To refuse a school home visit?

[CoffeePlease93]

My son has just started school this year so I don’t know if this is the norm or not?

So apparently his school (not the teachers) does home visits with all the new parents to discuss any issues going on and for a chit chat (and probably just to be nosey around your home too!)

I have already had to reschedule once because we -all had COVID but I’ve got it coming up again now but it’s just such an inconvenience! I work from home, have a medical procedure coming up which I have several appointments beforehand and I also have a private issue going on (legal issues) which is requiring a lot of solicitor appointments and admin stuff at home at the moment too.

There has been no issues with my son at school whatsoever, he is doing amazingly well, glowing reports, I have brilliant communication with his actual teachers - I don’t need any extra support with anything and there is a parent’s evening coming up soon anyway.

I also have an extremely anxious dog who really stresses out if stranger’s come into the home (constantly barking, pacing up and down, sometimes wee’s - something we are working on but he came from a bad home previous to us).

WIBU to tell them I don’t need a home visit and this just isn’t going to work for me or will it be seen as bad and negative thing like I’m not co-operating or I’m being resistant etc?

And yes… I do tend to overthink everything which is why I’m asking!

It might be normal now but I think it's wrong - nope I don't care what anyone professes to be the reason - but it's still intrusive and judgemental.

Let's all pop round to the HT or Class Teacher's home for a 5 minute chit-chat about my dc instead?

Probably not.

Yes, I had this with DD almost 10 years ago now. They brought a few tasks/toys/games and chatted to us to get an idea of where she was socially and academically (basic counting/alphabet/language skills etc. ) It's nice that they want to interact and find out about them before they join.

I think that somebody with @Pumperthepumper's attitude, is a teacher, is very very worrying.

Why?

What are you trying to hide, op?

Dear CoffeePlease…. I don’t know how you’re coping so well with some of the inane postings.
Please stay positive and stand your ground.
I think there’s way too much unwarranted control or nannying in our lives as it is.
You have done nothing to raise concerns, your child’s teacher has never flagged up anything.
Please continue to take care of your health, and that of your dc.
Sometimes Mumsnet comments are beyond belief, when all you asked for was a little reassurance.
Stay strong the way you have been, you’ll be a great role model for your dc, whilst letting the teacher help navigate your dc through school life.
x

You have done nothing to raise concerns, your child’s teacher has never flagged up anything.
Sorry, but you can't know this. They may be planning to flag something up during the visit.

The child has already started school and won't be there.

Apart from the fact that OP age stated they already have CAHMS involvement. So there are issues with her child’s mental health. Of course people in positions to help want to come and meet OP and see her child’s home environment etc.

You can’t accept help one one hand, and call them intrusive/nosy/interfering on the other

The (state) schools my DC have been at don’t do routine home visits.
The teachers met my DC at their nursery before DC started Reception, so presumably the school considered that adequate for an initial introduction between the children and teachers.

I can see that these home visits may be useful for some families before the child starts Reception, but I’m struggling to see the point of a home visit when the child has already started school and won’t be in the home at the time. You’d think it’d be more convenient for the school to invite OP into the school for a meeting.

In response to OP (cancel the cheque!!) - I think it's perfectly reasonable to decline the home visit in these circumstances. Your child is already settled at school, you have a good working relationship with the teacher, it sounds like doing a home visit now (while the child is not there!) would tbh be a weird tickbox exercise.

In response to many PPs - home visits are very normal here (London), have been standard in my own DCs' nurseries and schools and in those my close relatives work in. We had home visits prior to starting, conducted by the class teacher/key person, with the child present. No 'home inspection', just meeting and getting to know each other and doing the paperwork in a relaxed environment where we could be more open. It helped them settle in the setting more easily.

I'm not naively welcoming of all services in my home and while I "complied" with the first health visitor visit after each birth etc I absolutely perceived that as primarily surveillance. I don't really think that's what home visits are about. In any case I think once a child is in school the safeguarding stuff is largely picked up by their teachers anyway in such a way that seeing the home is unlikely to be a game-changing data point.

I do also think it's a shame that so many children seem to be living in homes where visitors are so unwelcome though! I'm quite an antisocial fucker but I pull myself together to have my children's friends over sometimes, including with very little advance notice, and I'd mostly see a school home visit as falling into this category.

Why not ? 'Help' is by definition something that is useful to you.

Accepting or asking for help does not oblige you to allow additional, unwanted interventions that are a hindrance.

If you have nothing to hide then you should all get over yourselves and embrace vigilance regarding child protection. These children have NO ONE.. they rely on decent adults being vigilant.

@hadtochangetothisone The argument that goes: "if you have nothing to hide..." and the one starting with: "if it saves one child..." are chilling as well as being a waste of resources which are finite and now more than ever.

Routine visits to people's homes to check whether they are being a good parent, like routine stop and searches to find out if people are carrying knives or drugs are simply wrong. No one has the right to ask anyone what they are doing if they are going about their lawful business whether it's having children or walking down the street. Neither are they effective.

The detection of children who are being abused, like the detection of people carrying contraband should be targeted. In most but not all cases there are signs. If we concentrate on investigating those signs we can avoid wasting time and resources on parents who are unlikely to be abusing their child and therefore have more chance of helping those children who are being abused. We can then either give support to their families or in extreme cases remove the child to a place of safety.

I'm not saying we should stop looking for those cases and I don't know how you got that idea from what I said. I am saying our approach should be more targeted than your plan which is randomly questioning 99 good or good enough parents to find the one who is failing who may already be showing signs of their failure if people cared to look and other people in positions of authority cared to act on their suspicions. There are a lot of decent vigilant people about but there is nothing they can do once they have passed on their concerns besides trust the authorities have a decent plan for following them up.

I don't set a lot of store by what some Mumsnetters think so I'll ignore your suggestion of a survey. I don't set a lot of store in the results of General Elections either but I have to abide by those. Random opinions of people on Mumsnet who haven't thought all the implications through - no.

I am one of those many people, naice or otherwise, who do not abuse children either physically or I hope emotionally. In fact I think a really good thing to teach a child is that no one has the right to question you unless there are clear signs you are doing something wrong. Especially if they say it's for your own good or for some nebulous public good.

I'm sure that would earn me a bad mark somewhere but I smile and say: "Do come back if you have firm reasons to suspect me of wrong-doing" and close the door.

Seems some areas these home visits are the done thing. Thankfully it's not where I am - the reception teachers from my dcs primary go to visit dc at their preschool. Then we had a parents meeting in the first few weeks. Now they're at secondary they just have a 'meet the form tutor' but only if there is issues. So yeah I've never had any school staff at my home but we've always had lots of contact with our dcs schools in one way or the other. So I'm not sure the rationale for these home visits and why the schools that do them think they're so necessary - is it in areas that are particularly troubling re child protection?

They are not visits primarily for safeguarding. Children love teachers coming to their home and it helps to build more trusting relationships quickly.

Maybe the OP would just like their home environment to be private to all but those who she invites into her home.

Some children may like it. I doubt it has any impact on the relationship whatsoever, once the kids start school the relationship will prosper (or not).

The relationship will develop when they start school. It does help with that initial trust so makes it easier at the beginning. They do it for a reason you know.

Blimey, that is quite scary.

No doubt if you saw an 18 DVD on a low shelf you'd be thinking "oh they must be bad parents because there's an adult DVD where the child can access it".

I suggest you concentrate on the cues and clues you get from the behaviour in the classroom.

My son's school had the kids visit the school instead. Makes much more sense.

That is completely different - that is equivalent to the parent attending an open day at the school.

YABU. It’s normal here that every child gets visited at home during their settling week by the teacher in Year R.

Stop overthinking, put the dog in the garden during the visit, have a pleasant chat then give it no more thought. No, they are not doing it to be nosy… it’s to help support your child and understand their home context.

You can do both. Children visiting the school get to see the building. They don't get any time 1-1 with the teacher.

@reigatecastle Do you understand that sometimes behaviour in school doesn't correlate to life at home?
Many of the children I work with and have worked with present settled and calm at school, but have incredibly difficult home lives that only came to light after home visits.

child protection trumps everything.

And no, if I saw an 18DVD I wouldn't be dancing around a cauldron with glee about the intel id found. However, if that child comes to school terrified of certain things they've seen and I find out parents allow access to inappropriate materials then yes, I would rightly be concerned.

Many people on this thread have no concept of early help criteria/or child safeguarding responsibilities.

This situation relates to after term has started so all the children will be in school.
Not everywhere does home visits at the start of Reception or has a settling in week. We opted to send DT’s full time from day one (as did most of the class) so the teacher was in school and not doing home visits. Full time nursery one day and full time school the next.