parents at the party could easily have come over to you to say hello and instigate the conversation, and it appears that they didn't.

For the next party, and I'm hoping that your DD will be invited to more parties as it does get easier, can I recommend the following?

Based on the age of your DD and only if you can afford it, get some sets of markers/colouring pencils/cheap waterpaint sets, a couple of colouring books and a few gift bags. Make up your own sets of gifts from these and just grab one gift bag as you're heading to the party. Another generic gift would be a skipping rope and some sweets or a reasonably priced jigsaw (not the 1000 piece ones, try for that age maybe 50/100 pieces). A board game like snakes & ladders or ludo would be something that a 5yr old could grow into playing with their family.
Go into the card gallery and get some of their 5 cards for £1 for kids birthdays or get your DD to make a card.

Keep an eye out for the sales on Amazon or in Smyths Toys or in Tesco for these types of things and you'll be golden!

If you are going to be staying, some small talk conversation topics would be the weather (we do really love going on and on and on about it 😁), things like Strictly Come Dancing or I'm A Celebrity (if you watch those), the latest releases on Netflix or what's about to come into the cinema. Then the topics can be about how your and their kids are getting on at school/nursery/college/whatever. I will say though, if these are parents that appear to be in a clique, it's very hard to break into an existing clique (I've found) but you can say hi and have a brief conversation. You are also perfectly allowed to leave the room for some fresh air (to gather yourself) in order to prepare for round 2 or whatever of the conversation. Circulate in the room. Chat to other parents. Offer to help bring food in from and out to the kitchen.

As for not dressing appropriately - ignore that one. That is just out and out rudeness.

I honestly don't think you did anything wrong. You could always send your DD in with a gift bag when they are going into school again and say that you were waiting until pay day and apologise for not having it on the day of the party. There are still ways to recover this, both for you and for your DD.

I will definitely do it in future.

getting a birthday present for a child you don't know and possibly you obsessing next time

getting something simple, a book token is a great way of spending a £5 limit and then the child can pick a book the want. Don't worry about the present, there will be many present for the child and if your dc has a party themselves she in return will receive many presents.

How would she have known you didn't put a voucher or money in the envelope with the card (regardless of the fact you've said on here you didn't take a gift)?

I considered a gift but I didn't know what to get. I didn't want to buy something that they didn't like and would end up thrown away, as money is tight anyway and it's a waste to just end up in landfill.

So you did know that gifts are usually taken to children’s parties. Why this obsession with the gift ending up in landfill? Just give something that children use. There were craft tables at the party so presumably the birthday girl likes doing crafts. Give some colour pencils, paints, bracelet-making kit or something from The Works. And if it ends in landfill, that’s her choice, not yours. Once a gift is given you have no control or say over what happens to it. Who knows? If it was something unsuitable or something the child didn’t like the parents may have re-gifted it. Why would you assume they would just bin it?

The woman who detailed all you ‘errors’ was outrageous. Who does that? Shocking behaviour.
Do take a present, regardless of how you feel about it. It will be appreciated and won’t necessarily end up in landfill. Children always like nice things they can put in their school pencil case e.g glittery felt tips/highlighter pens. If you have a TKMaxx nearby, you can get some good quality things for children in the clearance section.

The only thing is a present, but in the current climate… that’s not necessary x your effort to get your daughter to the party would be far more appreciated to someone like me….

the rest is total 💩💩💩

how she’s had the time to give you a running commentary of what you’ve done…. She needs to get a life!!! Don’t worry about 6 years you won’t have to deal with people like that xx no cougar mothers at secondary school that’ll you have to meet x

Why does this other adult think it’s her place to critique you and your behavior? TBH I was always grateful for any parents that stayed to help when my children had a birthday party when they were young as the vast majority just dropped them and disappeared immediately, even when I had another toddler and a baby in my arms.

Do the other parents know that you and your child are autistic?

I agree, I find it really hard to believe another mother commented on what the Op was wearing.

I’d love to know on what planet someone who is not even a close friend, would list your misdemeanours and choice of clothes.

Not taking a present is just not on. How can you not already know this? Did your daughter not go to parties at playgroups or nursery?

also, you were hovering yet frequently leaving the room?

All sounds like bullshit to me.

My youngest had their first ever birthday party in 5 years just before summer and a couple
of kids didn’t bring presents. I thought nothing of it because the idea was for the kids to have a party and have fun together. Any person highlighting, in the current economic climate, that you didn’t bring a present is an arsehole. It may be social convention but a decent human being would make allowances for people who perhaps didn’t have the funds right now. The child won’t notice or care.

I do wonder if there’s more to this story as I have sat on the fringes of many a kids party and ignored all the other parents because of autistic overwhelm when my eldest was going to all the early years parties. They may have spoke about me behind my back but not once to my face & they were a right judgemental bunch of vipers at the best of times.

I also wonder if your anxiety at being perceived as odd or different has prompted you to frame this in the way you have - because unless this parent knew you and felt confident to say these things or perhaps was aware that you’re autistic and thought they were somehow helping you, I really struggle to understand why anyone would approach a relative stranger and list their faults.

op we live and learn. The moment has passed now and not worth ruminating and if you’re really feeling awkward about the gift drop off a book token or sweets and apologise about your forgetfulness. You now know what is expected of you next time so you can approach it differently.

I think it is helpful to know that gift giving in considered normal at children's parties , but surely most reasonable people would not be bothered if they didn't get a gift from each parent.

I'm not autistic but your behaviour sounds absolutely fine for me. People can't afford food these days, so handmade card should be absolutely fine. To be honest, it looks like there are cultural differences, especially if they mentioned your clothes. What did they want you to wear?

Apart from the present thing I don't think you did anything wrong... And if there were 30 there i'?M surprised anyone noticed anyway. Don't worry. Who brought all of this up with you anyway?

Hey OP,
Just to reassure my little one had a party recently and I wouldn’t have minded at all if not everyone brought gifts - money is tight right now. Sounds like the other mum was just being mean.

Just the present is the only issue there.

A book or £5 in the card would be great if you didn’t want to go down the toy route.

Agree completely

Hi op. I am sorry you were made to feel so small. The rule of thumb I found when my dd was little was £5 for large parties in the first couple of years then up to £10 for smaller parties and £10 for a better friend. Now that my dd is in secondary, I tend to spend £15 or sometimes £20. What I do find useful is pacing what the other parents spend on my dd. I don’t mean writing down and matching which each parent gave but to gauge the amount by how much dd gets in either money or the ballpark figure a gift would cost. This is only if you can afford it!

I would also consider disclosing your diagnosis. You could even get something for the girl Monday if you choose. Something like £5 wrapped up on top of bar of chocolate and including a note little as if from your dd saying ‘thank you for inviting me to your party. I really enjoyed it. Mummy didn’t know what to get you as she’s autistic like me but she’s figured it out now. Lots of love little Banana x’. I know some on this thread don’t agree. But in my experience, parents can be shit to children with autism and exclude them from parties. This will hopefully smooth the way for her for the future. You wouldn’t be doing it for you but for your dd iyswim.

It is unusual not to take a gift to a child's party, but much weirder to approach another parent with a list of all the things she did wrong.

Who in worth is this person?

My son had a party where someone didn't bring a present for him. It happens, and that was years ago, way before the cost of living crisis.

That woman was far, far ruder than you were! I do think it might be helpful to let a few parents know about your daughter's autism, if not yours. It might really help them to understand your behaviour with helping her.

I wouldn't have been at all bothered by you not giving a present to my child, personally. And I would feel it was on me as the host to make sure I talked to everyone.