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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse a school home visit?

625 replies

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 11:49

My son has just started school this year so I don’t know if this is the norm or not?

So apparently his school (not the teachers) does home visits with all the new parents to discuss any issues going on and for a chit chat (and probably just to be nosey around your home too!)

I have already had to reschedule once because we -all had COVID but I’ve got it coming up again now but it’s just such an inconvenience! I work from home, have a medical procedure coming up which I have several appointments beforehand and I also have a private issue going on (legal issues) which is requiring a lot of solicitor appointments and admin stuff at home at the moment too.

There has been no issues with my son at school whatsoever, he is doing amazingly well, glowing reports, I have brilliant communication with his actual teachers - I don’t need any extra support with anything and there is a parent’s evening coming up soon anyway.

I also have an extremely anxious dog who really stresses out if stranger’s come into the home (constantly barking, pacing up and down, sometimes wee’s - something we are working on but he came from a bad home previous to us).

WIBU to tell them I don’t need a home visit and this just isn’t going to work for me or will it be seen as bad and negative thing like I’m not co-operating or I’m being resistant etc?

And yes… I do tend to overthink everything which is why I’m asking!

OP posts:
KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 16/10/2022 16:57

I'd turn it down. My sister had it when my nephew started nursery she had just given birth it was so intrusive.

Movingtomorrow · 16/10/2022 17:00

Abraxan · 16/10/2022 16:54

I don't know how teacher/TA would be able to find the time to visit - who would be teaching the class?

Op says it isn't the teacher/TA visiting, but a different member of the school staff. Simone who doesn't work directly with their child.

I'm baffled. If not a teacher or TA (although there are fewer and fewer TAs now) then who? If it is the ELSA or SENCo then that suggests that there are pre-existing concerns - although I have never heard of these people requesting a home visit in any situation. So the lunchtime supervisor? The admin person? Caretaker? It's weird.

Movingtomorrow · 16/10/2022 17:02

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 16/10/2022 16:55

It's to be nosy and see the childs home life. Say no it is not compulsory.

No, the visits aren't compulsory, but staff really won't be being nosy. Home visits are considered to be best practice by the DfE - although as I understand, prior to the child starting school, not afterwards.

Oblomov22 · 16/10/2022 17:04

I can't quite grasp what kind of visit it is. Is this a new thing? Most of us will have had a teacher visit our home pre child starting school. But this isn't that. And it can't be a safeguarding visit, because they'd have to advise op that this is what it was. So what even is this visit?

I don't know why @Derbee is getting a hard time. Her summary I agreed with, I read it that way too.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 17:08

Oblomov22 · 16/10/2022 17:04

I can't quite grasp what kind of visit it is. Is this a new thing? Most of us will have had a teacher visit our home pre child starting school. But this isn't that. And it can't be a safeguarding visit, because they'd have to advise op that this is what it was. So what even is this visit?

I don't know why @Derbee is getting a hard time. Her summary I agreed with, I read it that way too.

The passive-aggressive ‘good luck to your children!’ was the bit that made me think @Derbee was over the line. Who says that? Grim.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:08

It is part of the school policy that they conduct a home visit to every child within the first term - that’s what it is

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/10/2022 17:09

It's going to be a short visit.

They will come at a time that works for you.

Look at your calendar, pick a day and time.

Put your dog in another room.

Rachpen · 16/10/2022 17:10

.

Whattheactualfcku · 16/10/2022 17:10

I think it’s quite normal. They’re the people who will be looking after your child so it shouldn’t really be an issue. They’re not there to judge you.

mathanxiety · 16/10/2022 17:13

I agree with @supersonicginandtonic's advice here.

Do you need support for the anxiety you are experiencing?

Oblomov22 · 16/10/2022 17:14

Right. Sorry. Totally missed that bit. Op never had the teacher visit pre ds starting school. So school are doing it now. It's just a box ticking thing. Right, ok.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:15

@Oblomov22 agree with PP and the Good Luck comment she made - anyone who knows my son in actual real life knows he is the last child on the list to need her Good Luck’s 😂 physically he has everything a child could ever want, immaculately dressed in designer clothes, a huge conservatory which has been designated as his toy room, generally he does very well at school, he has a loving and supportive family who are involved with him very regularly, everyone who is involved with him comments on how nice his things are and how he never wants for anything and how I fight for every single bit of help he has for his additional needs and I don’t ever give up on him or let him slip through the cracks and miss out

so please go and take your comments elsewhere!

OP posts:
Abraxan · 16/10/2022 17:16

Movingtomorrow

Op states that it's not teachers in the opening post and then in a later post clarified it was a support term. And that it's for all parents, not selected ones.

Seems very odd for a school to do this and very much not the norm.

Those saying hone visits are common are thinking about the transition ones which take place before school starting and include the parent(s), child and the teacher (and TA) who will be teaching them. A very different scan Tui to what the OP is talking about.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:16

I am receiving help for my anxiety yes but obviously it’s a long process and medication isn’t recommended because it interferes with another medication I take and they all come with quite serious risks (it’s an anti sickness not something dodgy!)

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:18

For anyone just joined - an update - yes I will contact them tomorrow and state I’m happy for a shorter visit if that suits or postpone if they want the full hour to a more suitable time - that way the choice is theirs to make and I’ve tried to compromise

OP posts:
Abraxan · 16/10/2022 17:19

Oblomov22 · 16/10/2022 17:14

Right. Sorry. Totally missed that bit. Op never had the teacher visit pre ds starting school. So school are doing it now. It's just a box ticking thing. Right, ok.

The OP says that ALL parents have the visits within the first term from the support team. This is not a pre school starting transition home visit being done late, based on what the OP had clarified on later posts.

GonnaGonnaGoing · 16/10/2022 17:21

When you adopted your small dog-the one with a previous bad home, that is anxious, doesn't like strangers and wees in the sitting room-did you allow the organisation that you adopted him from to make a home visit because they usually want to, especially with an anxious dog.

We had to allow a visit before we got our re-homed dog and another a few weeks later.

Maybe they just looked through your gate while you showed them his huge kennel and designer doggy coat.

oviraptor21 · 16/10/2022 17:23

However where there are no concerns professionals have no right or business believing they should have access to people's homes 'just to check' how they live. This is a huge overstep.

This.
I have no anxiety. No big dog. No chaotic messy unclean home.
I still wouldn't want an uninvited visit by anyone.

Of course if there's a problem I would expect a visit. Health visitors visited several times when I had young babies. All fine. Convenient for me and welcomed. Teachers no. There's no benefit to either of us and it's a waste of both our time.

Derbee · 16/10/2022 17:23

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:15

@Oblomov22 agree with PP and the Good Luck comment she made - anyone who knows my son in actual real life knows he is the last child on the list to need her Good Luck’s 😂 physically he has everything a child could ever want, immaculately dressed in designer clothes, a huge conservatory which has been designated as his toy room, generally he does very well at school, he has a loving and supportive family who are involved with him very regularly, everyone who is involved with him comments on how nice his things are and how he never wants for anything and how I fight for every single bit of help he has for his additional needs and I don’t ever give up on him or let him slip through the cracks and miss out

so please go and take your comments elsewhere!

I know you’re riled up for some reason, but if you notice, I said “good luck to you and your children” because you have a lot going on, and initially it was too much going on to manage a quick meeting with the school (until people pointed out that it would be best to have the meeting).

You then also mentioned CAHMS.

You are clearly insecure to have taken it so badly. If I’d said “but all the best to you and your children” you could also read the worst into it. Likewise if I’d said “but hope you and your kids are happy” if you’re insecure enough, your response could be “my kids ARE happy, so fuck off”! Etc etc

My “good luck to you and your children” has clearly touched a nerve - but it says more about you than me. 😊

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:27

@GonnaGonnaGoing where did I say I adopted him? I actually came across him in a breeders home, saw the state he was in, had a massive bust up with the arsehole that had done that to him and removed him from the situation if you must know - hero right?! ☺️ And he does actually have a designer coat, harness and lead - you would love it!

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:28

@GonnaGonnaGoing and no I didn’t steal him before you start on that tangent, he is now
legally mine which the breeder had to agree to because he was the one who has to change the microchip details ☺️

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 16/10/2022 17:33

You mention that your child has some additional needs. It's still early days in the school year and he might not be completely himself in the new environment of school.
They may just want to get a better idea of how he presents in an environment he's more relaxed in.
Or they may have picked up on how anxious you are and though that this might be a nicer environment to talk to you about his needs.
They honestly are busy people. I promise they are not wanting a 'chit chat' (how patronising) or a 'nosey round your home'.

GonnaGonnaGoing · 16/10/2022 17:36

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 17:27

@GonnaGonnaGoing where did I say I adopted him? I actually came across him in a breeders home, saw the state he was in, had a massive bust up with the arsehole that had done that to him and removed him from the situation if you must know - hero right?! ☺️ And he does actually have a designer coat, harness and lead - you would love it!

Righty oh!

DeannaFromHumanResources · 16/10/2022 17:42

Schools have been doing this since my DD started primary and she was born in 1999. They like to see the child in their home environment. Like all your other commitments that you manage by appointments this is just another one to book in the diary and there must be one person that can take the dog for a walk.
That said, just refuse if it’s that big a deal for you.

Mumofthreeandadog · 16/10/2022 17:42

I’d find it unnecessarily intrusive too tbh. Could you just ring them and say a home visit doesn’t really work for me at the moment due to work and medical commitments but if there’s anything you’d like to discuss about ds I’m more than happy to arrange a teams call/phone call at some point. Then just let them do the talking.