Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

If the party was yesterday, I think you can still text the birthday child’s mum and say ‘I’m so sorry, got home yesterday and saw the £5 on the kitchen table, I thought I had put in inside the envelope’ and bring it to school next week.

I think the most inappropriate thing to happen was the other Mum giving you feedback after the party - what a bizarre thing to do. Did she think it was like a job interview where you want to know how you did afterwards?! Did you even ask for her opinion? She sounds so strange!

Text the parent who party was , explain the situation and maybe get a gift card

People might say times are but it's expensive having a party

I am an autistic woman who does not have children as I don’t think I could cope with the above type of scenarios and manage my own condition.

I think you did a phenomenal job of making it through yourself and supporting your DD to join in.

The parents who criticised are twats and if it was a whole class party, who needs 30 gifts?!

OP - just wanted to say that I wouldn't mind at all if you didn't bring a present to one of my DC's parties. You and your DD made the effort to come and that is all that would matter to me. Couldn't care less about a present.

OP you sound like a great mum who is trying her best. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Unsolicited ‘advice’ from another mum is ever nice. Most of the points she raised with your are not even issues. Don’t let the mean mums get you down.

Ignore the twat OP personally I'd have Just stuck Money in the card.
But the person was extremely rude when ever I've taken either of my children to parties and my DS is autistic I may smile and briefly chat to the parent of the child who's party it is but other than that I'm not interested in anyone else.

You do as you please when it comes to helping your own DC.

Sometimes you do have to wonder who are the children in these types of situations 🤦🏻‍♀️

How could you go to child party’s and not bring a gift because ‘you didn’t want to waste money’ that is so rude

Hardly, we shouldn't be buying pointless plastic tat. But I agree £5 in a card or a book from the Works etc would be fine.

Also agree the mum in this scenario is something else, although there are a couple of mums in my local area who I could imagine taking other mums to task like this.

Great advice from @RedWingBoots .

Yes, you need to bring a gift. The best gift would be £5 voucher from a local book shop e.g Waterstones or WHS voucher. It suits boys and girls with any interests. I think the rest of it was fine. The whole class parties are difficult. You thanked the host and were polite to others - it’s right.

My teen DD had a birthday recently and one of girls ( who is autistic) didn’t bring her present. DD was a bit surprised but I actually told me that the autism might be the reason, not anything personal. Good to know that I was right.

Agree only thing wrong was not bringing a gift, I am also autistic and so is my daughter, can't believe lady brought all that up, I am not comfortable in social situations either, surely it's up to you how much you communicate and she is your daughter you can do what you like , think lady was being very rude and judgemental , sounds like you did great to me

Hi @Bananabr3ad I think whoever said this to you is not very understanding, but then they did not know about your struggles. Apart from the pressie you did fine. Perhaps confiding in a good supportive friend would help you in these situations - you don't have to tell everyone

Other mum sounds like a class A bitch saying all that to you.

Only thing you may have done wrong is not taking a gift. However, having experienced many kids parties over the years, lots of presents (when whole class parties) are tat and will get regifted. A 5 year old child is not going to notice one missing present out of 30 and the parents are absolute greedy shits for making an issue of it. I've had the odd child attending a party with just a card and I have honestly been fine with it.

For future reference just get a book or bag of sweets.

Don't let this other mum make you feel shit about the party. Some of the behaviour of cliquey parents at the school gates I've witnessed over the years has been shocking. The parents are often worse than the kids!

I haven’t read all the replies just your post so I apologise if I am repeating.

This other mother was very unkind and rude to you.

Yes I agree most people bring gifts to a party . But it shouldn’t be expected . Some people can’t afford it and a card should be enough. It’s grabby and rude to expect gifts . Lots of people put £5 in the card . How did this other mum know you hadn’t done that? How did she know you hadn’t sent a gift you could have already given it at school. She must have spoke to the party host.

Every thing else sounds normal - maybe the popping out seemed odd to them. Quite understandable but they don’t sound very empathetic. You could have had a migraine , headache etc .

Making small talk is an art. Generally people care only about themselves and often lie. So for example you might say - hi I’m Xs mum, whose mum are you ? And then you could ask how their child has settled at school. Let them talk and agree. Praise their teacher - people like positive - upbeat people so save any negative comments for conversations with genuine friends.

Avoid this dreadful mum in future. Try to invite a mum and child back for a play date after school on a Friday . That way you will get to know the parents abs you will
make friends . Play date - have drink and snacks ready beforehand. Maybe go to the park on way home and take drinks and snacks .

Unless this is your best friend and you asked for advice I think whoever said this to you is incredibly rude and should be ignored. I would generally say it is convention to take a gift so you may offend some people if you don't take something, though I equally am happy when my kids don't have millions more pieces of plastic tat!

It was quite odd of the other woman to bring all of this up. Sometimes feedback helps, but I hope you're not too hurt or bothered by what she said.

That being said -
Yes, bring a gift always. It can be a small item like a sketch pad and pack of colored pencils. For girls your daughter's age, look for stuff with rainbows, unicorns, puppies, kittens decorating the outside. Don't buy plain, school supply stuff.

Maybe put on a necklace or bracelet or a pair of smart boots along with the jeans and top? Maybe some nail polish? But overall, I think a jeans and top shouldn't have been considered 'wrong' for a kids' party.

You are completely right to keep an eye on your child and intervene when you see she's starting to feel overwhelmed. Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself here.

If you feel it would help, you could mention to other parents that you feel you need to step put for some air at noisy gatherings, and that you need to be 'on duty' when your daughter is out with other children as she is autistic. People won't automatically assume a parent is autistic, so making this known might help the other parents realise you're not being unfriendly.

1. A fiver in a card or £5 worth of colouring crap. Yes you're right in your reasoning but this is what I'd do, but no I would not be upset if you did not bring a gift to my child's party.
2. And you could be equally upset at them not making the effort to talk to you.
3. and 4. damned if you do, damned if you don't. don't hover, but don't leave the room. Stand right there on the red dot.
4. how dare they.

These people sound utterly vile. You did nothing wrong.

I have two girls and I hate bday parties. I send my oh a lot of the time as I find them
so uncomfortable, so please don’t think it’s just you. I know loads of people feel the same, I’m a natural introvert and find having a lot of new people around me stressful and tiring.

I only ever put money in a card now for party’s as I was like you and like to get thoughtful gifts and ended up spending a fortune on presents for kids I didn’t even know.

looking forward to the party stage being over xx

It's fine if you don't believe it, I do hope that this isn't the done thing as that'd put me off taking DD to parties entirely. And again, I didn't know about the gift thing. If I did know I would have brought one. I would never go out of my way to make myself look rude. I genuinely didn't know that it was the expectation because nobody had ever told me. Now I do know and I can make sure I don't make that mistake again, along with the other advice I've recieved. That was the entire point of my post. I don't understand social gatherings like this, I'd been told I didn't behave correctly and I wanted some guidance.

Again it might seem logical to you, but why would I come on mumsnet and ask if I was breaking a potential rule if I didn't know about the rule at all until it was mentioned afterwards? There was no mention of gifts on the invite, or when I responded. I knew that gift exchanges happen at birthdays, yes. But personally, I give gifts to people I am close with and I know their interests. I don't like giving people things if they won't like or use it. I never saw gifts as an obligation, more a gesture that you care for somebody.

My DD met this child a month ago and doesn't know their interests. I considered a gift but I didn't know what to get. I didn't want to buy something that they didn't like and would end up thrown away, as money is tight anyway and it's a waste to just end up in landfill. As they aren't close I didn't think it was necessary, just as I wouldn't have expected strangers to buy my DD something if it was in reverse. I didn't even think of money or sweets.

Now it has been explained and I know differently. I won't make the same mistakes again going forwards. Thank you to everybody who gave me some constructive feedback.

I would encourage you to let it be known that you are autistic. Of course it will affect your behaviour, but you don't come across as someone making excuses for herself.

Masking can be exhausting and traumatic. You'll be dealing with these parents for many years and I think it would be best to tell people about your autism.

Some adults bully others due to their differences real or percieved.

Happens in the work place and in social spaces.

Me and DH took DD to the playground and she was there and decided to let me know. I didn't really know how to respond

Wait, what now? She said all of this in front of your DH too?

And neither of you told her to wind her neck in?

I'm all for making friends and not rocking the boat, I'd consider myself to be a wet lettuce compared to a lot of MN'ers (who of course always tell the truth) but you really can't put up with this shit.

Despite your explanation that your Autisic still so many saying unkind or uneccesary things to make you feel bad or at least try to. You did nothing wrong. Not even not taking a gift, that's always optional, I always do but I always tell people for ours never to feel they have to as the most important thing should be the fun of a party not getting things! For anyone not aware you're Autisic or even what spectrum needs and traits are you may feel better explaining your situation to spread more awareness and understanding,not that you should have to but the only way to get people's understanding on ASD is to talk about it especially to anyone saying you're doing things wrong, everyone does things differently. All parties are different so it's hard to tell you what might be best next time but if you're around people who aren't understanding of your situation and your child's explain face to face and if they still don't understand or make you feel bad don't bother with them again. 😊

OP next time she talks to you tell her loudly to stop harassing you.

Then walk away from her.

Ooof, kick a woman while she's down why don't you.

It's all very well saying if you don't know ask, but that has to assume that you know there's something you don't know to start with.

OP I don't know if these suggestions for books will help but I'll offer them. They're not aimed directly at autism, the books that are are for children. But you might find out about things you didn't know, and then at least you're in a position to decide if you can/how to deal with them.

English Etiquette

Social Skills: Developing Effective Interpersonal Communication

She chose not to give a gift, it's not as if gift giving was not on the radar at all. If in doubt, surely you check before, not after the event?